Disclaimer: Yeah right. I would have more than 32.04 in my bank account right now.
Spoilers: Post series.
A/N: So I was reading the blog of a friend who lost her son to SIDS. She talked about going back in time and warning herself. I wondered if Scully would want to go back and warn herself, and if it would change anything.
I took liberties with William's age.... I think he was born in February, and Scully gave him up the next fall... and the rest of season 9 was spread out so the last episode took place in May.
He was 8 months old when I let him go. A full, chubby face, inquisitive smile, his father's eyes. If I would have known what I would have to do, maybe I would have held him more. Kissed his cheek just one more time. Tickled his belly and cuddled him close, nursed him as much as I could. I would have mentally catalogued his smiles, his giggles and gurgles. Every blink, every sigh. I would have told him how much I love him, how much I always will, no matter what. I would have taken more pictures, stayed up nights watching him sleep.
If I could go back and warn myself, would that be enough? The truth is that warning myself wouldn't change anything. I could've held him more, breathed in that perfect baby scent and stared at his face, but I would still yearn for him. I would still cry at night, still wake up with empty arms, void of his familiar weight. I would still close my eyes and concentrate to remember his tiny snore in my ear. Even with the warning, I would still wake up eager for his spit bubbles and gummy smile. I would still think of him whenever I ran a bath, I would still kept his baby blanket and rattle close at hand.
Even with the warning, all the extras, nothing would ease this pain. My heart would still shatter every moment of life, every second that I was away from my sweet baby boy.
