ZOOM IN
EXT. BEET FIELDS
DWIGHT is seated on a bale of hay, staring directly into the camera.
DWIGHT
On Schrute farms, the milkmaids didn't just tend to cows. And they weren't even always women. Milkmen were the lesser known heroes of the pre-industrial revolution.
CUT TO:
INT. FARMHOUSE
PAM, JIM, and DWIGHT drop their luggage in front of the house. MOSE takes their baggage upstairs while PAM stops to grimace and clutch her chest.
PAM
I told you we should have brought CC!
JIM
Pam, we both need a break. I thought you were going to pump before we left?
PAM
I did! CC eats a lot, okay?
DWIGHT
(SERIOUS) When did the pain begin?
JIM
Oh no, this is just because CC isn't here.
PAM
Yesterday.
JIM
What? Why didn't you tell me?
PAM
I didn't think it was a big deal and I didn't want to ruin our trip.
JIM
So you just keep it a secret?
PAM
Jim, if I told you every time I felt a pain in my boob we'd be in the ER twice a day. I was waiting to see if it's serious.
JIM
Is it?
DWIGHT
It could be a number of dangerous and fatal diseases of the mammary gland. But no. This isn't serious.
PAM
What?
DWIGHT
I have to check your breasts to be sure, but I do have expertise in this area.
JIM
Last time I checked you weren't a doctor.
DWIGHT
But I am a farmer.
PAM
Here, Jim. You check.
JIM
Check for what? I don't know what to check for!
DWIGHT
Then get out of the way. Let a real man show you how it's done. This won't hurt a bit.
JIM
We should go to the doctor.
DWIGHT
And ruin your whole trip? Why pay money to wait in the ER for three hours when I can fix it right here, right now, with nothing but my bare hands.
PAM
I really need a vacation.
JIM
Fine.
DWIGHT
Oh yeah, I remember these bad boys. (TO JIM) A man never forgets the weight of a woman's breast in his palm. (TO PAM) You have a clogged milk duct.
JIM
What can we do?
DWIGHT
Someone has to suck it out. Obviously.
JIM
Obviously.
PAM
What?
DWIGHT
Or a round of antibiotics.
PAM
I just finished one off!
DWIGHT
That much antibiotics can't be good for the baby.
PAM
That's what I said!
JIM
See, we do need a doctor. I was right.
DWIGHT
Or someone could suck it out...
JIM
Ew.
PAM
My boobs are ew?
JIM
No! Of course not-
DWIGHT
Nice one, Jim.
PAM
Then why would you say ew?
DWIGHT
Listen, the doctor is just going to use a breast pump for something any grown man can do with his mouth.
JIM
I thought you said just your hands!
DWIGHT
It's called a figure of speech.
PAM
(TO DWIGHT) Okay, I want you to do it.
JIM
What?
PAM
Suck it out. I'm not spending another vacation day in the waiting room.
JIM
Pam!
PAM
Do you have any better ideas?
JIM
Did you not hear me suggest the doctor twice? Because that suggestion is still totally on the table.
DWIGHT
Okay, I'm gonna count down from three.
PAM
Wait! Are you going on one or go-ow!
DWIGHT
Neither.
PAM
That really hurt!
JIM
Did he not hear me say doctor?
PAM
You said it wouldn't hurt!
DWIGHT
I lied so you wouldn't be scared.
PAM
Dwight!
DWIGHT
(LICKING HIS LIPS) What I tell you?
PAM
Gross!
DWIGHT
Hey! I did you a favor.
JIM
A very gross favor.
DWIGHT
I saved your vacation and your marriage. You should be thanking me.
JIM
That is not what just happened here.
(ZOOM IN)
DWIGHT
(SMILING) You're welcome.
