FADE IN:
INT. JOEY'S APARTMENT - EVENING
In the kitchen of the apartment, JOEY and CHANDLER stand arguing on either side of the counter. MONICA enters.
MONICA
Um, what are you guys talking about?
JOEY
Chandler and I was talking about gay sex.
CHANDLER
Wow, when you put it that way, it doesn't sound so bad!
MONICA
So should I even ask, or should I just let myself out and pretend this never happened?
CHANDLER
Thank you, now if you would be so kind as to-
JOEY
Wait! You just want Monica to leave because I'm finally right about something!
CHANDLER
You are not finally right about something, I just don't want...(GESTURING) my wife to hear how wrong you are!
MONICA
Would somebody please tell me what the hell is going on? Seriously, because the tension is starting to give me a headache.
CHANDLER
Fiiiiine. Joey thinks that just because he's good at having sex with a woman, that, well-you know!
MONICA
Oh? Oh. Oh! That his ability to have sex with men would translate!
JOEY
Exactly!
MONICA
Yeah, I could see that. Sort of like how men are from mars and women are from venus.
CHANDLER
First of all, that is a terrible metaphor, secondly, that is not how sex works.
JOEY
Oh yeah cause Chandler would know a lot about how sex works.
MONICA
Um, excuse me, he does have a wife.
CHANDLER
Thank you, Monica.
MONICA
That being said, Joey I think you're right.
CHANDLER
Hey!
MONICA
Sorry, you just aren't the top authority on sex. Like, if all the top authorities on sex were getting together to have a meeting, you wouldn't even get an invitation, okay?
JOEY
Good one, Mon.
CHANDLER
I'm standing right here.
MONICA
Oh honey, I didn't mean it like that! Maybe if those top authorities had a little intern, like a guy who makes copies-
CHANDLER
That could be me?
MONICA
No, sorry. That would probably be me.
CHANDLER
How is this supposed to help me feel better again?
MONICA
Oh, we're way past that! This is about proving whether Joey's right or wrong.
JOEY
And I'm right! Right?
MONICA
Theoretically, but there's only one way to really know for sure!
CHANDLER
I don't like where this is going...
MONICA
You have to have sex with a guy!
JOEY
What?
CHANDLER
I told you, Joe. This is why we should never involve Monica in anything ever!
JOEY
Where the heck am I supposed to find a guy who wants to do that?
MONICA
Oh! Oh! Take Chandler!
CHANDLER
Excuse me?
JOEY
Really? You'd do that for me, Mon?
MONICA
Of course!
CHANDLER
Shouldn't I have a say in who I have sex with?
MONICA
You're lucky you get to have sex at all.
JOEY
How you doin'?
CHANDLER
I'm out of here. You two have gone crazy.
MONICA
Oh come on, Joey's a catch!
CHANDLER
Are you seriously suggesting that your husband should bang his best friend in the name of proving me wrong?
MONICA
You have no idea the lengths I would go.
CHANDLER
That's comforting.
JOEY
Hey! Now I don't feel right doing this if Chandler's not one hundred percent on board.
MONICA
You know what, Joey's right. You two shouldn't be doing this...
CHANDLER
Finally!
MONICA
...without an unbiased third party!
JOEY
Aw man! Where are we gonna find one of those?
CHANDLER
Gee, I wonder.
MONICA
No, Joey, you don't get it. I volunteer!
JOEY
Aw, you don't have to do that. Especially what with you lending me Chandler and all...
CHANDLER
No really. You don't have to do that. I don't have to do that. Neither of us have to do anything with or involving Joey's-thing!
JOEY
Come on Chandler, even you know the word penis.
CHANDLER
Yes, of course I do! But not around girls.
MONICA
Seriously?
CHANDLER
I can't help it!
MONICA
Alright, now what we need is an agreed upon points system.
CHANDLER
No, no, no! I think our best bet would be the complete opposite-
JOEY
Oooh, like set up a spanking system. Oh yeah.
CHANDLER
How is spanking the opposite of points?!
MONICA
I like where your head's at, but I meant we should establish some ground rules.
JOEY
Aw man! Now there's rules? This doesn't sound fun anymore.
CHANDLER
Yes Joey, exactly! Not fun, no fun, absolutely nothing fun about this.
MONICA
Okay think of it this way, you know how when you take an exam-
JOEY
Aww that's even worse! Gross!
MONICA
No, no, I mean… I got it!
CHANDLER
Great.
MONICA
Football!
JOEY
Oh, I see what you're gettin' at...
MONICA
You do? Really?
