Revolutionary--
Dispair...
Hate...
Lonliness...
These are the only three emotions you possess once turning into a creature of the night. A blood-sucker. A murderous leech. A monster... a creature that falls into the pits of dispair; one that is has escaped death at a cost heavier than any other. But mostly, one that is so lonley it's absolutley pitiful. Your eternal life seems to become a dreadful curse that you can't rid. Your new body can't be distroyed easily; you've given a life that is incurable... the road to suicide is no longer an option. As if all that isn't enough, you are forced to hunt. Hunt to stay alive; you must kill all emotions you possesed as a human and suck god's gift to human kind. Blood.
And then you loathe yourself more; you despise, detest your mere existance for the purpose that your not even alive. You can't love, cry tears, have happiness, be truley human. Because what you are, you are, and you can't change it. You can blame people... I used to blame my parents, my friends, my fate and destiny... but what it all comes down to is me. Who else is there to blame? No one. Because I am the monster; the grudingly beautiful, blood-thirsty thing that is rumored to live in coffins and despise the sun, thriving only blood. We are those rumored to be evil. And it isn't the least bit hard to believe this is the truth.
The things I have seen, all the blood spilt before me has become a red, livid blur in the past. I have seen friends, family, accanintences, all of them, die before my very eyes. It is one thing to be unable to do anything about it. And it is a completley different thing to let them die before your eyes. But no. Being completley able and watching... that's how it was for me.
For all of the things I've seen, the things I've done, I'd like to blame every single last thing on destiny or fate. Or both. But I can't. Because I stopped believing in both long ago... after all, we chose what will happen with our decisions, poor or good. A little white lie, a joke gone wrong, a stupid prank, any of these things can change your life for the better or the worse. And for me, it's always been for the worse. I don't know how long I have been cursed with this horrible life. I might have still been a human when it happened. I don't remember. All my memories are just a bloody blur in the far out distance.
I often wish to know of death. When does death become? What is death. Does it exist at all... or is it just a feint. Do all become a horrible creature such as my kind once death comes upon them, or does the heaven and hell exist. Does god even exist. If he does, he is probably more sadistic as some of my kind. After all... he made vampires and mythical creatures up, he made his precious human kind die at some point, he bestowed horrible 'fates' on the best of people. So I think it's better just believe that god isn't real. Which just makes me more loathed. By myself and others.
I am a vampire. I am Isabella Swan.
