I'd like to remind you I was extremely high when I wrote this...

You've been warned.


HAILEY GUILFORD WAS A NORMAL FEMALE SPECIMEN UNTIL ONE DAY SHE READ WARRIORS: INTO THE WILD. IT WAS THE BEST BOOK EVER. EVER. THAT'S HOW GREAT IT IS, IT MAKES YOU SAY THINGS TWICE…. TWICE.

ANYWAYS, SHE READ THE REST OF THE BOOKS AND SOON BECAME A SUPER MEGA FAN. ONE DAY SHE BECAME A WARRIOR CAT, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU DO, YOU BECOME SOMETHING YOU LIKE. SADLY, SHE HAD TO EXPIRENCE BIRTH AND HOW IT FELT TO COME OUT OF SOME CAT'S VAGINA HOLE. HER NEW NAME WAS DERPYPAW. DERPYPAW WAS SO EPIC SHE GOT TO SKIP BEING A KIT AND BECAME AN APPRENTICE RIGHT AWAY.

ONE DAY DERPYPAW, ACCOMPAINIED BY CAMELTOE, HAD TO GO ON A SUPER SECRET MISSION FOR CATMINT, ACCORDING TO THE CLAN LEADER.


-"SO, WHICH OF YOU FINE SHE-CATS WANT TO MATE- I MEAN… SLEEP IN MY DEN TONIGHT?" PORNSTAR CALLED FROM HIGHROCK,

"BUT WE CAN'T MATE- I MEAN SLEEP WITH DERPY AND CAMELTOE AROUND. THOSE TWO ARE PUSSYS. AHAHA. THAT WAS A CAT PUN. GET IT.. BECAUSE WE'RE CATS." BLUEWAFFLE REPLIED,

"I HAVE THAT COVERED. I SENT THOSE TWO OFF ON A MISSION FOR CATMINT. SO WE CAN GET HIGH. MY DRUG PILE WAS RUNNING LOW ANYWAY." PORNSTAR ANSWERED.

"YAY, SO NOW WE CAN MATE." SEXFACE YOWLED.

"OH, SEXFACE YOU DIRTY GIRL. YOU REALLY THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO MATE? I CLEARLY SAID WE WERE GOING TO SLEEP IN MY DEN. GO AND SIT IN YOUR EMO CORNER." PORNSTAR HISSED. AS SEXFACE WALKED AWAY PORNSTAR TURNED TO THE REST OF THE SHE-CATS WHICH WAS MOST OF THE CLAN.

"SHE'S SUCH A BITC- FEMALE DOG."-


DERPYPAW AND CAMELTOE CONTINUED WALKING THROUGH THE FOREST BUT THEY WERE SOON STOPPED BY A ORGYCLAN PATROL.

"WHAT ARE YOU TWO ORGYCLAN WANNABES DOING ON OUR TERRITORY?" VAGISIL YOWLED

"BITCH, WE AINT ON YO TERRITORY." DERPY REPLIED.

"YOU LIE. SEE THAT ROCK RIGHT THERE?" VAGISIL ASKED AND POINTED IN ONE DIRECTION,

"THAT ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE TWO COWS MATING? I SEE WHY YOU'D WANT TO POINT THAT OUT. THAT'S VERY EROTIC." CAMELTOE REPLIED, "IT GIVES ME SOMETHING TO FAP TO."

"NO, NOT THAT ROCK, THAT ROCK. THE ONE SHAPED LIKE A ROCK." VAGASIL REPLIED,

"OH YEAH I SEE IT." DERPY MEOWED.

"THAT IS OUR BORDER LINE. YOU CROSSED THE LINE." VAGASIL EXPLAINED. DERPY NODDED IN UNDERSTANDING.

"I SEE. I GUESS THAT MEANS YOU HAVE TO RAPE US TO TEACH US A LESSON." DERPY LAID DOWN, "TAKE ME INTO YOUR PLEASURE."

"EEWWW NO!" VAGASIL REPLIED, "BESIDES, WE'RE BOTH GIRLS. THAT WOULDN'T WORK. WE WERE JUST GOING TO BRING YOU BACK TO OUR CAMP TO MEET CONDOMSTAR."

