Emma: Where the hell are we?
Hook: I was just about to ask the same question, love.
Henry: Weren't we just in Storybrook?
Mary Margaret: That's what I thought.
David: Hey, what does that writing on the wall say?
Hook: 'Willoffire123 doesn't own Once Upon a Time'
Willoffire123: Congratulations Hook! You passed the test.
Hook: Excuse me?
Willoffire123: (not listening) In reward, I'm making you the Damsel in Distress for this story.
Hook: Wait, what-
Willoffire123: (teleports Hook through portal)
Emma: What did you do to him?
Willoffire123: Oh good, a love interest. You get to be the one who rescues him.
Emma: Say what now?
Willoffire123: You heard me. Now read the writing below the disclaimer.
Emma: On with the chapter?
Willoffire123: There you go! You're getting the hang of this already!
Mary Margaret: Wait! But what did you do with Hook?
Willoffire123: You'll just have to wait and see.
Hook
For most definitely not the first time in his life, Killian Jones, aka Captain Hook, was drunk. Not as drunk as a skunk, mind you, but still slightly tipsy. And for that reason, when Emma, his eternal fascination, came to him, of all people, to entertain her son Henry, Hook did something he'd never done before when he was drunk. He went to the bathroom of Granny's Diner, dunked his head under the tap, slapped his face a few times, and put on his best sober face for Henry.
After all, Emma asked him to watch Henry. How could he say no?
"So, you want to go for a sail?" he asked casually as they strolled along the docks. Hook loved the docks. Whenever he needed time to think, his legs would subconsciously take him to the docks. The smell of saltwater, the crying gulls, and the sharp, ocean breeze always helped him clear his head.
"That's all I seem to do these days," Henry said glumly. "One of mom's 'old friends' takes me out on a boat while she goes off and works on her case."
"You know she's just looking out for you, mate," said Hook, quickly glancing over his shoulder before refocusing on Henry. He could be wrong, but Hook couldn't shake this feeling that they weren't alone.
"I know, it's just that everyone keeps acting like there's something going on that I'm too young to understand," Henry said, frustrated. "I just want answers."
Before Hook could answer, a shrill scream pierced the air, causing Hook's already pounding head to throb in agony. The next thing Hook registered was a giant, dark creature hurtling straight for him and Henry, then his instincts kicked in, and he tackled Henry, pulling the both of them behind the boathouse.
"What was that thing, Killian?" demanded Henry, sounding frightened.
Hook chanced a glance around the wall to see not one, but four winged monkeys circling above the water, their red eyes searching for him and Henry.
"A winged monkey," he told Henry. "And he brought friends."
Henry looked horrified. "How is that even possible?"
The first monkey focused its red, demonic eyes on Hook's, and lunged.
"Let's act now, and ask questions later, mate," said Hook, pulling out his flintlock. Taking a deep breath, he whipped around the corner, fired the flintlock, and ducked back behind the corner, the wail and explosion telling him he'd found his mark.
"Where did you get that?" asked Henry. "Can I have one?"
"Absolutely not," Hook snapped. "I need you to do exactly as I say, understood? If I tell you to follow me, you stick to me like glue. If I tell you to run, you run like hell. Am I clear?"
Henry gulped. "Yes sir!"
"Good," said Hook, already leaving his cover to face the last three. "Now stay there."
He should have expected it, but the three remaining monkeys circled around him, and attacked all at once. Only problem was that there were three of them, and he only had one pistol.
"Killian!" cried Henry in alarm. Hook put his bullet right between Monkey #1's evil, red eyes, simultaneously stabbing Monkey #2 in the gut with his hook. Both monkeys, like the first, exploded into orange vapor with a wail.
However, there was still one left. And Hook was out of weapons when it attacked.
"No!" shrieked Henry, but it was too late. Hook howled in pain as the monkey dug its claws into his back, and hung there. Hook thrashed about, desperately trying to get the monkey off his back, but that only served to make it madder, deepening its grip on Hook's flesh.
"Get off me, monster!" Hook growled. But the monkey had other ideas, instead sinking its razor sharp teeth into Hook's shoulder.
Red spots blossomed to life in Hook's vision. All he could see anymore was the pain. He heard a faint sound of Henry screaming, a gunshot, then all that was left was the pain.
Except, now there was a voice shouting at him.
