May, 1950
"Is this the last box?" I heard down the hall from our cramped house that we were staying in together. I grinned, looking up and over from my own area on our bed and the cool Bay air was coasting into the room. I had to take a breather then, resting my hands on the small bump of a stomach that was evident there to show that I was 4 months along in my pregnancy.
"I'm assuming so, or else we are screwed if it's not." I yelled back at him, hearing a chuckle from my husband's end of the hallway. I grinned from my spot, looking over to where our now deserted dresser was and how our wedding invitation and picture was framed in a picture there, still on the top and having me want to save that for the last piece of furniture we were going to pack before we moved.
A big move to Virginia.
My husband got a call back from his father back in his hometown about a new job opening and a great new house that they wanted us to move into and plant roots there, I agreed that we needed a change of pace. I was needing to get into a new place, a new way of life, and this was going to be good for the both of us now since we've been married now for a few years now. Almost 4 really.
But then, I thought how I was moving away from my brothers and father since they are still living in the house over in Seattle. After my mother passed, my father stayed in that house and still ran the business, and I knew it pained him that his wife died and he was in that big house alone. I even considered having us move up there to be close to him in case he needed someone, but Andrew and his wife, along with their three kids, were in the area and close enough to help him through the mourning. Samuel moved to Oregon and was engaged, and Ethan decided to visit our Uncle in Colorado and go to school out there for his Masters.
Even with all the good things that are happening to them, It felt painful for me to call them and let them know the new plans that my husband and I were doing, but they were glad that I was moving and getting a new life ready for the taking. Though I knew it would pain them from being away from their niece and Granddaughter.
My own baby girl named Margo. Margo Emma Powers.
She was born after 5 months after my mother's passing, which was also hard for me since I needed a mother figure to be there for me when I became a mother in that hospital. But then again I had my father and brothers, who came down a couple of days before I went into labor, along with Joe and Peggy who were supporting me tenfold. I gave her the middle name Emma, of course naming her after my dear friend whom I had nightmares about, seeing her death and having no way of preventing it. I still missed her, beyond missed her.
Now Margo was about to be 3 years old, small enough to be considered a loaf of bread, but bold enough to be running around without a second for us to blink and see where she was. She had her father's sweet tone and hair that was in ringlets, my cheeks and eyes and she was beyond perfect.
Her father adored her, yet he till looked like a young boy more than a father really, but it was within those moment when he would hold her close after she would cry, or run after her as a tickle monster through the halls of our cramped home, that I knew he loved being a father. I loved being her mother too, soaking in the moment with her like how I was soaking in the sun during the war. That was another thing that I was still suffering from:
The Goddamn war.
I could hear the cries, see the faces, and feel the blood of those who died at my hands. I never once loved what I did, I even regretted it. I knew I had to get out my house and that was the best option for me, not to mention the pay I got from the war and how that, along with my husbands' pay, got us the apartment and helped us get started in our life together, but other than that, everything else was stained red. I never looked at or touched, another gun again. It would sicken me to see another gun, and sometimes made me really want to retreat into a ball and just wish I was dead. I had to remind myself that I made it out alive, with a scar on my rib, haunting nightmares in my mind and the damaged soul that I thought I would live with forever,
But this new life was helping me mend it, once and for all.
I heard footsteps coming down the hall now as I looked away from the wedding picture and then over to see my husband, Shifty Powers, coming down the hall to the bedroom now, and he was not alone. He was holding our firstborn daughter close to him as she was gurgling and giggling at him, enraptured with his face from the moment she saw him. With our second child coming, it was good to know we were moving into a house that had plenty of rooms, in which Joe joked with us as we told him the news on the phone.
"It's because of all the little Powers you are gonna be making ain't it?" He asked me with his cocky attitude, and I just told him to bugger off.
"I found mommy, I told you I'd find her," Shifty said to our daughter then as she looked at me and squealed now in happiness from seeing me, her mother. I grinned too, always having a bright shine of happiness myself from the sight of my daughter.
