"DIE! YOU STUPID MACHINE!" the angry yell made Victus jump. He backpedaled, and peered behind the doorway.

He wasn't the only one staring as Kaiden Alenko pounded his fist on the coffee maker. Garrus was watching serenely with half-open eyes from where he sat with his legs kicked up on a table.

"You know Kaiden," the scar-marred Turian said slowly, almost lucidly, "I bet if you yell loud enough, the Geth will hear you. Because they're really the only machines that respond to being yelled at. And most of them respond by shooting at you."

"Who's to say that the coffee maker won't start shooting at me." the Human grumbled. he jabbed a finger at it. "This thing is EVIL. It's a Reaper in disguise."

"Hmmm. Maybe we should go tell Shepard about the... coffee maker of doom." Garrus mused. "Then, she can talk it down and collect it as a war asset."

A pause. Silence. Then...

"YOOOOOWWW! KILL IT WITH FIRE!" the coffee maker had finally activated, but the cup the coffee was supposed to go into was not in place, counseling scalding coffee to dump itself out of the dispenser, and consequentially burn Kaiden's hand.

Later, Shepard would walk into the cargo bay and merely watch with bemusement as Garrus and a bandage-handed Kaiden waved a coffee maker goodbye as they launched it out the trash vacuum.


I might do something like this will a few of the other characters. I already have an idea for Legion the Geth and the Case of the Kitten, Garrus Vakarian and the Flying Fedora, and possible Tali'Zorah and the Trench Coat Full of Bees.

If you liked this, which one would YOU like to see next?