a/n: Hey, this is my first fanfiction ever, and I would really love, love, love any reviews and guidelines and anything else that you think may help me as a writer. To be completely honest, I spent a literal thirty minutes on this and it really didn't have much thought or proofreading - I just sort of went for it. Sorry if it's bad.
This wasn't the first time. It's never the first time.
It's always the last. The last time I woke up voluntarily, the last signature smirk I gave, the last glance of his emerald eyes, the last chance to tell him "I love you," for the first time. I spent fifteen years in silence, waiting for that perfect moment to tell him everything, to tell him that I've been dying to kiss him and feel his gentle touch, that I'm finally sick of this winter wonderland and wanted to leave – for good.
I've waited to tell him that I kept every blanket he had brought me every week, and that I always pretended to lose them in some "freak blizzard that no one ever saw coming," just to keep more of his precious, intoxicating scent around me. I've waited to tell him that every time he visited, my heart starts beating in a rampage, like there's an earthquake just in my chest, and I can't help but look away to hide my flaming face. I've wanted him to know that I never said anything, especially around him, because I was too busy forcing myself to breathe when every part of my being froze in his presence.
I want him to keep saying my name, just like he usually did twenty-three times in a row when he wanted my attention, even if he sounds annoyed and agitated. I want him to keep holding my hand for a few seconds longer when he guides me to eat the soup from his thermos. I desperately want him to lay next to me, bundled in his seven blankets, after he helps me change and drapes them over me.
I want to hold him in my arms, next to my makeshift fireplace, and sing Christmas carols in the wintertime, and "Happy Birthday" in the fall. I want to run my fingers through his chestnut hair, and pull his peach-pink lips towards mine, completely breathing him in. I want to stare and see forever in his forest green eyes, and have their gaze never leave mine.
To have him never leave me.
These were my last few thoughts as he walked promptly out of this forsaken cave, and out of my life. But it wasn't the first time they've ever crossed my mind.
It's never the first time.
