Hey, I decided to post the chapters in Acts so there will be less chapters but they will be much longer. Thanks to everyone who reviewed!
Enjoy. R&R.=)
Romeo & Juliet
Spoof
Prologue
Enter Chorus.
Pause.
Sorry, the guy that plays the Chorus got really pissed last night and can't be here for tonight's performance. Soz.
Act One
Scene One
SAMPSON;I ain't takin' no shit from the Montagues.
GREGORY;Me neither.
SAMPSON;I will push the men to the wall and thrust the women to the wall. I will cut off their heads, or their maidenheads. Make what you will of that.(Gives Gregory knowing look)
GREGORY;I…don't…What?
(Sampson winks)
GREGORY;Still not…still not really comprehending what point you're trying to make.
(Sampson elbows him suggestively)
GREGORY;Oh, I understand.
SAMPSON;Really?
GREGORY; No.
(Sampson groans and takes out a donut which he puts a sausage through)
GREGORY(Gasps);Oh..(realises fully);OOOOHHHH!!! You dirty scoundrel.
(Sampson grins smugly).
GREGORY; O shit! Here come those Montague motherfuckers!
Enter Abram and another serving man.
SAMPSON;My naked weapon is out(Hehehehehe…). Quarrel, I will back thee.
Gregory whimpers like a girl.
SAMPSON;Oh come on! Fine, we'll let them begin.
GREGORY;I could frown at them as I pass them by..
SAMPSON;No, I will bite my thumb at them.(Bites thumb)
ABRAM;Oh no you didn't! Did you bite your thumb at us, sir?
SAMPSON;I bite my thumb, sir.
ABRAM;Did you bite your thumb at us sir?
SAMPSON(aside to Gregory);If I say "yes", is the law on our side?
GREGORY;No you dipshit.
SAMPSON;No sir, I was just biting my thumb. It's a bad habit I have, like fucking your mother.
Gregory *face palm* Abram is ready to explode in rage.
GREGORY;Oh look over there! Here comes one of my master's kinsmen.
ABRAM(To both Gregory and Sampson);You lie.
SAMPSON;About which part? The kinsmen or your mother being nothing more than a common whore? Hey that rhymes!
ABRAM;Both!(followed by battle roar)RRRROOOAAARRR!!!!
They fight.
BENVOLIO;Part fools! You know not what you do...or some junk.
They ignore him.
BENVOLIO;Well, so much for my big entrance…
(sulks)
Enter Tybalt because someone needs to be hardcore.
BENVOLIO;Oh noooo….
TYBALT;Turn Benvolio and look upon thy death!
BENVOLIO;I do but keep the peace!
TYBALT;…Ya I kinda gathered that what with you being the peacekeeper and all. Have at thee coward!
They fight. Enter citizens.
CITIZEN'S;FIGHT!FIGHT!FIGHT!….
Enter old CAPULET in his gown and his wife.
CAPULET;Give me my sword ho!
LADY CAPULET;What did you just call me?
CAPULET(Gulps);Eh...nothing.
Enter Old MONTAGUE and his wife.
CAPULET(whinges and points);But… but Montague has a sword! He's waving it in my face!(grumbles)Smug bastard.
MONTAGUE;Let me go woman!
LADY MONTAGUE;NOOO!
Enter SAMUEL L. JACKSON, no wait PRINCE ESCALUS, with his train. He is one scary motherfucker.
He bitchslaps Montague and shoves Capulet.
PRINCE(hisses menacingly);If ever you disturb our streets again your lives shall pay the forfeit of the peace.
Capulet is daydreaming.
PRINCE;Tell me Capulet…what do I look like to you?
CAPULET(snaps out of it);Well…you look kinda dishevelled, like you haven't shaved in a while and eh…since you have a crown…you look kinda like a Prince. Hey are you secretly the singer 'Prince'?
PRINCE(Tries not to cry as he remembers his failed attempt at being a musician);What? That's ridiculous!(Mutters)Okay now it's revenge time. Mmmmhmmm. Tell me…do I look like a bitch?
CAPULET;N-n-noooo…
PRINCE;Then why are you trying to fuck me like a bitch?!
CAPULET;I assure you sir, I would never try to fuck you like a bitch.
Montague is pissing himself laughing.
PRINCE;Capulet you're coming with me now.(Grabs his balls and tugs hard)I swear to God, if you ever fuck with me again…
CAPULET;Ahhh..vgdssjshjgsurosjdh…
MONTAGUE;Na na na na na!
PRINCE;I'll send for you later Montague.
MONTAGUE;But….but…
PRINCE;That's it! Detention!
