A husky, beared man stands on a sandy beach. Behind him, palm trees sway slowly in the breeze and a vast jungle stretches towards the center of the island.
"Welcome to Paradise Isle," the husky man states, "I'm your host, Dirk McGrath. Some of you are probably wondering where Chris McLean is. Chris is no longer a part of the Total Drama team, making good on his promise to retire from hosting once he found his first gray hair."
A wave washes over Dirk's feet as he continues, "Total Drama has been revived by a generous benefactor, and we're all ready for more mayhem, magic, and drama! Here on Paradise Isle, our twenty-two brand new contestants will be split into two teams based on the outcome of the very first challenge. These teams will compete against each other until our merger takes place, at which time the teams will dissolve and it will be every contestant for themself. If battling it out in brutal challenges isn't enough for you viewers at home, our contestants will also be at the mercy of Paradise Isle itself. Blazing sun, unpredictable wildlife, poisonous plants, and huge waves are only a few of the other obstances they'll have to conquer if they want to be the last on standing and claim that sweeeeeet, sweet check for three million."
A small dingy arrives, carrying the first contestant. The young man is quite portly, but has a sincere look about him.
"Hey, you must be Chris," the young man waves as he trudges across the dunes, "I gotta say, all the makeup and lighting make you look wicked different on television."
"I'm not Chris," the new host corrects, "I'm the new host, Dirk McGrath. I'm Chris' replacement."
"Oh, so someone finally snapped and deep sixed McLean, huh? Tsk, that's just too bad," the young man looks slightly sullen as Dirk eyes him, confused.
"Uh...no, Chris is alive and well. Some would say unfortunately. He's retired now, and the network hired me in his place. Anyway, you must be Wheeler," Dirk McGrath checks his notecard, double checking that he has the contestant's name correct.
"Yeah, I'm Wheeler," the young man rubs his chin beard in thought, "You look familiar. You aren't in a band, are you?"
"No," Dirk replies, as the second contestant arrives. Dirk steps in front of Wheeler, "Please, it was nice talking to you, but we have to move on to the other contestants."
"Yeah...I gotcha," Wheeler shoves his hands in his pockets, and whistles quietly to himself.
The next contestant, a tall African-Canadian boy, climbs down off of the boat, and jogs through the dusty dunes. His smile is incredibly wide, almost creepily so.
"Welcome to the show, you must be...uh," Dirk flips through his notecards, "Jeffrey."
"Oh, man! You are soooo good at that!" Jeffrey turns to Wheeler, "It took him like, what? Nine, ten seconds? You're such a pro, my man!" Jeffrey casually slings his arm around Dirk's shoulders, "The dark circles really bring out your eyes. Keep up the good work!"
Dirk, grimacing, removes Jeffrey's arm and directs him to where Wheeler is standing, "You...you go stand with him."
"No problem, boss!" Jeffrey walks brisky in Wheeler's direction. With each step Jeffrey takes, Wheeler's expression grows more and more frightened. As Jeffrey finally approaches, Wheeler drops to the fetal position, "Hey, man, whatcha doin' down there in the sand? Don't get me wrong, that is the most professional fetal position I've ever seen! Are you classically trained?"
"Uh...," Wheeler slowly stands up, "You're not going to hurt me, are you?"
"Whaaaaaat? Pfffft, that's crazy, brother! I could never hurt someone as cool as you!" Jeffrey's smile remains wide as Wheeler's face starts turning from fear to friendly. Jeffrey continues, "I mean, look at that gut. That is one SEXY gut. I mean, I don't think I could ever grow one that full and round. You're like, a god of guts!"
Wheeler starts to sweat, "I...I...thanks, Jerry..."
"Jeffrey," Jeffrey corrects him, "But I've always thought I looked more like a Jerry. Thanks for noticing, my man!"
"Quiet, you two. Another contestant is here," Dirk snaps, and begins fussing with his notecards, "They told me these were in order..."
As he is trying to reorder his notecards, the third contestant arrives. The tall, well endowed young woman stands in front of Dirk, and taps him softly on the shoulder.
"Yes?" Dirk looks up, and immediately drops all of his notecards. The wind picks up, blowing the notecards into the ocean. Dirk doesn't seem to notice, or care, "Welcome to Paradise Isle! You must be..."
"Brittney," the girl responds.
"Brittney! Of course!" Dirk smiles awkwardly as he realizes that his notecards are now a couple hundred feet out to sea, on their way to becoming pulpy mush for some tropical fish to feed on, "Welcome to Paradise Isle, Brittney! I'm the host of this season, Dirk McGrath. I can already tell that you'll be quite the strong contestant! If I may ask, what is with the strange garb?"
"Oh, this?" Brittney looks down at herself, "Why, this is the standard dress for a queen of Nabootoine. I couldn't think to wear anything else, while on this quest."
"I think I've been to Nabootoine," Dirk taps his chin in thought, as Brittney's eyes light up.
"You have?" She smiles, excitedly.
"Yeah...its in Alberta, right?" Dirk snaps his fingers.
"Uh, no. Nabootoine is in a galaxy really, really far away, forty-seven million lightyears south of the Rebel Federation headquarters of planet Ewookie," Brittney folds her arms in disappointment and walks towards Wheeler and Jeffrey. Dirk slumps in shame.
"Hi! Might I say, I've never seen anyone braid their hair in a circular design quite like you! You must be, like, a styling genius!" Jeffrey quickly approaches Brittney, who holds firm in her footsteps.
A few yards behind Jeffrey, Wheeler calls out, "Yeah...Uh, I like your belt! It looks really...belty!"
Brittney lays her hand on Jeffrey's arm, "You are indeed kind, young vulcan. May your travels be blessed with good fortune," Brittney makes an odd symbol with her hand, "Good healty and prosperity."
"Thanks!" Jeffrey calls out, as Brittney begins walking towards Wheeler, "I hope you live long and perspire, too! You're so thoughtful!"
"Greetings, noble snarf herder," Brittney addresses Wheeler, "I sense much potential in you."
"Snarf herder, is that alien for muscle man?" Wheeler smiles, hopefully.
"Actually, it is one who herds snarfs," Brittney laughs, a little, and rests her hand on Wheeler's back, "I sense that you will accomplish something great one day."
"Thanks!" Wheeler blushes, "So, you're a queen, right? Where did you say you were queen of? No, wait, I remember...you're queen of Djibouti, right?"
"Not quite, my friend. Djibouti is a country on your world, while I am from a star federation deep in the outer reaches of the SG-1 Nebula. However, I now reside on my planet of ruling, Nabootoine," Brittney smiles at the sky.
"Oh, that's cool. I'm from Toronto," Wheeler waves at the camera, "Seriously though, where are you from?"
"Manitoba," Brittney sighs, "Come one, guy. I was totally in character."
"Oh," Wheeler's eyes dart side to side, "I'm not sure what to say. Uh...do you like Mutant Sheeps?"
"No, they seem dangerous," Brittney raises her eyesbrows, "I don't know who would bother trying to keep one as a pet."
Wheeler points to his shirt, "No, I mean...ah, forget it," Wheeler returns his hands to his pockets, and starts up his whistling once again. Brittney shrugs, and turns to where Dirk is standing.
"I wonder what the next contestant will be like," Brittney says, more to herself than to anyone else.
"I don't know, girlie, but I'm sure they'll be really awesome!" Jeffrey pops out of nowhere, startling both Brittney and Wheeler. Wheeler begins wobbling forward.
"Hands...stuck in pockets...can't catch mys-" Wheeler's struggle ends with a mouthful of damp sand. Wheeler flails on the ground, trying to turn himself over and still failing to free his hands. Brittney and Jeffrey, who are facing away from Wheeler, do not notice his desperate battle.
As the battle between Wheeler and nature rages on, a new contestant arrives. The sea foam calmly washes over her feet, as she walks towards Dirk and his gaping mouth.
"Well, hi there, you must be Dirk McGrath," the lovely young young cooed, while raising her hand.
