And so from our "lives" in the after-life, we found ourselves introduced into material existence as humans...
Karl is a scruffy, use-to-be ace investigator for the FBI looking to redeem himself in the eyes of his fellow Agents...but mostly in his own eyes. His past strength - that he was an unflinchingly straight arrow/by-the-book person - failed him on a years-gone-by case; and alot of people got badly injured (including his partner at the time) because he just would not see or act beyond proper procedure. It became a wound that he would not let heal. His reaction to the misfortune was to take on a mindset and manner that was the complete opposite of his former, ultra-professional self, and in short order his career and (worst in his mind) standing amongst his peers sunk to near bottom of the barrel due to his vigilante-like behavior and his pushing away of those that were suppose to be his support (particularly those unfortunate enough to be partnered with him). Recently though...after getting a long string of assignments that were equivalent to table scraps...he was thrown a minor chunk of the prized dogs chow: a small roll on a big case (a high profile, Hollywood kind of case) and he was determined to put a polish on his act and attitude and shine even brighter than he did in the past.
As for myself: my name is Angel, and I was the muse/lover of one of the fastest rising stars of the latest generation of movie directors. Vlad Thorne was his name, and the reason I WAS his muse/lover is because he was murdered in our townhouse...well...half a townhouse now due to the bomb that killed him. That was two days ago. I was suppose to be with Vlad at the time of the explosion but I got called away that night to fill in for one of the "girls" who came down with a sudden illness...
the short version of the story on that is that I'm rather a star in my own right as a headlining "drag" performer at a wildly popular LGBT establishment in the city. It's where Vlad "discovered" me actually
...but getting back on track; I was no more than at the end of the driveway when the tragedy happened.
Since I may or may not have been a co-target along with my former lover, Agent Karl is now on assignment as my body guard of sorts. It all has to do with the latest film Vlad was working on: a fictional account of a middle eastern fundamentalist group and their efforts to recruit members within America's borders and how they seem to be aided along by a certain U.S. intelligence agency. It was a story that apparently hit too close to home with regard to real world events and actions...or so the FBI thinks. Well they can think what they want because there are certain things I know; but I'm keeping my secrets for if and when I need the kind of leverage they can provide. The only thing is...this Karl fellow...he's pretty damn smart and perceptive...
and he's starting to have his suspicions.
When we first read the above (paraphrased by moi) script summaries for our characters in the upcoming major motion picture: Angel Secrets; Katan and I thought that it would – just as our manager suggested - indeed be a great first couple of rolls with which to break into film. Currently, we are top tier fashion models...have been for the past five and a half years or so. More important than that though is that we're a couple...I would say the hottest celebrity couple around, although Katan, being the humble person that he is, would of course say otherwise. But getting back to the movie; everything was going pretty smoothly considering that we're a couple of complete newbies at acting...but that was until we hit Scene 23. It's the most angsty and emotional scene in the movie and - as it turned out – ended up being pretty heavy emotion-wise for Katan and myself too.
The setup is as such: due to events leading up to the scene, Karl has regressed to his fallen, wounded old self after getting it into his head that he isn't up to the task of protecting my character. Add to that the fact that he (who has always identified as straight) has begun to develop sexual/romantic feelings for Angel. He basically feels he's at the end of his rope and is about to abandon his charge so he can go rouge in a hopeless one man war against an entire Federal agency. My character's inner situation is just as volatile, as he finds himself falling for his guardian but finding that his own secret affiliations and loyalties are putting that individual's career and even life in jeopardy.
So now with the setup out of the way, we find ourselves at the 23rd scene. The location is the master bedroom of a beach front cottage owned by a couple that Vlad and Angel knew and were friendly with. We broke into the place and are hiding out here because the owners are spending their summer in Europe. Why are we in hiding?...because I was kidnapped a couple scenes back by some police/military types and was near miraculously rescued by Karl. On one of the dead kidnappers he finds some ID that states that she is with a highly secretive and dubious government agency called the International Intelligence and Security Service. Now he doesn't feel he can trust anyone….not even the FBI.
The scene begins with a thick wad of cash, a gun, and some ammunition being thrown on the bed in front of me (I've just woken up). Karl, who is already up and dressed, tells me:
"I can't protect you...hell...I can't protect anyone..." -he then turns toward the door- "...I'm going to deal with these people the only way I know how...you should disappear for a while..perhaps leave the country and disappear for good"
My character, immediately grasping the direness of the what's being said to him, leaps off the bed and in a fit of rage induced by the fear of losing someone beloved, spins Karl around by the arm and begins to slap him hard across the face
~Smack~
"Don't you dare leave me...you swore you would protect me no matter what!..."
