I felt like throwing up. I don't think i had ever ran so fast. In a panic inducing state i had ran all the way home to my empty, lonely house and slammed the door of my empty, lonely bedroom. I collapsed in the bed in a flood of hot tears. This was not happening, this had to be a sick nightmare but the fresh cuts that had left an eternal itch reminded me that this , this was very much happening. i screamed, screamed into my pillow. And in a moment of blinding clarity, a thought popped into my head, a thought that had never, ever occurred to me before " in death you can't feel heartbreak" it was as clear and as simple as day.
There was a solution, a solution to the torture of living without him. It was easy really . I didn't want to be here anymore, i absolutely refused to live through this pure and utter torment of been completely shut out off from the one i love.. No a word such as love was too simple, too common to describe this, this was deep ,set in your bones, will never fade pure adoration for such a perfect human, no amount of alcohol, loud music, random fucking from strangers would make this hurt any less. I wasn't going to do it, not anymore, the strongest thing I could do for my pathetic weak self was to put self out of my misery. Like a homeless, unwanted animal.. rather than staying in a place where there are simply not factored into the equation, I might as well fucking die and in a heartbeat i was off tears streaming down my face as i ran the bath , the hot tap on scalding. I crumbled to the floor . I was minutes away from ending my pain , I wouldn't have to wake up my mother up at 4am sobbing about how much i missed him that it actually felt as my heart would fall out of my chest ,i wouldn't have to drop my groceries and bolt out the supermarket after hearing one of their songs on the shop radio, i wouldn't have to see him with any other girls. That thought left a fucking hole in my heart. Beautiful stunning leggy girls with perfect teeth who could give him everything i never could. This was ending and relief coursed through me like poison, i climbed into the piping hot bath, it was like acid, it nipped my skin leaving it red and angry but i didn't care. This was finally ending.
I closed my eyes as i slipped under the deep bath, taps still running. The water enveloped me like a demon dragging me under... I wouldn't have to see his face ever again, oh god his face, his beautiful angel like face, a face i would never see the sun reflect on again, or how he lights up like a Christmas tree when he is on stage, i would never hear his stupid puns or his loud laugh or his drunken dances. A lightning bolt of fear hit me. No. I couldn't not see his face, I gasped as i dragged myself out of the water, spluttering and gulping. I climbed out throwing myself on the cool tiles. He may not want me but I would always, always want him. My heart was fucking breaking and i had cried ocean over him and this excruciatingly pain was eating me alive but God, I had to be alive in a world where he still existed. I fucking hated him