"Correct, I'm single-I! I! I mean available!" Dirk winced, as the young woman's expression gradually soured, "Uh...me Dirk, you Erica..."
"Charmed," Erica's ruby red lips faultered, revealing a somewhat disappointed frown. She turns to the other present contestants and resumes smiling. Jeffrey is the first one brave enough to approach.
"You...Hi...I'm...Purdyful...," Jeffrey's tongue, usually cruising at one thounsand miles an hour, betrays him. Erica sighs, but keeps her smile going. Jeffrey's wide grin vanishes for the first time since his arrival, "I apologize...my name is Jeffrey," Jeffrey takes Erica's hand and kisses it politely, "These are the other contestants, Brittney and Scooter."
"Wheeler!" The portly rocker wiggles his way to freedom, stands, and brushes clumps of sand from his figure.
"You sure are," Jeffrey says, absently. His eyes are fixed upon Erica's marvelously calming eyes.
Brittney steps forward, and and bows, "Greetings, Erica. Normally I'd go through my usual introduction ritual...but he," Brittney tosses an accusing thumb at Wheeler, "knocked my out of character."
"Haha," Erica laughs, nervously, "That's quite alright. I think a handshake will do just fine, if'ya ask me," Erica reaches out, and the two girls shake hands.
Wheeler goes to say something, but stops in his tracks. Gazing upon the monument of beauty, Wheeler's eyes slowly shift down, towards his belly. The boy sighs, and waits for the other contestants to pile in.
"Here comes our next competitor," Dirk says, looking through a pair of binoculars, "Looks like the boat is coming up, now." Indeed, the next boat arrives swiftly, and a laid-back, sly looking young man shuffles off the boat, and up the sand dunes to meet the competition.
Clad in plaid, the tall, slender boy flips his hair out of his eyes, "Hey, bro...," The calm young man glances side to side, taking his surrounding in, "Cool island," Smiling, the young man's hair slide back into place, partially covering his left eye. Needless to say, the boy's deeply golden hair was not unpleasant to the eye.
"Thanks," Dirk says, glancing back towards Erica, "Anyway, you must be Peter, or Pauly, or-," The host's comments fade out and are replaced by the soft sounds of the ocean.
"Or Paxton," the boy's gentle eyes and lips try their hardest to form a formidible glare, but can only manage a slightly annoyed pout, "Nice to meet you, man," Paxton sighs, and casually makes his way towards the small group of onlooking contestants.
"Whoa," Wheeler says, "You're pretty. Like a girl, or something."
Paxton's mouth opens slightly, and it seems as though he is unsure of what to say. Finally, he responds, "I don't know of many girls who get this kind of stubble. But thanks for the compliment, dude."
"Oh, yeah, I guess that is a good point," Wheeler chuckles, embarassed.
"Lookin' goooood, brother," Jeffrey hugs the confused slacker, "Scooter is right, you're one nice slice of pie."
"Uh...," Paxton nervously looks to Brittney and Erica for help. Brittney calmly walks towards Jeffrey, who is still holding the perplexed slacker in a bear hug.
"I gotta say, you don't see hair that bouncy on many women," Jeffrey smiles, as Brittney quietly pinches his shoulder, "Let alone...on...bros...," the hulking sycophant drops Paxton, and collaspses.
"He's not dead...right?" Paxton raises a single eyebrow, and slips his hands casually into his pockets.
"Nah, he'll be out for a few minutes, though," Brittney smiles approvingly at the handsome young man, "Unless I squeezed too hard. Anyway, I'm Brittney! Nice to meet you, Paxton!" Brittney offers Paxton a handshake. Nervously, the boy tries to come up with an escape.
"Sorry...my hands are jammed in my pockets," Paxton smiles, nervously, "But I'll take a rain check on that handshake."
"Oh, man, you too? I feel your pain, man. Even my stretchy pants trap my hands, on occasion," Wheeler slaps Paxton on the back, momentarily turning the slacker's usual nonchalant gaze to one of wincing.
"TMI, homie," Paxton laughs, and smiles at the plump boy. Careful to step over Jeffrey's hopefully sleeping body, Paxton situates himself next to Erica. Casually removing his hand from his pocket, Paxton offers her a handshake, "Don't believe we've met, hon. I'm Paxton."
"I'm," Erica's eyes flash with shock, as a large coconut breaks free from a tree overhead, and plummets to the ground, "Holy crap!" Erica watches, as the coconut smacks harmlessly into the sand, inches behind Paxton.
"Funny, you look more like an 'Erica'," Paxton shrugs, "Nice to meet you, HC."
"Hey, how'd you know my name was Erica?" The southern beauty squints at the downtown slacker.
"Lucky guess?" Paxton shrugs, "I dunno. If it was, it would be the first time my luck worked in my favor all day. Anyway, Erica, that's a much nicer name than 'Holy Crap'. I was thinking your parents musta had a sick sense of humor, or lost a bet."
Erica sighs, but with a smile. Paxton smiles back at her. Suddenly, his eyes pop, "Oh, 'fore I forget, I have a girlfriend. Hey, girl with the loopy hair, I'm not available! Just making sure you know!"
Brittney narrows her eyes, drops to her knees, raises her fists to the heavens and curses in some unintelligable language. Paxton, Erica, and Wheeler glance nervously among themself. Jeffrey continues to slumber.
"Hey, if you guys are done screwing around, the next boat is here," Dirk walks towards them, scratching his considerable chest. He winks at Erica and Brittney, points, and makes a clicking noise with his mouth. The two beauties grimace.
Meanwhile, a girl of average height, wide-eyed and smiling, jogs up the shoreline to meet her fellow contestants. Waving, she calls out to the others, "Howdy! I'm Lori!" As the girl makes her way towards the group, the sleeping giant awakens, and Lori plows face-first into Jeffrey's back.
"Oh, I'm so sorry, miss! I did not see you there, running and all. Boy, you sure are fast! I bet you're on the track team, eh?" Jeffrey extends his arm and helps the fallen Lori to her feet.
"Ah, actually, I'm banned from participating in my school's sports programs. There was...an incident," Lori nervously looks side to side.
"What hap-," Erica attempts to ask.
"You don't ask about that!" Lori nearly hisses at the southern belle, while pointing an accusing finger. Slowly lowering her finger, Lori's face shapeshifts back to happy-go-lucky.
"Um...well, alright, hon," Erica steps back, slowly.
Lori smiles, and walks towards Wheeler. Wheeler looks at her, and smiles. Lori smiles back, wide. Clearing his throat, Wheeler bobs his head awkwardly, "Sooooo. You like Mutant Sheeps?"
Lori half frowns, "Well...I don't really like normal sheep, let alone mutated ones."
"No, Mutant Sheeps, the band," Wheeler clears up, "But hey...what have you got against sheeps?"
"I had an experience," Lori frowns. She looks on, and sees that Jeffrey is endlessly sucking up to Brittney, while Erica and Paxton chat each other up.
"Oh, another one of those, huh?" Wheeler sighs, "Well, can I ask what happened?"
"Well...I was fourteen, and I was at a county fair. My mom let me go into the petting zoo. I was petting one of the goats, and feeding it, and talking to it, and so on. I was hunched down on my knees, and this younger goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me," Lori looks around, making sure that the others are distracted. Turning back to Wheeler, she whispers, "In my chest."
"Ah," Wheeler nods to show that he understands, "I know how bad it feels to get headbutted in the stomach."
"No, not my stomach...my chest," Lori says, trying to remain quiet.
"Yeah...they're the same thing, Lori," Wheeler looks at the odd girl, slightly confused.
"Wheeler...Listen very closely. My. Chest," Lori tries to stress the word without drawing attention from the other contestants.
"Um...Lori, I know what a chest is. I have one too," Wheeler pokes himself in the belly, but quickly blushes.
"My boobs!" Lori impulsively shouts. Quickly, she covers her mouth, and glances towards the rest of the teens. As expected, they are all staring at her.
"Yeah...? What about them?" Paxton awkwardly glances from Lori to Erica. Erica returns the look.
Jeffrey walks up and pats Lori on the back, "Don't worry, little lady. You're developing just fine."