JOEY
I gotta get enough points to score a touchdown, right?
MONICA
Sort of. Except it's less about the destination and more about the journey.
JOEY
You mean like, across the field?
CHANDLER
Can we just forget about the points? I'm pretty sure we don't need points to tell if Joey's good at sex.
JOEY
Aw, thanks buddy.
CHANDLER
Not what I meant Joe.
MONICA
How about I make a general rubric.
JOEY
A what?
MONICA
I'll judge Joey on creativity, sensuality, quality of orgasm, and variety of positions.
CHANDLER
And what am I getting out of this?
MONICA
Come on Chandler, you have to at least try to like it. Okay?
CHANDLER
What? Why? I never had to try and like boobs!
MONICA
You didn't like me right away, did you?
CHANDLER
That was different. You can't use that!
MONICA
Well it was worth a shot! Please Chandler, I'll be with you the whole way. You don't have anything to worry about.
CHANDLER
Oh, fine. I'll have sex with Joey.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. JOEY'S ROOM
The bedroom is unkempt, but not dirty. The three of them huddle close on the full sized bed. An industrial sized lube pump rests on the end table.
CHANDLER
If I don't like it, you'll just stop, right?
JOEY
Of course.
CHANDLER
Well then I definitely don't like it.
JOEY
Then I'll definitely stop.
MONICA
Oh come on, we haven't even started yet! How about starting with a kiss, okay? You're good at kissing.
CHANDLER
Really?
MONICA
Eh.
JOEY
We have to kiss?
MONICA
Unless either of you normally have sex without kissing.
JOEY
Well actually-
MONICA
Just shut up and kiss him!
JOEY and CHANDLER share a kiss.
JOEY
(PULLING BACK) Isn't that a little too much tongue?
MONICA
That's what I always say!
JOEY
(UNBUTTONING HIS PANTS) Let's get this show on the road.
CHANDLER
Whoa! Isn't this moving a little fast?
MONICA
Oh, don't be such a girl!
CHANDLER
Are you really hard? Just from that?
JOEY
What? How else is a guy supposed to have sex! It's a normal reaction.
CHANDLER
And you're...really going to put it in there?
MONICA
Come on Chandler, where did you think he was going to put it?
CHANDLER
I don't know I thought maybe-
MONICA
You were thinking about sucking his-oh my god-you were!
CHANDLER
(BLUSHING) I was not!
MONICA
It's okay. Everyone gets a little curious sometimes. Right Joey?
JOEY
Yeah, of course!
CHANDLER
Really? So even you have thoughts about-
JOEY
No.
MONICA
Joey!
JOEY
I'm kiddin'! It ain't like it makes you gay or whatever, so who cares!
CHANDLER
Yeah, I guess… (REMOVING PANTS)
MONICA
Um, hello? What do you mean "you guess"? Your wife is in the room you know!
JOEY
Exactly, see, if he was gay, he would-
MONICA
Am the only one who knows bisexuality is a thing?
CHANDLER
Oh, right. Let me reschedule my sexuality crisis for a day when the room is less crowded, and I don't have someone about to-whoo boy that's cold!
MONICA
It's just lube, honey. Ooh-does anyone have a condom?
JOEY
(GRINNING) Gotcha covered.
CHANDLER
Now who's the one asking stupid questions?
JOEY
Alright, I'm gonna get started.
MONICA
Go for it, Joey!
CHANDLER
Thanks for being on my side, babe.
JOEY
(GROPING CHANDLER) I'm on your side.
CHANDLER
Hey! I object!
JOEY
To what?
CHANDLER
I have a very sensitive posterior.
JOEY
That's not fair, that's part of my technique!
MONICA
Objection overruled, his hands were within range.
CHANDLER
Within range of my butt!
JOEY
Look, I can't just stick it up there. There's no way! I gotta work it open first.
CHANDLER
Please never say those words again.
MONICA
For someone who's never done it with a man, you sure seem to know what you're doing.
JOEY
Hey! Girls like it in the butt too, ya know.
CHANDLER
Not any of the girls I've been with…
MONICA
Yeah, all three of them?
CHANDLER
Wait a minute! What the hell was that?
JOEY
I dunno, it's your butt!
CHANDLER
I don't mess around in there. It's uncharted territory.
MONICA
Oh, I know this one! I think Joey just found your prostate. And on the first try, too. Ten points for Joey!
CHANDLER
I thought we got rid of the points system?
JOEY
Aw yeah. Told ya the skill would translate.
CHANDLER
Just because you found it by accident doesn't mean you can do it again-Okay, nevermind!
