Hello! For those of you who don't know, this is basically a rewrite or fresh start of my book "Our Lives". I hope that it goes over well, or at least better than the last two versions of this book XD (Go read the last chapter of "Our Lives". The A/N explains this little inside joke.)
Also, this book is going to go in kind of a backwards story telling. So we're starting off at the present day, but as the story progresses you'll start getting past scenes and eventually piecing it all together; (Insert: Self Promo) kind of like my other TMNT fic "Patience".
Also, also, Angel (From 2003 Cartoon) is Mikey's age in this fiction (You: No one even knew her age to begin with...) So in one flashback she's twelve, so on the same age path as Mikey. Same for Woody (From IDW Comics).
And the final 'Also', is that some of the plot of my little fic is derived from the book "What They Always Tell Us" by Martin Wilson. (Amazing book btw ;D) But surprisingly, I actually used this title without thinking about the book (Been a while since I read it) and thought the title sounded familiar. Surprise, surprise, I used a copyrighted title. Good going me. Good going. Also, so there are no spoilers about some of the plot I 'borrowed' from the book for my fic, DON'T google the book. *Literally everyone goes to google it* (slight, again I like making stories my own, that's what I write for.)
M'kay; I'm Done.
Anyways, like I always say, LastDream away! (I made all that match, man I'm good. [Remember when Raphie said it in "Touch and Go"? You better.])
Triggers/Warnings:
MAY CONTAIN (WILL CONTAIN VULGAR LANGUAGE), GORE AND SELF HARM, DEPRESSION, BULLIES, AND MORE IN THIS AND/OR IN FUTURE CHAPTERS!
Disclaimer:
I Don't Own Four Freaking Turtles And A Rat; Happy? I also don't own, "What They Always Tell Us". That amazing book, is written by Martin Wilson and published by Dell Publishing. The Turtles were originally conceived by Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird and published into a comic series by Mirage Studios in 1984. Yeah, I know my facts.
What They Always Tell Us
Chapter 1 – Voice
"Mikey!"
"I'm going, I'm going!" Michelangelo yelled back down to his older brother, Leonardo.
Mikey stopped struggling with his shoes as he bounced up and down on one foot trying to slip them on. He found himself staring in the mirror.
He had curly light brown hair, which everyone called a mop, and his freckles were very easy to see. He had baby blue eyes and he was a short and stocky kid. He wasn't, by any means, fat, he just had a thicker build than his older brothers. He frowned, then smiled. He was testing which way looked better for good impression on the first day back since break.
'Well, I'm not scary, even when I scowl. I look better smiling…'
He tried looking frightening.
'Yeah… I should just stick to smiling.'
"MIKEY!" Came the loud pounding and thundering voice of his other older brother, Raphael.
"Get out of tha fuckin' bedroom, Mike! We're gonna leave now, an' if ya ain't with us- "
"I'm going, I'm. GOING!" Mikey snapped angrily. Mikey was not looking forward to school. Or anything anymore. His normally optimistic attitude was gone and so was his cheer. He'd been able to fool his family that he was happy and okay until the recent weeklong break. Then, he was stuck inside with his family, receiving horrible messages from other kids in school, and no way to release his stress and sadness and frustration. His family had been upset with him. Normally, Mikey was prancing and dancing when Christmas time came around; an entire month early. But recently? Mikey just… felt empty.
His brothers noticed in mid-late November about their little brother's stale behavior and took winter break as an opportunity to find out what was wrong with him and pressure him to open up, but Mikey refused to let them know. It wasn't their responsibility or their business. And eventually his brothers decided on it just being Mikey's teenager years coming in to play; He just turned thirteen in the first week of December after all. They'd all been ready for hormones.
But since they narrowed it down to hormones, that meant they were all handing him a stricter attitude; even patient and calm Donatello.
It was only adding to Mikey's stress and anxiety. And it was especially topping his anger.
Maybe it was mood swings. Whatever it was, Mikey knew that he didn't like it either, he missed being himself. He really did.
Mikey finally gave a growl as he successfully put his shoes on in his rush. He grabbed his backpack from the floor and came out of his room.
"I don't know what fuckin' attitude ya've got Mike, but it's ain't funny and it ain't cute. Cut tha shit out Mike."
