Title: In His Arms
Chapter 1 - First Shot, Broken Heart

Summary: AU. If she was going to crumble it would be into his arms and his alone. Based on the ending scenes from eppy's 2.03 'Clean Hands' & 2.05 'Perfect Family'

Disclaimer: Ah you know write? Ed's with me and well yeah that's about it…lol otherwise I am a poor author lol

A/N: Okay so there will be nothing overtly sexual in this but I wanted it AU b/c of the nature of Ed's visit and I hope that makes sense when you read it. I hope you like it as much as me and thanks so much! AND REMEMBER THIS IS AU (so like it says in my other AU Ed/Donna stories & on my profile no Sophie and no Hank = no cheating...I would never do that to my beloved Eddie or my fave female SRU Donna). So please don't flame. And yes this is now going to be a three shot! :D

"Words in italics and double quotes – directly from the eppy - 2.03 'Clean Hands'"


"Donna…do you have anything to add?" Greg asked with a softer tone.

Do. You. Have. Anything. More. To Add. NO!

There was nothing more to add…she had shot a fellow officer, taken her down as she was trying to take out a human being who in her opinion didn't deserve to live. But they were trained to protect the hostage first and foremost and in that instant the man on floor, the convicted murderer, was their hostage and the life they had to save. She had heard Greg's words but just offered him a small nod and a blank stare and that was it. Please don't ask anything more, her mind had begged. Please just let this be over and get me the hell outta here.

And she had almost gotten off scot free until he spoke. She had avoided his gaze until then; her mind wondering what he had thought. But his words…spoken so softly and with such feeling she was instantly drawn to them like a hapless moth to a flickering flame.

"How'd SIU go?" Ed asked in misery.

His soulful blue eyes were as tormented as hers and she could tell that he was also holding back fluid emotion; much like herself. But he was trying to be strong for her and she could tell in the few seconds their eyes were locked, her heart had slowed long enough for her to offer him a few words before she swallowed hard and prayed the meeting would end. His question was soft and directed only at her; the only one in the world that mattered at that moment.

"I shot a cop, they're really happy."

She wanted to have a smarter comeback but inside her pain-stricken heart that was all she could afford. Ed…I'm sorry. He watched her jaw clench and felt his own stomach tighten. She was holding back emotion, telling those around her that she could take a life, nod and tell everyone else around her it was all in a day's work. He couldn't help but admire her bravado of courage but knows that underneath her tough façade she was crumbling and fast; an intervention was in order. But where? Here?

"Donna, we have a saying here….just because you did right doesn't mean you have to feel right," Greg reminds them all.

"Our hands our clean…yah?"

And that was it…he knew in that moment that she needed the break, her voice was thick with raw emotion and angry sarcasm and at any second her shell would crumble and the guilt and unreasonable justification would come to the fore. The room as a whole was pulsing with sad emotion and the silence deafening, she was drowning and was about to suffocate in the team's unspoken pity. He had to end it; for both their sakes before he pushed past everyone, pulled her into his arms and just held her close.

"Okay."

She watched him get up, turn his back and head out of the room and felt her heart sink. Ed! She watches him leave the room and immediately her heart plummets; out of all of them he was the one she didn't want to disappoint. Did he leave because he was upset? Did he pity her? Blame her? Excuse her?

Ed, I'm sorry, her mind lamented as she mumbled a 'fine' to Wordy and the boss when they asked if she'd be okay getting home alone; and then pushing herself up from the table and then heading for the locker room – alone. She stared at the showers and knows there is nothing more that she wants than to have a shower, try to wash away the days sorrow and misery. The whole day had seemed almost an angry blur up until now. Now reality hit her full force.

As soon as she opens her locker, spies her reflection, she watches the tears form and knows that was it. However, she knows she isn't about to lose it at work, no matter the support; she needs privacy. So grabbing her jacket, she slams the locker shut and that was it.

Ed closes his locker, hearing Wordy talking to him in the background and then offering a nod as he quickly turns to leave, wanting to see if Donna wants a ride home or even just a hug…something…anything he could do to lend her some kind of support.

"Hey Ed you okay?" Wordy asks softly as he stops his best friend just before Ed escapes through the entrance.

"I'm fine," Ed offers his best friend a small warm smile. "But I didn't take the kill shot did I? I hafta go."

"Think Donna will be okay?"

"I'm gonna go check."

