it's like walking with the wounded,
carrying that weight way too far,
concrete pulled you down so hard,
out there with the wounded - missing you.
well i never claimed to understand what happens after dark,
but my fingers catch sparks at the thought of touching you.
Quinn smiled.
It was brief, a fleeting dance across her features. And then it was gone. If well-wishes could make everthing better, Rachel would have already created the perfect world. She had such shining optimism - she was a dreamer. And Quinn wasn't. Quinn was a realist. She knew that bad things happened, and they happened to everyone. They happened to her with such frequency that she wanted to believe in Rachel but past experience taught her otherwise.
"Everything's going to be fine, Quinn." Rachel assured her, reaching forward to take Quinn's hand loosely in her own. Quinn tried to hide her slight jump at the contact, but Rachel just smiled blissfully on as if nothing in the world mattered outside of them right at that moment. Quinn desperately wanted everything to be fine. "No one even knows, really. Only a few people in Glee club." She offered, trying to be supportive.
"I know." Quinn said, but she didn't know. She just put her faith in Rachel's chatter as they walked back to her house, hand in hand.
–––
The first day back at school was not as fine as Rachel promised her it would be. Coach Sylvester had given her time off the Cheerio's - time off that she couldn't refuse, try as she might. "I don't need you falling apart on top of that pyramid, Q. Give it a few weeks." And though it was brusque, as they passed one another in the hall, it was the closest Quinn knew she'd get to sympathy from the woman. She might not know the full story, but the older woman wrangled up a tender smile Quinn had never seen on her face before.
"Should we hold hands?" Rachel leaned over to whisper in her ear, and then caught herself abruptly. "Are we dating?" She asked, turning a chunk of hair around her finger as she pondered the situation.
As if their weekend of cuddling on the couch meant nothing. Rachel had tucked Quinn protectively against her chest despite the height difference. Instead of musicals, Rachel had picked out an assortment of movies from her cabinet. "I didn't know what sort of films you liked, so I got one from every genre."She had stated, proud of herself, kneeling on the floor beneath Quinn like she was a queen. And slowly Quinn let her eyes rove over the titles, before pointing to some B-grade comedy.
She wasn't up to watching a romance at that time. They'd cuddled up through the film, forcing laughter when the movie clearly asked for it. Rachel's mouth hovered by her ear, making comments about the poor acting in the film - she obviously didn't understand it was made intentionally bad. Quinn laughed along all the same, quiet and airy and if it was lacking Rachel said nothing.
But Quinn didn't know if they were dating. She wanted to say yes. Rachel was so sweet, she went above and beyond what any of the other boys had. Sometimes her filter cut out and she would say things that were a little... out of order, but that was just Rachel. She was this unique creature Quinn simply couldn't understand. And she was intrigued as to why someone like her would stick around - would want - someone like Quinn after all that had passed between them.
There was her reputation to think of, too. People already gave her sly, sideways looks in the hall. Maybe that was part Rachel, dressed up in vintage glamour and neatly glued to her side, and maybe that was part gossip. Someone must have figured it out now - a good number of jocks had intervened in the... the fight. They'd figure it out soon, if they hadn't already.
Quinn tried not to shrink beneath their knowing gazes. She didn't want their pity. She stuck her chest out in a pale, printed dress, raised her head high, and tried to ignore them all. Quinn had not gotten where she was today by feeling sorry for herself. She had risen from the ashes of a fat, ugly girl into the creature she was now, and Quinn would evolve again. When it came down to it, she either made herself stronger or she fell. The only way to go was up.
"Quinn." Rachel whispered after a while, gently resting one hand on her elbow and guiding her into the bathroom. "You look like you're going to cry."
–––
Glee felt like the only normal part of the day. Rachel had been sitting next to Quinn for a while now, and so no one cared that they continued on the same pattern. Mr Shuester was as awkward as ever, always looking at Quinn. She didn't like it. They acted like she was fragile - something that was going to shatter and break if they said the wrong thing. She wasn't. Quinn Fabray was strong.
She was unbreakable, physically. Her body healed. There were scars, but they were lightening. One day, Rachel had assured her from her laptop, the scars would disappear completely - provided they received proper care. Every morning she would routinely rub oil into the scar that echoed pain as she ran her fingers over it. Quinn could not yet bring herself to touch the mark on her shoulder.
And mentally she was easy to destroy. Quinn knew she would crumble and fall, like a castle built on sand. She just couldn't afford to break. Rachel already worried about her enough, and cared about her more than her own mother did. Quinn couldn't add one more thing to her list of worries. It was just too much for Rachel to have to put up with.