Mikey growled and shoved right past his 16 years old brother. Raph glared at him with narrow sharp dark brown eyes. He ran a hand through his spiky dark brown hair before turning around and leaving. Mikey watched the tall and muscled brother of his leave the hallway to go downstairs and mumbled, "Big Oaf." Under his breath. He didn't know where this sudden side of him had really came from. It just developed. He'd been stressed, angry, and depressed ever since the bullies entered his life and he'd been struggling with school academically. Then again, when wasn't he ever in his entire life? His grades were horrible, and he was often in trouble more times than Raph now.
'Tomorrow I'll go back to being happy again, for them. I'm being such a brat and I even ruined Christmas. I'm such a mistake, I just ruin everything. Why couldn't I just have pretended to be okay for a fucking week?! Why was it so hard for me to do one thing in my fucking life right?'
Mikey soon followed despite his bitter mood and went downstairs. There, he found his eldest brother Leo. Leo had black hair which matched well with his sapphire blue eyes. He was the same height as Raph and he had a lean, washboard like build. If you looked at a photo of their older brother now at 17 versus their father when he was around Leo's age, they'd look like identical twins.
"Took you long enough."
"Spare me the lecture okay?" Mikey snapped even though he thought it was justified since Leo gave him the same attitude back.
"Then spare me the attitude." Leo's cold and sharp reply came back, locking eyes with Mikey. The oldest and the youngest of the family stayed in their glare contest, daring the either to look away. Finally, Don intervened.
"Stop it. Both of you. We're going to be late you know." Came Don's snippy voice. Don's words had a pretty prominent lisp to them. The lisp came from Don's gap tooth. He'd lost it when they were kids, being dumb and immature. A long story turned into a sentence, Raph dared Don to skate down a stair rail. The Hamato boys were anything but headstrong.
Don physically though, was taller than Mikey but a little bit shorter than their eldest brothers. Don was only 15 and was extremely skinny. That was mainly because of his big brain and even bigger work addiction. All his working on inventions and school work constantly at night made him lose sleep and he ran strictly on coffee. Nothing else.
Don, not too long ago, was once stuck in Mikey's situation. But Don came forward about it one day and everything was soon taken care of. But whenever Mikey would think of doing that, he thought about it;
Don offered something to everyone, he was useful.
Mikey was the opposite. Useless.
Don was allowed to do what he did, he was important enough, but Mikey wasn't. At least in Mikey's eyes.
"C'mon you two, let's get in the car." Don calmed down everyone, and soon they were out the door.
Mikey purposely slammed the door to the car behind him as he left it. The car was small and kinda crappy, but it was mainly because their father hadn't decided on whether to trust his four sons with a nicer car. So, it was a hand-me-down from a neighbor.
Mikey tugged his backpack over his shoulder and went into school, thinking about when it first started.
"Hey, look, I was wondering if I could borrow your locker for a sec." A tall kid with black hair smirked.
Mikey, being an innocent twelve-year-old nodded.
"Sure! What for?"
"To do this." Mikey could only blink before he found himself struggling to stop the older teen from tearing up the rest of his locker.
"Stop!" Mikey protested. This kid was tearing apart all his family photos, class notes, things from friends, everything. And little Mikey could stop any of it. He grabbed and clawed at the older kid's arm, trying to drag him away from his locker. He even was about to start kicking at the guy's legs. Suddenly, two other tall guys, obviously held backs, grabbed Mikey by each arm and shoved him into the lockers.
Mikey grunted in pain as they kept bashing him into the lockers. Mikey closed his eyes, waiting for the next impact to come, but they'd stopped, only for Mikey to feel something sharp and cold under his chin.
He pried open his eyes to face the jerks and then they widened.
There was a switch blade to his throat.
A switchblade.
"S-stop…" He tried to protest, but his voice came out weak and shaky. He found himself trying to hold back tears but failing, making the older boys laugh. They laughed as they drew back the switchblade, then one took a final punch at Mikey's stomach before turning down the hall to follow the other two boys.
"He's so fucking weak!" One laughed.
"Jesus, did you see how scared he was?" Came from the other one, laughing so hard he was walking/stumbling down the hall. Mikey honestly didn't see how having a blade pressed against your neck was funny, but apparently to them it was.
