DISCLAIMER:  None of the characters belong to me.  If they did, Eric would not have gotten sick, Carter would not have gone to Africa, and there would be Carby babies all over the ER by now.

CATEGORY:  Carby Angst RATING:  PG

SPOILERS:  None if you've seen all of Season 10 so far.

SUMMARY:  Carter contemplates his decisions at Abby's graduation party.

Graduation Day

Carter scratches his recently clean-shaven chin as he contemplates ringing the doorbell.  He hears music and laughter on the other side of the door, and he shakes his head at the irony of the situation.  Right now he feels anything but music and laughter in his soul, and deep down he knows the reason he is lacking this happiness is waiting for him on the other side of the door.

Susan has invited him to her house for a graduation party for Neela and Abby.  He knew that it is mostly for Abby; the two women had grown quite close in the past year.  So close that Carter was surprised Susan was still speaking to him when he returned from Africa with Kem.

Kem.

Kem is everything Abby is not.  Confident, open, affectionate and strong.  Kem is not afraid to tell you her feelings.  Kem is not afraid to say, "I love you."  Kem does not take him for granted.  And Kem will not hurt him.  He tells himself this is because she loves him so much, but the longer he remains in Chicago, away from the second life he created for himself in Africa, he realizes the real reason Kem can never hurt him the way Abby did.  It is because he does not love her the way he loved Abby.

Abby.

When he left for Africa the first time he was a mess.  Gamma had died and left him with the one thing he had tried to escape his entire life, the responsibilities of the Carter wealth.  He was running from that, along with the grief her death caused him.  But, if he were to be honest with himself, he was also running from Abby.  He had dreamt of the day they would be together for such a long time, and when it happened, it was everything he had imagined.  Until her brother got sick and she shut down.  She shut down and pushed him away as hard as she could.  He always pushed back, but when his grandmother died, well, he just didn't have the energy or will to push anymore.  He needed Abby to be the strong one, to seek him out in his darkest hour.  But she wasn't able to do that. The scars that had begun to heal were reopened when her brother became sick, and they left her immobilized and unable to give herself to Carter.  So he ran.  He came back briefly, but soon realized that he had not ran far enough, and he left again.  But now he was back for good, standing at Susan's front door, contemplating the twist his life has taken.

He is startled when the door flies open.

"Do you plan on standing there all day or would you like to come in?" Susan smirks.

Carter grins sheepishly.  "Hey Susan."

"Come on in.  There's soda and beer in the fridge."

He walks inside and takes in his surroundings.  Susan has cleared out the living room and several people are dancing.  Neela and Gallant are standing by the punch bowl looking quite chummy.  Chuck and Luka are standing by the fireplace, and Luka is laughing at whatever joke Chuck is telling.  Sam walks up to them and wraps her arm around Luka's waist.  Carter heads towards the kitchen to get a soda, and this is where he spots Abby.  Her back is towards Carter and she is talking to Susan.  She calls to a male bent over the refrigerator, and when he stands up Carter sees that it is Eric.  He looks good, his hair is neatly combed and he is smiling.  He looks healthy.

"Hey Abby, you gonna dance with me or what?"  Pratt walks over to the trio and grabs Abby's hand, leading her into the living room.  Susan excuses herself and Carter walks over to where Eric is standing.

"Hi Eric, how've you been?"

"John," Eric says, holding out his hand, "it's great to see you.  I was wondering if you'd be here."

"Well, Susan's parties have a reputation, and I didn't want to miss watching any of my co-workers' drunken escapades."

Eric laughs and looks out towards the living room with Carter.  Both of their eyes fall upon Abby, and there is an uncomfortable silence.

Eric clears his throat.  "I was sorry to hear about you and Abby.  You were really good for her, and I know she cared for you a lot."

Carter looks down, suddenly incredibly interested in the pattern on Susan's linoleum.  "Yeah, well, I guess sometimes these things don't work out."

"I just hope it wasn't because of me, and you know, what happened."

Carter looks up and raises an eyebrow, silently asking Eric to elaborate.

"At your grandmother's funeral."

Carter shakes his head.  "No, we had problems way before that.  Is that what Abby told you?"