"Hook, listen to me! You are not going into shock. You're going to be fine. Now open your eyes!"
Hook didn't understand. Why couldn't this person just leave him alone to deal with his pain? He just wanted to sleep and never wake up again. Was that really too much to ask?
"Killian, open your eyes right now!" ordered the voice. This time, Hook knew who it was.
Emma.
And if Emma told him he needed to open his eyes, then he really had no other choice.
With a groan, Hook opened his eyes.
Somehow, he'd wound up on the ground without noticing. Odd. Emma was kneeling over him, holding his hand, fixing him with a look of concern that he'd never seen her give before.
At least, he'd never seen her give him that look before.
Henry was on the other side of him, looking equally concerned and horrified. Also surrounding him were Mary Margaret, David, and Regina.
"What happened to you, Hook?" demanded Regina.
"Hook? What are you talking about? His name's not Hook, it's-," started Henry.
"I'll explain everything in a minute, Henry," said Emma. "But right now, he takes priority. You heard her, Hook, what happened to you?"
Hook wanted to explain. He wanted to warn Emma about the monkeys, and the wicked witch, and everything. But he just couldn't. All he could comprehend at that moment was the pain.
"Where does it hurt?" Mary Margaret asked kindly.
All Hook could do was groan in response. He wanted to use words, really, he did, but they just weren't working at that moment. He felt something sticky under his hand, and his back, and everywhere, really.
Blood, his blood.
Well that wasn't good.
"These questions are getting us nowhere," Regina snapped. "He's losing blood fast. We need to heal him."
For once in his life, Hook felt like he could hug the Evil Queen. Well, he would, if he could that is.
"Can you fix him, Regina?" demanded Emma, sounding almost frantic. She began unbuttoning Hook's coat with trembling fingers.
Regina waved a glowing blue hand over Hook's chest, and Hook felt a soothing sensation coat his chest, but only momentarily, then everything hurt again, and he groaned.
"This'll take a while," said Regina.
"Good, then you can fill me in," Henry said indignantly. "What's going on?"
Hook watched Emma stand, and panic clouded his brain. Why was she leaving? She wouldn't leave him alone, would she? She was! She was about to abandon him again!
Hook struggled furiously to sit up, to no avail.
"It's okay, Hook," David reassured him. "She's not going anywhere."
That didn't exactly reassure him, but Hook tried to calm down. For Emma's sake, at least. She must be doing something important to take her eyes off him. He was devilishly handsome, after all. Sure enough, Hook saw her handing the storybook to Henry, a flash of golden light, then there was lots of hugging and cries of joy.
"I remember everything!" exclaimed Henry, hugging Regina. "Mom!"
Regina momentarily forgot about Hook to hug her son, giving him a kiss to the forehead. And just like that, Zelena's curse was broken too, and there were more hugs and more cries of joy.
All Hook could think about, however, was the agonizing lack of that soothing sensation he'd felt when Regina was healing him. He didn't want to intrude on their happy moment, so he tried to suffer in silence, but Emma seemed to notice him, and her face fell.
God, he hated making her look like that. He saw Emma barking something at Regina, but the only thing he could hear anymore was the roaring in his ears. He decided that now, he had the right to close his eyes.
And close his eyes he did, slipping almost instantly into blissful unconsciousness.
Emma
"What are you doing? Hook needs you!" Emma snapped at Regina.
"I'm sorry if reuniting with my son takes priority over your boyfriend," Regina sneered. However, she did turn back to Hook and continue her healing process.
Emma blinked. Did she really just snap at Regina?
*You had no choice; Hook's in trouble,* she told herself. But why did she care so much? Maybe it was because she'd asked Hook to watch Henry. Yes, that must have been it.
"How is he, Regina?" asked Mary Margaret.
"Like I said, his wounds are deep," said Regina. "This will take a while. I've staunched the bleeding, but if someone could get him to the hospital, that would be helpful."
"Hook, can you hear me?" asked Emma, kneeling down beside him again. "We're going to get you to the hospital now. You're going to be okay."
No response.
David knelt down and opened one of Hook's eyes.
"He's out cold," he determined, standing back up again.
"We need to get him to the hospital right now," said Mary Margaret.
"Preferably before those monkeys come back," Regina added.