Lori's face burns witht the color of pure lava, as she sinks to the ground and retracts herself into the comfort of the fetal position. Wheeler, who is also blushing extremely, remains standing with mouth agap. Silently, Paxton, Erica, Brittney, and Jeffrey return to their conversations.
"I'd hate to be you right now," Dirk looks down at Lori, "I mean...they'll probably like, vote you off for being so weird. I give you three episodes." Lori glares up at the man. Dirk looks over his shoulder, and sees a short young man running towards the group.
"Hiiiiii! Hi, there! Hey! I'm Antonio! You guys wanna see my action figures?" The young man's eyes light up, and his smile reveals a set of flashy braces.
"Um...sure," Lori smiles, trying to be polite to the strange young man.
"Oooh, no girl ever said yes to that," Antonio points to her, and then slicks his hair back, "Well, baby, this little guy is an official Spongemitch Squareknickers action figure. Direct from a box of Spongemitch Squarecakes," Antonio clicks his tongue, and raises a flirtatious eyebrow, "And this little guy," Antonio holds up a cheap plastic seastar, "Is a convention exclusive Yancy Seastar."
Lori tries to continue smiling, as she looks over her shoulder. Cautiously, the rest of the group has begun taking steps back. Looking past Lori, Antonio sees Erica and Brittney. Licking his lips, he charges his prey.
Wrapping his coils around the two lovely young women, Antonio strikes, "Well, helllllllo, nurse! Do you mind if I call you nurse?" Antonio addresses Erica, while smiling devilishly.
"Yes. Yes I do," the southern belle deploys her own counter attack, the fatal rejection. Erica picks Antonio's arm off her shoulder, and lets it drop in defeat. Not one to give easily, Antonio shifts tactics, and turns on the attractive nerdette, a prey more his speed.
"So," Antonio shrugs off Erica's rejection without missing a beat, "I see you like Space Skirmish. I happen to have all of the original series one figurine releases."
Brittney chuckles, and slips away from her less-than-seductive assailant, "You're quite fiesty, young jabberwocky, but you lack what we from Nabootoine refer to as, 'skill'."
Slithering away from another rejection, Antonio makes his way towards the males, "Hola, amigos! You dudes like Spongemitch Squareknickers?" Antonio tries his hardest to look 'cool', while holding up his action figures.
"Uh...are those...dolls?" Paxton remains calm, per usual, but adds a slightly awkward tone to his question. Scratching his head, he offers a small smile, "Sorry, bro...not my bag," Paxton leans in to Jeffrey and whispers, "Is it just me, or is this kid about as cool as Vanilla Ice?"
Jeffrey shrugs, and smiles at Antonio. He opens his mouth, and raises a single finger, "Your toys are really...you're really...I think you're...nope. I've...I've got nothing."
"Wow!" Antonio charges up, close into Paxton's face, "You look old! Are you a grown up? Do you have a job? Are you married?"
"Uh," Paxton slowly pushes the parasite away, "I'm seventeen and I'm not married."
"Doyahaveajob?" Antonio repeats, nearly at the speed of light.
"I've got a good job at the Dollar Store," Paxton rolls his head to the side, awkwardly looking for an escape from the conversation. Looking back, the hyperactive headache has disappeared.
"Whoa, where'd he go?" Wheeler looks around, searching for Antonio with a slight hint of fear.
"Boo!" Antonio pops out from behind Wheeler, causing the rotund rocker to scream out in fear, before falling face first into the sand, yet again. Antonio laughs obnoxiously, wiping a tear from his eye.
"Oh, man, you totally...didn't...see that...," The childish boy yawns, and falls down in the sand next to Wheeler. Behind him, an annoyed Brittney stands.
"Do you knock him out, like you knocked Jeffrey out?" Erica raises a perfectly plucked eyebrow.
"Indeed," Brittney cracks her knuckles while smiling triumphantly, "Once again, my plutonian sleeper pinch saves the day."
"That can't be good for his health, to be knocked out like that," Erica points out, before picking the sleeping Antonio out of the sand and resting him against a nearby tree, out of the sun.
"Careful about putting him too close to the jungle," Paxton warns, "Something could eat him while he's out." The teens all look at each other, nervously. No one moves.
"He'll be fine," Lori twiddles her thumbs, as the others nod. Jeffrey whistles, innocently. Lori scratches the back of her head, nervously, "So, Dirk...when's the next contestant gonna get here?"
"Funny you should ask, early out," Dirk smiles and points to an arriving boat, as Lori scowls at him. She mouths the words 'I hate you'. Dirk's eyes grow wide, "No! I will not date you! Sicko, I'm twice your age!"
"That's not what...oh, who cares?" Lori sighs, and slumps her shoulders in defeat.
"Didn't you hit on Brittney and me? And you're calling her a sicko?" Erica's face contorts into a formidable grimace as she shrinks away in disgust.
"What? I can't here you over the sound of that other contestant," Dirk shifts his eyes back and forth, as the next boat arrives. A slim, fairly attractive Asian girl front flips off the dingy, into the sand. Shaking a little, she curses.
"Crap...that dismount was crap," the Oriental gymnist frets.
"Hey," Dirk appears next to her, suddenly, "You must be Christina."
"Yes, but please, I prefer to be called Christy," the teen corrects, politely, "And you must be Dirk McGrath."
"Yeah...hey, how'd you know that?" Dirk's brow shifts, indicating confusion.
"Yeah, how did you know Chris wasn't hosting this season, my little cherry blossom?" Antonio pops out from behind a now bewildered Dirk.
"Well, for one...I actually read the contract I was given," Christy eyes Antonio suspiciously as the dorkish boy oogles her figure.
"Wow, you like, read that an' stuff? I just signed it. And, come to think of it...I only signed my first name. It was a miracle you people found the right 'Paxton'," Paxton yawns, and relaxes his body against a nearby palm tree.
"Am I the only one here who actually read their contract?" Christy looks across the blank and guilty faces of the other contestants. Sighing, she concludes, "Aww...I feel like such a tool."
"Speaking of tool," Dirk picks Antonio off his back and tosses him to the side, "It looks like Broderick is about to arrive."
"Don't you mean 'Broderick'?' Christy insists.
"No. No I don't," Dirk eyes Christy's figure in the same manner as Antonio. The disgruntled femlete promptly slaps the host.
Soon after a tall, heavily tanned young man with spiked hair struts towards them. His chest is partially visable, revealing a tattoo reading 'Iceman'. The young man earlier identified as Broderick cocks an eyebrow, "Yo, what up in here? Boy, you got some nice looking chicks here," Broderick pats Christy on the shoulder, "Is it just me, or is this sun scorching?"
"The sun is scorching, mister," Antonio finally rises from the sand, dusting himself off. He looking to the young women, he glares jealously at Broderick, "How did you hypnotize the girls into staring at you with such shallow lust? I've written to Santa about enticing chicks with shallow lust since eigth grade!"
"Cool story, bro" Broderick walks past the jealous dork, while Christy remains by his side, "No need to worry about the sun, ladies. The Iceman cometh," Broderick cocks his eyebrow again, and winks at Brittney and Erica, while walking past Lori without a second glance.
"What about me?" Lori asks, hopefully.
"What about you?" Broderick flexes his considerable chest muscles while Erica and Brittney giggle. Paxton, Wheeler, and Antonio all gather together and glare at the well trimmed tool. In the distance, Dirk also glares.
"Hey, wasn't there a big Jamaican guy, with dreads and a creepy smile? The Iceman could have swore he saw some Jamaican looking dude with dreads and a creepy smile," Broderick looks around, curiously.
"I can have dreads, if you want," Christy stares intently at Broderick chest muscles, which are still flexing.
"And I can be a big Jamaican looking dude with dreads, if you'd like!" Lori calls out, from behind the group. Everyone looks at her with utter confusion. Sighing, Lori resumes the fetal position.
"Here I am!" Jeffrey pokes his head between Christy and Broderick, awkwardly, "And might I say, you are one good looking dude! Way to be handsome, bro! I mean, you're even prettier than that guy!" Jeffrey points to Paxton, who scowl.