Bad enough already that she wanted damaged goods.
"This weeks assignment is triumph." Mr Schue wrote on the board in large letters, underlining the word several times as he was prone to. "I want to hear songs about succeeding, about overcoming great odds to come out on top. Inspirational stuff." Quinn couldn't decipher his meaningful look. She had a feeling this was all for her - but what had she truly overcome?
Nothing.
She'd just run away like she did from all her problems, left it to Rachel and Miss Pillsbury to sort out because she just wasn't able to herself.
"I know just the song." Mercedes said from somewhere behind Quinn. The girl got up and began to sing passionately, the band struggling to keep up with the impromptu concert. Rachel placed her hand on Quinn's thigh, smiling and singing back-up vocals.
–––
Quinn spent more and more of her time at Rachel's house. Puck offered to drive both of them home after Glee, and Rachel happily accepted. Quinn rode in the front seat, trying to keep up with Puck's conversation about football season. "Sucks not having you on the Cheerio's, Quinn." He commented, turning slowly into Rachel's drive. "Looks kinda depressing without the Queen Bee out there."
She mustered up a quiet smile. "I'll be back in the next few weeks. Coach Sylvester can't keep me out forever." Quinn was looking forward to returning to the Cheerio's. She needed it. It was a distraction - she could focus her mind on the routine, and not on other things. No matter what she was doing, somehow her thoughts always drifted back to one topic. Matthew.
"Thank you for the lift." Rachel said, hopping out of the back seat and leaving Quinn and Puck sitting together in the front.
Quinn picked her bag up off the floor. "Thanks." She said, but Puck held out a hand to stop her.
"Just wait up a sec, Quinn." He said. Rachel looked back at them both, before nodding and heading in the house.
"What is it?" Quinn asked, turning in her seat. Her relationship with Puck had been a strange one. For a while there had been moments she'd expect the two of them to get back together - if only for Beth's sake. After he had intervened in the fight with Matthew, she had come to resent him. But Puck had been trying to make up for it. He was watching out for her, offering to take her books and walk her to class - that is, whenever Rachel wasn't doing the same. Quinn wasn't sure whether she was frustrated that they treated her that way or flattered.
Puck scratched the side of his head. "I just want you to know that I'll be around whenever you need me, okay?" There was a kind of love in his eyes, but not what it had once been. It was fierce and protective - brotherly, almost. "I can help you out with anything. Including anyone who gives you trouble, right?" At his heart, Puck was a good guy. Quinn wanted the best for him, even if that didn't include her. If you looked past the infidelity issues, he did have some amount of honour. He was a gentleman most of the time.
"Thank you." Quinn said, wanting to do something: squeeze his hand or kiss his cheek, just to show that she appreciated it.
But she couldn't. Not when sitting there made her think of another front seat with another driver, and the smoke could cloud her vision just enough to be uncertain as to whether it was Puck or Matthew there.
She just smiled and let herself out of his car.
–––
Movies had been Rachel's token way to distract Quinn. They didn't require much thought, and there were no words necessary. Sometimes Quinn liked the silence, but tonight she wanted to do something else. Something for Rachel.
Working through her mixed feelings was a hard, slow process. Rachel had assured her after the park that she wasn't going to force Quinn to do anything. "I meant what I said. I'll tell you you're beautiful every day of my life if I have to." There was no obligation there for Quinn to love her, to say anything of the sort back. It was love, complete and honest and open and free.
Finding the words for what she felt was hard. She wanted to love Rachel. She wanted something like that to call her own, but after being burned so many times she was understandably cautious. Even though Quinn knew Rachel would never hurt her, she would sometimes jump at movement in the corner of her eye. No matter which one of them apologised - usually both - Quinn would always hurt at the pained look in Rachel's eyes.
She hurt when Rachel hurt. She was happy when Rachel was happy. That was what they had - it might not be dating, it might not be love, but it was something. "Sit down." Quinn commanded.
Rachel glanced up from where she was rummaging through her bag. "What? Why? I have to get my homework out." Despite her protests, Rachel sat down in the chair in front of her vanity.
Quinn remember sitting on that chair herself, having tiny shards of glass dug from her back. It wasn't the most pleasant memory. "I don't know." Quinn said, and it was more truthful than anything else she could've said. "I want to do something for you."
Rachel immediately flushed. "Like what?" Her voice was small and unsure.
