Those Damn Kids!

Chapter 1: Teenagers can be such a pain.


England yawned as he walked down the stairs to his kitchen. Now, normally this event would be cause for mass panic as it would indicate that England was planning on attempting to cook. However this morning, sure disaster was diverted by an unexpected presence in said kitchen. England stopped short as he noticed a tall teenager in his kitchen. England wasn't quite sure what to make of this. While it was rather normal for him to come downstairs and learn that America had shown up sometime during the night, he had never before found an unknown girl in his kitchen before. She moved rather efficiently around his kitchen, her long dark brown hair swaying in its ponytail as she cooked something that smelled very appetising. She was dressed like most teenagers these days, blue jeans and a simple pink t-shirt. Not quite sure what to do, England stepped into the kitchen and cleared his throat, noticing as he did so that even though she was brewing coffee (he always kept a bit on hand for when America dropped in, although he always claimed it was only to avoid listening to the other's whinging) she also had a kettle of hot water on the stove. Was she making tea as well?

Startled, the girl turned around and England got a good look at her eyes. They were a clear sky blue – the same blue as America's… "Good morning, Iggy!" She chirped happily. "Breakfast is almost done."

"…Who are you?" England asked, unable to find a more polite way to put it. He could now see that the t-shirt she was wearing had rather strange saying on the front, 'Will trade boyfriend for tractor.'

The girl blinked and said, "Y-you don't remember me? Then again, I haven't seen you since you helped me burn down Fort Madison." She smiled and turned back to the bacon she was frying. "That's kinda sad, seeing as I always sorta admired you after that."

"Fort Madison?" England racked his memory for that particular battle. Madison, so it was built by English-speakers. Likely Canada or America then. "War of 1812, wasn't it?"

"Well, it was in 1813, to be specific." She flashed him a grin as she set the bacon on the table. "I wasn't actually s'posed to be there, you know. My tribe wasn't really involved, just a coupla us rogues decided to help out Black Hawk."

"…Ioway, wasn't it? And a few of your brothers were there too, I think." England finally said. He hadn't thought about the little Native nations in a long time. He'd never been sure what America had done with them, although he'd heard that several of the tribes were given small tracts of land.

"Yep, though I go by Iowa now." She said cheerfully and sat down at the table. England sat down as well and watched with interest as she piled eggs, bacon, sausages, and muffins onto her plate. "Don't you want any?" Iowa asked as she began pouring her coffee into a mug.

England smiled and began to help himself as she apparently wasn't going to dish out his serving. America's children were apparently every bit as casual as America, which wasn't all that surprising, really. "Not that I mind you making me breakfast, but why did you decide to visit?" He asked, unable to suppress his curiosity any longer.

Iowa swallowed the bite of eggs she had taken before answering. At least this one had more manners than America. "Well, you have brothers, right?" Iowa asked, hesitantly.

England scowled, "I have three older brothers." He added under his breath, "Pain in the arse, all of them."

Iowa gave a short laugh, "Then I think you'll understand what I mean when I say that I really needed to get away for a bit." She took a sip of her coffee and added, "Normally I go visit Yamanashi or one of my other sister states, but, well, I figured that I hadn't seen you in awhile." She shrugged and continued, "From what Dad says, you never mind when he drops in unannounced, so I figured you wouldn't get too upset."

England found himself blinking at that. Why would he be upset for receiving visitors? He cleared his throat, "Well, you are always welcome to stop by for a visit." He poured his tea and wondered privately how long it would be before America broke down his door and accused him of trying to steal one of his daughters. England had only met a small portion of America's states, and from what he understood, America was very overprotective of all his children.


Minnesota chewed his bottom lip nervously as he ran a hand through his short sandy blond hair. It had been an entire week since Iowa had gotten fed up and stormed out. And nobody knew where she was! Her cell was turned off and she wasn't replying to his e-mails. He had even gone as far as calling all of her sister states and all of his own siblings. The last anyone had seen of her was at the Des Moines Airport. He didn't even know what flight she took! Minnesota was aware that he had a tendency to worry about his more reckless siblings (mainly Iowa and Missouri) a bit more than was usually warranted, but he felt that in this case he was justified. He opened his cell nervously and thumbed down his contacts list to the number that was generally best left as a last resort – his father's number. Taking a deep breath, he waited for America to answer. He already knew how America would react – he always freaked out over stuff like this.


England glanced up from his embroidery, more than a little exasperated as Iowa gave yet another sarcastic, disparaging remark to the telly. Could she watch anything without criticising it to pieces? Well, anything other than Doctor Who. England had been surprised to learn that the young state had never missed a single episode. (She had also demanded that they watch the film that had never been released in the States. He still wasn't sure how she won that argument.) England was quite ready to demand that she return home and likely would have done so, if he could think of how to do so without being point blank rude. After all, she'd been here for two weeks and had yet to indicate when she would be leaving.

The phone rang, interrupting his thoughts. Sighing, England picked up the phone. "Iiiiggyyyy!" The wail cut through England's polite 'hello.' "Iggy, it's terrible! It's horrible! It's-it's-"

"America, calm down!" England snapped. His patience with Americans had never been very good and it had already been stretched to the breaking point these last few weeks. (Although, England did have to admit that Iowa was a rather good cook, if a bit unorthodox in her methods at times. She had the alarming tendency to experiment with recipes.) "Now what is the matter?"

America sniffed and cried, "Someone kidnapped my baby! She's gone, Iggy! My little Iowa's been snatched away!" England rubbed his temples in exasperation. "I've looked everywhere for her! I-I think Al Qaeda m-must have-"

"America!" England cut in; there was no way he was going to let America finish that thought. Honestly, terrorists weren't the only malevolent force out there. "Get over here!" It was best to just let the two sort it out themselves than try to explain to a hysterical America that he had not kidnapped Iowa.

"Wh-what?" America protested. "No, I can't come over now. I have to find my-"

"America, I will help you." England growled. "But I need you to come over here NOW! We will discuss this in person." And hopefully the idiot wouldn't try to shoot him.

"…Okay." America said rather timidly. "I'll be on the next flight out of D.C."

"Good." England said. "I will see you shortly." As he hung up the phone, England glanced over at the couch, which was now empty. "Damn." Now he had an errant state to track down.


A.N. This is a first for me. I decided that since this story is, for the most part, from England's POV that I should try to use British spelling and terms in the narrative portions as well as speech. I'm not sure how well I did, as I'm an American that has never been to the UK. So, if any of you know of any British terms that I should have used in place of American ones, please let me know. Spelling-wise too.

By the way, the part from Minnesota's POV is meant to be American English. I'm aware that British use the term 'mobile' and that Americans say 'cell.' I actually did that purposely as a contrast.

Historical note: Iowa was part of the Louisiana Purchase in 1803, but it wasn't until the construction of Fort Madison in 1808 that the US gained military control over the region (although it was tenuous at best). It was not a very well designed fort, and in 1813 British-supported Native Americans defeated it. The natives were led by Black Hawk and the warriors were primarily from the Potawatomi, Ho-Chunk, Kickapoo, and Ottawa tribes.

The Ioway tribe was not one of the tribes that fought against the US, or at least not as a tribe. I imagine they likely were sympathetic with the other tribes, especially the Ho-Chunk as the Ioway claim to be descended from them.