Tonight was their first concert in 3 years. I know it should be the last thing on my mind, but they were once my family. I logged onto the live stream of the show and watched the boys make the floor of Radio City Music hall shake. I hope they realize that everyone in the room knows their song "First Time" is actually about someone's first time. The excuse for the song actually being about "moments" is a smart touch though.
I try to ignore the tug on my heartstrings when he uses the words "My Destiny" in "Still In Love With You". I remember crying my heart out the first time he did that when we were just teenagers.
I don't even notice the smile that graces my face when he's alone, in the middle of the stage, talking about more moments in his life. I actually got a little nervous because he was talking about his personal life and how he rarely speaks of his feelings unless it's in a song. I fully expected him to sit alone on stage and sing "Before The Storm". Maybe I'm a little selfish, but I should always be there when he sings that song. I may have only performed it with him once, but it still holds special memories of us sitting at his piano writing it. Him and his eggplant colored shirt broke my heart and healed it again when we wrote all our feelings about our relationship into that song.
As he continued his intro, he started talking about his feelings about events in the last year and how he felt the feelings of the next song at one point in time, but not necessarily still feeling those feelings now. My heart froze; I didn't know if I was hoping the song was about his older ex girlfriend, or if he was going to confess his true thoughts to me through a song again.
He started to play crisp notes from the piano, and his voice just makes me fall in love all over again. I didn't realize I wasn't paying attention to the lyrics until I heard…
"She says, Can you keep a secret?
A ceremony set for June
I know it's a rush, but I just love him so much
I hope that you can meet him soon"
I was didn't know how to feel in that moment. Should I be angry that he's releasing private details of our conversation, or should I be happy that I still affect him the way he affects me?
"No, I don't wanna love, if it's not you
I don't wanna hear the wedding bells bloom
Maybe we can try, one last time
But I don't wanna hear the wedding bells chime
Trying to fall asleep
You wake me up cause I'm trying to see the light
Instead of you in white
I don't wanna hear the wedding bells chime"
Tears clouded my eyes. I never understood why we could never be on the same page. Either I loved him and he was mad at me and with someone else, or I had someone and he would suddenly get epiphanies about how much I really mean to him. How can he say that doesn't wanna love if it's not me? He's had plenty other "loves" that he was willing to flaunt around, I always had to be the secret. And really? Wedding Bells? Did he really think he was singing to a world of morons, who else did he have a relationship with that's getting married? Apparently subtlety wasn't their prerogative tonight.
"Pardon my harsh reaction
You put me on the spot
And if I'm being honest
I'm hoping I get caught
Showing you I'm all happy
Not letting you see my truth
Cause if you recall our anniversary falls
11 nights into June"
I don't remember crying this hard since we were practically kids breaking up on tour in December. My heart is breaking knowing that he still holds onto a piece of us, a piece I thought he let go of when he let go of me. I knew he was acting when he congratulated me on my engagement, but I didn't realize that he still remembered us. June 11th is still a day that I hold sacred, but I honestly thought it was just me. He hasn't mentioned the idea or even memory of us, but I guess that explains the sudden need to express moments that are important to them. Moments that hold their memories.
He ends the song repeating the chorus of wedding bells again. And once again, he has me in a ball in the corner of my room crying. I don't know how my fiancé would feel about me sitting alone thinking of my ex boyfriend. But the world knows he's not just an ex boyfriend, he's the love my life. He's the epic love you write novels about, the one where you fight till you're both torn and broken but you need each other because you hold each other together.
I didn't want that kind of love anymore. I wanted the easy love that I can have with my dogs and my fiancé. I craved being normal, but I can't help but remember that I'm 20 and engaged, and realizing that I'm crying and having my heartbroken over a song that simply states that my ex still loves me. He still has a hold over me, and I should try to talk to him about it before I go through with my decisions.
I dial his number while he's still on stage. I know he can't answer during the show and I'm not brave enough to hear his voice and not completely crumble. His voicemail beeps…
"Hey….it's me. I just wanted to tell you that the show is amazing and I'm currently watching it now. Annnnnnnnd we gotta talk…about the song. If you still feel an ounce of what you let out tonight, just call me back and we can figure some stuff out. If you moved on and it was a spur of the moment thing, delete this and we can go back to pretending that we're bffs even though we speak three times a year. And by the way… I love you"
I know it's wrong to not warn my fiancé about the song, but I need to figure out my feelings before catering to someone else's. I love my fiancé, but I'll always love him more. But I have to find out if love is enough for us
Twitter is pouring with tweets about the song, and what my reaction is going to be. I shut off my laptop, put my phone on "Do Not Disturb", and slept the drama away.
I woke up to a simple voicemail from him saying…
"I love you, My Girl"
I knew it was going to be a hard journey ahead of me, but those words alone let me know that it just might be worth it to find my real prince again. And maybe then he'd be willing to hear the wedding bells chime.