"Mommy, mommy!" She said in joy as Shifty placed her on the floor and she scurried over to my side. I leaned down, gathering her in my arms and housing her up before I had to rearrange her from the sense of gravity being shifted because of my pregnancy. Shifty walked over and helped me by placing his hand on my back to make sure I didn't fall over with the added wait.
"I got you, you okay?" He asked me as I was getting my hold on Margo steady now. I nodded.
"I got her, thanks love." I said to him, seeing him grin at me now as Margo looked at me dead in the eyes now, the same way her father would look when something was on her mind.
"Daddy says we're moving today." Margo explained to me, having me nod in agreement.
"Your daddy's right, we're going to move to a great big house, near where your daddy grew up." I explained to her.
"Really?" She asked me in excitement.
"You'll love it, Margo," Shifty explained to our daughter, "There are lots of trees that you can climb since you're our little monkey."
"I'm a big girl, not a monkey!" She said in a pout, and yet we both giggled from her stubbornness that she inherited from me.
"I'm not sure, not from this big toe that I see." I joked, tickling her feet now and hearing her giggle in a fit before the phone was ringing now.
"I'll get it, and Joe should be by sometime soon to help with the boxes." Shifty said to me now as he moved away from me and was about to head out of the bedroom.
"What about Peggy? I thought she was coming too." I asked him now as he was going down the hall.
"They're coming, I swear they are." Shifty called out over his shoulder as he picked up the phone and I placed Margo on the bed now, next to the box there and she peeked in the box.
"Are we seeing Uncle Joe before we go?" She asked me now as she was snooping around the box there.
"We are, he's helping me and your daddy with the packing. Mostly your daddy, since I not allowed to move around really." I explained to her now as I heard Shifty walking back our way now.
"Because of my baby sister?" Margo asked me now, having me eye her and see her grin at me from her hands being on the box flaps.
"You're still convinced that you're having a baby sister?" I asked her. She giggled as I looked a Shifty, seeing him give me a small smile on his face, like he was happy to whomever he talked to on the phone.
"It's for you," He said to me as Margo was reaching into the box now, grabbing the stuffed animal that I stowed away for her that was a gift from her grandfather, "It's Ron." I paused there, already thinking of what I was going to tell Ron then on the phone since the left time I saw him, I was getting married. We were back in a great place between the both of us, letter to each other about new people in our lives and when the next Easy Reunion was going to be. I knew the next we would physically meet up would be in Christmas when he promised that he would come out for that Reunion that was going to be held in Boston, his own territory.
"Who's Ron, mommy?" Margo asked, both Shifty and myself looked at her now and wondering how we were going to really talk to about it with her when she was older and wanted to know more, not just about Ron, but of the past that Shifty and I had in the war. She was only 3, but I was already dreading on when she was going to ask such questions. She would want to know about how her father and I met, how I got the scar on my side, and how I never mentioned her grandmother.
"I'll go talk to him." I said to Shifty, seeing him give me a reassuring smile and then leaning over to give me a sweet kiss on the lips. Leave it to Shifty to be my true sense of hope when it came to mending myself again, I had no real intention on falling in love with him, but it happened within months of talking to each other after the war.
He got a job out in San Francisco and stayed within arms reach of me, and after the plenty of walks in the park and dinner talks, we some found ourselves raptured and swooned with one another. I didn't know if it was because of that fact we were best friends, or that we protected each other's lives in the war, but it happened before our very eyes, and I was genuinely happy again because of him. I never one regretted it, even after we were married and I was pregnant with Margo, I was still in love with Shifty after those precious first years of us being together.
"I'll get the squirt ready for Joe to come over." Shifty reassured me as he picked up Margo now in his arms. I took another long look at my husband and daughter one more time, a smile there on my face as I finally moved away from them both and down the hall. I could see the phone already on the side of the nightstand, shifty having it ready for me to pick up as he was giggled and talking to our daughter now.
"Hey Ron," I said on the phone.
"Hello, Evangeline." He replied on the phone, making me kind of glad that I was hearing his voice once more on his end, "I'm glad I caught you. I remembered you saying you were moving, I completely forgot it was today."
