Title: This Disillusioned Life

Summary: Two years after leaving Bristol for uni Naomi is back for the summer. Emily's gone and Freddie's dead. Everything's different, including Katie.

Disclaimer:I don't own Skins or anything associated with the show.

Rating:M

A/N:Told from Naomi's POV.

What the fuck am I doing here? Not just in this squalid overcrowded club with its shit nineties dance music, but back here. In Bristol. I've only been back home a few hours and already I can feel the drudgery of this city soaking through my skin like a poison; slowly seeping inside of me, tainting me from the inside out. I don't want to sound like some fucking cliché, or even worse my mother, but I'd like to think the last two years I've spent away at university have helped me to grow as a person. I'm not the fucked up kid I was in college; or at least in London I can pretend I'm not.

It's easy to pretend to be someone else at Goldsmiths, where no one knows me or my sins. Being back in Bristol is like a hard slap to the face from reality. It's like time stood still here and nothing has changed. Like no matter how much I try to change the city won't let me, it holds us all in its grip, refusing to let the past die.

Cook cackles like a madman as he pops another pill and starts raving like a lunatic. He's been out of prison for only six months and from all accounts he's lived each day of his new found freedom like it was to be his last. Fucking, drinking, popping pills; the boy is like a walking time capsule. On the surface he hasn't changed.

I see through his act though. I see the heavy set of his brow, the emptiness in his gaze when he thinks no one is watching. His eyes are dark pools as he broods on his failure to kill John Foster. Don't get me wrong, he had a good try, came damn close to beating the snivelling worm to a pulp; but Foster had survived, and unlike Cook he would never have another day of freedom in his life. Just like Freddie wouldn't either.

I close my eyes and try to keep those dark melancholic thoughts at bay. Freddie's death had changed us all. Our gang of misfits had slowly broken apart after the news of his demise, like it had been the excuse we all needed to go our separate ways. I ran away to the anonymity of Goldsmiths, indulged in the sanctuary of being far away from Bristol and every fucked up decision I'd ever made. I even toyed with the idea of not coming back at all. It had been easy the first summer to just not come home, but with Cook getting out of prison and my mum complaining about never seeing me I didn't have any choice this summer. It would have been so easy to stay in London, with my friends who don't all hate each other, with people who don't look at me and see a fucked up kid who gave a suicidal girl drugs; or broke the heart of another.

God I fucking hate Bristol and I hate this club. I feel bile rising in my throat as I push my way through the crowd of people on the dance floor, not knowing what to expect as I go in search of the others. I know JJ's with Cook and Panda and Thomas aren't flying back from the states until tomorrow, other than that I'm not sure who I'm going to find out tonight.

My stomach drops as I spot the one person I really don't want to have to face. It's been years since we last spoke and I must have replayed the conversation in my head at least ten thousand times. We tried to make it work. We really did; but there's only so many times you can have the girl who's supposed to love you look at you like you're a fuck up. I was, but she was never supposed to see that. Her wide chocolate coloured eyes that had always looked at me with such wonderment had looked so dead and disillusioned as she'd told me it was over. She couldn't keep fighting for us anymore. We were a childhood dream that had died long before we had given up. Of course that didn't make it hurt any less.

I've been with girls from uni, had the odd date here and there, even got laid a few times, but nothing really serious. I just can't do it. My head hasn't been in the right place for a relationship for a long time.

She hasn't spotted me yet and she carries on dancing with some blonde girl with big tits and no waist. She laughs and pushes the other girl away as her hands try to get a little too fresh. The stab of jealousy that runs through me is like a hot iron poker and it's ridiculous how easily she can make me feel like a messed up hormonal sixteen year old kid again. All this before we've even shared a word.

Fuck I knew it would be hard to see her again but this is ridiculous. She looks good. More than good. She's more stunning than I remember as she dances recklessly with anyone and everyone around her. It's almost painful to watch as it's a reminder of how she was towards the end; when we'd go out and she'd be all over Mandy or some other bimbo, trying to make me jealous. Trying to make me hurt just as much as she did.

Her hair hangs in loose curls around her face as she shoots the blond a coy smile and starts dancing with some random beside her. Her hair is a deep chocolate colour that is a stark contrast to the vibrant red it used to be, but she makes it work. Her frame is still small and petite, though her curves seem a little more filled out and I find my tongue darting out against my lips as I try not to remember the feeling of her body pressed against mine, the sound of her breathing deep and ragged against my ear, her nails digging in to my back...

Fuck. I can't do this. I just can't. I turn to make my escape and find myself bumping smack in to Cook. He blocks my escape and ushers me forward straight towards Emily. He's off his tits on god knows what and seems to think it's a good idea to push me straight in to her. Her arms reach out to break my fall as I stumble and she laughs good naturedly, thinking Cook is trying to hook her up with some random. I'm not exactly sober myself, but I'm nowhere near drunk enough to deal with Emily touching me. I'm drunk on memories of a time when we were happy and all I want to do is take hold of her and kiss her soft full lips until she forgets about the last two years and just kisses me back. I want to hear my name tremble on her lips as she gasps for air. I want...