"OOOHHH… IS HE GOING TO RAPE US THEN?" CAMELTOE ASKED, "BECAUSE IT'S NOT RAPE IF YOU TELL US NOW. I WON'T BE ABLE TO PRESS CHARGES."

"NO. NO SEX FOR YOU." VAGASIL REPLIED, "NO FOLLOW ME AND THE OTHER CAT OF THIS PATROL THAT THE DRUNKEN WRITER FAILED TO MENTION."

DERPY AND CAMELTOE WERE THEN FORCED TO GO DEEPER INTO ORGYCLAN'S TERRITORY.

"VAGASIL?" DERPY ASKED. THE CAT DID NOT REPLY,

"VAGASIL?" DERPY YOWLED,

"YO, VAGASIL!" SHE SCREECHED.

"DAMMIT, I HEARD YOU THE FIRST 20 TIMES, WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"…. We're in a forest, Vagasil."

VAGASIL SIGHED AND KEPT WALKING,

"HEY, VAGASIL. I DARE YOU NOT TO ASK ME WHAT I'M THINKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW." CAMELTOE WHISPERED

VAGASIL NODDED, "THAT'S EASY."

"HEY. VAGASIL. ASK ME WHAT I'M THINKING." CAMELTOE MEOWED

"BUT YOU TOLD ME NOT T-"

"ASK MEEEEEEEEEEEE! AAASSSKKK MMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEE OR I'LL TROLL YOU FOREVER."

"FINE. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW?" VAGASIL ASKED,

"…. YOU JUST LOST THE GAME, BITCH." CAMELTOE REPLIED,

"YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST GO. I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE ON OUR TERRITORY OR NOT. AS LONG AS I NEVER HAVE TO HEAR YOUR VOICE AGAIN." VAGASIL YOWLED.

"OK. BYE THEN." DERPY SAID AND WALKED AWAY WITH CAMELTOE FOLLOWING CLOSELY BEHIND.

AFTER AWHILE CAMELTOE SPOKE, "THE WRITER OF THIS STORY HAS NOTHING ELSE TO SAY SO SHE'S JUST GONNA WRITE DOWN CRAP. SOME SHIZ IS ABOUT TO GO DOWN."

"I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN. I'M FEELING THE URGE TO…. TOOOOOO…."

"TO?"

DERPY SUDDENLY EXPLODED, I MEAN… SHE DIDN'T EXPLODE BUT SHE STARTED BOUNCING AROUND LIKE CRAZY,

"I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH I WHIP MY HAIR BACK N FORTH!" DERPY SANG. CAMELTOE WATCHED IN AMAZEMENT.

"HOLY STARCLAN. YOUR VOICE IS SO AMZING IT COMES WITH IT'S OWN BACK UP SINGERS….. LOL… I SAID "COME""

"OH HAHA I GET IT." DERPY LAUGHED, "NOW IT'S TIME TO GET SERIOUS. MY LITTLE PONY SERIOUS."

"BUT THOSE PONYS…. SO SERIOUS…"

"CONFOUND THESE PONIES. THEY DRIVE ME TO LESBIANISM."

"THEY DRIVE ME TO CUT MYSELF.. SOOO DEEP.. I JUST WANTED TO KNOW WHAT IT TASTED LIKE…. WHAT IT FELT LIKE TO HAVE THE VERY LIFE BEING DRAINED OUT OF ME."

"YOU'RE SO POETIC, CAMELTOE." DERPY REPLIED, SNAPPING HER FINGERS.

"YEP. NOW LETS GO GET THAT CATMINT. WE DON'T WANT TO LEAVE OUR READERS HANGING. OR MAYBE WE DO. BECAUSE THAT'S HOW GOOD WRITERS DRAW IN A BIGGER AUDIENCE. BUT OUR CLIFFHANGER WILL HAVE SOME CLASS. WE WON'T LEAV IN THE MIDDLE OF A SENTE-"


TO BE CONTINUED…. OR NOT. BUT DOES IT REALLY MATTER? IT'S A TEA PARTY, LET'S GET WATSED.