"Snuck up on us too." I replied to him, hearing him laugh now.
"How's the little one doing?" He asked me, having me grin as I looked back down the hallway, seeing Shifty swinging Margo around in his arms.
"My husband is fine, and my daughter is doing good too. You should see Margo, Ron. She's getting big." I explained, Ron chuckling again from my joke about my husband.
"Glad to hear it and Shifty tells me you guys are expecting again?" He asked, having me cringe a bit and really wish I was going to be the one to tell him. Why was I nervous to tell him such a thing, we are only friends now? It was still that small flicker of trust there, me trusting that he would be okay with me going on with my life and mending my old wounds together now. I knew I was doing good, it was Ron that I was worried about since he was never a man who would throw out his feelings in the healthy way.
"I'm 4 months along now, and next time I go to the Doctor, I'll know if it's a boy or a girl." I explained carefully to him now, hearing nothing on his end for a moment or so. Now I was worried since I had no real way of understanding what he was feeling since he was not in front of me. I heard him sigh in the phone now, having me shift a bit and sit in the chair that was next to the phone.
"Ron?" I asked him, wanting to hear what was on his mind.
"It kills me, sometimes." He said to me then, his voice was raw and low now as I was sitting there in the chair and holding the phone to my ear, "It kills me to know that what I did to you….it can't be undone at all."
"Don't start with that…" I warned him gently, but he wasn't hearing it.
"You know what's pathetic?" He asked me, a sad laugh on his lips on the other end of the phone, "Sometimes I imagine us together, if I didn't do what I did….I would think that we would be married and having our own kids together. I would think….we would be happy." I cringed, placing my hand on my swollen stomach now and wishing we were talking about something else now. He was suffering now, and as much as I hated him for what he did to me, I hated how he was still looking back in shame.
"Ron, this is not healthy for you, not at all. You need to stop," I said to him in a stern manner now, seeing Shifty look in my direction with Margo in his arms and now he was looking a bit concerned from what he was seeing, "What happened in the past needs to stay there. it's not good for you to dwell on the past, believe me. I happen to be an expert of dwelling on the past and I know how that can kill you from the inside out, worse than being shot."
"It's not that easy, Evangeline." He reminded me.
"I know it's not. I'm still living with what my mother did to me…with what Gerald did to me. But I'm still trying to look ahead instead of behind, right?" I asked him, feeling like I was trying to talk him from jumping off the edge of a cliff to his death, more than anything really. I never wanted this for him, I wanted him to find his one sense of happiness. He sighed again on the phone, having me lean back in my chair and hope to God that he was doing okay whoever he was.
"How about this, once we get out to Virginia, I can catch the train and come down to see you and we can talk some more, okay?" I asked him, hope in my tone and less of a scolding.
"I would like that." He replied, having me smile finally and see the light at the end of the tunnel.
"You should know what it's like, coming out of the war and to expect to be perfect to everyone else when all you wanna do is break," I reminded him, "But you're doing okay, Ron. I know you are." It didn't matter anymore that we weren't together, or that I was moving on and he was stuck. All that mattered was that I could be that sense of hope that he was in me once, that Shifty was with me, along with Bull, Doc, and even Joe. They never gave up on me, and I was not going to do the same with him.
"Thanks, Evangeline." He thanked me. That's all there was to it really since we both knew stormy nights and haunted images were going to be there for the rest of our lives to remind us of how sinful we were.
"You're welcome."
"I cannot believe you're takin' this little gem from me. It ain't fair." Joe said in a grumble as he scooped Margo in his arms and Peggy was hugging me close, avoiding my pregnant belly while we were in front of the car and our apartment was now empty. After hanging up the phone with Ron and trying to compose me, Joe and Peggy, who was also having a small bump to show their first child that they were having soon.
"We'll come and visit you guys, you know that." I reminded him as I pulled away from his wife. I was glad the two of them are together, married for about two years now and they were going to be parents soon. Peggy ad Joe complimented each other more than I could care to admit, and they were in the same boat as Shifty and I. They were suffering from the war and were trying to mend each other.
