Let Me Go

I don't own anything O.C. or Evanescence related, blah blah blah…

These songs and the last few episodes keep rattling around in my head because they struck a nerve in my personal life.

***

I wish that you would just leave
your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
                        Evanescence

***

Ryan emerged from the pool house, but stopped in time to see Marissa talking with Kirsten in the kitchen. He quickly darted around to the opposite side of the patio in order to avoid being seen.

He stood perfectly still and listened to the patio slider open, then Marissa's footsteps as she approached the pool house. She must have come by to try to give him a ride to school.

His plan was to wait until she went into the pool house; it wasn't like anyone ever waited to be let in anyway. As soon as he heard the door open, he'd slip down the catwalk to the beach. He'd be late for class, but at least he wouldn't have to deal with her right now.

"Ryan? Are you in here?" He heard Marissa's voice call out as she walked into the pool house.

Ryan silently walked down towards the beach. Sighing, he pulled a pack of smokes out from his backpack. School would still be there tomorrow. No matter how hard he tried, Marissa was always around: school, home, social events, even his dreams. He needed some space, some time to sort out the pain. He couldn't deal with her right now.

Deep down he knew that part of his anger was also directed at the Cohens, especially Seth, but he couldn't address his hurt and disappointment with them. They'd taken him in. He'd been some punk-ass kid, fresh out of juvie, who could have stolen their car and emptied their house that first night. Instead they'd trusted him, and they'd let him stay. Then they became his legal guardians, and Seth was like his brother, a better brother than Trey had ever been.

His thoughts went back to Marissa, to the first time they'd kissed on the Ferris wheel. He'd told her that he'd trusted her. To him, it was the same as if he'd told her that he loved her. She'd kissed him passionately and all had seemed right with the world.

Then for some reason she'd gotten into some funk. The shoplifting. The drinking. He thought that he'd reached out to her, but in hindsight, he really hadn't been there for her at all. He'd covered up her shoplifting, he hadn't really asked her what was wrong, and he'd shushed her when she tried to talk about her mom.

So she'd gone to a shrink, where she'd met Oliver. She'd thought that Oliver really understood her, listened to her. Oliver did what Ryan himself had failed to do, and he'd seen it all happening right in front of his face.

He hadn't wanted to see that his beautiful girlfriend was just as fucked up as he was. The anger that was directed at himself over letting her down was worse than what he felt towards either her or the Cohens.

Now, she wanted to go back to the way things were, to forget that Oliver had never come between them. It wasn't just Oliver, couldn't she get that? She wasn't entirely the problem, but she was the only one he could deal with. She was the only one he could take his anger out on, and that scared him.

He couldn't be with her because he knew that eventually he was going to lash out and hurt her. This realization made him walk faster, but no matter how fast he walked, he couldn't shake what was burning within him.

That he was just like his mother.

***

When Marissa walked back into the main house without Ryan, Kirsten tried to act casual. "Maybe he left early to go to study hall?"

Nice try Kirsten, they both knew the truth, Ryan must've taken off when he saw her coming. Now, as she sat in English Lit, she looked over to the empty desk where Ryan should be sitting. He was ditching school again. "Study hall my ass," she whispered under her breath. He'd been ditching school a lot since Dr. Kim and the board had dropped his suspension.

She looked over at Luke who was watching her gazing at Ryan's empty desk.

His look said it all, "This is all your fault."

***

Seth kept looking out the window as Mr. Hand droned on and on about the history of the Spanish Inquisition. He wished that he knew how to fix this mess with Ryan. He knew that he'd screwed up about Oliver. How could he have ever been so blinded by that pretentious trust fund prick? The old Seth Cohen never would have been suckered by Oliver; he represented everything that Seth hated about Newport.

And yet, somehow, he'd been suckered just like the rest, and he'd turned his back on Ryan. Everyone had been suckered by Oliver except Luke. Seth couldn't believe that Luke had been a better friend to Ryan than he had. Ryan was his brother now, and he'd seriously fucked up.

Ryan had said that he'd forgiven Seth, but things weren't back to normal. His parents didn't even know that Ryan was ditching school and was sneaking out of the house at all hours of the night. He wanted to tell them, but he was afraid of making Ryan retreat any further.