"Just sit still." Quinn said with a smile, and began to run her hand through the twin ponytails Rachel had pulled her hair up into that morning. Quinn wove her fingers through the strands before gently coaxing the hair ties out. Slowly her hands ran up along the hair to Rachel's scalp, gently massaging her. "My mother would give my father a massage most nights." Quinn offered. It was the only real intimacy her parents had shown one another. They kissed, but it was rare. The massage was just something Quinn had instinctively seen as loving. More-so than hugs or kisses or where they both led.
Rachel sat stiff for a moment, before relaxing into Quinn's hands. "Oh." She said.
–––
Rachel spent most afternoons of Quinn's Cheerio practice sitting on the bleachers watching her.
Panting and sweating, Quinn went to grab her gym bag with the other girls. Brittany and Santana flanked her - a constant presence as they'd always been. "What's that?" Brittany asked as Quinn drew out her water bottle, dislodging a tiny object from her bag and sending it fluttering to the ground.
Quinn bent over to pick it up. It was a tiny origami star, no bigger than her thumbnail. Santana and Brittany leaned over her, curious, as Quinn began to unfold the intricate creation. And there, written in Rachel's looping script (tiny star dotting the i and all) was:
You top the pyramid of my heart.
Santana snorted. "That is the lamest thing I've ever heard." She said. "Sounds like Little Miss Berry has a crush on you. With all that time you're spending with her, I'm not surprised."
Quinn tried to mask her smile with her water bottle, but it didn't work.
–––
They didn't kiss after that time in the park. Rachel respected Quinn's boundaries, and her strange way of showing affection. It had become a routine for them. Quinn didn't often touch Rachel, other than to massage her. It was all innocent - shoulders, back, scalp.
With Rachel, she was taking it slow - whatever it was. Her Dad's had had no problems with Quinn basically moving in, and they told her that she was free to stay as long as she needed. Quinn wasn't sure what Rachel had said to them - whether they were dating or just friends who happened to touch each other a lot and one party happened to send constant nice messages to the other...
What they were, in her mind, was Quinn and Rachel.
That was what they were to everyone at school, and Quinn had sought to keep it that way. They were only two months out from graduation, and if she could get out of McKinley without suddenly being outed or something, it would be for the best. Not that she was gay, really. Quinn didn't know what she was. Perhaps desperate for real love constituted a sexuality. If it did, that was her to a tee.
–––
Tuesday's were a miserable day. Quinn and Rachel had first period together, and everything after that was separate until Glee. They'd been walking to English when Quinn overheard two guys talking by the lockers.
"They all said he beat her up." One of the boys said, casting a very obvious look across Quinn's frame. She paused, lips drawing into a thin line. Rachel turned to watch them.
"Good thing, too." The other one said, lounging up against the locker as if he invited a challenge. He knew that they could hear him, and maybe that was what made him talk. "I was sick of that bitch strutting around like she owned the joint."
It couldn't have been anyone else. Quinn Fabray owned - had owned the school. She felt her blood run cold. "We should go." The old Quinn - the bitch, as the junior so openly called her - would have had his life made a living Hell for that one. This Quinn didn't want to be involved. This Quinn was more content to blend into the background beside Rachel, and most other students were happy to let her do so.
Quinn knew someone looking for a fight when she saw them. She also knew Rachel in fight mode when she saw it.
This event contained both of those things.
"Don't you ever speak about her like that again." Rachel demanded, storming right up to the pair and striking the rude one across the face. It echoed loud in the hall and everyone turned to look at her. Quinn shrunk back against the lockers. "No one ever deserves to go through this, and they certainly don't deserve to have someone telling them that."
Rachel looked furious - on the verge of angry tears. Quinn stood by, opened-mouth. Teachers, upon hearing the commotion, were starting to investigate. "Condoning abuse makes you just as bad." Rachel said, fists clenched by her side.
"Break it up!" A teacher called from behind the forming ring of students, as Rachel stepped back beside Quinn.
"See how many girls want to date you now that they know you like people hitting them." Rachel stated, looking near smug, as the girls in the ring surrounding them watched on in awe.
She took Quinn's arm in her own and walked her to class.
–––
Later that day Quinn sat in Glee, the seat beside her unusually devoid.
"Has anyone seen Rachel?" Mr Schue asked the class, but everyone was quiet, glancing anxiously down at Quinn.
As if on cue, the brunette burst in through the door. "The nerve of him!" She shouted, slushie dripping from her face.
Quinn stood up, moving to her side on autopilot. "Rachel, what happened? Did they -"
She wasn't given a chance to respond. Rachel stood in front of her, quietly sized her up, and then hooked one arm around her neck and pulled Quinn into a kiss. The blonde stumbled forward at the sudden assault, mouth still open on her question.