"I can't believe his face, like we were actually going to get ourselves in jail for his fucking babyass. Over there crying because someone put a blade on his neck. Like he's worth any trouble! Such a fucking wuss!" The black haired kid that had raided his locker, laughed. Mikey found tears rushing down his face as he looked at his trashed locker.
Flyers, posters, book pages, notebook pages, photos, drawings, and more were scattered all over the floor of the hallway and inside his locker. His school supplies were either torn or crumbled up. They had literally just started digging their hands all through the young preteen's locker.
Mikey wiped away his tears furiously and choked down a sob. He slowly crouched down, his hands shaking a bit, and picked up a drawing he had drew in art class. His favorite drawing; he had kept it in his locker and would show it off to all his friends. Everyone always knew he was a creative genius, even if his grades weren't so well.
Now his most treasured, beloved, and prized artwork…
Was ripped and torn. Shredded and crumbled.
Mikey felt his throat sting a bit as he began to gather all his trashed locker items from the hallway floor with a shaking body. He was going to be so late, his family would kill him. Not to mention all his homework for the periods after his upcoming class. And his supplies, school borrowed books, things he had borrowed from friends (That he had promised to give back, by the way), library books he was due to return, family items, his lunch money for the week, everything.
Mikey sniffed and wiped a single tear that had gotten past his shaky defenses.
'What did I do? I haven't even been within, like three feet of those guys…' he thought distressed. And that thought was true. Mikey knew, as well as everyone in school, that those three boys were bad, bad trouble.
The black haired kid was Joseph Kent, who'd rather go by his middle name, Trent; but it wasn't a suggestion. Everyone, everyone, called him Trent, if they were even brave enough to say his name. A tall, lean muscled kid who was probably 14 or 15 years old, but had been held back many, many times and was now stuck in Mikey's grade, seventh grade.
Sucked for him. And everyone else in school who wasn't as tough as him.
His two 'goons' as Mikey mentally called them, so upset with the locker scene that he couldn't even feel anger or hate, or even resentment, were Ryan Marvin and Luke Shun.
Ryan was the shortest in their little 'gang' but still way taller than Mikey. He was probably 14 too but was still in eighth grade; he'd only been held back a year, luckily. Ryan had red (obviously dyed) hair, it was so bright it was so fake. But no one dared even try and mention that. And Ryan was very well muscled. Very. He had an older brother, who was even bigger (if that was believable) but Mikey knew that Raph or Leo could take his older brother, Shane, down in mere minutes.
And Luke was probably the worst. He was big, very big and made the saying true, 'The bigger the brawn, the smaller the brain.' He had blonde hair and was, again, big. Heavy in weight and muscle. Taller than Joseph. And here's where it didn't take Einstein to do the math…
If Ryan (The shortest of all three) towered over little, itty bitty Michelangelo, and Luke towered over Ryan; How much more taller than Michelangelo is Luke?
Answer?
A lot. A fucking lot.
It was no wonder why most kids went running in fear whenever the three were around. Despite all of them being held backs, they all had things that made them people on your 'To Fear' list. The reason to be scared of Luke is simple; he could crush your fricking skull Mikey bet. And Ryan… he was a crazy, crazy guy. One time, Mikey heard he went street racing with their little 'gang' against some high school kids. There, Ryan drove straight onto the sidewalk, not caring about pedestrians or the law; and obviously not a speed ticket. All to win.
And Joseph? Well, heh, he was the worst of them. Despite being held back for a couple of times, Joseph played mind games better than anyone in school. He could ruin a kid's life just by being involved in it.
And that's exactly what happened to the once cheerful Michelangelo.
Twelve years old Mikey found himself sitting out on his family and his' apartment steps. He was off in another world it seemed, thinking about how those jerks had teased him. The most painful insults were things like 'Freak!' and 'Mistake!' and such. The ones that targeted not only how he was as himself, but how he was to other people. A mistake no one wanted-
"Hey! Mike! C'mere!" Came a loud yell from a curly black haired girl on a bike, rushing straight towards his steps.
"Angel, I thought you had to pack up? Didn't you say you were moving, like, right away?" Mikey was pleasantly surprised. Angel was one of the few friends that were sticking with him as of late. Ever since those bullies entered his life...