"You better, since I wanna see how big this one gets." Joe replied to me as Peggy tried not to cry in front of me now. She had her pregnancy glow about her, and she was till beautiful after those years of being out of the war. Margo kissed Joe's cheek now as he placed her down on the ground.
"Bye bye Uncle Joe. I love you." She said to him as she smiled up at him. I could have sworn I heard Joe swear under his breath since he too loved Margo like she was his own child. He was there when she was born, her christening at the church and her birthdays. Now it was like he was seeing his own daughter go and it was tearing him up inside.
"Come here my summer child." Peggy urged her as she held Margo in her own arms. Joe walked over to me now, hugging me close and I breathed him in. Joe was the one who I never thought I would grow close to, very close to. But it was all because he not only still stuck by me in the war, but he saved me from my mother's clutches and brought me my freedom that I needed for years and years. It was because of him that I was free, and I owed Joe my life.
"Take care of yourself, you have another little one on the way who's gonna need the strong mother I know you are," He said into my hair as Peggy and Shifty were saying their goodbyes. I nodded my head, digging my head into his neck now and wishing that I was not saying goodbye to my best friend, "I'm gonna miss you, Captain."
"I'm no Captain anymore." I reminded him in a muffled tone.
"You're always gonna be my Captain, and I love you to death." He said to me, having me hold him closer now and hate myself for wanting to cry in front of him. Joe pulled away from me now, framing my face in his bony fingers as I grinned at him.
"Love you too, Joe." I said to him, seeing him grin at me.
"I'm always a phone call away, you know that?" He asked me, making nod my head as he grinned his cocky grin at me now. Shifty held Margo in his arms now as I reluctantly moved away from now and over to the car. Joe and Peggy was the second family that I needed out here in San Francisco, and I hoped they were going to stay that way though we were moving to the East Coast now.
We got in the car and drove down the street, seeing Peggy and Joe on the curb hand in hand as they waved goodbye to us. But it wasn't a permanent goodbye. I knew that as Margo fell asleep in my lap and I held hands with Shifty while he drove.
We were going to see them again.
"That was last of it." I heard Shifty say to me as he was placing the empty box now on the floor near the door of our new bedroom. We were in a new home, surrounded by trees and near the town but far away enough to have that feeling of seclusion. As we figured, the house was far too big for the three of us though it was going to be four very soon. His family came out and met us at Shifty's house and we drove over to the new house together, spending the next few days unpacking and getting our things together. Margo was glad to be playing with her grandparents and we were staying in their home until our new one was ready. I phoned my family as soon as we got there, letting them know we were okay.
Margo had her own room, next to ours with a big enough window for her curious eyes to look through. Now she was fast asleep in her bed, toys were already scattered on the floor along with her fairy tale books and other knick knacks her grandparents got her as soon as we got into town. Our room, on the other hand, was nice and big for our new big bed and dresser. It did feel like too much space, compared to our cramped apartment back on the Bay and on the other side of the country. Now, there was so much space for us just to walk around other than trying to step over Margo's toys and one of our bags from work or school.
"Thank God for that." I said in a huff as I landed on our new bed that was much bigger and softer to sit in now. Shifty grinned as he sunk into the bed too, rubbing his face with his hands now as he looked over at me.
"My dad wants to go out hunting in the morning, and he wanted to see if you would want to come along," Shifty said to me, having me look over at him as he laced our fingers together on the top of the bed, "I told him that you're not….that it's still hard for you to pick up a gun these days,"
"I don't wish to be rude to your father.." I started with him, but he shook his head cause he could see how I was already rethinking on how I was holding a gun, and all that happened because of it.
"You're not ready to do something like that, Evangeline. I know you're not." He reminded me now, having me and in agreement, "And I don't want you to go through another nightmare because of it."
