A very big thank you goes out to my friend AuroraLynne, who keeps inspiring me with her wonderful drawings! She and I have come up with this system where she draws and I write, or vice versa. She's my co-author! OBRIGADA!
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Chapter 1
Between Waking and Sleeping
His eyelids were unbelievably heavy. He felt his consciousness drifting slowly to the unknown darkness of sleep and being pulled back again. It wasn't the rumbling sound of speeders outside the closed window that was keeping him awake or the soft rain pattering against the glass. The dim moonlight was stealing its way through the miniscule openings of his eyelids. Sighing he pulled the covers over his head. Sleeplessness had become unfamiliar. He had experienced it often enough during the war, when he was worried about a mission or the people he was in charge of or Finn. Especially Finn. Of course Finn had always been able to handle himself, but Poe had never been able to shake the feeling of dread whenever he had had to say goodbye to his companion. But that was over now. The First Order had been utterly destroyed and most of its followers integrated into the New Republic's society. It hadn't been an ideal solution but the thought of letting them start another military regime like before seemed impossible.
None of that mattered now. He wanted to sleep. But it seemed impossible with the bed next to him empty. The very spot where Finn should be. He felt an exasperated groan building up inside his throat. His mind kept racing for no apparent reason. He thought about the flying lessons he had given today, about the prospect of his time off coming up, about what his father might say about the waste of money that new house on the outskirts of Hanna City was, about the new house itself, about the amount of space they'd have in comparison to the little flat they lived in now. He thought about what he would miss in the new house and what he was looking forward to. The quiet. The space. But this... this was too much. Too much space in a bed which he usually shared with someone else.
Breathing heavily he sat up, his eyes wide open as he heard the person next door starting to hum.
"Finn..., " Poe croaked, his voice husky from averted sleep.
The humming stopped and in the semi darkness Poe saw Finn's head lean through the doorway. "I thought you were asleep," Finn said with a grin.
"With you tearing down the place? I don't think so." Poe smirked.
"I'm not tearing down anything. I swear!" Finn disappeared again. "Go back to sleep. Tomorrow's going to be a long day."
"Look who's talking," Poe mumbled and pushed the covers away completely. The floor underneath his feet was terribly cold, but that couldn't be helped now.
"What?!" Finn's voice came from the living room.
"Never mind." Poe sighed and rested his head in his hands. For a moment he stayed like this, his mind racing from the sleep he was supposed to be getting, to Finn and the next day. He got up, when he realized that it was no use. He couldn't fall asleep again. Not without Finn. He had never told this to Finn, but he didn't really sleep well without his partner next to him. His feet shuffling over the floor he slowly made his way to the doorway. Beebee-Ate came to life as Poe passed him, but shut down again at a sign from Poe. Finn hadn't even turned on the light so as not to wake Poe.
"What are you doing?" he asked unnecessarily when he spotted Finn amongst the moving boxes. Somehow Finn had managed to accumulate a lifetime's worth of souvenirs and general clutter over the last five years and Poe hadn't been able to bring himself to tell the other to stop. Finn had missed out on possessing things for so long, now that he had the time and opportunity to collect useless things like novelty mugs or miniature statues of places he had been to, he did. Poe still caught him occasionally just looking at the things he had accumulated over time.
Finn was wearing a white shirt and a pair of comfortable sweatpants. The same things he had worn to bed. "What?" Finn said again, turning around with two mugs with pictures of landscapes on Naboo on them. It was a souvenir from their first vacation together after the war had ended and before Finn had started studying here in Hanna City. Finn caught Poe's eyes and shrugged. "Just packing, I guess."
Shaking his head Poe approached him with outstretched hands and wrapped him in his arms. Finn's body was unbelievably warm after packing things into boxes for what must have been hours. "Can't you do that when we get back?" Poe asked quietly, his cheek pressed against Finn's. He knew that Finn was terribly nervous about the upcoming day, but he also knew that Finn needed to calm down and get to bed if he wanted to survive the ceremony.
"I could, but I want to do something now. I can't seem to clear my head."
Poe nodded. "I know, babe," he whispered trailing his lips along Finn's jaw. "Come back to bed."
With a sigh Finn put his arms around Poe und shook his head slightly. "You only want me to stop making a racket."
"True," Poe chuckled. "But I also want you to be wide awake tomorrow. You earned this." He leaned back his head a little to look at Finn. He hadn't really aged in the ten years they had been together, not as far as Poe could tell anyway, his eyes were the same and so were his lips and his hair was as short as ever.
The corners of Finn's mouth twitched, as he returned Poe's gaze. "Thanks, but I know you're only saying this, because you can't sleep without me snoring next to you."
Poe's eyes widened as he slapped Finn on the shoulder. "My dear man, you're a bit full of yourself, aren't you?"
Finn laughed out loud and held Poe's face tight in his hands. "Maybe I am, but that's your fault," he said jokingly but Poe knew that what Finn had said was partly true. Finn had had some problems getting used to being an individual in the beginning. It had however only taken Poe a couple of nudges in the right direction to persuade Finn to be his own man. Finn was confident enough and had felt out of place with the Stormtroopers anyway. Finn was loyal, brave and the most amazing person Poe had ever met but it had been Poe's task to make Finn realize the last part about himself.