MONTAGUE;Dang it.
Exuent all but Montague, his wife and Benvolio.
MONTAGUE;Who started this fight anyway?
BENVOLIO;Some servants. I tried to part them, for I am the pacemaker, oops I mean peacemaker, but then Tybalt arrived and shit started to go down.
LADY MONTAGUE;Where is Romeo?
BENVOLIO;Fine, ignore my brilliant attempts at peacekeeping. Well, I thought Romeo was feeling anti-social like me, so I avoided him and then I became more anti-social so I don't know what's bothering him.
MONTAGUE;EPIC FAIL at appearing concerned. He's been seen crying every morning(that's more than usual) and he closes his windows and curtains to block out the sun. I think he's turning into a vampire.
BENVOLIO;……………
LADY MONTAGUE;………….
BENVOLIO;Yeah…I don't think that's it.
Enter ROMEO a.k.a the noob, the guy so far in the closet he's finding Christmas presents, the fucktard, the whinging bitch and the biggest waste of space known to man.
BENVOLIO;Here he comes! Scram! I'll find out what's bothering him.
Exuent Montague and wife.
BENVOLIO;Sup dawg?
ROMEO;Is the day so young?
BENVOLIO;I just said 'sup dawg'…I wasn't really referencing any particular time period…
ROMEO;Oh…my bad. Was that my father that went hence?
BENVOLIO(Claps);You recognised your own father! Will wonders never cease. Why are you so emo?
ROMEO;Not having the WOMAN that I AM IN LOVE with. That's right. I love a girl!(Gestures to big book of love poetry);I'm in pain! WAH! Do you laugh?
BENVOLIO(Giggles);No-no-it's really sad.
(Cracks up laughing)
ROMEO(Crying);Farewell coz!
BENVOLIO;No! Come back. Who is this girl?
ROMEO;Well…Hmm…ooo(He sees a rose on the ground);Rose-a, Rosa-, Rosaline. Yeah, that'll work.
BENVOLIO;Why won't she degrade herself to be with you?
ROMEO;Well…you see..(sees nun passing by)She's chosen to live her life chaste. Yeah, that'll work.
BENVOLIO(mutters to himself);Lucky girl, she escaped just in time.(to Romeo);Pffff! Forget about her.
ROMEO(Unconvincingly);If only I could.
BENVOLIO;I'll help you. I will show you other beauties.
ROMEO;Oh that's…..really not necessary…I can manage myself…It's all good
BENVOLIO;You don't have to hide your feelings from me coz.(squints)Are you wearing eyeliner?
ROMEO;………..
Act One, Scene Two
CAPULET; Yeah, so the Prince totally owned me BUT, Montague got punished too. That's the important thing to remember.
Paris stretches leisurely, trying desperately(and failing) to look non-chalant.
PARIS; So….Any chance of marrying Juliet?
CAPULET; Paris for the last time, she's only nine. Marriage really isn't appropriate.
PARIS; She's thirteen.
CAPULET; Oh right, well that's okay then. I was worried you might be…never mind. Still I don't think she's ready yet. I mean, I don't think she's ever even seen a man besides me before, never mind spoken to one.(He tries to distract Paris) Wanna come to my ball this evening?
Capulet hands the invitations to SERVANT.
SERVANT; Servant away!!!
He runs out.
CAPULET;….
PARIS;…..
Exuent Capulet and Paris.
Enter Benvolio and Romeo.
BENVOLIO; If you find someone else, you'll forget this girl.
ROMEO; I have no response to that. OMG! A servant! Hey servant!(waves crazily)
SERVANT; Here read this invitation.
ROMEO; I can read.
SERVANT; Good for you, kid, good for you.
Romeo reads the letter.
ROMEO; Hmmm…sounds craptacular.
SERVANT; You are very much welcome if you are not a Montague.
Exit servant.
SERVANT; Servant away!!!
BENVOLIO; Talk about fate! We'll go to this feast and you'll find a prettier girl.
Romeo starts throwing a tantrum.
ROMEO; But I don't wanna go!
BENVOLIO; Fine, I'll go with Mercutio.
Romeo instantly recovers.
ROMEO; I'll come too.
BENVOLIO; Alright then….
Act One, Scene Three
LADY CAPULET; Nurse, where's my daughter? Call her forth to me.
NURSE; Sure, no problem ma'am. JULIET! Get your ass down here now!!!
Enter Juliet, looking kinda mellow.
JULIET(singing to herself); They call me mellow yellow…
She sees the Nurse
JULIET; Who was calling me?