"Yeah, I am! But I convinced my Mom to let me spend at least a couple of hours with you before we go!" Angel spoke so quick, it was entirely new to Mikey. Normally, his friend was slow and calm, sometimes a bit scary and sassy.
"Wait, really!? This is gonna be so cool! Whaddaya wanna do?" Mikey asked, already grabbing the skateboard that had been set up next to him, minutes prior; he forgot all about the upset mood the bullies had put him in.
The two childhood friends ended up going into Central Park, dangerous at nighttime, yes. But the friends knew the limit was to be out of that part by dark, and when the sun was setting, they found themselves on the grass staring and the side, having just decided on getting ready to leave.
"Hey, Angel?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you think I'm... I'm a freak? A mistake? Even an Idiot? Please be honest." Mikey's voice was pleading for someone so young. Angel immediately turned onto her side to face her friend, who was laying on his back still, not even noticing his friend's incredulous stare.
"Why would you ask me that question?"
"Just Answer it!"
"Fine then, my answer is no! N-O!" Angel snapped back, though neither had intention of being so harsh with their words.
There was silence for a minute.
"They've been spreading rumors... Everyone thinks I'm this weird freak or something now. Jackie doesn't even hang out with me anymore..."
"He stopped? Just like that? You two are inseparable! It was always me, you, Woodster, and Jackie against world. Why would that suddenly change!?" Angel went back to laying on her back, but was watching Mike out of the corner of her eye. But even though her position screamed 'calm' her eyes and her tone were anything but. Her tone was going higher without her realizing it and her eyes were piercingly cold and hard.
"He didn't want to, you could tell he was upset about it. I'm not taking it in a bad way..."
"Good, you shouldn't. He was probably peer-pressured or something..."
"Yeah. That's it."
"I'm sick of them calling me things behind my back. I can't take it much longer Angel." Mikey finally turned on his side to face Angel and Angel did it at the same time, in sync.
"Yeah, well they're just being the typical bullies. If they see someone that could have the slightest chances of succeeding, they're going to ruin it. Because if they can't do it, then you're not supposed to. They're being held back because they're idiots and they want you to feel the same so you get held back too." She took a breath before continuing, "They know people like us are unique. Different. And that makes us, us. Parents too. No one understands us. Everyone's expected to be the norm, but because you had the guts to do what you did, it makes you all these bad things? Parents, classmates, teachers, everyone." She gave a relaxed exhale.
"It's what they always tell us."
"What they always tell us?"
"Us."
Mikey always pondered on those woods from his friend and didn't think he'd ever understand them. He pondered about them still, long after his friend had gone.
Ever since those a-holes had entered his life, it'd gone downhill. He only had one single friend left…
"Hey Woody." Mikey greeted, trying to put some cheer in his voice, but failed miserably. After he'd been dropped off, he saw them. Just smirking. Smiling. Right. At. Him.
They know what they did. They know. It was all a part of their little 'game'. They just loved toying with people's lives.
Woodrow Dirkins sat himself down, back facing the table part of the lunch bench, then swung himself around, his legs swinging over the seat part of the bench and putting them underneath the table. He had blond hair, the golden sand kind, not a bleach bright blonde. And had beautiful blue eyes, that were so calm and peaceful that Mikey could sometimes find himself drifting off in them. Way better looking than his. Woody always looked maybe two or three years older than what he was because of his defined face.
'Everyone looks better than you. You are an insult; don't compare someone to you looks. Especially him of all people, he's the only person to actually still like you; for now, at least.' There was always a voice in the back of Mikey's head. It just pointed out everything that was said or that happened and turned it into some negative put down directed at himself.
He offered a supportive smile to his best friend; Woody had been the only person Mikey had told. Over these past couple of months, Mikey had been really trying to keep this all to himself, but as he found out only after a couple weeks of suffering the torment, holding it all in just made his life worse. Woody was the one person he could truly depend on. Woody always stood up for him, understood him, and hasn't abandoned him.
'Hasn't. As in, not yet. Watch, you'll push him away too. That's just how annoying you are. Needy and desperate. Just watch.' Came Mikey's inner voice. The one that constantly had the need to put him down.
Mikey did his best to mimic the smile, but found himself failing to.
