So here we have another Hakuouki fanfiction.
Somehow this started out as angst and ended up as a HijikataxChizuru piece. Sorry if you don't like that pairing. Since I haven't played the game it's the only one I can see happening OTL.
But if you don't like HijikataxChizuru, then this is probably not the story for you. Unless you want to just read the beginning for the angsty Hijikata~
Was written after I watched episode 21. There's really not any spoilers, as long as you've played the game's Hijikata route or watched at least part of the second season.
I know I'm weak.
Everyone sees my outside shell; they don't see the real me. They take a single glance and judge me as someone else. They think I'm amazing. They refer to me as that "amazing military commander" and the one "with the strength and willpower of a demon."
Am I really that wonderful Hijikata Toshizou they speak of?
No. No. I don't think so.
I'm weak. I let silent tears fall when no one's looking, and I pound out my frustration like a wild animal until my fist is stained an ugly red. I pretend to understand everything the others say, but secretly at night I research battle plans and learn all of those new Western words and battle techniques that I didn't need to know back then. Back when I was the vice lieutenant of the Shinsengumi, and I could fight my battle based on swordsmanship and courage. But it's all different now. I have to know everything now, and a battle based on courage no longer exists.
I put on that strong mask when I'm facing a crowd or in a fight, and I let it crumble to nothing when I'm alone. What would they say if they ever saw the supposedly strong Vice Commissioner Hijikata become as weak as a newborn during a sudden blood thirst? What if they found out that the strong Hijikata they were seeing didn't exist in reality? How would they react to it?
I don't even want to find out myself. I don't want to see that anger, that sadness, that disappointment.
But you, you make it just so hard, just sodamnhard to keep that straight face and posture. You know all of my loopholes and lies; you extend your hand when I fall down and you know how to make everything better. That false mask I have on every time someone sees me falls away when I'm alone with you. I can fall to pieces in front of you, and I know that you will always somehow be able to catch me and put me back together.
I can't live without you in my life.
I love you. I won't tell it to you in those words; they will not tell my full feelings. I love you more than those three simple syllables can ever convey. Your hair, your voice, the tea that you make, your gentle smile-all of it I love. And what I love the most about you is your persistence. You don't let anything problematic slip past you, and you always find a solution to it. You are the strongest Edo woman I have ever met, and I know I can rely on you for the days to come.
I'm weak. It's true, and I know it. But with you next to me, I'm sure I can become strong.
*When I said the "three simple syllables" in the second-to-last paragraph, I guess it could go both ways-in English and Japanese. But because they're obviously Japanese, I meant it in the Japanese way of saying "I love you"-"Aishiteru". I'm not Japanese, so I'm sorry if I messed it up. "Suki" (also means love) seemed too informal for something like Hijikata's feelings XD
*In 1868 the Republic of Ezo was established. Hijikata was elected to become the Vice Commissioner/Assistant Army Minister/Something along the lines of that. Quick history lesson for those that were wondering~
and yes, I do watch Hakuouki for the history half of the time.
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