NURSE; Your mother.
JULIET; Now is not-(stumbles)-the time for petty insults. Who was calling me?
LADY CAPULET(Waves hand in front of Juliet's face); Hel-lo? Anybody home?
JULIET; Mother!(Hugs her) I am here. What is your will?
Lady Capulet turns to the Nurse.
LADY CAPULET; Juliet is at a pretty age, is she not?
NURSE; I can tell her age unto the hour.
LADY CAPULET; Well, that's to be expected considering that you've been her nurse for almost her entire life…Anyway she's not yet fourteen.
NURSE; I disagree. She is fourteen.
LADY CAPULET; Are you calling me a liar?
NURSE; No my lady, you are merely confused.
LADY CAPULET(takes out knife) Are you calling me a dumb blonde? Just because I'm fair haired and dumb? Because that's not a good enough reason…oh wait…I guess it is.(Puts knife away). Continue.
NURSE; Well, to make a long story short, there was an earthquake and then Juliet was eleven.
(Author's note; That's actually what the Nurse says in the play. Don't believe me? Consult Mister Shakespeare)
Both of them turn their attention back to Juliet who is staring at her hands and flexing her fingers.
JULIET; Whoa… My hands are so powerful… and they can touch anything but themselves.
LADY CAPULET; Juliet, how do you feel about getting married?
JULIET; Meh. I'd prefer some casual sex but whatever…
LADY CAPULET; Well, think of marriage now because your future husband is downstairs waiting for you. Your entire future could depend on this first meeting. But don't worry, no pressure or anything… So do you think you could like him?
Juliet stumbles again.
JULIET; If you like him, I'll like him.
LADY CAPULET; Good. I mean, even if you didn't like him we'd still love you. I mean, we wouldn't disown you or anything.(Laughs unconvincingly).
Juliet is too high to notice. Enter Servingman.
SERVINGMAN; Where have you been Nurse? They're cursing you in the kitchens for not moving your lazy ass.
NURSE; Stop insulting me or I'll hit you.
SERVINGMAN; You wouldn't.
NURSE; You're right, I'm not bothered.
NURSE(To Juliet) You go girl! What the…?
Nurse picks up Juliet's bong. Lady Capulet and Juliet depart with Servingman.
Act One, Scene Four
Enter Romeo, Mercutio, Benvolio with five or six other maskers and torchbearers.)
ROMEO(nervous as hell); So, so, so should we apologise for gate crashing or should we just walk in(He sees a hot guard up ahead)- or should we try to bribe the guards with sexual favous?
ALL EIGHT GUYS; What the fuck Romeo? What the fuck?!
ROMEO; Oh, I thought the guards were hot chicks.
All eight guys sigh in relief.
BENVOLIO; We won't bother with an explanation. We'll just go in ON THE SLYYYY…
ROMEO; Give me the torch, I'll carry it cos I don't wanna dance.
MERCUTIO(Author's note; YAAAAY! Mercutio's finally here. Sorry but he is awesome and kicks ass); Then why did you come to the ball? Did it not enter your noobish brain that there would be dancing at a dance?
ROMEO; My feet are too HEAVY because of my DEPRESSION. Oh why must love HURT so much?
MERCUTIO; Borrow Cupid's wings and they will make you soar.
ROMEO; I am too empierced with his shaft(Authors note; Hehehehe shaft. Make what you will of it) to soar with his light feathers.
MERCUTIO; Romeo, stop ruining my puns with your negativity! You're ruining Chrstmas! HEY EVERYBODY! Romeo ruined Christmas!
EVERYBODY; Thanks a lot Romeo, thanks a lot. Fucking idiot.
MERCUTIO; Anyway, love is a beautiful thing, not some great oppression.
ROMEO; Love is not tender! It is rude, boisterous and pricks like thorn.
Noob
MERCUTIO; If love be rough with you, be rough with love. Prick love for pricking, and you beat love down.
ROMEO; Damn! That was one sexy piece of advice Mercutio. I want you here and n-
Romeo is cut off by Benvolio.
BENVOLIO; Or if being rough with love doesn't work, you could just rough her up a bit.
MERCUTIO;……………
ROMEO;…………..
MERCUTIO;……………
ROMEO; I thought you were meant to be the peacekeeper.
Benvolio laughs.
BENVOLIO; Oh silly Romeo, women don't count!
Benvolio doubles over laughing. Romeo and Mercutio are seriously disturbed by this.
ROMEO; I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.
MERCUTIO; Yeah…yeah OK.
ROMEO; I don't wanna go to the ball.
MERCUTIO(impatiently); Why not?
