New fic! Different from my others, but still slightly nuts. I don't own these freaks.


Chapter Uno (one)

A bitter breeze floated through the open window to the young wizards bed. The pale satin sheets weren't quite covering his torso, and he was slowly wriggling about, the moonlight shining softly on his fair skin making him look almost blue. "He looks like a bloody smurf!" A passing witch on a broomstick hit the intruder and flew off. But it wasn't long before another turned up.

"Draco, Draco," a soft voiced shadow coo'd through the window. Draco shivered as he subconsiously heard his name, blissfully dreaming about the next issue of Cosmo Girl, and all the fashion tips he could share with his friends. The voice continued its attempts in vain. The boy was obviously a deep sleeper. "DRAC-OW! Ok, who throws shoes?"

"Oi, keep it down out there, you're ruining the mood." yelled a greasy sounding voice from the dungeons, backgrounded by the distictive grunts of Hagrid, saying something along the lines of "Oh, Sevy baby". The shadow shuddered uncontrolably for a few minutes, and passers by thought it was a dance and joined in. That horror was far worse than any of his past experiences, and he had seen a Cheeky Girls concert.

"Fine then, I didn't want to resort to this, Pinkalompha Galoraphobia!" The shadow's wand let out a stream of pink flashes and a few stars thrown in too for good measure. This was the most dreaded, most evil form of magic, known only as Queer Magic. Draco's peaceful wet dream was skillfully invaded by little pink ompalompahs with large downstairs departments, attempting to jump on him and give seductive lapdances. He woke screaming, either mentally scarred by the horrors he had the misfortune to witness, or he was upset it was over. He instictivly looked in his bedside mirror to check his trademark platinum blond hair, only to find, to his horror, that it had been turned a sickly (yet stylish) luminous pink.

"Knew I shouldn't have gone for the cheap dye job."

"It was I you fool!" The voice turning harse and raspy, weezing every few words.

"Gosh Sevy, kinda kinky, come on in, big boy." he replied, keeping his eyes on his dazling beauty.

"No, your Sevy seems to have a new boy toy, one twice his size, in more ways then one. Trust me, I should know. I am the all mighty Bartattacusdilfa III. But you may call me Barry. No, make that Mighty Barry." The shadow smiled revielling the tell tale vampire trademark of blood tipped fangs. This made Draco wonder how he had missed them, fearing he was becoming like the people on the boat at the begining of Pirates of the Carribean when they didn't see the burning boat for ages, and it just seemed to apear in front of them, even though the fog couldn't have been that thick, since the fire would have shown alot earlier, that was a great movie. He then proceeded to fantasise about Johnny Depp in a pirate costume. Something he had in common with the author.

"Yummy."

"Ehem?" Draco noticed the vampire was tapping his foot on the window sill. And in a bored, unexcited voice it ordered, "Follow me." Draco did obidiently, knowing he would lose his pretty pink hair if he didn't. He needed it for the halloween dance, to match his Little Bow Peep costume. He decided he had to make use of it while he had it. By the time the two had reached the centre of the Forbidden Forest, Draco was dressed like a drag queen, his hair was full of multi coloured curlers and was using all his brain power considering which eyeshadow matched it best.

"Hmm, passion pink, or fruit punch?"

"Silence! Or a quiet whisper, whichever suits you best." Draco hastily pocketed his make-up and turned to see the one and only (with the exception of a few lookalikes), Lord Voldermort. Draco took a few steps back, embarressed for his appearence.

"So, Malfoy Junior, never guessed you to be a cross-dresser. You really are just like a Dark Wizard. I too have a weakness for womens lingerie. As well as those gorgeous pointed toed sandles. Darling, a must have to any dark lords wardrobe. But now we must get to the matter at hand. I see you've met Barry." Barry coughed something that sounded like Mighty, but probably wasn't. Draco nodded, though a few inexpertly applied curlers fell out.

"Crusio!" The dark lord let out a scream, cursing Draco, then playfully spanking him with his wand. "You must never present those to me, you must know I am unfortunatly bald." Draco collapsed on the floor, telling himself not to scream, but couldn't hold back a Micheal Jackson imitation.

"OW!"

"Now go to Barry. He shall deal with you, and teach you the tricks of the trade."

"What trade?"

"Don't worry about that, and don't be caught off gaurd if Barry spoons you. MWAHAHAHAHA!" The dark lord proceded to cough while he rooted through Draco's pockets.

Barry advanced quickly and caught Draco fast, taking his neck in his fangs, ignoring the boys girlish screams, and soon Draco stopped resisting as his lord stopped searching his pockets and started to undress, singing what sounded like "I feel like a women". As his eyelids grew heavy, he realised he was lucky he wasn't going to be awake to see his master in all his glory, and soon collapsed.


Now you review. Yes, you know you want to. If you do, I will provide pancakes at my fan clubs next meeting. Feel free to join, it's lonley being the only member.