"I'm that messed up, aren't I?" I asked him almost a weary manner, since I would constantly think about it on and off for the past 4 years now, even with the confidence that I had a good life with an adoring husband and loving daughter. I was still shaped, distraught and worried about how fucked up it was that I would shiver after seeing a gun nearby, or hearing someone scream that would remind me of the ones who died.
"Hey," I heard, having me look over at Shifty, watching me with the worried eyes he would always give me when he knew I was in a dark place. I never wanted him to see me like this, since he was a great source of hope from in a future that could be so clear and bright and true. He searched my eyes with his own war brown ones, and I wonder how I ever got so lucky to be with him and call him my husband.
"You know I love you?" He asked me, having me nod my head at him now as he was pushing my hair away from my eyes with his other hand, his fingers lingering there on my skin. Such a question or him to ask me since I felt like it was tedious for him to say that to me.
"I do," I replied back to him without thinking about it more, a smile there on his face.
"And you know that I wouldn't trade any part of our marriage, our life together, for anything else in the whole world, right?" He asked me now, having me seeing him look so serious about it and I nodded once again.
"I know you wouldn't." I answered him.
"So I don't want you to ever think that you're a mess. You're not a mess to me, no matter how many men you had to kill because of what you were in the war." He reminded me now, his voice as stern and yet kind at the same time. We would always have these talks together, how he would bring me out of having another depressing thought to myself and another round of "I hate myself".
"I don't think I deserve someone like you." I said to him now, seeing him grin at me as he leaned over to kiss me sweetly on the cheek now, still holding my hand now and staying close enough for me to one again feel the safety and devotion that only Shifty would provide.
"I think it's a bit too late for you trying to talk your way out of being with me," He murmured to me against my skin, having me grin at him and sneak a kiss on his head, "You're stuck with me, no matter how hard you try."
"I'm gonna have to try harder then, since you're too stubborn to leave me." I countered back to him, hearing him chuckle now as then wrapped his arm around me and we both fell onto our bed together, the both of us giggling and just wrapped up in each other.
This was a good thing for us, to just be with each other and not be afraid. HIs arm around me, his other hand laced with mine, and I was giggling into his hair and him against my neck to give me a shutter of both lust and peace at the same time. I did love Shifty, with more words than I could care to give or say.
"So, enlighten me," Shifty said to me now as he unlaced our fingers and rested his hand on my small bump, having me watch and get a shiver from his finger touching my belly there, "You thinkin' a boy?"
"Well, Margo is convinced that it's a girl so she can have a little sister to play with," I explained to him now as we were both laying out on our new bed, having me look up at the ceiling and smile from the taught of having another daughter.
"What about you?" I asked him, feeling stroke my belly and keep his head close to me, "You want a girl or a boy?"
"I don't care, either way I'm beyond glad to have another healthy child." He said to me, looking up at me now and I grinned at him.
"Be honest, you want a little boy so you can teach him how to shoot a gun." I teased him, seeing the wide smile on his face now as he snuggled a bit closer to me.
"Sure, I would want a boy to roughhouse with," He started, having me playful punch him in the side and he laughed, "But if I do have another daughter, maybe I can do with her what your dad did with you."
"What do you mean?" I asked him.
"He took you hunting," He explained, having me watch him now as he was looking at my belly now with our child there and a soft look there on his face, "That was how you were so close to your dad, he gave you that kind of freedom." After he said that, I pulled him in close and we just embraced each other.
Shifty wanted to give that freedom to our children because he knew that freedom my father gave me was enough for me to just get by when I grew up. He never wanted what happen between my mother and I to be the very case with our children, he loved my father from the moment he met him. Hell, they went hunting several times in Washington, before and after we were married. My father loved him too, knowing he was the right man or me to marry. Hell, I never mentioned Ron to my father, not the part of us almost being together and how he broke my heart.
"I love you," I said to him, resting my head on his chest now and feeling him play with my hair and kiss my head in such a loving manner.
"I love you too, my Evangeline." he murmured. I was ready for me, and any other children that would come along and take us on more adventures and trails. But for someone like me, I needed someone like Shifty. And Vice Versa.
This was where I needed to be.