ROMEO(Whimpers); I had a bad dream! Wah!
MERCUTIO; So did I but you don't hear me whinging like a little bitch.
Romeo is hurt.
ROMEO; Well….what was yours about?
Mercutio gives a fabulous three page speech about Queen Mab and the nature of dreams, but the gist of it is;
MERCUTIO; In short, I mock you Romeo!
ROMEO; Why do you jeer at me when I show you nothing but love?!
MERCUTIO;…………
BENVOLIO; Hurry or we'll be late.
ROMEO; I'm scared.
MERCUTIO; Nobody cares.
They enter the ballroom.
Act One, Scene Five
Enter Capulet, his wife, Juliet, Tybalt, Nurse and all the guests, gentlemen and maskers.
CAPULET; S'up ya'all? Ya'all havin a good time? Yeaaah! Lets raise the roof.
Music plays and they dance. Juliet's drugs are wearing off and she's getting all emo.
ROMEO(to Servingman); Who's that girl over there?
He points to Juliet who is just shifting from foot to foot, too depressed by life to dance.
SERVINGMAN; I know not sir.
Romeo is captivated.
ROMEO; Wooow! I want that dress for myself. Maybe Mercutio would look at me then. For I ne'er saw true beauty(a true dress) till this night.
SERVINGMAN; Plank.
TYBALT; OMFG! A Montague! Fetch me my rapier, boy or I'll rape you. That Romeo is one cocky bastard. Daring to show his face here. To strike him dead, I hold it not a sin.
Author's Note; Neither do I.
CAPULET; Hey Tybalt, why so gloomy?
TYBALT; That boy over there.
CAPULET; I know you've been having self-esteem issues lately, but there is no reason why that boy wouldn't like you. You ask him to dance, you charm him, you slip a little something in his drink………
TYBALT; No! He's a Montague! Our sworn enemy!
CAPULET; Oh leave him alone, he seems cool.
As if on cue, Romeo does a twirl and flutters his suspiciously long lashes at Mercutio who is dancing with someone else.
TYBALT; I'll not endure him.
CAPULET; You have to. Tough shit.
Exit Tybalt
Romeo goes over to Juliet, partly to make Mercutio jealous, and also to find out where she got her dress.
ROMEO; Oh hey, I was just wondering where you got that kick-ass dress and those really cool tight red arm bracelets.
JULIET(Seriously emo); Those aren't bracelets.
ROMEO; What?…..Oh……….AWKWARD MOMENT.
Juliet looks up.
JULIET; Oh look, mistletoe.
Romeo gulps and then whispers reassuringly to himself.
ROMEO; Do it quick and it won't hurt as much.
RANDOM SERVINGMAN IN BACKGROUND; That's what she said!
Romeo kisses Juliet.
ROMEO; Well that wasn't half as bad as I thought it would be! Your moustache tickles! I bet that's what it would feel like to kiss Mercutio.
JULIET; You're a good kisser.
ROMEO; Aww shucks! Thanks, I practice on the inside of my arm.
JULIET(chews); There's chewing gum in my mouth.
ROMEO; Is it mint flavoured?
JULIET; Yeah.
ROMEO; It's mine.
JULIET; Can I keep it?
ROMEO; No! Get your own bitch! Give it back.
He kisses her again.
ROMEO; Now that I have what's rightfully mine, I bid you farewell. ROMEO AWAY!!!
SERVANT; Hey! He stole my catchphrase!
The Nurse appears and accidentally steps on Romeo's cape. He falls to the ground in a heap. He gets up quickly, trying to look cool.
NURSE(To Juliet); Your mother wishes to speak with you.
ROMEO; Who is her mother?
NURSE; The lady of the house.
ROMEO; She's a Capulet? Oh shit!
BENVOLIO; Skedaddle, Romeo, skedaddle! Time to go.
CAPULET; Man! I am so wasted! Goodnight ya'all.
Exit all but Juliet and Nurse.
JULIET; Who was that guy?
NURSE; The kid at the door?
JULIET; No.
NURSE; The guy with the tie?
JULIET; No.
NURSE; The guy with the long lashes and baby penis?
JULIET; Yes! Who's he?
NURSE; Romeo the idiot boy son of Montague.
JULIET; Great! The one boy to show any interest in me and he turns out to be my sworn enemy?
NURSE; What about your fiancée?You seemed excited earlier.
JULIET; I was stoned! Hey you seen my bong?
NURSE; Well………..
Authors Notes; Please Read&Review! Without sufficient feedback i mightn't continue with this! Hope you guys liked Act 1.=)