JOEY
See?
MONICA
Wow, it's like you've memorized a map.
CHANDLER
A map of my butthole, how romantic.
JOEY
Okay, I'm gonna put it in now.
MONICA
Hmm. I'm gonna have to take off points since Chandler's only half hard.
JOEY
I can fix that! (DROPPING TO HIS KNEES)
CHANDLER
Oh my god! You told me you never think about-
JOEY
What's there to think about? It's just like getting a blowjob, but opposite.
CHANDLER
What if you bite it off? It's not amateur hour at the playboy mansion.
MONICA
Well it looks pretty first rate from where I'm standing.
JOEY
(PULLING BACK) Thanks! I watch a lot of porn, so I can't take all the credit.
MONICA
Wow, maybe I should be taking notes.
JOEY
Tribbiani's aren't born with a gag reflex, helps the sandwiches go down faster.
CHANDLER
I always thought of my penis as more of a meatball sub.
JOEY
You're practically packing a footlong.
JOEY
Well that sure did the job!
MONICA
Time to initiate phase two! Joey, get the lube.
JOEY
You got it, Mon. (PUMPING VIGOROUSLY)
CHANDLER
Isn't that a little excessive?
JOEY
What kinda sex you been having? No such thing as too much lube!
CHANDLER
My ass is starting to feel like a slip n' slide.
MONICA
Do you think it's loose enough?
CHANDLER
Just hurry up and get it over with already.
JOEY
No rushing the process! You're talkin' to an expert here!
MONICA
We'll see about that.
CHANDLER
Wait! I think I changed my mind.
MONICA
Chandler!
JOEY
You think? There ain't nothing to be scared of.
CHANDLER
I'm not scared… I'm just nervous.
MONICA
If he's half as good at fucking as he is at sucking, I don't think you have anything to worry about.
CHANDLER
Alright but if it hurts you have to stop!
JOEY
It'll just be a pinch.
MONICA
Like at the doctor!
CHANDLER
It always hurts at the doctor's.
JOEY
But afterwards you get a lollipop.
CHANDLER
So then is the orgasm my lollipop?
JOEY
You tell me.
CHANDLER
Ow!
MONICA
It's going in!
CHANDLER
Stop watching!
MONICA
How can I keep score if I can't see anything?
CHANDLER
Well at least stop narrating.
MONICA
He's almost all the way in!
CHANDLER
You're telling me.
JOEY
You okay, buddy?
CHANDLER
Yeah, I think so…
JOEY
Here, lemme give you a hand.
CHANDLER
No, no, you don't have to do that.
MONICA
Because that's somehow gayer?
CHANDLER
I don't know! I'm a little preoccupied right now.
JOEY
If you keep doing that I'm going to come.
CHANDLER
Doing what?
JOEY
That!
CHANDLER
I'm not doing anything!
MONICA
Aw, Joey!
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. JOEY'S LIVING ROOM
MONICA
Now since you used six positions-seven, if you count the time Chandler-
CHANDLER
That does not count!
MONICA
Okay, six and a half positions.
CHANDLER
I think he deserves points for creativity for the part with the boot.
MONICA
Nah, I've seen that before.
CHANDLER
Where?
MONICA
That's not important. What's important is that...Joey scored 95 points!
JOEY
Wow, I never got an A before.
CHANDLER
Don't sell yourself short, Joe. You always did great in gym.
JOEY
And lunch!
CHANDLER
Do they grade you on eating, or the food you bring?
JOEY
I dunno, but I bet I aced it!
CHANDLER
So what'd he lose five points for?
MONICA
Premature ejaculation.
JOEY
That was only the first round, and it was Chandler's fault!
CHANDLER
My fault?
MONICA
(TO CHANDLER) So! What do you think?
CHANDLER
Promise not to make fun of me?
MONICA
Of course sweetie, I would never do something like that. Just how mean do you think I am?
CHANDLER
Remember that time you made me sleep on the couch because I accidentally messed up your spoon organizational system?
MONICA
Fair point. But come on-you have to tell me something.
CHANDLER
It was awesome. Imagine the best orgasm you ever had. Now double it.
MONICA
Excuse me? Don't you think maybe you're exaggerating a little bit?
CHANDLER
Of course. I wasn't counting the times between me and you. I just meant-
MONICA
Oh, I think we all know what you meant. Don't we Joey?
JOEY
Uh…
MONICA
Joey's better than me, isn't he?
CHANDLER
That's not something I would ever say.
JOEY
Well, there's only one way to find out!
MONICA
(SIGHS)
JOEY
How you doin'?