"They on you again?" He asked. His voice was a bit deep, but he was always calm and cool. Collected and smart too. He was everything Mikey wasn't. The only thing he kept up with him on was their athleticism. And even then, Mikey found himself not even wanting to wake up in the morning most days; let alone leave the house.
'Yeah, 'Cause you're a lazy ass kid who can't do nothing right, that's why. You don't even do your homework or school work. A failure. And then again, your brothers are better than you. Everyone is everything you're not. That's why you'll always be the most useless guy around. You're a mistake.'
"No. They just smiled at me. They were happy Woodster. Happy." Mikey felt his voice crack and his bottom eyelids struggle to hold the weight of the oceans in his eyes from spilling and mentally shamed himself; he felt downright embarrassed.
'Seriously, now you're crying? Because you can't handle a little bit of life. They were right, you're so pathetic. Needy. You're going to drive him away too, watch.' Came that dumb, stupid-
Mikey just blinked rapidly and acted like something was in his eyes. Rubbing and fanning it while pinning it open with two of his fingers.
"That's not going to fool me ya know. I'm way smarter than that man." Woody's voice went a bit lighter with dark humor and Mikey gave a chuckle at his own dumb attempt to cover up his weakness.
'Yeah, way smarter… way smarter than me.' -Stupid, Arrogant, Condescending-
"Yeah, kinda figured." Mikey forced a chuckle, something he'd been getting slightly good at, and decided to change the topic; unfortunately, Woody got there first.
"So, how was your test?" Oh that. The test that he'd had failed. The test that made up a large sum of his grade. That.
Why did he have to ask that?
'It's not his fault you're a failure. Learn to grow up and deal with it; you're never going to be smart or a parent pleaser or as good as your brothers or him. Face it; you're a failure. He's innocent, you're the one guilty; it's your own fault.' -Condescending, Demeaning-
"Not good. How did you do on yours?" He asked, trying to pry any attention away from him.
"Aced." His friend replied with a smirk that slid on his face as natural and calming as a low tide onto the sand. Mikey managed a fake smile, he felt it was good enough, and pretending to be ecstatic about it.
"Super proud of you! One of us has to get the next grade!" Mikey 'laughed'.
"One of us? Oh no, we're both getting there. I don't think I can survive being in the same class with that crazyass Marvin brother without you being there. Dude, I'm telling you, those brothers grind on my nerves, so damn much! That's why I like your brothers." He ended laughing heartily.
'Your brothers. Your brothers are probably the only reason Woody hasn't left you yet. 'Your Brothers' are the only good thing worthwhile that even relate to your life. He's pretending to want you around, he obviously could continue to the next grade without you; he's just doing that because he pities you.' -Demeaning, Evil, Mean-
Mikey 'laughed' alongside him.
Mikey heard some kids laughing; some were just gossiping, some were straight out laughing. A scene that went down that was caused by Trent and his group, not to long ago, caused Mikey to become the school's laughing stock. Woody had guts, because the friends that Mikey didn't drive away himself, were driven away because of his bad rep. And Mikey remembered clearly when growing up, both going to the same 'local schools' system, that Woody had always been easy to accept. In a popular group, a nerdy group, whatever he choose. And it was easy to see why.
Woody looked good on the outside and his personality was even more beautiful.
Mikey brought himself back to their conversation. He had been zoning in on Woody's eyes.
'What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I keep thinking about him like that?' Mikey questioned himself.
For as long as he could remember, he'd always liked girls. At least he thought he did. Mikey forced himself to push his thoughts, wicked, innocent, and confused, to the back of his mind.
'Focus', he told himself.
'Yeah, another thing you can't do right. What a surprise.' -Mean, Hateful, Terrible-
The bell rang.
"Awe, just when my story was getting good!" Woody gave a small fake pout, which Mikey responded with, "Tell me about it!" He fake whined. In reality, he was so busy focusing on the kids gossiping about him and then getting lost in Woody's eyes; he hadn't listened to any of what his best and only friend had been saying. He didn't feel like talking anymore anyways, it was too much effort. The same occurred when listening too.
'You're such a horrible friend. He's only person in the world that'll probably hang out with you, yet here you are being ungrateful about. You're such an ungrateful little brat. No wonder everyone abandons you.' -Terrible, Disdainful, Crude-
Mikey realized his next period was with Joseph and Trent, whichever. It didn't matter to Mikey anymore.