Wordy looks at him and slightly frowns but nods in understanding. "Take care of her," he whispers so that only Ed and him could hear. Donna being on Team One meant certain relationship protocol, but Wordy also knows that it's Ed's job as team lead to make sure those protocols were kept in place while at the same time taking care of a friend. "Ed…"

"See you tomorrow Wordy," Ed states softly as he pats Wordy on the back and takes his leave. He gently knocks on the ladies locker room door before pushing it open and peering into the stillness inside. She's gone. In truth he can't blame her, the last the he wants is to be around people after he's taken a life. She can't be alone tonight, his throbbing mind reminds him. As soon as he gets into the parking lot, his phone is pulled and he's dialing her number. "Come on Donna…pick up," he whispers as he gets into his car and starts it up, letting it warm up a few minutes while he decides which course to take next.

He could either go home to an empty apartment and sit and wonder or pace and wonder all night long if she was okay and how she was coping, knowing she wasn't and having her absence eat away at his very core. Or he could just go over there, show up on her doorstep and offer her whatever emotional support he could muster. He had given her the same speech he had given the others after their first kill shot but everyone reacted to it differently and he knows in his heart, she's in pain and it hurt him to know she's alone.

"Come on pick up…please pick up," he begs in sorrow.

But as the empty rings continue to echo in his ears his hands automatically steer the car in the direction of her apartment, telling himself he'll just offer a shoulder to cry on and his arms for support and what she wanted to do with his offer was up to her.

XXXXXXXX

The phone was ringing, the music playing softly, the TV was on and the coffee maker was going, all meant to fill the silent void that had started to eat away at her as soon as she entered her quiet abode. Upon entering she had stared at the phone for what felt like an eternity, watching herself dial Ed's number and take him up on his little pep talk about what to expect after your first meeting with SIU. But sorrow pushed away ration and soon the quiet apartment was full of mindless noise, as she started up the shower. Now she can't hear anything as she stands under the hot streams of the shower; eyes clenched tightly, tears flowing out the corners as easily as the water from the tap overhead running down her naked body.

She replays in her mind over and over that moment when her finger eased back on the trigger…the bullet sailing through the air…the woman's body falling to the ground dead; her world stooping short and Greg having to lower her gun for her. She had done her job by the book and today it sucked. It truly sucked.

Why me…oh god why me… her mind laments over and over as she shakes her head and slowly opens her eyes. The steam tries its best to quell her shakes but it's not until she feels her energy literally starting to go down the drain with the spent hot water, her body starts to slow long enough for her to turn off the water and reach into the steamy room around the stall for a towel, wrapping it around herself as she gets out and then stands before the mirror in torment.

"She's…at peace," Donna tries to convince herself of her actions but once again can only feel the onslaught of tears once more, making her grip the sides of the kitchen sink before she can literally fall to her knees. Feeling a bit light headed, Donna quickly finishes drying, grabs her robe and pulls the door open, allowing the thick steam to escape before she ventures out into the hallway.

But as soon as she rounds the corner to go into her kitchen, a warm voice stops her literally dead in her tracks.

"Donna?"

"Ed!" She gasps, turning around with a startled expression. "How…how did you…get in here," she stammers as she looks past him to the open door to her apartment. "Did you break the lock?"

"I was tempted," he replies with a soft smile as he slowly heads back to the door and closes it to give her some extra privacy. "But…" he pauses as he turns to face her, leaning against the door and looking at her in sorrow as he explains himself, "I was calling and I came here….heard the noise, knocked several times, called, didn't get an answer…"

"And you broke the lock?"

"I got the super to let me in."

"What? How?" She asks with a frown, not sure if she wants to yell at him or thank him for his concern.

"I said I was your boyfriend and showed them my badge," Ed answers sheepishly. "I had to know you were okay. But if you want me to leave, I'll leave, just say the word."

"I…"

"Don't…I don't want you to be alone right now," he manages in torment. "It's not good…trust me."

"I don't want pity."

"I'm not here to pity you, I promise. Please?"

She notices the red rimmed blue orbs and feels her heart sink; he's trying so hard to be brave for her and she had returned the favor by making him panic.

"Boyfriend?" She retorts with a small shake of her head.

"Was better than breaking the lock," he slightly smirks as he pushes himself away from the door and slowly walks toward her. "I was worried."

"I keep reliving that moment over and over," she utters in a tormented whisper as she gives him a half turn, her eyes watering once more. "I didn't want to kill her."

"Come here," he entreats as he pulls her into his strong arms and holds her close. "I know you didn't," he states in truth as he kisses the top of her damp head.

"You said this job doesn't get easier. Maybe I don't belong…"

"No, don't use today as an excuse to quit," his tone begs as he pulls back slightly and looks down at her. "I wish for your sake you could do today over but you can't….none of us can."

