Of Love and Letters
James and Lily's death left Remus heartbroken and alone. Desperate, Remus writes a letter to Sirius to give himself closure. [Wolfstar; Sirius x Remus]
Disclaimer: The wonderful world of Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling and Warner Bros. I only dare lay claim on my imagination.
"The worst pain in the world goes beyond the physical. Even further beyond any other emotional pain one can feel. It is the betrayal of a friend."
― Heather Brewer
Dear Sirius,
I don't know what to say to you. I shouldn't even be writing this to you. I feel like I am betraying them by even writing this letter.
How can you, you of all people betray James and Lily? I never thought that you'd to be one to betray our friends. Never in my wildest dreams.
What was going through your mind, Sirius, when you told the dark side where James and Lily were living? I want to know, Sirius, I need to know. How could you do this to them, how could you do this to us?
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO US?
What did they give you, what made you turn against us?
I want to believe that you didn't do it, that it wasn't you, but I don't have a choice, do I? James' dead, Lily's dead, Peter's dead and IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT. Now you're going to be sent to Azkaban without trial and it's also your own bloody fault. Why does this feel like you all left me and I am the one left that is being punished?
Why, Sirius, why?
Did you think of us?
Do you remember what we had? Us, the Marauders. Have you forgotten? A decade of friendship. A decade of friendship built on trust, forgiveness and pranks. How could you? Did we mean anything?
Do you remember what we had? Us, you and I, the wolf and the dog. Do you remember our first kiss, our awkwardness when we realised what we had? Do you remember our stolen times together? Laying atop of the Astronomy tower beside each other, our heartbeats synchronised, our hands clasped tight, we communicated soundlessly. There was no need for words because we both knew each other was thinking. Where had that time gone?
Do you remember when we had to sneak about our relationship because we thought Prongs and Wormtail were going to unfriend us if they found out? We avoided eye contact as far a possible because we knew, we knew in our hearts if we looked each other in the eyes for too long, we wouldn't have been able to resist snogging or do something as inappropriate.
Do you remember when we came out, it was us against the world? Us - one part half breed, one part deviant Black, whole part unconventional. It was us, us against the world.
But now, now it is you against me. Somehow this doesn't add up; the equation is skewed, becoming undefined because you were my denominator, my rock. Now you're becoming zero and the equation doesn't work anymore. Now with Prongs, Lily and Wormtail gone, the equation will never be balanced, will it?
Perhaps you don't remember what we had, perhaps you don't remember anything, perhaps you don't care. But I am writing to you, I am writing to you to remind you of these things. This sounds silly - but its true - because I am still holding out hope that maybe, just maybe, I can get you back.
I don't know why I decided to write this letter. This in itself feels like a betrayal to James and Lily. But I had to write it - I had to get everything off of my chest. Maybe I am going crazy, and this is some last ditch effort to deny reality.
I know I can't do anything about what happened, can't do anything about what is going to happen. My heart wants to hold out hope, but my brain tells me I shouldn't. I write this letter, then what? Why create hope for myself just to crash down as hard as I had in the beginning?
I am so conflicted, Sirius. Somewhere inside of me, somehow, a little part of me screams. Screams at me to trust you Sirius. Trust what we had, trust you.
So, if this counts for anything - remember one time after the full moon we were in the hospital wing alone, and you were watching my blood seep through the bandages, tracing white ridges of past scars, and you gazed into my eyes. You told me I was perfect, that I didn't deserve any of this. I laughed, because it was ridiculous; I told you could I never be perfect because of my infliction, because I would lose my mind and tear myself apart every lunar cycle and leave behind these ugly marks.
You didn't break eye contact, you told me it wasn't my fault, that in your eyes, I would forever be perfect.
There was a silence, because I didn't know how to react, because that was the first time I received so much tenderness from someone. In that moment, I felt so loved, it made me feel scared. What would I do without you?
It was awhile before I said, "If you be the one the cut me, I would bleed forever. I can recover from the full moon, Sirius, but I can never heal from you hurting me."
You squeezed my hands and placed your delicate lips on mine. You told me you would never do that.
You promised, Sirius. I guess it doesn't matter to you anymore, does it? You went and cut away a part of me I never knew I needed.
I can't help myself, but I want to know, I need to know, do you still love me?
Given the circumstances, I shouldn't love you anymore, but I do. I can't help it, Sirius, I fucking love you. I am so confused, Sirius, because I blame you for James and Lily's death, I'm so angry with you, but I love you, so much. Love's blind, they said. Now I know that that's true.
This isn't how it was supposed to end, Sirius.
Desperately,
Your Moony
PS: I don't even know if you would receive this, but like every question I posed in this letter, I can only hope.
A/N: I hope you enjoyed my story :) Also, I would like to know if you people would be interested to see Sirius' reply to this letter. As of now, this is a one-shot. I have plans to continue with Sirius' reply but I am not sure. What do you think? Please leave me a review to tell me. Please take in mind - constructive criticisms are welcomed but flames are not.
OH YEAH I included a math pun (when a zero is a denominator it's undefined) AHAH I'm sorry I couldn't help myself.
This is a one-shot written for the Pairing Diversity Boot Camp Challenge. Prompt used: (30) "If you be the one to cut me, I will bleed forever." Romantic Paring: Wolfstar; Remus x Sirius