"Pfff," Paxton flips his hair, "Is not..."
Broderick pats Jeffrey on the head, "Thanks for the compliments, but The Iceman and his pecs don't play for that team."
"What team?" Jeffrey asks, confused.
"Ah...nevermind," Broderick smiles, and slowly pushes Jeffrey away, pulling Christy closer as he does so.
Antonio quickly fills Jeffrey's place, forcing his way between the two, "And who is The Iceman?"
"I, The Iceman, am The Iceman," Broderick pushes Antonio away as well, slightly more forcefully than with Jeffrey.
"I thought your name was Broderick?" Lori, the third in line, fills the space. Without a word, Broderick shoves her away as hard as he can.
"Now, who was that mortal who claimed to be prettier than The Iceman?" Broderick lets go of Christy, searching for his challenger. Spotting Wheeler, he hones in, "Was it you, bro?" Nervously, Wheeler bites his lip and flails his head 'no'. Broderick squints, and passes by him. Looking over Dirk, Jeffrey, and Antonio, he finally stops at Paxton. Smirking, Broderick raises his mighty nose in the air, "Soo...you claim to be prettier than Broderick 'The Iceman' Tanner?"
"'Cha," Paxton glares at the tanning enthusiast, "'Cha, bro," Paxton quickly adds emphasis to drive his point home.
"Ah...then there is only one way to settle this...a shirt off!" Broderick rips his shirt off with ease. Lori, Christy, and Brittney blush intensely. Erica smiles, approvingly.
"Oh, 'cha?" Paxton removes his plaid overshirt and rips his undershirt off, revealing his own tattoo. The tattoo is of a large playing card 'club'. As Paxton reveals his surprisingly toned stomach, Lori, Brittney, and Christy begin fanning themselves. Erica blushes, intensely.
"Whoa, not bad, not bad," Broderick nods his head in approval, as he takes a spare shirt out of his pocket, "Looks like this ends in a tie, for now...," Paxton smiles triumphantly, and takes a spare shirt out of his back pocket, as well.
"You guys just carry those in your pockets?" Christy asks, amazed.
"When you're challenged to as many 'shirt-offs' as we are, you learn to come prepared," Broderick explains as Paxton nods. Turning to Paxton, Broderick smiles, "I like you, kid. Come, help me enjoy my harem," Broderick pats Paxton on the shoulder, as the two boys walk off.
"Lucky duckies with their toned physiques and their harems," Antonio angrily crosses his arms.
"Excuse me, noble warriors of protein and testosterone, but the Feeling tells me that the next contestant is arriving," Brittney closes her eyes, and holds her fingers to her temples.
"What's with this one, is she a freakin' psychic or something?" Broderick's pecs flex, punctuating his question.
"Well," Christy rolls her eyes, "It probably helps that the boat is already here," Christy walks past a bewildered Broderick and over to Dirk, "Excuse me. You disgust me because you oogle us, but I need to ask you a question. Is there a confessional somewhere?"
"Yeah," Dirk nods.
"Well...," Christy waits, a little annoyed.
"Well...what?" Dirk looks confused.
"Where. Is. It?" Christy sighs, holds her head in her hands, and speaks slowly.
"Oh. Yeah. Well, I've decided that I'm going to wait until everyone has arrived before I reveal that. So...you can pass the time by doing figure eights in the sand, or something girls like to do," Dirk shrugs, and turns towards the next contestant, who is climbing off the boat.
An extremely irritated Christy raises a finger to say something, but turns and leaves without a word. The next contestant immediately runs up, right into her face.
"You...," the new arrival says, accusingly. Christy stares at the girl, who is short and plump, with wide, frantic eyes and a strange tinfoil hat.
"What?" Is all Christy can think to say. Backing away slowly, the plump arrival matches her step for step.
"You're OBVIOUSLY a vampire," an angry, accusing finger follows the word 'vampire', as the paranoid pumpkin of a girl prepares to strike.
"How would I be a vampire, when I'm out in broad daylight?" Christy, nervous, puts her hands up, in weak defense.
"Hmmm...well played, vampire...well played. This ain't over," the girl slinks away, eyeballing the others.
"This is Nora, everyone!" Dirk calls, from a few hundred yards away. The bevy of teens grimace. The girls and Jeffrey hide behind Broderick, while Antonio, Wheeler, and Paxton work feverishly to construct a barrier of sand.
"Don't worry, honies," Broderick smiles, "The Iceman has room for all...except you," Broderick looks down at Lori, and pushes her away, "Sorry, the icebox is full."
"But why does he get to stay?" Lori points at Jeffrey, who is cowering among the girls.
"Eh, I like his compliments," Broderick smiles, "Come on now, you know your place." Lori sighs, and uses her signature fetal position. Nora sprints over, leaping over the sadsack of Lori, and over to Broderick.
"You! I know you! So, we meet again...," Nora readies herself in a strange combat position, sizing up her supposed predator.
"Yeah, sorry babe, but I don't remember you. And, I'm sure I'd remember a face like that," Broderick shudders at Nora's large, crazed eyes.
"Don't play dumb with me, incubus! You and Bigfoot can't take over the world without getting past me, first! You know I'm The Chosen One...," Nora strikes over, missing horribly.
"Yeah? Well, there are some who call me...The Iceman," Broderick's chest muscles flex, "Oh, sorry. Sometimes they do that by themselves. It's almost as if they have a mind of their own."
"That or the three of you share one brain," Antonio whispers to his comrades, behind the pitiful wall of sand. Paxton giggles.
"Technically, they do," Wheeler whispers back. Antonio glares back with intensity.
"Okay, Nora, settle down. We're still got twelve more contestants to introduce. Settle down, ya'll. Here's our next contestant, a straight up gangster," Dirk ushers the young man over, as the others watch carefully, "This is Cooper."
"'Sup," The muscular, Latino boy calmly looks over his competition, "I hope we can all play nice."
"Even when he's trying to be peaceful, that guy scares the crap out of me...," Antonio whispers to Paxton and Wheeler, who nod in agreement and crouch lower behind the makeshift barrier.
Cooper's eyes open, slightly wider. He looks at the sand barrier, "You got something you wanna say to me, homes?" Paxton and Wheeler wimper, and toss Antonio over the barrier. Cooper picks Antonio up by his shirt, and sets him down on his feet. Crossing his arms, he says, "Well?"
"Please...I'm just a boy...Don't make me sleep with the fishes! I don't even like swimming pools!" Antonio drops back down to the ground, and shields his head with his Spongemitch and Yancy Seastar figures.
"Wrong gangsters, amigo. I ain't gonna hurt you, kid," Cooper walks past Antonio, and over to the sand barrier, "Get out of there, you're disgracing yourselves, yo." Wheeler and Paxton slowly rise, and Cooper offers a handshake, "Name's Cooper. Nice to meet ya'll."
"Paxton," the shakey slacker returns the handshake, sighing with a bit of relief.
Wheeler takes the handshake, as well, "Wheeler." After shaking hands, Cooper moves past them, to the huddled group of Broderick's harem plus Jeffrey.
"Dang, bro. I've seen smaller tools at a hardware store," Cooper looks at Broderick head to toe, unimpressed.
"Thanks, there, homester," Broderick smiles, and runs his hand through his small tuft of spiked hair.
"That wasn't a compliment," Cooper rolls his eyes, and turns away.
"Holy whoa," Broderick's arms fall from his hair and down to his sides, "What happened to your shoulder?"
"Knife fight," Cooper replies, without turning to face the tanned tool.
"Did...you win?" Christy looks nervously at the long, smooth scar.
"I'm here talking to you, aren't I?" Cooper shrugs, and jams his hands into his pockets, "I'd prefer not to talk about it."
"Okay, thats cool," Christy smiles, clearly disturbed. Quietly, she says to herself, "I'm not sure I want to know anymore..."
"New person," Dirk yawns, and tosses his thumb over his shoulder. Behind him, a tall girl with large, frizzy blonde hair walks towards the contestants.