I want the world to swallow me up as dark chocolate eyes glare back at me. She realises who it is at just about the same time I come to a startling realisation of my own. The girl I've just been shamelessly perving over is not Emily at all. It's Katie. I've just been a heartbeat away from trying to kiss Katie fucking Fitch.

"What the fuck is she doing here?" Katie shouts over the roar of the music. When she opens her mouth her soft lisp is a clear difference to Emily's gravelly husk. I know it's been two years but I can't believe I mixed them up. That's never happened before. Not once. Even when the twins played their little switcheroo trick at college if one of them was hungover, or more like when Katie wanted to pass a test, I had never been fooled by it.

I feel a tightening in my chest. Katie continues to glare at me as Cook tells her I'm home for the summer. She looks less than impressed with my presence and it's not like I could blame her. I hurt her twin sister and as self-conceited as Katie Fitch is she's also fiercely loyal. I was lucky to walk out of Bristol with both my legs once Katie found out I had cheated on her sister.

"Easy Katie-kins!" Cook hollers as he drapes an arm around us both. We fight him off at the same time. "Make love not war, yeah?" Once again my thoughts return to sex with Emily, and somehow my drunken mind twists Katie in there too and the tightness in my chest grows even heavier. It's too hot and crowded in this place for me to catch my breath and the wrath of Katie Fitch isn't helping. I have to get away from her. Breaking away from them I fight my way to the bar. It doesn't take me long to get the attention of the blonde behind the bar. I flash her a smile and lean a little further over the bar than I need to as I order a drink. Her eyes are on my chest the whole time and as she hands over my drink she waves off my money.

I turn around and find Katie shaking her head. I'm getting really sick of her looking down her nose at me. A few more drinks and I'll probably tell her that. I can't help but smirk at the thought of a good old fashioned argument with Katie. Really, nothing ever changes in Bristol. I've been back five minutes and it's like I never left. This could be any other night out we've been on, any one at all. Cook's pissed and hitting on anything with a pulse, JJ's following him like a shadow, Katie's being a bitch and I'm…

Well I'm in a foul mood and thinking about Emily. So yeah, any other night out all. God I fucking hate this city. If I hadn't promised mum and Cook I'd stay until the start of term I'd pack my bags tonight and fuck off back to London; but I've let far too many people down over the years so it looks like I'm just going to have to knuckle down and put up with this shit hole for the next six weeks.

Just getting through this night is going to be hard enough though so I make several trips back to the blonde at the bar. She's very liberal with her shots and even makes me some strange cocktail concoctions that would pickle the liver of any hardened drinker. As the night wears on and the drink flows Katie seems to mellow out a bit too. She dances with Cook and teases him as she grabs JJ and starts grinding herself against him. Same old Katie. JJ for the most part doesn't seem to have a clue what to do and so stands there just looking at her like she's a particularly hard Sudoku puzzle. The poor boy wouldn't have a clue what to do with a woman if she came complete with an instruction manual.

I'm dancing with Cook, slapping his hands away as they slip too low to my arse, when someone tugs at my hand and pulls me away from him. Katie's arms slip around my waist as she starts dancing up against me. It's a show for the guys around us. I know it is, just like I know it's Katie's arms around my waist and not Emily's. Except when I close my eyes it could almost be real. It could be Emily with her hands on my hips and her body pressed flushed against mine. Her lips at my ear. But once again the voice and the words are wrong and my little fantasy is broken.
"Are you gonna get us a drink from bimbo barmaid or what?" She snaps and it comes out as an order.

I roll my eyes but for once I don't fight back, I simply do as I'm told and head to the bar. The blonde, she told me her name hours ago but I couldn't for the life of me recall what it is, is once again more than happy to serve me, opting to ignore people who have been waiting longer than I have. She looks a little disappointed when I ask for two drinks and downright hostile when Katie slides up beside me. I almost jump as her arm slips around my waist and her other hand finds my cheek as she puts her lips to my ear. It takes everything I have no to shudder as her lips brush against my lobe. Everything about her is so familiar, yet achingly different at the same time. I open my mouth to ask her what the fuck she thinks she's doing, but as hard as I try I can't get the words passed my lips. The barmaid glares at me as she snatches my money out of my hand. "Cock blocked." Katie giggles in my ear before she takes one of the brightly coloured cocktails and disappears.

I stand at the bar; my breath coming in short gasps as the world around me swims in and out of focus. I've drank far too much and I'm pretty sure the pill Cook slipped me earlier was MDMA. That's got to be it. It's the alcohol and the drugs coursing through my system, blurring my senses and dulling my mind. That's the reason I'm thinking about following Katie Fitch and kissing her until she's gasping for air. I think about fucking the barmaid, just for something to take my mind off Katie; or more accurately Emily. That's what this is all about. It's nothing to do with Katie whatsoever.

