Author's Note: Obviously, the Twilight series and its characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. If they belonged to me, I'd be off spending tons of money instead of typing on here. This fic is sort of, pretty much Jacob/Bella, but keep an open mind if you're more Team Edward. Read and review, please. Constructive criticism is always appreciated. Oh, yeah - enjoy it, too!

P.S. This is Bella's mind around midpoint in New Moon. It's also what I WISH Bella would've thought.

Questioning - A Twilight Oneshot

I'd never felt so empty in my life. I'd never had a wound so deep, and this is coming from someone who has been bruised so many times it was hard to keep track.

I'd also never been so torn.

I had been so sure of where it was all heading. I would be Edward's soulmate. I was so sure! I hated that I had convinced myself into a happily ever after. I would be to him what Emmett and Rosalie were for each other, Jasper and Alice, Carlisle and Esme. I would become a vampire, and I would be immortal, perfect, with him forever. I could be worthy. We would be bound together. And that would never change.

But change it did. How... I couldn't even.

How could something that seemed to be set in stone change so quickly?

How could, after so long of being sure of what I wanted and who I loved, I start to really wonder?

As much as I didn't want to admit it to myself, I was questioning everything now. To me, in that precious time that we were together, Edward was godlike, flawless, perfect. Everything I for sure would never be. Better than me by leaps and bounds, and I did not deserve him.

Why didn't I deserve him? Why was I so incapable of giving myself credit for the positive sides I did have? Why couldn't I acknowledge the fact that I was pretty – maybe not like the stunning blonde Rosalie and the charmingly beautiful Alice, but in my own way? Why couldn't I own up to the fact Edward had flaws? Why… why wasn't I worthy? Why couldn't I look past the fact he was a vampire and remember emotionally, he was human. Like me.

He was overprotective. He could be arrogant. He knew that he had an unfair power over me that I never thought I'd ever let any boy have.

Yet… why? I couldn't grasp what had made me feel this way. Surely there were other fish in the sea that were equally handsome, equally kind-hearted… no. Not like Edward. God! Why did everything have to be some messed up contradiction? Why wasn't anything straight forward anymore?

Edward was stunningly, flawlessly gorgeous. He had beautiful eyes, always striking, and a rock hard body that looked as though it had been sculptured with the greatest attention to details. He was kind, passionate, and… for some ridiculous reason, he loved me.

But he left, hurting me more than any stupid vampire bite could. If he knew all of my weaknesses, why wouldn't he know all of this angst and depression and all of this crap that was so… not me would happen?

He clearly didn't know me well enough. He clearly wasn't that perfect.

He was cold.

And God, after all this time of convincing myself that I needed someone to hold me together, – I couldn't do it by myself – needed someone to at least attempt to pick up my shattered pieces, needed… him. What did I really need?

I loved Edward beyond words could ever possibly say. My heart jumped embarrassingly in his presence, our lips meshed perfectly, and he was everything good in the world. I loved him. I really did.

Despite that... I. I just...

I needed Jacob. I needed warmth.