A Journey to nowhere
"Don't..."
"Just..."
Mickey Milkovich was still sat on his bed, still holding back tears, still. Those sentences were never finished, not because he couldn't finish telling Ian Gallagher exactly what he wanted, but because he didn't know what he wanted. Had he somehow let this convenient hook up get to him? He knew that something was different in the last few weeks. He had been spending more time with Gallagher, he even let his guard down and kissed him, but he had put that down to playing the game. When his dad walked in on them, for a moment he had gone for Gallagher - So many excuses had sprung to mind, he got drunk, he didn't know what was happening; he let his dad attack Ian, and then he knew, he knew he couldn't let that happen.
What followed was acting. He had to act tough, masculine, dominant. That's what his Dad Terry Milkovich had taught him to be, so he did what he always did, he did as he was told. He looked at Gallagher for a while to get him hard, but after a few seconds, he couldn't bare to look him in the eye. Not just at that moment in time, but for the next 3 weeks. Gallagher had hunted him down a few times, wanted him to explain what happened, talk about feelings, explain what was going to happen next. It was during those few weeks that he discovered why he had gotten close to Gallagher.
Those weeks were hell apart from him. Work kept him occupied, he wanted to give beat downs, not because it showed his brothers that he was a man, but because the sweet pain from his hands let him grieve. Grieve because he knew what he had to do, he had to move on from his happiness, he had to grow up and be a man. That was until Gallagher found him, shooting empty bottles on the roof top of some ruined apartments. Then he grieved. Mickey had given the final blow, he didn't want to, he did want to, he didn't know. After that beat down, he found his mind in another place. He knew he was going to be told to marry the Russian... He knew that he wasn't man enough to be able to say no.
When Gallagher turned up just before the service, it had felt like heaven. He had done his best work pissed off... That wasn't why it had felt like heaven. It felt like heaven because he had been close to him. He for a moment thought that he could have both of them. Having Gallagher around, close to him, making him smile, holding him... It was with that sweet thought that got him through the next few days. He hadn't gone on a honeymoon, money was tight, and he knew he didn't want to be alone for long with his new wife Svetlana. They didn't like each other, they both knew exactly why they were in this situation. Mickey because he had been fucked by a man, and his new wife because she owed money, lots of money.
Suddenly Gallagher turned up, he knew it, he could feel it. Mandy had bounced to the door as Mickey was finishing his work out. He kept himself in shape, not just because of work or the looks he got from people in the dark dingy clubs, but because it gave him something to do to pass the time. He seemed to be stuck in a commie prison. He got Gallagher in his room to show him the changes, his new room had moved because he needed more space with his wife. No longer would his dad walk through his room every morning for the bathroom. Privacy- that isn't what he wanted, he'd happily have traded privacy for something much more.
He was finally content, wanted to chit-chat, he wanted to feel as close to normal as he could ever be described as again - just as it had been before they had been caught. Gallagher had acted weird. Mickey had expected it, but he knew he could get what he wanted. Gallagher just stood there, didn't want to enter his martial room, barely spoke, always looking straight at him. He didn't know what to do, get him in the mood, make him laugh... No, this didn't work...
"I'm leaving town..."
"I've found a way around it..."
"Don't what..."
Mickey Milkovich was still sat on his bed, a tear aching to be shed. Ian was still near, he could hear the pellet gun outside. He could hear him spend his last few hours with his best friend, his little sister. Mandy Milkovich had known, had Gallagher told her all the little details, had she overheard their conversation? The one thing that killed Mickey more than anything was simply that Gallagher wasn't even planning on telling him, four years, at least... If he even would make it back.
They had finally stopped shooting outside, Mandy had dropped off the pellet gun inside, they were done - He was gone. Almost.
