I awoke from an unclear (and all the more freaky) nightmare. My surroundings proved to be surprising, for last I checked I was fixing a sink in Tuscany. Now, I was in the middle of a field next to a lake. To my left I could make out the silhouette of a tall tower, along with a floating creature that I recognized as a Lakitu, a flying camera wielding being that… filmed… my… every move…

Either way, I got up and turned towards the castle doors. Being summer, the sand in front of the castle was hot, an the trees leaves were browning. Calmly, I crossed the bridge, marveling at the sight of the waterfall beside the castle's southeast wall. There was a large stained glass mosaic perched atop the castle, depicting a beautiful woman whom caught my eye. Below it, a sign read "Peach".

I relaxed in the shade of the castle for a moment before pushing open the door.

First, I'll blab on for a little bit. Yes, I'm Mario. That fat Italian plumber with the red cap and the denim overalls. Just to bring back some pleasant memories, I'll start my story with a saying.

"It's me, Mario!"

I digress.

The castle, inside, painted all colors. Talk about unmanly carpenters. I mean, for gods sake, it's a castle, not Disneyworld. It seemed to be decorated festively with stars, which I found always sitting in the corner of my eye. Always. Wow.

I took a long look around, taking in the doors with numbers on them and the trees painted on the walls. Also, I found my adrenaline somewhat higher when inside the castle. I could jump right over the staircase across the hall. The music was appealing, though, and my skills were advancing.

I concluded that I like this castle.

Then I noticed a note lying on the ground. It read "Mario, Bowser has kidnapped me and trapped me beneath the castle. You must defeat him on three scales to save me. Please hurry!" It was signed Peach, who I assumed to be the girl from the stained glass window.

Save a princess? Crap. I can't even save my own money. I can just see the headlines now: Plumber loses game, life.

I stepped into the center of the room and took a look around, guessing that The numbers on the doors indicated how many stars you needed to get in. The roof was at least 100 feet above me, if not more, and the entire floor was velvet carpeted. Peach's parents must be loaded, I thought as I walked toward the only door without a number on it. To my surprise, it opened with ease. Feeling both mischievous and happy, I walked in,

On the wall was a simple yet elegant painting. It was of three circular bombs, marching in form. I examined it, giving it a light touch to see what it was made of.

Apparently, nothing. I was immediately sucked into the wall, passed through a matrix of number and shapes that I couldn't decipher before being thrown violently onto the grassy field, next to a stone pedestal. I jumped up and looked around, studying the landscape.

"Hi! I'll prepare the cannon for you!" came a voice behind me. I whirled around, hardly getting a chance to study the seemingly endless landscape, and found the most disturbing and ironic thing I think I'll ever see.

A pink bomb.

Now, I'm no soldier, but I don't think bombs are usually pink. Did they want their enemies to know that they were happy before they died? And to have a face… well, that's just wrong. And knowing these guys, I can only imagine what Bowser would look like…

Either way, I replied awkwardly. "Umm… I was a-wondering… where am I?"

"Bomb-omb battlefield, my fat Italian friend!" I was annoyed by his response, but shook it off, and, in the adventurous spirit of Mario, stepped onto the stone pedestal.

"Hey, what does this d-" I was cut off when I fell hard into a hole, and then into a cylindrical and metal… well, cylinder. It rose out of the ground, and from behind I heard a fire being lit.

"Hey! What is this? Ow! What bit me?" I raged until I heard an explosion behind me, and was shot out of the machine (it's a cannon, for all of the nimrods who didn't figure it out) and flew across the landscape, taking pleasure in the sight but not in the fire that had been lit on my ass.

When I was about to shoot directly over a floating island carrying a single tree, I pushed out my arm, finding it easy to grab the tree and land on the island. Seeing another hole, I made a mental note to avoid cannons.

Then I noticed an orange box sitting on the ground, ad gave it a light push. It shattered before my eyes, revealing a bright star. Unsurely, I touched it, and immediately went through another Matrix sequence only to return to, you guessed it, the castle hall.

I guess that defines what to do for the rest of my life here… or maybe not.