"You're not very professional," Christy looks at Dirk, disappointed by his lack of hosting skills.
"Eh," Dirk shrugs. Christy sighs, and rolls her eyes.
"Wait!" Nora makes an amazing leap, completely clearing Dirk and landing smack-dab in front of Christy, "I've heard that sigh once before...in the deepest reaches of the Canadian jungle..."
"There aren't any jungles in Canada," Christy states, confused.
"That is exactly the thing I would expect to hear...from a vampire!" Nora grapples with Christy, putting her into a powerful headlock.
"We JUST went over this! Broad daylight! Me no vampire!" Christy breaks free, and stumbles away from the insane neurotic.
Nora thinks for a second and then replies, "...You win this round, she-demon...but I'll be back." Nora turns, and starts walking away, but keeps her eyes on Christy. Suddenly, she slams into Broderick chest, "Oh...Ouch. Hmm? What is this?" Nora squints at Broderick's tattoo, "Its so obvious! How could none of you see it! This man," Nora pokes Broderick's pectoral, "Is clearly a yeti! I mean, come on! He has it printed right there on his yeti chest!"
"Aren't yetis, like, hairy or something? I can't be a yeti, I wax daily," Broderick shrugs.
"Ew," Nora cringes, "But aha! Waxing, the perfect way to disguise your true yeti identity!"
"Oh, just shut up already," Antonio covers his ears, "I mean...even I don't want to date you, now."
"I'd never date a mutant naked mole rat," Nora glares at Antonio with pure disgust.
Paxton laughs quietly, and jabs Antonio with his elbow, "Hahaha... You need some ointment for that third degree burn?"
"Ointment wouldn't do much for a third degree burn," Wheeler states. Paxton stares at him, blankly.
The tall, frizzy-haired girl from before now stands at the head of the group, watching awkwardly. She raises her hand, and waves, "Um. Hi. My name is Katherine, and I'm the new contestant."
"Hi, Katherine," the other eleven contestants say, in unison. Nora adds under her breath, "You evil harpie."
Katherine looks over the group, "Wow. There are a lot of really cute guys here. And some really cute girls, too." Katherine smiles, but gets some odd looks from the crowd.
"Wha...what was that last part?" Erica asks, slightly confused.
"I said there are some really cute girls here," Katherine repeats, "Oh. I should probably mention that I'm bisexual."
"Gee, how'd we ever guess?" Broderick mocks her. Katherine, as well as the other girls, laugh with him. The males look at the sight, strangely.
"Why...why are they laughing at that?" Antonio scratches his head, unable to figure the situation out.
"He has the gift," Paxton nods, "In all my years of being beautiful, they've only told stories of 'the gift'. But, I've only seen it just now."
"Whose 'they'?" Antonio questions.
Paxton looks alarmed, "I...I've said too much...They're nobody, they don't exist. Who are you? I don't know you," Paxton looks side to side, and quickly walks away.
"Anyway, yeah," Katherine smiles, "I hope it doesn't bother anyone. If you're straight, I won't make any advances." Collectively, all of the other females raise their hands, indicating their heterosexuality. Katherine frowns, a little, "Guys it is."
"Excuse me, miss," an overly dramatic and somewhat deep voice booms from behind Katherine. She turns, and sees a muscular boy clad in a trenchcoat and tie. He is tall, buy only slightly taller than Katherine herself. He speaks again, "I...couldn't help but notice that your earring is missing."
"I don't wear earrings," Katherine replies, perplexed by the boy.
"Ah! And so, the plot thickens...," the boy takes a pencil that was strategically placed behind his ear, and begins writing on a small notepad that he takes from inside his coat.
"What are you writing, guy?" Katherine aks, trying to peak over the top of the notepad.
"Probably his incantation for stealing our souls," Nora nods, "Good thing I wore my tinfoil hat and not my steel helmet."
"Oh, this? Nothing, just notes and clues that I've observed since my arrival," the boy smiles, and continues writing. A camera angle from over the boy's shoulder reveals that he is doodling a picture of himself beating up crook.
"You don't look like a teenager, mister," Antonio walks up to the boy, impressed by his size.
"Neither do you, junior," the boy replies, "But I assure you, I'm only eighteen."
Dirk, yawning, walks between the boys, putting an arm around each, "I see you've met Hudson."
"Where have you been?" Erica asks, annoyed.
"I think I might have fallen asleep...I can't remember," Dirk shrugs, again. Most of the cast sighs or shakes their head in disappointment.
"We're all gonna die," Erica sighs, deeply. Paxton lays a reassuring hand on her shoulder, and smiles at her. Her eyes perk up, a bit, and her lips reverse their direction.
"Haha, I think it is kind of interesting that we have a gangster and a cop in the same cast," Antonio remarks, nervously. Hudson's eyebrows shoot up.
"What? A gangster? Fear not, noble citizens! For I, Hudson Tagawa, shall find the vagrant ne'er-do-well!" Hudson reaches into his large trenchcoat and produces a magnifying glass.
"Is this dude for real?" Antonio looks confused, as Hudson begins following tracks in the sand.
"He sure is determined! I like his spirit!" Jeffrey pats Antonio on the back, and then calls to Hudson, "Rock on, detective bro! Fight the good fight!"
"Heeeeey, when did we stop complimenting me?" Broderick's lower lip quivers, as he watches Hudson.
"No need to fear, noble citizens of Paradise Isle! I am mere seconds from deducing the identity of our culprit!" Hudson places his intrument back inside his coat, as he comes to Cooper.
"Can I help you with something?" Cooper turns his head towards the mislead detective.
Hudson eyes Cooper for a moment, "Hmm...facial scar, shaved head, imposing facial hair, tattoos, saggy pants...," Hudson squints, "Nope, nothing out of the ordinary here," Hudson nods in approval, and turns on Antonio, "YOU, however, seem out of place...pink shirt? Gang colors, I suspect...and those dolls...hiding any illegal substances within them, are you?"
Antonio begins to sweat, "No, occifer, I-I, mean, officer..."
"Oh, well in that case, you're free to go!" Hudson smiles, invitingly, and shouts to the heavens, "But I will find you, you gangster, you!"
As Hudson walks away, Antonio sighs with relief, "Phew...that was a close one...he almost found my secret stash of Flintrock Vitamins...," Antonio shifts his eyes, side to side.
"Excuuuuse meeee," a tall, pasty while girl with dark eyeliner and maroon colored hair saunters past the nerdling.
"Whoa. What a woman!" Antonio licks his hand, and slicks his hair back, "'Cuse me, darling, but this here is a toll beach."
"You don't say," the girl looks down at the boy, her says shaded by her own bangs.
"I do, indeed," Antonio clicks his tongue, "Whaddya say I let you go through, for, oh...one kiss? Tongue is optional."
The girl looks at Antonio for a second. Suddenly, a small but ominous smile curls on her lips, "Sounds faiiiir," the girl's voice is alluring, yet strangely dark, "But I must warn you," the gothic queen leans in and whispers into Antonio's awaiting ear, "I bite."
"Uh...that's okay, you can go through," Antonio laughs, nervously, and backs away slowly.
The mysterious girl seemingly floats between the other contestants, "How disappointiiiing."
"So, who are you, miss?" Erica asks, a wary look in her usually bright eyes.
"Robin," the gothic ghost hovers near the back of the crowd, "My name is Robiiin." Robin's voice carries through the crowd, chilling them like an icy wind. Some look nervously among themselves, others try to keep their composure.
"Where did Dirk go? He's suppose to be introducing these jokers," Christy looks around for the dreadfully unprofessional host, finally spotting what appears to be Dirk, asleep on the beach.
"Oh, just leave him there. Things will probably move faster if he isn't involved," Katherine sighs, "I can't believe our fate is in the hands of that lump."
"I'm all for moving things forward," Robin says, glaring through her bangs, "The sun...she burns."
"Because you're a VAMPIRE!" Nora calls out, from across the crowd.