Nothing did.
'Well, you'll never matter, so nothing you do should matter. You. Are. A. Waste. Of. Space. Even you know it; so how many times does the universe have to spell it out? You're unimportant. Go die, everyone at school is right; go die.' -Crude, Honest, Right...
Voice.
SERIOUS A/N PLEASE READ BEFORE GOING TO NEXT CHAPTER:
Mkay, deep-ish, but I'm just getting started. It's going to get very serious and depressing most likely in the next couple of chapters so beware;
If you are not able to or may be sensitive to mental disorders like the ones I plan on having show up in fiction, please do try not to continue reading. I know it's hard, fanfiction from any writer is always like fandom candy, put please resist the urge to be a naughty child and sneak a peek from the cookie jar.
If any of these topics are scary, disgusting, triggering, meaningful, etc. to you, I advise that this story might not be best for you…
ADHD (And the frustrations that come with it, trust me, I know these myself; feels nice to get it out through a character that actually has it.)
Depression (And the actions that may come with it like suicidal thoughts/references/tendencies, self harm of ANY kind [burning/cutting/etc], hopelessness, pessimism to one's self, etc.)
Anxiety/Anxiety Attacks/etc. (I don't know if this will be in the future, heck I don't even know what I'm gonna make the title yet. I simply just start spamming my keyboard hoping it doesn't break any buttons and produces some kind of legible and readable product; otherwise known as my stories/fiction.)
And whatever messed up things I might add. Another Also, is that if you didn't get the italic (slanted writing like this) writing after the depressing thoughts that were surrounded with dashes like this; -Crude, Honest, Painfully Truthful…- It's supposed to all add up to Mikey's opinion on the 'voice'. Look;
"Came that Dumb, Stupid, Arrogant, Condescending, Demeaning, Evil, Mean, Hateful, Terrible, Disdainful, Crude, Honest, Right…
Voice."
See it? It's his thoughts going from "This voice is wrong, I'm not that bad! It's some dumb inner conscious that doesn't mean shit!" to "It's right, I'm horrible." Which is how he goes on throughout the day, having an inner war with himself. Trying to fight that giving up is the way, ya know?
On a way more serious note then I'm used to, I wanna say something about this fic right here. Majority of it, is going to be either depression and trying to fight through it (Of course through a 3rd P.O.V. Mikey thing; you know what I'm trying to get to -_-) or it's going to end up as a drama mama with no actual meaning and becoming a Brotherly fluff pillow... *sighs*
I'm not going to state my entire thirteen years of life story here (But if you wanna copy… I might have some. No lie.) I have ADHD and because of that I felt like a failure for a long time (That's why I love Mike's character so much, because I can kind of relate to trying and failing to focus and succeed expectations) and ended up having Depression in the long, long run. I haven't got diagnosed but c'mon, I know it when I see it. Not going to state why because I wanna be positive and… me… me is weird and inconsistent, which means I don't finish my final reasonings. 0-0
But yeah leaving on a personal note and a hopeful one!
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Number: 1-800-273-8255
If you feel pretty crappy, whether it's anxiety, depression, PTSD, whatever is making you feel down, I know what it's like to be afraid to reach out to someone in real life like parents or friends. It's downright embarrassing. So, if you're like me and haven't gained that kind of courage, I'm always available as well as the NSPL (Nation Suicide Prevention Lifeline Number). If that's scary too (Because of how they can send people down to your house to put you on all this "you're going to do something" crap) you can go on Reddit (I know, I'm bad at giving advice, but that's where I go for a vent and I normally feel better cuz the people are nice and supportive :D) and vent that way. Posting to r/depression or r/suicidewatch or r/[anything]
r/ADHD
r/Anxiety
r/howtostopselfharming
There's literally a subreddit for every-fucking-thing.
Again, just know if it takes me awhile to get the next chapter out; I completely and utterly apologize. That's just me, but I DO have a passion for writing, it's not something I'm forcing myself to do; I can only write when I have time, thus time is le problem.
Life.
Laziness.
Time. Management.
Room in which I'm writing this…. Getting darker…
Bye.
R & R Please! I love reviews more than actual favorites and follows XD For some odd reason; it's writer candy! Gimme candy! I was a good child!
