For Maddie-chan - a one-shot for you, in honor of your Sanzo-sama...or, as I like to call him, Buddha-boy. :D

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Title: Birthday Not-so-Surprises

Fandom: Saiyuki

Genre: Humor/Parody

Rating: Older teen/Mature (language and sexual references)

Summary: November 29th is Sanzo's birthday. What did the rest of the SanzoIkkou get for the priest?

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Sanzo glared at his companions with deep amethyst eyes. "What the hell...how the fuck did any of you find out?"

Goku and Gojyo sent pointed stares in Hakkai's direction, and the brunette laughed sheepishly. "Let's just say, I have my ways," he said. "Now then, open your presents!"

"OOOH! MINE FIRST, MINE FIRST!!!! PUH-LEEEEZE?!?!?!?!?!" Goku shouted. Without waiting for a reply he shoved a box in the priest's direction. "Happy birthday!" he said with a large grin. Knowing Goku, Sanzo eyed the box warily, hoping that whatever lay inside was not more than a week old. Sighing, he opened it slowly and found a large pile of...

"I see. Meat buns," he said, his eye twitching. Seeing Hakkai's look, however, he swallowed his pride and forced a smile. "Th-thank you...baka saru..."

"WELCOME!!!" Goku cheered. Gojyo chucked a small package at Sanzo's head and promptly received a smack with the dreaded harisen.

"I hope it'll loosen you up a bit, you bastard," Gojyo mumbled. Sanzo took one look inside, and instantly drew his gun - though a deep blush had thus formed on his face.

"YOU. FUCKING. PERV." He clicked the safety off and would have fired had he not been so mortified. Goku peeked inside and cocked an eyebrow in confusion.

"Eh? Nan desu ka?" he asked, dumping out the contents. Hakkai couldn't help the smile that appeared on his face.

"Oh my," he chuckled. "Gojyo, when you said 'loosen up,' you weren't kidding, were you?"

"Wait a sec," Goku said, realization dawning on his face. "Are these - ?"

"WHAT GAVE YOU THE IDEA THAT I NEEDED A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF CONDOMS FOR MY BIRTHDAY YOU IDIOT?!?!?!?!?!" Sanzo screeched at the kappa, who smirked.

"You never know when it might come in handy, if you know what I mean -,"

"SHUT UP RIGHT NOW BEFORE I PUMP YOUR BODY FULL OF LEAD YOU PERVY COCKROACH!!!"

"Well, actually, with my present you could pump a lot more into me than lea -,"

"Gojyo, I think he'll really shoot you if you don't shut up," Hakkai chuckled nervously. Hakuryu gave a small kyuu! of agreement. After a moment of awkward silence, Hakkai handed over a piece of cardboard.

"Sorry I couldn't think of anything better," Hakkai admitted. "I was rather bored though."

The cardboard was actually a sign that was designed to hang around Sanzo's neck. It read, 'I'LL KILL YOU' in all capital letters; said letters were made from cigarette butts. Goku laughed.

"That's creative, Hakkai!" he giggled.

"Yeah, it fits him," Gojyo mumbled. A familiar click of a gun reached the kappa's ears, and he turned to face Hakkai's sign.

"And this time, I'LL DO IT," Sanzo muttered, taking aim for Gojyo's head. Hakkai laughed.

"I can't wait for your birthday next year, Sanzo!" he said jokingly. Already, visions of Gojyo with bullet holes throughout his body swirled through his brain as the 'party' carried on in mild chaos.

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Short, sweet, and kinda bizzare. Let me know what you think. This is really my first attempt at an all-humor fic.

-Note: nan desu ka? is Japanese for What is it?

Ja ne!

-Kat-