Robin's face remains completely stoic, "Oh, darn," she snaps her long, whispy fingers, "You got me."
"I...I'm not sure what to say...," Nora sits down on the ground, and rests her hand on her fist. From her face, it is clear she is deep in concentration.
From over her shoulder, Christy asks, "Are you oka-,"
"Not now, gargoyle," Nora lifts her hand, "I'm thinking."
"Gargoyle? I thought I was a vampire?" Christy says, "Wait, not that I'm a vampire, I just...oh, screw it," the femlete sighs in frustration, and walks away.
"Uh, am I in the right place? The man driving the boat didn't speak a lot of English," a tall, impressively handsome young man steps up the beach, holding a map, "This is Paradise Isle, right?"
"Yes...yes it is," Katherine replies to the boy's question, mesmerized.
"Cool. So, it looks like I'm one of the last to arrive," the boy looks around, scanning the crowd through light brown eyes, "I was hoping to get here early."
"You may be one of the last, but you're certainly now least," Christy giggles to herself. The boy raises an eyebrow.
"Thanks, for that," the boy folds up his map, and places it in the pocket of his deep blue, stylish jacket. He looks around, and tries to manage a smile, "I'm Kirk, in case anyone was wondering."
"I don't recall anyone asking," Robin's eyes shine with indifference.
Kirk looks slightly surprised by this response. The other females glare at Robin and move in on her.
"How dare you be so rude to such a handsome boy," Katherine sneers at the goth.
"Yeah! Can't you see that Kirk is a gift from God?" Jeffrey, who is among the girls, hisses, "I like your skirt, though. You're working it, girl!"
"Whoa, whoa," Kirk breaks his way through the crowd of angry females and Jeffrey, "You all don't even know me, yet. Lay off the girl." Kirk stares down the crowd, and slowly, they back off.
"I...I just can't say no to those eyes," Christy shakes her head in disbelief.
Jeffrey nods, "I know what you mean, girl. They were like orbs of hypnotizing chocolate..."
Lori nods, "He kind of looks like that Brad guy, from those underwear ads in those magazines."
Christy and Jeffrey blink, and look at Lori oddly. Christy asks, "What underwear ads in what magazines?"
Blushing, Lori replies, "What? I don't know...I don't subscribe or anything...," Lori's eyes dart back and forth as Jeffrey and Christy glare at her, skeptically. Lori laughs, nervously, and runs away.
"So, are you okay?" Kirk turns to Robin, who looks unimpressed.
"I think I'll live," Robin's voice creaks, "You sure did stick your neck out for me, stepping between a hungry pack of girls and their prey."
Kirk frowns, "I think you're being sarcastic."
Robin's face changes for the first time since her arrival. With widened eyes, Robin gasps, "Moi? Sarcasm? I fear that word is foreign to me, Kurt."
"Kirk," the handsome young man corrects, "My name is Kirk. And I don't know what got me on your bad side, already. I was just trying to help."
"Please, spare me your self righteous speech," Robin shakes her head, "I know your type. You're Mr. Cool, popular, and you think that if you stand up for the little person once in awhile, it makes you a deeper person. Well, you can't pull one over on me, Kirk. This isn't exactly my first day on the farm."
Kirk's eyes soften, as a little bit of color drains from his face, "I...Am I correct in assuming I'm not going to be able to change your opinion, no matter how valid the arguement?"
Robin smiles an extremely faint, but proud smile, "Ding-ding. Ladies and gentlemen, we have ourselves a winner."
From within the crowd, Lori calls out, "You're darn right he's a winner!"
"Who was that?" Kirk turns around, swiftly. Lori quickly dives back down into the group of contestants. Kirk glares, a little, "I wish they would stop that."
"I'm sure," Robin begins walking away, leaving Kirk to his lonesome self. A frowning Kirk eventually begins walking away himself, in the opposite direction.
Watching carefully, Paxton turns to Broderick, "He's weakened now. We can defeat him with a Shirt-Off. Then all of the attention will be back on us."
"No," Broderick shakes his head, "The Gift is strong with this one. We cannot win...yet. Wait, I thought you had a girlfriend?"
"Oh, yeah...still, I like the attention...?" Paxton offers only a weak smile. Broderick eyes him suspiciously, but nods in acceptance.
Kirk sits down on a fallen tree, and sighs to himself. His eyes perk up, as a hand falls to rest on his shoulder. Looking up, he sees Erica, smiling.
"Look, I know that Robin girl was pretty rude to you...but cheer up! I'm sure you'll have no trouble making friends here," Erica smiles sweetly, and pats Kirk on the back.
Returning Erica's smile, Kirk replies, "Thanks. I hope I can make some friends, here...still, I don't know what I did to get that Robin girl mad at me, already. I didn't catch your name, by the way."
"Erica," the southern beauty sits down next to Kirk, and leans in a bit, "So, Kirk, tell me a little bit about yourself."
"Well, I...," Kirk begins, but a terribly annoying screech interrupts any secrets he may have shared.
"Heeeey, if you two are done making out, another new person is here," Antonio pops between the two.
Kirk sighs, but manages a smile, "Thanks, bro. Come on, why don't we all go meet the next arrival?"
"Now you're talking!" Antonio slides his hungry hand around Erica's waist. A fierce glare from Erica prompts him to drop whatever plan he may have had, regarding her waist.
"Yes. Let's go. But you walk on the other side of Kirk," Erica points, assertively. Antonio, limping with embarassment, obeys.
As they walk past Robin, she murmurs, "Already seducing the masses, I see. Veeeery impressive, Mr. Cool." Kirk winces a little, but Erica hurries him along.
"Excuse me, sir!" Hudson grabs Kirk's arm, and pulls him away from Antonio and Erica, "But there seems to be a gangster on the loose, and I need to ask you a few questions."
"You think I'm the gangster?" Kirk points to himself, curious.
Hudson laughs heartily, "Hahaha, no, no. Beautiful people like you and I don't commit crimes."
Kirk looks skeptic, "Uh huh, I see. Where did you hear that?"
Hudson chuckles, again, "Why, it's right here in the rules! Page three, paragraph six." The would-be detective hands Kirk a thick book.
"The Idiot's Guide to Detectiving. Is 'detectiving' a word?" Kirk asks, and Hudson shrugs, "Wait. It says 'Be wary, young detective. EVEN beautiful people can commit crimes.'"
"Oh," Hudson looks awkwardly to the side, for a few minutes. Finally, he says, "Uh...," taking the book back, he sprints away.
Erica, as well as Kirk and Antonio, look confused. Finally, Erica says, "Annnnnyway...," the southern beauty looks to her left and notices that the newest arrival is already being greeted by the other contestants, "Come on, you two."
"So, what's your name, sugar?" Broderick flexes his pecs especially hard for the newest female.
"Well," the girl, who appears quite sad, begins. Her sadness is hinted at by her heart locket, half of which is missing, "My name is Martina...and if it's alright with everyone...I don't want to talk, right now."
"Uh...yeah, that's cool, I guess," Broderick scratches his head, confused as to why the young lady rejected him. He watches curiously as Martina shufffles off by herself. Thinking for a second, Broderick pulls Hudson over, "Yo, my man. Do me a solid and smell me." Hudson, though obviously concerned, complies.
"Mmmm, coconut," Hudson smiles, pleasantly.
Broderick nods, "So it wasn't my smell...tell me, is it my hair? Is my tan fading? Do the pecs need more lotion? I thought they were looking a little dry...Wait, wait. You're a detective, aren't you?" Hudson nods, and Broderick continues, "Good. Find out why she shot me down." Saluting his employer, Hudson lumbers off.
"Hello...," a large, muscular boy taps Broderick on the shoulder.
"Hellooo-oly crap! You's a big son of a gun, aren't you, boy?" Broderick stumbles backwards, initially alarmed by the boy's great height and physique.
"Yeah...I'm six foot four," the boy laughs, slightly, "Tell me, was that introduction modest? I was going for modest, honestly. Kind of like, cute and innocent, too, I guess."
"Eh, it was okay. Could have used more explosions," Brittney shrugs, as she randomly walks by.