~Smack~
"...you can't possibly protect me if you're dead...you have to be alive and by my side!..."
~Smack~
"...why are you turning into some lame ass guy...all the other men in my life have been thoughtless fools...even Vlad...it's true..I was never really in love with him or any other guy so far...but you...you...I won't let you turn into another!..."
I raise my hand to deliver another blow but then Karl tackles me onto the bed.
That's about the middle of the scene, but it's the beginning of where Katan and I have issues with our abilities to carry out our rolls.
"Rociel!...Rociel, wait for me...wait!"
I remember the voice...the thuds of his heavy footfalls...the look of his lanky frame as it barreled it's way toward me at full speed. My adolescent days are full of the same exact memory with only slight variations repeated dozens of times. Most of those times I was successfully retreating from the young Katan. He honestly drove me crazy back then starting with our first meeting.
I was pretty and popular in my youth - just like I am now, but that's neither here nor there - and of course the combination of those two attributes drew a double portion of jealousy and antagonism toward me. Consequently, I got into a lot of fights; and during one of those fights in my first quarter in the tenth grade, a tall, skinny kid jumps in from out of nowhere shouting:
"I won't stand for two guys trying to beat up a girl!"
Mere seconds later, after the last punch is thrown, two boys are face down in the grass and my self-appointed guardian angel is standing in front of me with a huge grin saying:
"Hi..I'm Katan from the 7th grade...I'm going to protect you forever pretty girl!"
I'm stupefied...I just stare at him until the broken laughter of our two failed opponents brings me out of my frozen state. Then the giggles of the spectators comes to my awareness. I feel so embarrassed and my blood begins to boil as I shoot a hard look at my wanna-be body guard and coldly state:
"Listen dork...I didn't need and I don't want your help..." -as I straighten-up, turn my back to Katan, and walk off in my normal stately manner, I turn my head and deliver a parting shot- "...and since you're too stupid to notice...I'm a guy"
Yeah sure, in those early days before my world view dramatically changed , my disposition toward Katan would range from disregarding to downright mean. But I've never struck him in anger...it's just a line I won't cross. Even when I considered him an unwelcome acquaintance and his mad (from my perspective at the time) devotion would drive me past the point of insane rage, the very inkling of physically harming the boy would make me ill inside. I got as far as rearing my fist back at one point, but the instant feeling of intense nauseousness drained all the will and energy out of me and what was left was a terrible guilt and sadness that left me on my knees. I still have no explanation for why I'm like that with Katan. I figure it could be that every single time I've hurled an unkind word or made a physically aggressive move toward him, he gets a look of profound...sadness?...mixed with a touch of disappointment? But there's something else...something truly unsettling: a look that he's resigned himself to being my proverbial 'punching bag'. I think that's partially the case, but there's something even deeper going on. Like coded in the DNA kind of deep. Like beyond space and time kind of deep.
A friend of mine with heavy spiritualist leanings once told me her theory that many human fears, biases, predilections, and various other drives and motivations that fall outside of logic or basic instinct can readily be explained as the effects of varying degrees of "residue" carried over from past life experiences. I suppose that makes about as much sense as anything; and if that theory is remotely plausible, I'd like to know what occurred between the past Katan and myself that would make me pretty much rather die than be a source of sadness/disappointment in that man's life...
or actually, perhaps it's a good thing that I don't know anything about our hypothetical past lives.
Getting back to recent events: it's the 12th take and the Director is upset
"Stop holding back Rociel...you're supposed to be outraged that the potential love of your life is going to basically suicide himself by going against an organization you are secretly affiliated with...your loyalties and core values are being pulled apart at the seams...all these things are supposed to have whipped-up your emotions into an explosive force!...and Katan...you need to stop with the puppy dog eyes when he goes to smack you" -he allows himself a deep breath and a sip of coffee to calm himself before continuing on- "...ok...now lets make this the final take and then call it a day"
The cameras start rolling for the 13th take, but a moment before they do, a silent communication takes place between me and my beloved:
'Let's steel our nerves and get this over with...it's just acting anyway...are you ready my darling?'
'Yes...anything for you Rociel'
I leap from the bed, jerk Katan around, and square myself in front of him. My hand is already back...fingers straight and rigid...palm forward. My face twists into an angry scowl before I bring my hand forward. Katan is suppose to remain expressionless and to the rest of the world he does, but I can see the hurt blooming behind his eyes. I feel like I'm going to unravel midway through my arm movement but I won't. It's for our and everyone else's benefit that we get this over with. I'm not really angry with Katan and he's going to turn his head right before contact, thus no one will actually be hit so it's really all good.
