The Inner Monologue of the Sorting Hat
By: Ben Plante (Blinus42)
Author's Note: I know Luna Lovegood isn't in the same year as the others, but I couldn't resist hearing the Hat's thoughts on her.
Oh for fuck's sake, it's the beginning of another school year AGAIN? I have to sit on these little brats with their naïve ideals and their childish prepubescent thoughts. Plus they probably have lice. Godric, I swear on my droopy point, if I'm ever destroyed and see you in the afterlife, I'll never let you hear the end of it.
It's bad enough he sliced open the part just above the rim, did he think I didn't feel that? Just so I could have a mouth, he said. I thought he was a wizard, he couldn't have made me be able to talk by, I dunno, WIZARDRY! Prick.
Oh and now that McGonagall bitch is picking me up and explaining me to the brats. No asking for permission, just a hat after all, right Minerva? No respect.
Y'know, I'm the backbone of this 'House' system, I deserve a little respect. I go through this sorting business, then I get put away in Dumbledouche's office for a year with only that stupid bird for company.
Oh Merlin I almost forgot, the song. They make me sing every year to these little shits. I assure you, my happy tone of voice in my lyrics is a lie; inside I'm just thinking KILL ME NOW. Well, I'm almost done. "…for I'm a thinking cap!". There. Now let's get this bollocks over with.
Okay, which little shoulda-been-an-abortion is next. Hermione Granger? Geez, I really am tired of putting up this front that the house choices are anything more than my random bull. They're all the same, I just keep having to make up reasons why so-and-so fits whatever house I yell.
Alright, Hermione Granger. Well, Ravenclaw is for the smarty-pants types, and this Granger bitch is certainly a know-it-all. But poor Ravenclaw, if this chick is in that house, she may annoy them all to death, and the last thing we need around here is a mass suicide. Alright. "Oh, very clever, quite the knowledgeable girl. Read all your textbooks already, eh? Some may call you a smarty-pants or a know-it-all, but me, I see you as perfect for Ravenclaw. BUT, if you want to stand out, then for you, better be GRYFFINDOR!"
Now go away.
Next up is… I've already forgotten his name because of the first image I saw in his head. He likes to masturbate to roadkill. "HUFFLEPUFF!"
I need a good washing later.
Let's see, Luna Lovegood. Man that's gonna get her teased. What's with her thoughts though? I can't form a single coherent thought, it's all so abstract. Gnargles? Floytants? Markapollocks? This girl is autistic or something. Though creative at least so I guess it'll be "RAVENCLAW!"
Now go away before you break my brain anymore.
Neville Longbottom, eh? If I recall, his parents are the ones who don't even know their own names anymore. I guess I should be nice to him. Let's see here. … … … … PSH HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAA! OH MY GOD WHAT A LOSER! AHA! AHAHAHA! AHA aha. Yeah. Still though, "GRYFFINDOR!"
There, see I can be nice, he got the popular house. … But holy hell are they gonna eat that poor kid alive, heeheehee!
What name did Minerva just say? Draco Malfoy? As in Lucius Malfoy's son? Oh fuck this, "SLYTHERIN!"
He doesn't even need to put me on, if he's a Malfoy, he belongs in Slytherin. Buncha wankers.
Who? Weasley? "GRYFFINDOR!" … No real reason, just every Weasley goes there, it saves me time.
Ah, at last, the messiah himself, Harry Potter. Let's poke around his head. Yeah, this kid's definitely going in Gryffindor. I wonder how he'd react if I hinted I might put him in Slytherin? That'd be a fun way to screw with his head…
~END