"No, no.  You know Abby, she hasn't really told me anything as to why you broke up."  Eric pauses, taking a deep breath.  "I am sorry about what happened.  It is probably the worst thing I've ever done.  I'm not going to make excuses and say it wasn't really me, but please know how incredibly ashamed I am that I let myself get to a point where I had so little self-control."

Carter begins to inspect the linoleum again, growing uncomfortable.  "It's okay, I know you were sick."

"It's not okay, and after I realized what I had done, it was a real wake-up call for me.  I've been healthy for 10 months now."

A small smile makes its way across Carter's face as he nods his head.

"Please don't blame Abby for any of it.  I put her in an awful situation; one I don't think anyone would know how to handle.  I just know how much you meant to her, and I hate myself for causing problems between the two of you."

Carter is about to respond when Abby walks over, a concerned expression on her face.

"Hi Carter.  I didn't know you were here."

"Just got here," he replied.

"Everything okay?"  Abby looks at Eric and Carter, trying to gauge the mood of their conversation.  Carter smiles at her reassuredly.

"Everything's fine."

"Yeah, don't worry Abby, we're not going to break into a fist fight or anything.  However, I'm going to leave you two alone and go see if I can get that cute nurse over there to dance with me."

Abby laughs and shakes her head as she watches Eric walk over to Chuny.  Carter's eyes, however, are fixed on Abby.  Ever since he returned from the Congo he has been amazed at the person Abby has become.  She is still the same sarcastic, quick-witted person that he became such good friends with, but there is also something so incredibly different about her.  She has lost her hostility and seems so at peace with herself.  It's as if she finally let go of all her anger.  And the change is wonderful.  She is one the best med students he has ever worked with, and definitely the best at understanding the patients.  She has a glow about her when she works, and he can tell that she is doing what she truly loves.  She has become everything he always knew she could be.  She has changed while still keeping the qualities that made her such an incredible person to begin with.  And he finds himself drawn to her more strongly than he has ever been.

"So what were you two talking about?"  Abby asks.

"Just small talk."  Abby nods her head, obviously not believing him.

"So, Dr. Lockhart, you made it."

A huge smile washes over Abby's face and he can see the pride radiating from her face.  "Yup.  Hard to believe, but I did."

"I always knew you could do it, you just had to believe in yourself."  Carter's eyes lock on Abby's and the mood in the kitchen suddenly becomes intense.  Abby's eyes are fixed on Carter's and he quickly forgets that almost the entire ER is in the next room, that they broke-up almost a year ago, and that he has a pregnant girlfriend in Africa.  He gently touches her forehead, sweeping her bangs away from her face.  The feel of her skin upon his fingertips cause his stomach to do flip-flops.  Abby's eyes are still locked on his, only straying for a moment as she closes them while his fingertips graze her skin.  He leans down and when his mouth is close enough for him to feel her hot breath against his face he says, "I'm proud of who you've become."

And then their eyes close and their lips meet for a brief second.  When they pull apart, their eyes remain locked, just as they had in that trauma room two years previously, when everything was so new and seemed so uncomplicated.  But unlike the time in the trauma room, Carter does not tell her that everything will be okay, because he knows it is not true.  Everything is not okay; he has gotten himself into an impossible situation.  Because as soon as their lips met, he realized that he was still in love with Abby, and as much as he wants to scoop her up in his arms and kiss her with all of the passion he has bottled up inside of him, he knows he cannot.  He has a pregnant girlfriend in Africa.  And he realizes that by running away from his responsibilities in Chicago, he has created a mess that he does not know how to clean up.

"We shouldn't have done that." 

She says it plainly, without emotion, but he can see in her eyes that she is breaking inside, that she feels the same torment he feels.

"I know."

She nods her head and leaves the kitchen.  She leaves him standing there, looking guilty and feeling more lost than he has ever felt before.

  *****************************************************************************

Author's note:  Okay.  So I set out to write an angsty stand-alone, but the Carby in me just can't bring myself to end a story like this.  So there may be more, but I'm not sure.  Either way, please let me know what you think of this chapter/story.  Thanks!