What the fuck is wrong with me?


"What has Sally Acorn ever done for you?"

Silence mostly. Some coughing. A couple of boos.

"Seriously! This question is not rhetorical. What has Sally Acorn ever personally done for you?"

A mangy cat up front raises his hand.

"Yes sir! You, up front!" he calls down from his stage. His hand-built platform that he stands on, high and mighty over everyone. "Why don't you tell us all what the mighty Princess Acorn has done for you?"

He's suddenly very nervous. Hands trembling, and wrapping around each other, he begins to mumble and no one can understand him.

"Speak up, boy. What has Sally Acorn done for you?"

"She established this colony, and held it stable for ages."

"Ah, yes. She picked a piece of dirt, and sat behind her blue puppet, pulling the strings. We all heard tales of her early days, her "heroic" days. But the simple truth is that Sally only protected us because she had a shield. A blue one. Can anyone tell me who that was?"

"Sonic!" a child cries from the crowd. "Sonic the hedgehog!"

"Precisely! Sonic the hedgehog, her little puppet. Can anyone tell me where this mighty hero is now?"

"Enough!" He makes his way forward with confidence, the crowd parting before him. Creating a path.

His voice was strong. Strong and loud.

"Enough?"

"Enough of this!"

"Enough of what, good sir? Can you not handle the truth, for if you cannot, make your way home. This is a spectacle for open minds!"

"Speak you not of truth, vermin! You are far more aware of the nonsense you spin than I. You challenge our queen, our very leader. For what? Have you a better agenda? Pray, what is your master plan?"

The crowd turns its gaze to the man up high, waiting for an answer. Most of them don't even fully understand the issue.

"Something new" he says, pausing. "I have in mind something entirely new. What have you now? At this moment? What does your almighty princess have? A sinking ship? You, who is so afraid of change should even be able to tell that we're fighting a losing war!"

"There's hope!" cries a small voice from the cluster of people surrounding this man's stage.

"There is hope!" a quick response; almost as if it was timed. Planned. "The hope lies with change! The hope lies with me! Can you not see that this current leader is so stubborn that she is willing to sacrifice us all for the ways of the old? We need change! Something must be done!"

The crowd is roaring.

"Are you getting this shit?" my colleague yells into my ear over the shouting.

"Yeah."

"What?"

"Yeah."

"What?!"

"YES!"

"Good, because this shit is wild! I-"

He goes off into a tangent that I don't understand. Rather than trying to let him know I can't hear him, I just kind of nod and smile.

What he doesn't get, is that this story isn't about us. It's about them.

The roaring dies down, and someone can be heard from the back of the crowd.

"What says that you should be the leader? What's to say I couldn't do it?"

"What is to say you couldn't do it, my boy? Have you the qualifications or the experience to do the job? Keep in mind, my good people, that I proudly stood by the queen for many years. For as many years as I can remember, I guarded Knothole by the queen's side. Believe me, I know all of her little tricks of the trade. There are things you don't even want to know about our 'infallible' queen."

"Such as?!"

"My boy, I am not here to mudsling! I am here to promote the idea of change. Something isn't working, people. Something needs to be changed. Do you want to meet the same fate as Sonic?"

The crowd goes wild. He takes a sip from a canteen.

From all the way out here in the middle of it, I can see the look on his face. The smug grin he looks over us with.

I don't like it.

"I'll be back here" he says, as he steps off his stage, maintaining his smirk "the same time tomorrow!"

I don't like it in the slightest.


"Excuse me sir, what is your name?"

"My name? Why? You with him?"

"No, sir! I'm Vernon from the Knothole weekly. I just wanted to get a statement."

"A statement? Fuck you. Piss off."

"Sad."

"What?"

"It's sad that your voice was so strong and loud before, yet now you do not speak."

"I spoke before because I had to. He needed to be stopped. He's out of his mind. He's been planning this forever. He's the carpenter."

"The carpenter?"

"The carpenter. Watch out for the walrus, too. He won't be able to help you."

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing. Fuck it. I'm going."

"Wait! Can I get your name, good sir?"

A sigh.
A pause.

"Miles."

He's walking away.

"Miles what?"

"Prower"


"You want a beer, Vernon?"

"Nah. I need to keep my head clear. Water, please."