Poe shook his head smilingly, pulling Finn's body closer to his. "Stop talking and come to bed."
"I thought you wanted me to stop packing." Finn's lips brushed Poe's suggestively and Poe couldn't hold back a sigh of pleasure and longing at the same time.
"Will you-" Poe pressed his lips against Finn's lightly biting down on Finn's lower lip, "-please-" his tongue traced the soft skin "-shut-" Before he could finish the sentence Finn had grabbed him by the hair and pulled their faces together.
The sound of thunder rolled over the city as Finn let one of his hands glide down Poe's back.
Grinning against Finn's lips Poe buried his hands in Finn's shirt and signalled to the other that he wanted it off. With an exasperated sigh Finn let go of him and reached for the hem of his shirt. Poe only got one second to marvel at the beauty of Finn's upper body, before his eyes fell shut again as Finn wrapped his arms around him, trailing kisses along his jaw. "Come on, let's move this to the bedroom."
Laughing lightly against Finn's lips Poe hooked his index finger into Finn's shorts and pulled away. "You're sure? It might tire you out and who will finish the packing then?" Poe didn't have to look to know that Finn was already longing for him. He himself didn't feel any different. It had never taken them long to get to this point.
His eyes burning, he watched as Finn shook his head and he felt Finn's warm fingers on his bare skin, which sent a pleasant shiver down his spine. "That's what you want, isn't it? For me to make love to you, fall asleep next to you so you can get some rest?" Finn raised his eyebrows and Poe felt a lump forming in his throat. He didn't even blink as he nodded slowly.
"Yeah," he croaked. "Why not?"
Finn shrugged. "Yeah," he answered. "Why the hell not."
With deliberate slowness he pushed Poe backwards, not taking his eyes off him for even a second and Poe followed Finn's every move more than willingly. His pyjama pants already seemed to be too tight on him and he was desperate for this. For Finn. He always was and he knew that it was no different for Finn.
His limbs felt like they were made of lead. Finn's chest beneath his cheek moved slowly up and down und Poe heard every single beat of his heart. A gently snore was everything it took for Poe's eyelids to fall shut. Finn only ever snored once. His breathing was steady and rhythmic beneath Poe's head and Poe shifted slightly so it rested on Finn's bare shoulder. Finn's feet had already grown cold, but he hadn't seemed to realize it. Poe wriggled his own foot between Finn's to provide some warmth. Finn's feet were always cold and he complained about it every time he went to bed, only seeming to forget about the coldness in his extremities after sex since he tended to fall asleep immediately afterwards.
This was how it was supposed to be. Finn next to him, his heartbeat the only sound in his ear. It even drowned out the sound of rain gently patting against the window. The thunder had fallen silent some time ago.
Wrapping his arms more tightly around Finn's body, Poe finally felt the heaviness of sleep envelop his mind as well as his body, which grew comfortably warm and Finn's steady breathing drowned out the rest of the galaxy.
Poe laughed like he hadn't laughed in months, maybe even years. Anyone else would have been offended had he laughed at them like this, but not him. Not the man dancing in the middle of the room with his arms raised high above his head, his feet stomping on the floor, while banging his head to the rhythm of the music blaring from the speakers like a maniac. His red hair was flying in all directions, as he tried to sing along to the lyrics in a language he didn't even speak and stopping as the music slowed down. Only now did Poe approach his husband, who opened his eyes and looked at him, his hair now sticking to his sweaty forehead.
Morap Bendar's smile stretched not only to his dark brown eyes, making them sparkle like stars, but it seemed to envelop the entire rest of the room. It was as radiant as the suns of Tatooine, almost blinding, but not quite. It only blinded Poe to the rest of the universe. It always had, really. Ever since they had met for the first time so many years ago.
Poe's breath caught in his throat when Morap grabbed his hand, pulling him close. Morap's fingers were as cold as ice on his skin. A ghost's touch.
The unseen audience, their wedding guests, cheered. Poe could even make out Iolo's characteristic wolf whistling. But this time, for the first time ever, it sent a shiver down his spine. Poe felt their eyes on them. Their looks made his throat tighten.
He couldn't take his eyes off Morap, who was still grinning. "Hey..." Morap's voice was soft, but somehow distant at the same time. As if it was only reaching him through a thick, almost impenetrable fog. But it had been like this for a long time. Forever even, hadn't it?
"Hey...", said Poe, brushing his free hand through Morap's glorious thick hair. Morap's breath on his lips was as cold as the touch of his hand, but it drowned out the voices of the people he couldn't see anyway. "Your dancing is absolutely ridiculous, babe."
"Are you making fun of me?"
"Absolutely." Poe grinned, despite himself. Morap was dead. He knew that. All of a sudden he knew and his heart leapt at the thought of getting to hold him anyway, to be allowed to touch his hair, look into his eyes. "I'm allowed to, aren't I?"
And then, all of a sudden, everything grew quiet. Suffocating.
