HAR HAR HAR!
Disclaimer: "Angel" By Slick Shoes is a mad good song. And I don't' own Zelda you WHORES! If you ever played OOT…then you friggin know what I'm talking about with "trophies"
"I'm a WHAT Now?"
A 7 part mini series by WHO ELSE WOULD CREATE CRAP LIKE THIS?
*H'r'm*
This is a lil ol' mini friggin series (WELL WHAT ELSE WOULD I DO?) about all the SAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGES! (sages) and it's like…THEIR THOUGHTS WHEN THEY FIND OUT THEY'RE BECOMIN SAGES! Hee dee hee dee hee.
*The Sage o' Light: RAURU THE MEAT-EATER!*
As usual, I was lying on my fat ass, passed out drunk in the middle of my precious Temple of Time. This was not an uncommon day for me. I thought I was cool by doing this!
I quickly recovered from my hangover. The taste of Ink was getting old. It was 'four o'clock in the fuckin' morning… (it's a line from The Used) and I decided to have SNACK TIME! I settled down at my huge table, lit some candles, and DIVULGED!
I had six sausages, fourteen slices of bread, thirteen chalices of wine, two bowls of mashed potatoes, four whole roast chickens, a Party Bag of Smartfood Popcorn, a carton of Kitty Litter, a tube of toothpaste, and seven or eight of those chocolate Hershey's eggs.
I was feeling a little tipsy after SNACK TIME, so I decided to eat some more. I inspected the fridge, but there wasn't anything left! So I came back later, hoping a magic little elf had put some more food back in the fridge for me to divulge. BUT TO NO AVRIL!! Er, AVAIL! I hadn't had food for…for…twenty-nine minutes…AND HOW FAINT I FELT!!!!!! OH THE HUMAN-NINITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I dropped to my knees, causing my precious Temple of Time to tremble. 'I'D SELL MY SOUL FOR A SCRAP OF FOOD!' I yelled. I looked up and waited for a sign from God, or Jesus, or Marquee de Lafayette, or my precious teddy bear Snuffles…SOMEBODY! ANYBODY! But…but…
I saw this bogus white light pouring down on me. Then there were these THREE BIG CHOCOLATE TROPHIES THAT DECENDED DOWN FROM MY PRECIOUS TEMPLE OF TIME!!!!!!!!!!! And I was all like…OMIGOD!!! CHOCOLATE!!!!!!! So I ran to them and sank my teethies into one of the delicious chocolate thingies. It was very scrumptious. Except that I chipped two of my teeth. Because it turned out that these delicious chocolate trophies were just regular cheap trophies!!!!!!!!! AHH!
I knew that they weren't real chocolate trophies because it said 'OW!' And I was like… 'WHOA!' And it was like… 'YO!'
I got scared, so I hid under a pillow on my couch.
The scrumptious chocolate trophy treat saw me and used some magic stuff and pulled me out from under the couch cushion.
It was fun to fly.
I said… "Whee!"
But I think the non-chocolate trophy Rauru-Teeth-Hurter treat was going to just drop me on my fat booty, but had second thoughts and placed me gently on the ground. Hey, I still had some good China left, I didn't wanna break it ALL!
"Oh Fat Ass Rauru…" Said the front false chocolate trophy, "I am Farore, the Golden Goddess of Courage."
I snapped back into reality. "Oh, I'm sorry, what did you say? I wasn't paying attention."
"ME-DAMMIT!" Screamed another chocolate delicious trophy, "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND!?!? WE'RE THE GOLDEN GODDESSES!!!!!! We're here to HELP! And now YOU'RE not HELPING!!"
"Please excuse her," spoke up the third muncheriffic chocolatey trophy snack, "That's only Din the Golden Goddess of Power."
"She's pretty damn powerful if you ask me!" I said.
"I am Nayru, the Goddess of Wisdom."