~Smack~
I can't believe it! Katan didn't turn his head!
I gasp in horror and pull him into a comforting embrace, thereby blowing the rest of the scene; but I don't care because to me it's like the world is ending
"Why?...why must you be so disobedient?..." -at this point I'm sobbing- "...I adore you my cherub...I just don't want you to suffer on my account"
The words fell from my mouth without me even giving them thought. They have no meaning in the context of the situation; yet still, they are backed by a ton of sentiment due to how in the past (perhaps as far back as past lives) I felt that I had to drive the young Katan away so that he wouldn't keep getting hurt in my fights.
I don't know how long we stood there locked in a strange battle to see who could out-soothe each other, but eventually we're broken out of it by a loud:
"Cut!"
Then - as if enough of the unexpected hadn't had already happened – those surrounding us...the stage crew, a few fellow actors, and even the director...start clapping.
The next morning Katan and I are summoned to the Director's office well before the official start of the day's activities. We both figure a rigorous chewing-out is waiting for us despite things ending on the high side last afternoon. Certainly the last thing we expect is to be complimented
"I don't know the hows' or whys' of what transpired between you two yesterday, but it was movie gold"
My cherub and I give a brief side glance to each other then slowly we push the words:
"Th..thanks" -past our lips
"Yes indeed, it was good stuff...I might be able to work that little gem into or perhaps even replace the original scene depending on what me and the writer can do with it...the thing is..." -he takes a sip from his ever-present, giant coffee mug- "...we still need to complete the original scene...the slapping part..." -and now my eyes grow slightly wide because I already know what's going to be said next- "...and the sex part"
I knew the slapping part would be a hurdle – mostly for me. I also foresaw there being difficulty with the somewhat rape-y/consensually ambiguous appearing part of the scene where my character is thrown on to the bed and basically ravaged by Katan's character
"So...give me an honest answer...do you guys think you'll be able to give me your one-hundred percent all to get the scene done?"
He levels his most serious and critical look on us while we go through what seems like several minutes of deep self evaluation. Eventually I end up being the first to speak for the both of us
"I simply can't strike Katan like the scene calls for...even if it's acted and fake..." -I turn to look at him and find his eyes already on me- "...and I know he can't act out a non-loving, love scene with me or even a stand-in..." -I'm about to let it go at that, but speaking of stand-ins causes me to quickly get in- "...and I won't engage in real or simulated intimacy with anyone but him...sorry"
A mere moment later Katan utters his own apology:
"I'm really sorry too Director...I don't mean to be so difficult"
The Director then proceeds to throw us off by smiling and jovially saying
"No worries you two..I figured just as much...how about you take the day off...nah, make that today and the next couple of days...but be close and reachable by phone because as soon as I get things reworked to accommodate you two, I wanna get right back on track...sound good to you"
"Yes of course" -I say with enthusiasm, which is immediately followed-up by Katan
"You are too kind Director sir...we've surely thrown off the schedule and put you over budget...well, in truth, I'm the one mostly at fault for not turning my head to avoid the slap"
And there it is...the one and only thing that still drives me crazy about my man: the way he always heaps the weight of the world onto himself. I glare and frown at Katan and he knows it and thus keeps his head and eyes locked forward. Thankfully, the Director cuts the tension with a hearty chuckle
"I've been in this business for well over a decade now, and the thing about movie making is that it almost never keeps to a set schedule and is forever running over budget...so don't worry, just get here quickly when you get the call-in"
As it turned out, Katan and my unscripted performance ended up being a fortuitous fiasco, as it was put into the movie due to an adjustment of the script. Then, two days into our hastily scheduled down time, the production company decided that a serious (as in not played off for shock value or laughs) same sex, physically intimate scene was just too much for the general public to handle even in 2015. There was outrage all around (most of the cast, crew, and some of the production staff)...even the Director floated hints about quitting the project. Finally though, after the schedule had been pushed back by another week while negotiations were attended to, a compromise was reached wherein a love scene was allowed to be conspicuously hinted at. And while there was the general feeling of dissatisfaction that always accompanies a compromise; I couldn't help but feel a tremendous amount of relief that scene 23 in it's original form was permanently out of the picture (pun intended) and I can say for sure that my darling cherub felt the same way too.
