The Diary Of A Fop

Disclaimer: I don't own Phantom of the Opera, in any of it's incarnations. Or "My Little Pony". Don't ask.

Author's Note: Raoul isn't going to get off easy. I mean, we all want to know why the box he's been using smells like cherry lip gloss.

July 1st, 1881

Dear Diary,

Was at the mall today. Had to go shopping for new bedsheets. Christine laughed at the "My Little Pony" ones.

Am keeping the pillowcase no matter what she says.

Bought myself very grown-up blue sheets for my racecar bed.

Also picked up a few more tubes of my favorite cherry lip gloss.

Raoul

July 3rd, 1881

Dear Diary,

Have been listening to Christine whine about the state of her skin.

Claims she is having overexposure to mildew.

Told her she should stop hanging out in basements.

She said basements are better than bedrooms with "My Little Pony" bedsheets.

Raoul

July 5th, 1881

Dear Diary,

Am almost out of lip gloss already.

Christine says I would use it up so fast if I didn't apply it compulsively.

I asked her if she would still kiss me if my lips weren't soft and conditioned.

She just looked at me funny.

Raoul

July 7th, 1881

Dear Diary

Have decided to order crates of lip gloss directly from the company.

Am also keeping some spares in my private box in case I forget.

I've hidden them in the seat cushions in case of emergencies.

I love the cherry scent!

Raoul

July 8th, 1881

Dear Diary,

Took Christine out to dinner tonight.

She laughed at me for getting a kids meal.

I laughed at her because she didn't get a cool toy.

So there.

Raoul

July 10th, 1881

Dear Diary,

Have been noticing a strange burning smell around the opera house lately.

No wonder Christine is still willing to come out to dinner with me, the food must be awful.

Raoul

July 13th, 1881

Dear Diary,

Giant crate of lip gloss arrived today.

I've gotten a new tophat as well.

See, if you separate the words in between the o and the p instead of between the p and the h it's like it's saying "Too Phat" because the tophat is just too cool for all of you.

Christine reminded me that there is only one "o" in the word tophat.

She always has to spoil my fun.

Raoul

July 15th, 1881

Dear Diary,

I'm finally down to a pack a day.

Of lip gloss that is.

Christine was not impressed by my achievements.

She walked around muttering something about blueberry waffles.

Raoul

July 16th, 1881

Dear Diary,

Christine has stopped complaining about the mildew and started hanging in the basements more often.

Can't say I mind, as she's a terrible fun-sucker.

But she makes up for it by sucking other things to, so I suppose I shouldn't complain.

Raoul

July 18th, 1881

Dear Diary,

Giant chandelier crashed at the opera house today.

Was remotely amusing to see it smush people.

Was funnier to see Carlotta croaking like a frog.

Everyone blamed the Phantom, but I think it's just because Carlotta sucks.

Raoul

July 21st, 1881

Dear Diary,

Somebody has been pulling on my ponytail lately, and it's really begun to get on my nerves.

I mean, what did I ever do to them?

At first I hoped it was Christine, then I realized, she couldn't be on stage and in Box Five all at once.

Unless she's a magical fairy.

Or she has a clone.

Raoul

July 23rd, 1881

Dear Diary,

Christine continually muttering about blueberry waffles.

When asked, she claims she doesn't want to eat them, because she'll get fat, but they smell so good.

Told her she could stand to gain a few.

She smacked me.

Raoul

July 24th, 1881

Dear Diary,

OH NO! PANIC AND ALARM!

MY PONYTAIL HAS GONE MISSING!

I was just sitting in my box, and I reached back to straighten it, and it was GONE!

Shall put up flyers. "LOST: PONYTAIL! RETURN TO RAOUL!"

Raoul

July 26th, 1881

Dear Diary,

No sign of the ponytail

Box five is covered in tiny pine trees, though. The smell nice. My cherry lip gloss smells better though.

The trees do look pretty though.

Raoul

July 28th, 1881

Dear Diary,

No sign of ponytail.

No more pretty colored trees in box five either.

Day was made significantly cheerier when Christine gave me some coupons for Herbal Essences shampoo.

I wonder why she's being so nice all of a sudden...

Raoul

July 30th, 1881

Dear Diary,

Perhaps I should just get another ponytail?

Where would one go about doing that?

Christine said I have to grow it, but I'm really no good at gardening.

Raoul

July 31st, 1881

Dear Diary,

It's been over a week without my dear ponytail.

I'm holding up okay,

Its just that we had such good times together...

Oh well, Christine bought me some Rogaine and said that maybe that will make it grow faster.

Raoul