FADE IN:
INT. PENNY'S APARTMENT - EVENING
PENNY and AMY are standing in the kitchen sipping margaritas. There's a bottle of liquor on the counter next to three shot glasses.
PENNY
I can't believe Bernadette didn't show.
AMY
I know. Strep throat twice in one month? That's rough.
PENNY
She told me she came down with the flu!
AMY
Why would she lie?
PENNY
(REFILLING HER DRINK) Why do you think?
AMY
(GIGGLING) Maybe she didn't want to be here when we start lezzing out.
PENNY
(SPITTING) What! Why would she think that?
AMY
That is what normally occurs at slumber parties. And now that I'm single… admit it. You can't keep your hands off me.
PENNY
Puh-lease. Have you ever been to a real slumber party?
AMY
No, but I've heard stories. And there was always some kind of homoerotic hanky panky involved!
PENNY
(DOWNING HER DRINK) Maybe once.
AMY
Really? I was just kidding. Are the scantily clad pillow fights for real too?
PENNY
(ROLLING HER EYES) Oh come on! You never made out with a friend when you were a kid?
AMY
When I was a kid the only friend I had was a Furby who never learned to say my name properly. He called me Shamey until I was sixteen, and after a while, I started believing him.
PENNY
That's sad.
AMY
Not as sad as what happened senior year.
PENNY
Do I wanna know?
AMY
Two girls from the cheerleading squad stuffed me inside my cello case and pushed it down the stairs.
PENNY
That's terrible! (THROWING BACK ANOTHER DRINK)
AMY
And I still have the scar on my knee to prove it.
PENNY
Well, since we're sharing shame...I actually did the same thing to a girl at prom. Except the cello case was a toilet and I flushed it at least three times.
AMY
Oh my god. You waterboarded her?
PENNY
She stole my boyfriend!
AMY
I knew you were a bully, but geeze…
PENNY
I was just a stupid kid, and I'm not a bully now!
AMY
I just can't help but think that girl could've been me.
PENNY
Did you ever suck off your best friend's boyfriend in a bathroom during prom?
AMY
No.
PENNY
Then it couldn't have been you.
AMY
I had to get stitches in my knee. Everyone called me Raggedy Amy until I graduated.
PENNY
Maybe I can make it up to you!
AMY
What? I'm not the one you Guantanamo Bay-ed.
PENNY
It's symbolic, duh! You said you never kissed a girl before...
AMY
Maybe I already missed my chance.
PENNY
What do you have to lose? You and Sheldon aren't together anymore.
AMY
That's true, but won't Leonard be upset if he finds out?
PENNY
Upset isn't exactly the right word.
AMY
Oh, I see. So which one of us should start?
PENNY
I don't know, does it matter?
AMY
Of course it matters! Here, think of kissing like the fundamental particles.
PENNY
Nevermind! I'll go first.
AMY
Then I guess that would make you a boson. (WINKING)
PENNY
What did you just call me?
AMY
Bosons are force-carrying particles, which means that they're made up of tiny bundles of energy.
PENNY
How is that anything like a kiss?
AMY
Light is made up of photons and bosons, and kissing has its own elementary particles too.
PENNY
So you're the photon?
AMY
Exactly. There are also particles made up of quarks. Think of-
PENNY
Ughhh. How long is this gonna take? I'm a little quarked up to be listening to a lecture.
AMY
(FINISHING OFF HER DRINK) So we're really doing this?
PENNY
Yup. Just close your eyes, and-
AMY
The last time someone said that it was my grandpa and he put a pickled beet on my tongue.
PENNY
Ew. Enough about grandpas and furbies!
AMY
Then what should we talk about? And where should I put my hands?
PENNY
Less talking, more kissing.
They kiss, first chastely, and then, with tongue. The pace is unhurried until they pull apart.
PENNY
So. Whaddayou think?
AMY
I'm not sure. It's hard to say...but, it's a little like kissing Sheldon, I guess. Maybe a little less passionate, but overall one of the most-
PENNY
Excuse me?
AMY
I didn't mean that as an insult!
PENNY
How? You just told me the Sheldinator 3000 is a better kisser than me! Sheldon is a scientist, kissing is supposed to be my thing!
PENNY kisses AMY again, hands in her hair. AMY looks shook.
AMY
Wow.
PENNY
Bet that was at least nine quarks.
AMY
More like a tachyon!
PENNY
English, please!
AMY
It's a hypothetical particle that travels faster than the speed of light.
PENNY
I'm taking that as a compliment! Still think Sheldon is better than me?
AMY
(BLUSHING) Well, maybe if we run the experiment through one more time...
PENNY
Alrightie. Looks like my work here is done.