"So, who are you, big boy? I say 'big boy' in a literal way, not a flirty way, b-t-dubbs," Katherine asks, popping out from behind Broderick, "But...now that I think of it, you are one hot piece of-"
"As I was saying," the boy interrupts, "My name is Marvin Travolta, actor extraordinaire."
Katherine, Broderick, and the rest of the gang gasp, collectively. Katherine asks, "Like, John Travolta?"
"Indeed," Marvin nods his head, "My father is John Travolta."
"Like," Broderick shakes his head in disbelief, "The John Travolta?"
"Well...technically no. My father is the John Travolta of Travolta Car Washes Inc. I don't blame you though, it is a pretty common mistake," Marvin smiles. He looks around, scanning the faces of the other teens, "Was that humble? I was going for humble. Pleasant could work as well, I suppose."
"Eh, needed more zing, flash, pizazz," Katherine waves her hands, dramatically.
"Bada bing, I was just going to say that," Broderick strokes his fauxhawk affectionately, "Definitely could have had more pizazz."
Marvin frowns, "Ah, well. I've still got time to practice before shooting starts, I suppose."
"What is he talking about? We're being filmed right now," Cooper says, more or less to himself.
"I thought it was awesome, bro! You're the best, slugger! You don't need no practice, you got this, bro! You so got this!" Jeffrey pops from the crowd, and shakes Marvin's hand, wildly.
"Well, well!" Marvin smiles, arrogantly, "It's always nice to meet a fan of my work."
Broderick frowns, "The Iceman is curious, yo. What exactly have you acted in?"
Marvin laughs, nervously, "Well, you know...a couple plays, some musicals, a short film...," Marvin coughs, loudly. Under his breath, he says, "And that commerical with the stock trading baby. And, you know, this show."
Cooper smirks, "Hate to burst your bubble, son. This ain't a scripted show."
"What...what are you talking about? Of course it is...I had my lines written right here, on my arm!" Marvin turns his right arm, revealing a large smudge of ink. Marvin smacks his forehead, "Gah! It rubbed off on the side of my shirt..."
Most of the contestants laugh. Robin says, "So you like, signed up to this thinking it was an acting job? It looks like you picked the only reality show that isn't scripted. Oh, sweet irony."
Marvin sneers, "Oh. So, you mean to tell me that you aren't an actress?" Robin shakes her head, eyebrow raised. Marvin smiles, smugly, "Pity. I thought the only way someone would dress as poorly as you was if they were paid to."
"Hey," Kirk sticks his pointer finger out, defiant of Marvin's remark, "Watch it, Marvin."
"Or whaaaaat? You'll get your little girlfriend to beat me up?" Marvin shakes his head, "I suppose that wouldn't be as bad as finding out you signed up to a reality show that doesn't require acting."
"Hey, come on, no need to be mean," Antonio steps between the two boys, smiling.
Marvin growls, and pushes Antonio aside, "Out of my way, twig boy."
Kirk's face instantly contorts with anger. Cooper notices, and leaps at Kirk, restraining him. Kirk fights against Cooper's hold, "Let me go! Someone needs to teach this prick a lesson, Cooper..."
"Hey, I ain't disagreeing with you, homes," Cooper pulls Kirk away from the scoffing Marvin, "But that ain't the way it should go down, know what I'm saying?" Kirk sighs, and relaxes. Cooper releases him, "Trust me, hombre. He'll get his." Kirk nods, and walks off, again. Sitting down on the same fallen tree as before, Kirk stares off to the side.
"Way to run away, kid," Marvin laughs, "Ah, I would have smoked him. Right, guy who compliments me?" Marvin looks to Jeffrey for approval.
Jeffrey glares at Marvin, "You don't talk to Kirk that way." Marvin looks around, and sees that many of the others are glaring at him, as well.
"What?" Marvin shrugs, "Did that guy save a wayward kitten before I got here? What did he do?"
"He didn't do anything," Katherine states, "He's just...Kirk."
Cooper helps Antonio to his feet, "You alright, white boy?"
Antonio raises an eyebrow, "Um. Yeah. But, I'm half Hispanic."
Cooper looks surprised, "Straight up?" Antonio nods. Cooper shakes his hand, "That's what I'm talking about, homes. Anyway, if that third-rate estupido bothers you again," Cooper glances in Marvin's general direction, "Come find me." Antonio nods, and Cooper pats him on the back, before walking away.
A somewhat short, slightly overweight girl arrives on the island. Seeing that the other contestants haven't noticed her arrival, she silently begins walking off to the side. Before getting very far, she hears a voice calling for her.
"Excuse me, miss!" Hudson runs towards her, skidding to a stop mere inches before he would have plowed into the girl, "I'm trying to gather some information on that girl," Hudson points to Martina, who is standing alone, near the jungle, "But so far, she has been unresponsive to my questions. Might I bother you for your help in my endeavor?"
The girl shakes her head, quickly. Hudson frowns, "Oh? So, you would obstruct justice instead of aiding it?" The girls shakes her head again, more frantic than before. Hudson squints at her, "Tell me, my short and squat friend, what is your name?"
"Uh," the girl begins, "My n-n-n-name is Bar-Bar...," the girl seems to be struggling through the word, her face blushes, slightly.
"Bar, eh? Not a conventional name, but I digress," Hudson takes his notepad from his trench coat, and begins writing.
"Barbara," the girl says, "My name is Barbara."
"Ah," Hudson nods, "That sounds more like a name, to me. Come! Let us introduce you to the other contestants, before I draft your aid!" The girl shakes her head, but Hudson lifts her up onto his shoulders, "Onward, to adventure!" Hudson jogs up the beach towards the group of awaiting contestants. Some have noticed the pair approaching, and greet them with strange looks.
"Ahoy, peers! Have you met Barbara?" Hudson lifts Barbara off of his shouders and sets her down, single handedly, despite being only a little bit larger than her, himself. Turning to the others, he says, "Be nice to her. The poor dear is so nervous that she trips over her own name." Barbara blushes, and wipes sand from her pant legs.
"Fierce glasses, honey," Jeffrey places on hand on Barbara's shoulder, "I like how you work that blouse. Work it, girlfriend. Work it overtime!"
Barbara blushes, "Um. Thank you, sir."
"Welcome to dysfunctional junction," Robin comments from the back of the group.
Jeffrey laughs at Robin's comment, "Hahaha! Oh, you." Robin rolls her eyes, and curls her bottom lip.
Hudson shifts his eyes, side to side, "You stay here and get to know everyone...I'll go back to detectizing that Martina girl...," Hudson slinks away, notepad in hand. Barbara looks both confused, and generally concerned.
Dirk McGrath, covered and sand and considerable sunburnt, walks up to the grab-bag collection of teenagers, "Yo, peeps. Looks like a few more of you have arrived, since I took my mandatory union break."
"Yeah, try like, nine," Christy rolls her eyes. Brushing the sand off of the host, she goes on, "C'mon, Dirk. If you're going to be our host, act like it. How did you get this job, anyway?"
"I won it in a card game," Dirk shrugs, as he aids the femlete in dusting sand away.
"Figures," Paxton sneers, "Even that guy can win a card game."
"Moving on, this season's token bad boy should be arriving soon. His name is Judd. And get this-the guy is totally British. So, he'll probably say some really weird, funny made up words, and stuff," Dirk smiles, anticipating the contestants to do the same.
"Wow," Barbara says, "That was really in-in-in...insensitive," the full figured gal blushes, as she finishes her sentence.
"Husky girl is right," Antonio says, "That was mad wack, yo," the excitable dork looks to Cooper, who shakes his head. Antonio nods, "I mean, Barbara was correct. That was not appropriate, Mr. McGrath." Cooper pats the smaller boy on the back, approvingly.
"Oi, you wouldn't be talking about me now, would ya, mate?" a tall, gruesome looking boy grabs Dirk's arm and spins him around, "I don't take kindly to no bollocks about me 'omeland."
"Uh, no, dude. I was just talking...about that other...Britain," Dirk backs away, slowly.