Quinn couldn't hear what the others in Glee said. She was sure someone had taken a photo or a video and here was laughter and possibly applause, but all she could sense was Rachel. She tasted cold and slightly grape-y, but beneath that there was something warm and distinctly her and Quinn just couldn't put any words to it.
When they broke, Rachel was panting. And then she realised what she'd done. Her mouth opened and closed a few times. "Oh, Quinn, I'm sorry I just -"
It was Quinn's turn to cut her off.
–––
"The Queerio's is becoming quite a popular term in the school, following video evidence of you and Miss Berry engaging in the act of making out in Glee." Jacob Ben-Israel probed, hounding Quinn as she walked out to Cheerio's practice. "Not to mention Brittany and Santana were caught fooling around on campus... on many different occasions." He added, sniffling for measure as he practically pressed the recorder into Quinn's mouth.
Quinn sighed. "What's your point?" She asked, Coach Sylvester already getting the cheerleaders to start warming up in front of her. They were just far away enough that the woman couldn't hear them clearly - if she could she might have killed Jacob for the Queerio remark.
"My point is that you and Rachel are dating, are you not?"
Dating. Her and Rachel dating. It was something that had come up in Quinn's mind before - many, many times. She'd thought about it as they shared a bed, holding hands because Quinn couldn't bear to sleep alone, not after having laid in Matthew's bed bloodied and raw and alone and cold before. She'd thought about it as she drew her hands down Rachel's back, working out the knots in her left shoulder. That was where they formed when she was worrying about her NYADA acceptance - something that was happening more and more lately. Quinn wondered about it when she noticed the fact that she could tell what Rachel was worried about due to what muscles needed the most attention at night.
She'd thought about it when she'd stepped into Church for the first time since meeting Matthew. Rachel looked so out of place at her side but she went through with it. She'd wondered as she sat there whether God would be okay with her and Rachel holding hands in the pew. And then she realised she didn't care what God though, she hadn't when she'd gotten pregnant and she certainly didn't now that God had taken her mother on a pilgrimage overseas to help her fill that void the loss of her husband had left, careless about her abused and possibly now lesbian teenage daughter.
Quinn had thought about it when Santana and Brittany had come up to her after that Glee club meeting, smiling. Brittany took Santana's hand in her own, and the Latina said nothing. "Maybe we can double date sometime. San loves Breadstix." Brittany had chimed, leaning forward to kiss her cheek. Santana had given her this knowing look, but there was something soft there. A thanks. Brittany had dragged her out into the hall chattering happily about their plans for the evening.
She'd thought about it every time she plucked out a tiny origami star from her bag, beside the bed, on her cutlery at breakfast, on her seat at Glee. Each one held a different message. Sometimes they were cute and sweet, sometimes they were terrible puns that were just oh-so endearing Quinn couldn't stop smiling for a half hour. Every time she kissed Rachel she thought about it because Rachel looked expectantly at her like she wanted her to say something and Quinn just couldn't find the word and her mouth had better places to be.
She thought about it now, as Rachel held her customary spot in the bleachers. Instead of working on her homework or a Glee club performance like she typically did, she held up a sign. It was yellow and cut out in the shape of a star. From where she stood, Quinn could make out the words "WIll you go out with me?" The Cheerio's noticed, pointing up and talking loudly about it. Some looked happy - others laughed behind their hands. All eyes, though, were on Quinn, even as Coach Sylvester began yelling for them to do laps.
"Yes." Quinn whispered, breathless, watery eyes trained on the figure in the stands.
"Was that a yes to my question or Rachel's proposition?" Jacob asked, and then corrected himself, now talking into the recorder. "Never mind."
"Yes!" Quinn called out, louder this time. Rachel obviously heard, as she set down the sign and ran out of the stands.
And so it came to be that Quinn and Rachel were dating.
–––
"Do you believe in love at first sight?" Rachel asked as they lay in bed, Quinn staring at the ceiling and Rachel toying with her hair.
"Not really." Quinn sad honestly. When she'd first seen Rachel she was everything she didn't like - dorky and more interested in school than popularity. After Rachel had kissed her, she still hadn't loved her. That had developed. Love wasn't an instant thing. It took time, and it took work, and in the end it was worth it.
Rachel hummed thoughtfully. "I think I do."
–––
author's notes: a sequel to paradise to celebrate 10k views. for the wonderful patronustrip on tumblr who liveblogged reading paradise and made my week. if there is a want for it, i might continue this, too. :) let me know what you guys think! 3