I started to drool. I hadn't eaten in thirty-nine minutes at this point, and I was MAD hungry. So I tried to con this trophy into letting me have it's way with it. "Ohhhhhhhh! Wiiiiiiiisdom, eh? You must be pretty tasty-I mean smart. Mind if I nibble at some of those crunchy brain cells?"
"SWEET ME!" Yelled the PMS-ey one Din. "GODDESS MEETING!!!!!!!!!"
Heh heh hee…
Ho ho ho…
Blah ha ha!
They thought that I couldn't hear them…but I had that handy EAR TRUMPET! So I heard them!
They said I was fat.
Din said that I couldn't have been what the ancient scrolls said I should be.
Nayru used those chewy brain cells of hers and said that I was what the scrolls produced.
Farore didn't say anything. I think she died.
So suddenly all three of the delectable trophies walked towards me again, and told me that I was to become the Sage of Light, and protect the Light Temple.
Here came my big line that clinched off the meaning of the story…
"I'm a WHAT now?"
Din wasn't happy I asked that. I think she needed a good thingy of Midol. "YOU'RE A SAGE!" She screamed right in my ear. "That means you gotta GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASS AND DO SAGELY THINGS!!!!!!"
"And what, pray, does a sage do?" I meekly asked.
"YOU KNOW, SAGE STUFF!!!!!!!!"
"And what, pray, is sage stuff?"
Farore, who wasn't dead, stepped right in front of Din and told me what sages do.
It wasn't exciting.
I fell asleep.
With my eyes open.
And when I came to, Farore was summing up her little talk.
"THAT'S what a sage does!"
I nodded my head in approval so it looked like I was paying attention.
"Good," spoke up tasty-brain-celled Nayru. "When you wake up, you will have sagely powers. But you will have no recollection of seeing us, or trying to sink your teeth into us."
All three of them snapped their fingers like the guys in West Side Story do.
The next thing I knew I was flat on my back, passed out on the floor of my precious Temple of Time. I stood up, looked around, spun around, did a back flip, and danced the Lindy Hop.
"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ME!" I yelled, and I dropped to the ground.
BUT!
When my hands hit the ground, big yellow sparks came
flying outta them!
And I made
two holes in my precious Temple of Time!
It was SO bitchin'!
And then I remembered this bogus nightmare I had about these three delicious chocolate trophies descending from the sky telling me about sageness and so…except I don't remember what they said about sagely duties.
I think it involved scratching my crotch.
Which I did.
Ahh, it felt good.
BUT LIKE WHOA!!!!!!!!! I HAD SAGELY POWERS!!!!!!
And I had NOT A CLUE ABOUT HOW TO USE THEM!!!!!
So I waited.
And waited…
And waited for those three individually wrapped chocolate trophy goodies to fall from the sky again.
They never showed up, the lazy bitches.
So I eventually tamed the sagely powers…
But I had no idea what to do with them!!!!!!
Sure, I used them to clean my precious Temple of Time.
And sure, I used them to eliminate Osama Bin Laden…
But WHAT WAS THEIR PURPOSE IN HYRULE DINDAMMIT??????????????????
One day I came to a conclusion…
I have sage powers…
BECAUSE EVERYONE NEEDS "THE FAT KID" IN THE BUNCH!!!!!!!
And I DO remember Din, Nayru, and Farore talking about a "series" of sages…
SO I'M JUST THE FAT ONE!
BITCHIN'!
::suddenly, it fades to black. It fades back up to Rauru sitting in a chair in front of a red curtain::
So those were my thoughts as the sagely powers came to me. Yeah, it really makes me wanna have a longer attention span so I could have heard what Din, Nayru and Farore told me about the significance of my sagelyness….BUT WHO GIVES!!!!! LOOK WHAT I CAN DO!!!!!!
::Rauru turns around in his chair, and fires a yellow lighting bolt at Zelda's booty::
Take THAT, toots!!!!!!!!
-end- (of RAURU's section of sageocity)
Chapter 2…coming to a computer screen in front of you…
"Sage o' Forest: NO MORE _ _ _ FOR ME!"
3 misty dawn/margera