"Right on ya," Judd walks past the host, and towards the other contestants, "So where is the bloody host, already?"
Broderick looks confused, "Uh, the host was the guy you just assaulted."
Judd's eyebrows raise, "Is that so?" Judd turns to Dirk, who is now cringing behind Katherine, "Sorry for the scare, mate. Me head is a little silly from that bloody boatride and...who are you?" Judd smiles at Katherine, who blushes.
"My name is Katherine," the frizzy haired female continues blushes, as Judd takes her hand, and kisses it. Looking down, Katherine jumps back, "What happened to your finger?"
"Oh, that little baby?" Judd holds his hand up in the air, allowing everyone present to take notice of the missing digit, "Lost that little rotter in an alley fight, I did. Bloody fun, it was, it was."
"I didn't hear anything fun," Cooper scowls, "I'd say it was a shame, fool."
Judd smiles, and shakes his head, "Hehehe, is that so, mate?"
"I ain't ya mate, homeboy," Cooper crosses his arms.
Judd smiles, deviously, "And I ain't your homeboy, mate."
Cooper nods, "Regardless, I don't think you're setting a very good example. Violence isn't something to be promoted, you feel me, homes?"
"And I suppose you got them scars from peace rally, then?" Judd taps Cooper's shoulder.
"That isn't really your business, Judd," Cooper grasps the punk's wrist, firmly, and slowly moves it away from his shoulder scar.
"Suit ya'self, then," Judd shrugs, and walks backwards towards Katherine, keeping his eyes on Cooper, "Now where were we, my lovely little bird?"
"Pfff, how mainstream," an oddly dressed girl says, from beside Cooper, "Minus ten, bro."
"What? Who are you? Why are you standing next to me?" Cooper steps back, surprised by the girl's presences.
"Paranoia? Top shelf. Plus six," the girl nods, in approval. The furry cap that she wears begins to tip forward, further obscuring her already well hidden forehead. Tipping it back and adjusting her glasses, she says, "My name, or whatever, is Diamond. I'm on a show, or whatever. I'm totally not commited to it, though. Noncommitment reality shows are toats bombshell."
"Were...those words?" Katherine asks, while hanging onto Judd's arm. The punk shrugs.
Diamond sizes up the punk, "Fish hook through the lip? So mainstream. The missing finger is a pretty slamming accessory, though."
"How can it be an accessory if it isn't there?" Erica asks.
"Like, OMGod, it's an abstract accessory. But you've probably never heard of that," Diamond flips her hair off of her shoulder. Erica scowls, and folds her arms.
"Nice hat," Jeffrey pops out, as he had been known to do, "It's pretty sweet, I must say. I have one just like it!" Diamond immediately removes the hat, tosses it to the ground, and spits on it. Jeffrey continues, "Except mine is green with cyan stripes," Jeffrey adds. Diamond smiles, picks the hat up and places it firmly on her head.
"Not going to clean the sand or spit off it, are you?" Wheeler asks, slightly grossed out.
"Pfff. The sand and spit are like, toats metaphoricfor the inequal spread of wealth in the Western world. But, I wouldn't expect a mainstreamer like you to know that," Diamond laughs to herself, quietly, "Well played, Diamond. Plus seventy-seven."
"Okay, you guys got me," Marvin smiles, wide, "I know you were pulling my leg. This has to be a scripted show, because there is no way someone as annoying as her actually exists. Oh, boy. You guys got me, good."
"Uh...sure," Robin's voice drones, "You sure caught us."
"Duped by mainstreamers? Minus twelve, garcon," Diamond shakes her head with disapproval.
"Um...Hi, everyone," a fairly tall, shy looking boy who is dressed in considerably nice clothes, pokes between the teens, "This is the island for Pacific Island, I hope."
"Ah, welcome to the show, Sawyer," Dirk pats the boy on the back. Sawyer smiles, revealing a gap between his front teeth, "Sawyer, here, is this season's Richie Rich."
"'Ello easy target," Judd chuckles to himself. Sawyer looks nervous for a split second, but quickly regains his composure.
"Ah, Sawyer may be rich, but he's not playing for himself. No, no, Sawyer has chosen to donate the money to charity, should he win," Dirk adds, causing the once laughing punk to frown.
"Aww, that's so sweet, Sawyer, is it?" Brittney says, "I hope you're donation is going to a worthy cause. The Stormsoldier Retirement Fund comes to mind, personally."
"Ah, I'm sure that is a noble organization," Sawyer smiles, "But I'm playing for one of my personal favorites...the Rupert Dawg Foundation For Homeless Rascals."
"Oh, man. Who writes your lines?" Marvin shakes his head, and lays a hand on Sawyer's shoulder, "Because I would fire them. With hair like that, you could play much better characters."
"I...I beg your pardon?" Sawyer looks at the taller boy, rightly confused.
Marvin rolls his eyes, "You call that a delivery? Put some emotion into it, boy. And what is with that gap? You're pushing innocent waaaay too hard, boy. I'm make an appointment to have that hole filled in."
"I'm eighteen, stop calling me 'boy'," Sawyer says, trying not to look overly angry, "And I happen to like my gap."
"Whatever you say," Marvin shrugs, and begins walking away, "But with that attitude, you'll never be a leading man. Enjoy playing bit characters for the rest of your career."
"Who was that increasingly aggravating young man?" Sawyer looks to the other contestants. The anger has fled from his face, replaced by a naive shyness.
"Marvin," Cooper says with annoyance, "The idiot thinks this is a scripted show."
"How...," Marvin holds his chin as he searches for the correct word, "Interesting."
"Straight up. Anyway, nice to meet you. I'm Cooper," the gangster youth extends a friendly hand, which Sawyer takes.
"You know what I think?" a sensual, slightly accented voice blows through the boys like a cool breeze.
"Who are you? And how do you people keep arriving without anyone noticing?" Dirk McGrath, rattled by the strange voice, flips through what is left of his notecards, "Let me see...Paxton, Lori, Antonio...Kirk, Martina, Marvin...Judd, Diamond, Sawyer...You must be Meredith, our resident sassy chick."
"I don't like your tone," Meredith snaps her fingers, "But yes, Meredith is me."
"I am Meredith," Lori corrects, smiling at the last contestant.
"Are you saying I'm estupida, amiga?" Meredith folds her arms, looking quite intimidating. Lori maintains a smile, but quickly shrinks back in fear.
Quivering, Lori replies, "No...I was just...Don't hurt me! I am but a girl!" Meredith rolls her eyes, and walks past the lump of cowering Lori.
"As I was saying, I'm Meredith. And as I was saying before that, I think that big blonde jerk needs a serious reality check," Meredith raises a sassy eyebrow, sassily. As he is prone to do, Jeffrey bolts up to the attractive female.
"I like your rose! You're really bea-," Jeffrey begins his ritualistic suck-up, but finger dripping with sass taps his lips, stopping him. Meredith smiles.
"You're very kind, sir, but I do not need a man to tell me how I look," Meredith removes her finger, and turns away. Jeffrey blushes, and sinks back into the group. Kirk, walking with a still sullen Martina and an extremely stressed looking Hudson, returns to the group.
"Not one thing! I couldn't find out one thing about that girl!" Hudson weeps, openly. Kirk, concerned, steps a few feet away.
Patting Jeffrey on the back, Kirk asks, "Hey, what did we miss?" Jeffrey sighs, but does not answer him. Dirk forces himself between the two.
"Why, you missed the arrival of our final contestant! And now it is time to end the episode! I think?" Dirk double checks his notes, "Yep, I was right."
"What? But we haven't even picked the teams," Meredith complains, her eyes blazing with annoyance.
"True, but we did go seventeen minutes over schedule, so we'll have to say that for next episode. Anyway, join us next time for the dramatic first challenge and the selection of teams! Only here, on Total...Drama...Pacific Island!" Dirk calls out the last lines of the episode triumphantly, before dropping his script to the ground and walking off.
Picking up the discarded script, Marvin notes, "This all seems very abrupt."
The camera cuts out.
