Chapter 1: Moving On

Every day gets slightly easier than the next, but not much. The brokenness isn't gone, but the cracks are slowly being glued back together. It still leaves me fragile. Hearing or seeing the wrong thing can still set me off into a spiral of emotions that leave me numb, on the floor. Haymitch doesn't come by every day. He's probably off drinking and trashing things all around his house. Every few weeks he comes by, somewhat sober, and it helps. He's still my mentor as far as I'm concerned. He's broken too. We all are.

I long for the mornings, because that's when Peeta arrives and we have breakfast together. He made some type of deal with Greasy Sae too stop coming. I'm not sure what the longing is, or why it happens, but it's there, every morning. He always brings some bread he made and makes us some type of creation. The baking and cooking calms him down. I just sit there and wait as he cooks for us. Silence overwhelms us day after day, yet I still want him there. He's good for me. I'm not sure I'm good for him, but for the time being, I let it be.

One morning like all of the others, we are sitting in silence. All you can here is the soft chewing of Peeta's newest creation, delicious as always. "Tell me to leave Katniss. I know that's what you want. I'm different, wrong. Don't pity me. Tell me to leave," he says, with an unbearably sad look upon his face. His face is full of honesty. He truly believes what he is saying to be true. "No Peeta, I want you here," I say. I mean this more than I had even known myself. I can see he isn't convinced by the expression on his face. He starts to get up and leave. I find myself begging him not to . This surprises me. Peeta's face turns into one of confusion when I cling to him. I slowly back away, afraid that my touch may have triggered a flashback. Peeta stands there calmly, with a crooked smile on his face. It's closer to the boy with the bread I used to know, but not quite there. "I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me." "It's easier now," he says, "to stop them. You make it easier Katniss." "I'm sorry," I say again. Peeta just gives a nod and the smile that isn't quite his own as we finish our breakfast. "Same time tomorrow?" he asks as he gets up to leave. "Please," I whisper. Then he walks out the door. Once again I am alone.

I decided to go to town, for the first time in weeks. First I must clean myself up a bit. I enter the bathroom. I've tried to avoid the mirror as much as possible since I've returned to district twelve, and for good reason. I think I'll have to cut my hair again, due to the monstrous sight before me. I don't understand how anyone can have visited me looking like this. No wonder Haymitch only stops by every few weeks. I somehow manage to comb out my hair, after what seems like an hour. I couldn't keep track of time anymore. It all blended together for the most part. I remembered mornings because of Peeta. I walked out of the bathroom and into my room; I opened up my closet and grabbed my black pants and gray shirt. I grabbed my pack and some money and left for the town, hoping for something new to make me feel more alive.