"Now why would you want the monkeys when you can have me?" said the voice of the last person Emma wanted to see at that moment. With a poof of green smoke, the Wicked Witch of the West, also known as Zelena, materialized into existence, the captive Rumplestiltskin, or Mr. Gold, at her side.
Emma stood, pulling Henry behind her. "What do you want?"
"Well, you out of the picture, for one," said Zelena. "My dear little sister gone, Rumple to love me. Shall I go on?"
"How about I rephrase that for her?" said Mary Margaret, arrow knocked at Zelena's head. "Why are you here?"
"Down to the point," Zelena giggled. "I like it. Well, you see, Emma here is the only one who I can possibly see getting in the way of my plans, what with her white magic and all. I'm here to get rid of it."
"I'd like to see you try," Emma snarled, her hands already glowing. She shot two blasts of her magic at Zelena and Mr. Gold, only for the two of them to dematerialize, reappearing off to Emma's left.
"Oh, I'll do more than try, dear," said Zelena. "You're going to give your magic up, willingly."
"Like that's going to happen," scoffed David. "You can take her, Emma."
"Wait!" said Regina, never turning from her healing job. "Listen to her, for a moment."
"Are you insane?" demanded Mary Margaret.
"She sent those flying monkeys for a reason," Regina countered.
Emma pushed Henry farther behind her. "Regina, you're a genius."
"Mom?" asked Henry, confused.
"You're not taking Henry anywhere," said Emma.
Zelena rolled her eyes. "Please, I may be evil, but even I have morals. No kid should have to be separated from its mother the way I was."
"Don't listen to her," warned Mr. Gold. "She still needs Mary Margaret's baby for her time spell. And she killed my son!"
"As you can see," Zelena said through gritted teeth, waving the dagger controlling Mr. Gold to silence him. "Keeping healthy prisoners is a bit of a challenge. I don't have the time or room to keep both dear Rumple and Henry. What's the point? Henry will just escape before he's been useful."
Emma backed up slowly, racking her brain for answers. What was Zelena planning?
Then it dawned on her.
"You wouldn't dare," she said in a low voice.
Zelena smiled, and in that moment, Emma saw what true evil really looked like.
"Oh but I would," she said in an equally low voice. "If I can't take Henry-,"
"Regina! Get Hook out of here!" Emma cried desperately, but it was too late.
"I'll just have to settle for a half-dead pirate," finished Zelena, flicking the dagger.
Reluctantly, Mr. Gold made a tugging motion with his hand, and Hook flew towards them.
"No…" said Emma, dropping to her knees. She wanted to charge the witch, to take Hook, no, Killian back to safety, but her limbs forgot how to function.
Hook, being a good 50 pounds lighter without his vest, was just light enough for Zelena to pick him up by the back of his shirt collar.
"You're cute," she purred. "I think I'll take you back with me when I turn back the clock."
Hook's face contorted in pain, his freshly healed, then reopened wounds bleeding through the back of his shirt.
"Son of a bitch," cursed David, sprinting at Zelena.
"Get out of here, now!" said Mr. Gold, flicking David back with magic.
"David!" cried Mary Margaret, rushing to him.
"Put him down, sister," Regina said slowly, her hands glowing with magic.
"Hah! You think you can stop me?" she scoffed, pointing at a still shell-shocked Emma. "Only she has the power to stop me. Listen to me, Emma Swan. If you ever want to see your pirate again, come find us. We'll be waiting."
Finally, Emma remembered how to use her legs again, and she sprinted at Zelena.
"KILLIAN!" she screamed. But it was too late. Zelena and Rumplestiltskin were gone.
And Killian Jones, along with them.
Willoffire123: Here we go again!
Belle: What do you mean again? Have you done this before?
Willoffire123: Maybe…
Emma: (points gun at author) what did you do to Hook?
Belle: And Rumple!
Willoffire123: Oh please, Rumple's kidnapping is totally cannon! As for Hook-
(Willoffire123 waves a hand, turning Emma's gun into a hot dog)
Emma: (looks at hot dog) a hot dog? Really?
Willoffire123: I'm hungry! Sue me!
Regina: I believe a lunch break is in order.
Willoffire123: Good idea!
Emma: You haven't told me what you've done with Hook yet.
Belle: Or Rumple!
Willoffire123: You'll find out AFTER LUNCH!
Henry: Until next time!