Morap froze.
Poe saw the flash of light. Saw the fireball and knew that he had lost Morap forever. Morap's X-Wing had been hit by an ion cannon, rendering the starfighter immobile in the middle of an asteroid field. Poe had seen it, had felt the numbness spreading through his limbs, making it impossible for him to act.
Morap's lips grew thinner as his face did, erasing all traces of a long ago broken nose. Poe felt a gloved hand on his throat, felt the other's breath hot on his cheek and was unable to move. He was strapped to a chair, the bindings tight on his wrists and ankles. They were the only things able to keep him in an upright position at this point. This was worse. Worse than anything Kylo Ren had put him through.
"Well, Dameron... I've got a couple of questions for you."
He was back. Back in that room. Back with Meelan. Back with Morap's brother. He knew the drill. Knew what was coming. Knew that he wouldn't get out of this. His breath came in gasps. Already he could feel the tingling in his fingertips, the slight vibrations moving up his arms. But the worst thing of all was that smile. That smile on Meelan Bendar's face. "That's what I thought," Poe said, trying desperately to keep his voice as steady as possible. "But you took your time. This place is starting to feel like home."
"We'll take care of that, don't worry." Bendar's lips formed a smile, deforming the face so similar to Morap's.
Poe screamed, before it had even started. Get me out of this! Get me out!
But nothing happened. He was trapped. Trapped in this place. Trapped with Bendar.
Poe woke with a start, barely able to contain the scream climbing up his throat. He bit on his hand to hold back any sound that would wake Finn. He tasted sweat on his skin. Though this happened all too frequently, after ten years, Poe was still unable to shake the from head to foot he moved away from Finn, who was still sleeping, and got up. At least his legs were willing to support him on his way to the bathroom.
With shaking hands he threw cold water into his face, trying desperately to clear his head. He had this dream on a regular basis. He couldn't name the trigger for it, it just happened and it always left him in this state.
He felt the bile rise in his throat and before he knew it he was throwing up into the toilet. His legs had given way as the shivers of pain still echoing through his entire body sent him to the floor. Now he could only hope that he hadn't woken up Finn.
He wiped his mouth and flushed the toilet, then he closed his eyes. Why? Why, after all this time, couldn't he just let it go? Why did he still dream of the time he had spent as Bendar's prisoner aboard the Vanquisher. Ten years! It had been ten years! Bendar had tried and finally succeeded in extracting information about the Resistance from him. Only now did Poe know that the physical pain Bendar had caused him had not been the tool which had finally broken him. It had been the man's similarity to his brother Morap.
Morap and Poe had been together for years before Morap had been blown to bits in that asteroid field, leaving Poe behind. Shattered. Poe had never been able to get Morap to talk about his family. His past. Only when he had met Meelan Bendar had he finally understood why Morap had been unwilling to tell him. Morap had run away from the First Order, had become a refugee in the New Republic, leaving his brother behind. The very same brother who had tortured Poe and then released him. Meelan Bendar's face had been the real torture. The real reason why Poe had given in, was that he couldn't bear to see that cold smile and those unforgiving eyes. Not on the face he had once loved, as he screamed in agony.
Poe got up again, turned on the tap and let the icy water run over his wrists. His breath was coming in gasps, while his heart was hammering wildly in his chest like it wanted to break free. Looking up into the mirror he saw dark circles beneath his eyes, saw the droplets of water sticking to his face. His hair had gone grey in a couple of places over the last decade. He didn't mind, neither did Finn, but to him it felt like a constant reminder of Bendar. He had spotted the first grey hair after he had escaped from the Order. Still he couldn't bring himself to dye it. It would just appear to others like a sign of vanity and he couldn't bear that. Couldn't bear the questioning looks other people were sure to throw his way once he started altering his appearance. He didn't want to explain how the graying hair reminded him of those nightmares every day of his life. Of how it kept the memory of those days of being forced to remember his dead lover, in the most excruciating way possible, alive.
Sighing he turned the tap off again and buried his face in his hands. It had been so long.. would he ever be free? Would he ever be able to forget Bendar? Probably not. Just like he'd never be able to forget Morap, who had been the first person he had ever fallen in love with. He knew that, had Morap never died, he wouldn't be with Finn now. Shivering from head to foot Poe tried to push the thought aside. Of course he would still be with Morap, he wouldn't have glanced twice at Finn, but after Morap's death things had changed! Drastically. Poe had thought he'd never love again, had sworn to himself to never get himself into this situation again. But it had happened. He was happy. Happy to be with Finn. Happy, because he had never thought he'd feel so comfortable around another person after Morap. And maybe that was it. Guilt. Maybe he felt guilty for being with Finn. Guilty at the same time for remembering Morap. And that was probably also why he had never, not once, told Finn about these nightmares.
This stoy is a sequel to my story "The Pilot", but I think "Home" can be read by someone who hasn't read the first story yet.
At this point I'd also like to thank my friend Caro for proofreading this whole thing and also to my friend Rachel (Zoe_Dameron) whom I keep busy with my story "The Pilot" ;) THANK YOU, GUYS!