The blonde wants nothing to do with me though; Katie's done a very good job of making sure of that. I give up any ideas of trying to get anywhere with her and make my way back over to Cook and the others. I do my best to ignore the oldest Fitch, but every time I catch her out of the corner of my eye, for just the briefest moment, I think it's Emily and the tightness in my chest increases just that little bit more. It's a miracle I'm still breathing when the four of us stumble out of the club in the early hours of the morning.

JJ, as the only sober one, is carrying Cook as we stumble in search of a taxi. I'm a little steadier on my feet than Cook, but not much. Katie grumbles about her heels as she struggles over some cobbles. "Christ sake." I mutter as she slips and almost falls flat on her arse. I catch her before she can do any damage.

"Fuck you doing?" She snaps at me as I pull her shoes off. She tries to push me away but ends up nearly falling over again for her trouble. I catch her wrist and hold her steady as I slip my Converse off my feet. I'm not doing this for her benefit; I just want to get to the taxi rank as quickly as we can. My shoes are a good size bigger so I have to tie them tight to keep them on her feet. She starts giggling like crazy as I kneel down to do the laces up.
"Fuck me Naoms, you're fashion sense hasn't got any better has it?" I stiffen at the use of my nickname. It sounds wrong coming from her lips.

I don't say anything as I stand up and storm ahead to catch the others up. I'm thankful it's early July and the ground is bone dry. We haven't had any rain in weeks so I don't have to worry about getting soggy feet as I plod along in my socks.
"Wait then!" Katie whines as she struggles to keep up with the pace I'm setting. I slow down a little, just to light the cigarette between my lips, and she catches up to me. The rush of nicotine and the smoke in my lungs are a welcome distraction, along with the night air they seem to wake me up a little bit, sharpen up my senses. I offer Katie a cigarette but she shakes her head. I forgot she doesn't smoke. The pack goes back in to the pocket of my jacket.

For all it's summer the night is still cold and I'm glad I had the sense to pick up my denim jacket on the way out the door tonight. Katie didn't have the same good sense and is shivering in only the short dress she's wearing as we soldier on to find a ride home. I'm at least wearing a t-shirt and skinny jeans which are a bit warmer. Her chattering teeth are grating on my last nerve and that's the only reason I pull off my jacket and hand it over to her. She just stops and stares at it like I'm handing over a live rattlesnake. "Fuck sake." I roll my eyes as I step forward and drape the jacket over her shoulders. It takes a moment but she finally slips her arms in to it and zips it up.

"Thank you." Her voice is much quieter than usual, but I hear her muttered thanks all the same. We walk in silence after that as we catch up to the boys. Cook's managed to find us a taxi.

He jumps in the front and I'm sandwiched in the back with JJ and Katie. Katie's dress rides up as she takes the seat by the door, revealing yet more soft tanned flesh. My mouth feels as dry as a bone and I avert my gaze to something safer. Her thigh is still pressed in to mine though and I can't get away from that as easily. Mercifully Katie's apartment is the closest. The second she's out of the taxi I scoot over to the door and roll down the window, basking in the cool breeze as it berates my face and sobers me up enough to know that checking out Katie's anything is a bad idea.

We pull up at my mum's house next and I dig around in my jeans and come out with a tenner to give to JJ towards the fare. I stumble out of the car and up the garden path. I find my house key in the same pocket as my money and open the front door as quietly as I can. It's weird being back home after living away for so long. It's been a while since I've had to sneak in to the house in the dead of night. I skilfully manoeuvre my way up the stairs to my room. I could really do with a shower. I went more or less straight out after dropping my bags off in my room. I think mum and Kieran would be pissed at me running the shower this late, or early; either way I give up on the notion and strip for bed.

It's been a long day and all I want is to crawl under the covers and sleep for a week. I'm already starting to come down from the pills and my head is throbbing. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have the hangover from hell tomorrow and not even the pint of water I manage to force myself to drink is going to help. I'm utterly exhausted but even as I curl up under the covers my mind refuses to shut down.

I close my eyes and all I can see is red. I feel tears welling up in my eyes and hate myself for it. It's been ages since I last cried over me and Emily. It's ancient history; or it should be. Tonight, being back here in Bristol, seeing Katie, it's brought it all up again. My inebriated mind is racing with thoughts of Emily and somewhere along the line Katie gets blurred in there too. I fall asleep thinking of chocolate coloured eyes glaring in to my very soul; and I'm not quite sure who they belong to.

So this is a first for me, I've never tried my hand at Naomi/Katie before so I thought I'd give it a try and see how it goes. Also I don't often write in the first person, but it hopefully flows ok. I have three other fics on the go at the moment (and that's just for Skins) so it may be a while before I update.