/* AN: I don't own any rights to any of the recognizable characters or plots, they belong to their respective owners. The only thing I own is this plot and any OCs I create. Any similarities to other fanfics are unintentional, and I will try to give credit to any fanfics I knowingly use. For example, this story is intended to be along the lines of Make a Wish, by Rorschach's Blot. In addition, I will cherry-pick some things from Harry Potter and the Lightning Scar by questionablequotation. I will play very loose and fast with the timeframes and sometimes plots of crossovers I add in, so just imagine all these things are happening in this timeframe. So, with that in mind, let's get going!
*/
Harry Potter was miserable.
He had been back at Privet Drive for less than a week after what he, in his mind, called the DOM Debacle, wherein his friends had been hurt and his godfather killed.
Even worse, nobody had taken the time to sit down with him and talk about his thoughts and feelings about the whole thing. So he wallowed in pity and self-loathing.
For the first time, he was allowed out the house, even if it was just to go the grocery store with his aunt. When they got back to Privet Drive, they got out of the car and started carrying bags inside. Before they could even get the first bag to the door, however, a sketchy-looking blue rape van (AN: a long, tall van with no windows other than the front and back windshield and often no seats in the back) came screeching up. Two men jumped out of the back, wearing skin-colored panty hose over their heads.
Continually shouting, "Hut! Hut! Hut!" the two men ran over to Harry, grabbed him under his arms, pulled a black bag over his head, and threw him into the back of the van. The driver, a woman wearing the same panty-hose get-up, started shouting at the two men, "Go! Go! Go!"
The whole time this was going on, Petunia was standing stock-still, dumbstruck at the audacity of the three to kidnap her (admittedly unwelcome) nephew in broad daylight in the middle of the day. She watched as the taller of the two men paused before entering the van and ran back to her. He stopped in front of her, told her not to tell anyone then ran back to the van.
Again, he paused before entering the van and went back to her. Peering into the bag still in her arms, he poked a few things out of the way before grabbing a box of cookies from the bag. With another threatening glare at Petunia, he ran into the van, screaming "Go! Go! Go!"
Meanwhile, Harry was freaking out. He had been kidnapped! So much for Dumbledore's vaunted blood wards. He felt the van start speeding off, and felt the bag ripped from his head. When he looked up, he was shocked what he saw.
Remus Lupin and Sirius Black were staring back at him with their pantyhose rolled up to their foreheads and huge cheesy grins on their faces.
"Sirius!" Harry shouted. "What the fuck? I thought you died in the DOM!"
"Nope," he replied with an even bigger grin. "I, along with the help of Remmy here and my little cousin Nymphy (an enraged shout came from the front of the van, where Tonks was apparently driving) decided to fake my own death! This way, you inherit the Black vaults, people stop looking for me, and I get to go wenching 'round the world with my only remaining brother and godson! Sorry I didn't tell you, but I didn't want it getting out. What's the point of being dead if people know you're alive?"
Harry lunged to his godfather, hugging him and letting out all the tears he hadn't let fall before. Sirius just held him while Tonks navigated her way towards London.
By the time they reached a parking garage close to the Leaky Cauldron, Harry and Sirius were bouncing around like small children, planning out the most fun- and, more importantly to Sirius, sex-filled summer they could think of. They decided that while Remus and Harry went to Gringotts to have Sirius' will read, Tonks and Sirius would start picking up supplies they might need, with Sirius under a heavy glamour, of course.
When Harry and Remus sat down with the manager of the Black accounts, a shifty-looking (well, shiftier than usual) goblin named Flankshank, the will was short and to the point. Remus and the Tonks family each got a few million galleons, Andromeda was welcomed back into the Black family, Narcissa and Bellatrix had their marriages dissolved and were removed from the Black family, and Harry got all the rest of the money, properties, and the Lordship.
When Harry received the ring of Lord Black, he was also given the ring of Lord Potter, since Sirius' will had also emancipated Harry, allowing him to take up his Lordships. When he put them on, he felt a snapping in his head, his eyes went blurry, and his entire body seemed to be sore.
When he asked the Flankshank what had happened, the goblin told him that the core bindings put on him when he was a baby had snapped, and the neglect and malnourishment from the Durselys had been fixed. Unknown to Harry was that the compulsions placed on him to act meek and try to be unnoticeable were also broken at the same time, releasing his true personality, more a blend of Sirius and James, with Lily's good sense.
Taking off his glasses and looking into a mirror on the wall, Harry was thrilled to see he was a good half-foot taller, a hair under 6' tall, lightly tanned, and well-muscled. Thanking Flankshank and asking him to begin auditing the Black vaults, they stopped at the front counter to grab three wallets capable of drawing any desired currency from the owner's vault. Keying all three to the main Black vault, they left to see what kind of trouble Sirius had managed to get himself into.
They found him next to an amused Tonks in Weasley's Wizard Wheezes. Since Remus and Harry had taken so long in Gringotts, they had picked up their supplies and Sirius had dragged Tonks into WWW, looking like a kid in a candy shop.
When they managed to peel Sirius away from the Skiving Snackboxes ("You don't understand how much I would've paid for these at Hogwarts!"), they said goodbye to Tonks, who wouldn't be joining them due to her need to work, and went to the Portkey shop in Diagon Alley to get a Portkey to the United States.
Since Harry had shared the prophecy with the on the way to the Alley, Remus had put down his foot, claiming that learning also needed to be done on the trip, so they had decided to start the summer with a tour of the United States for a few weeks, hitting large cities to pick up women, and visiting the Native American tribes to pick up tribal magics and the Animagus transformation.
Thanks to a Black relic Sirius had found in Grimmauld Place called Thor's Cradle, they could slow down time within a set area at a rate of almost a month per day of real time. Since they planned on mostly applying it to the apartment trunk they were bringing along, they made sure the trunk's kitchen was well-stocked, as was the man cave. Somehow Remus had found a way to make electronics work with ambient magic, so the man cave was well set-up with several huge flatscreen TVs, the newest game consoles and games, and a huge stock of movies.
Deciding start on the East coast, they would spend a few days free-falling down the coast, stopping for a stay with the Cherokee, before moving West to hit the Comanche, Sioux, and Apache tribes and spending a few days in California, before heading into South America.
When the Portkey was calibrated for New York City, the man-child, werewolf, and Boy-Who-Lived shared a deep breath and with a shouted "HOOAH!" were suddenly transported across the ocean to begin their summer-long journey.
/* AN: Here it begins! I'll try to mix up boring filler/training chapters with funny or interesting ones, but we'll see how that works out. I can't remember where I got the idea for Thor's Cradle, I think I remember reading about it in a fanfic somewhere, can't remember which. If that's your fanfic, thank you for letting me borrow the idea and possibly horribly mangle what I remember the concept to be!
For the record, I'm just kinda shooting from the hip with this story, not really following any set storyline. Sure there's probably gonna be a few couple-chapter-long arcs that follow continents they visit or something, but I'm just kinda writing whatever the hell I want to. Anyway, should have a new chapter out soon. Till then.
*/
