i.
Effy fucks people because it feels good. She drinks because it makes her sparkle. She takes drugs because it makes her forget. Combined, they're what she wants, who she wants to be and so she does
ii.
When Tony left home Effy felt like she'd lost something. He'd left her alone and she hated him for it. She promised then never to give a shit about anyone else, and if she did she'd leave them before it could get any worse, before they could do it to her. They would never leave her like her brother did. She wouldn't give them the chance.
iii.
When Effy fucks Cook she does it because it feels good and she knows it doesn't mean anything. They get drunk, they get high and they fuck until neither of them can breathe, feel, or walk. They exhaust one another and then get back up again, carry on with what they were doing before. She feels like she's floating on air and she forgets herself when she's with him. He doesn't take her bullshit and he doesn't blame her for it either. She tells him to shut up and he does. They forget and they carry on. It's good.
iv.
When Effy thinks of Freddy her heart skips a beat. Her head stops and her stomach lurches. She feels dread and something else that she swore she never would. She can feel herself being drawn to him. When she's with him she feels guilty for not being as good as him. She feels guilty because she knows she has the power to break him. She knows that she's going to ruin them both.
When she's with Freddy she wants to be a better person. She hates it because she knows she can't change.
v.
When Cook tells Effy he loves her, her blood runs cold. She hates him for loving her the way he does. It's supposed to be the both of them together, telling the world to go fuck themselves and dealing with things their own way.
Falling in love was never part of the deal.
vi.
When Effy fucks Freddie, she wants to stay wrapped around him for hours.
He doesn't call it fucking.
Neither does she.
It feels like something more.
It feels like something special.
vii.
Being with Cook is fun.
viii.
Being with Freddie terrifies her.
ix.
She knows which one she wants; she knows which one she can't have.
x.
She hates herself for falling in love.