"She would have done the world a huge favor," Donna states sharply as she pulls away and heads into the kitchen. "She had so much pain inside…" her voice trails off as she casts a glance to see Ed stop and lean against the wall beside the kitchen. "She didn't deserve to die."

"I know," he nods, his throat offering a small swallow at her pitiful sight. "I wish I could say something…anything to take away the pain, but I can't."

"It's okay," she whispers as she turns away once more, her hand slightly trembling as it tries to pour a cup of hot coffee. Within seconds his tender hand his covering hers, holding the plastic handle and flooding the entire right side of her both with comforting warmth. She closes her eyes and leans back against his strong chest, her eyes watering once more. "I didn't want her to die."

"Of course you didn't and that's what makes it so hard, for any of us. You're human Donna and it's gonna hurt."

"I can't do this."

"Yes you can," Ed says as he gently pries the coffee pot handle out of her fingers and then turns her to face him. "Coffee isn't the best right now. I want you to rest and I'll…"

"I'm fine and can manage on my own."

"I know but…" he stops, his face displaying a frustrated frown. She looks up into the gentle blue sapphire pools and feels herself starting to drown in their loving warmth all over again. He was here…he could have gone home, turned on the TV and let her fight her emotional battle alone; but he was here. Could have let her be the one to call him if she so needed; but he took the lead, made the first move and that was worth more than she could even verbalize to him right now.

"Ed..."

"Donna I know you are not weak, in fact your strength is one of the things I like and admire most about you," he starts into his heartfelt confession, "but showing your weakness in private to someone who cares is also a sign of strength. Please let me help you."

"I feel like I could literally crumble right now and I don't want you to see that," she insists as she reaches for the coffee handle once more. But she stops and places the hot glass bottom down onto the counter top, his swift actions replacing it back onto its protective stand. "I murdered her."

"No, you did your job and that's final," Ed tries to convince her as he gently pulls her back from the counter once more. "Please let me…"

"What Ed? Take care of me? I didn't join…" she tries only to have him place a soft finger on her trembling lips.

"Yes because I want to," he replies in truth as he leans in and plants a soft kiss on her forehead. "Now I haven't eaten and I'm guessing neither have you so why don't…"

"I'm not hungry," she pulls away with a sigh. "I just want something strong to drink…"

"And that's why I'm here to make sure you don't do that," he quickly pulls her hand back from the small liquor cupboard. "Donna, I've been here…please let me get us both through tonight."

Get us both through…the words finally penetrate into her mind and heart and she literally collapses in his strong arms, forcing him to quickly grab her frame and hold her close. She has no more words, only a few extra tears to expel but he doesn't care; he'll let her get it out anyway she has to. So they stand in her kitchen in silence, her arms wrapped around his, clinging to him for all she was worth and his arms holding her up, stroking her back, while his lips try to whisper reassurances.

"I keep seeing her fall...keep hearing the shot...seeing the blood and know...damn it Ed I took the shot."

"The order was given...and you followed it. If you weren't remorseful then I'd be concerned."

"You're not?" She slightly teases and his face relaxes. "Tonight was hell."

"I know."

A few minutes later, he feels her starting to sag even further into his grasp and so without a word, carefully picks her up in his arms and carries her to her bedroom, gently deposits her onto the bedspread and then eases himself down beside her.

"Why don't you get changed into something to sleep in and I'll find us something to eat."

She hears the pleading in his tone and looks at the expression of remorse on his handsome face and knows she could never turn him away; she wasn't that strong.

"Okay," Ed nods after getting her nod of agreement, lingering before he takes his leave.

"You can stay."

"I want to," he confesses, "but I better not," he replies in truth. "Be right back," he whispers as he kisses the top of her head once more and then leaves, allowing her her privacy.

Donna quickly gets up off the bed, tosses the robe and pulls on a pair of black sweat pants and a sweatshirt. But her stomach isn't in the mood to eat so instead of going in search of him in her kitchen, she pulls back the covers and climbs inside, flipping onto her side as her eyes water once more. I took the shot. Me.

Ed tosses his jacket onto a nearby kitchen chair and then heads back into the kitchen once more, shaking his head at the sight of her nearly empty fridge. "And they say men are bad at this," he mutters to himself as he pulls back and then thinks about plan B – ordering in a pizza.

He heads toward her bedroom, pausing outside to make sure that she wasn't still changing before slowly pushing open the bedroom door. What he sees makes his heart sink in seconds. She was in bed, curled on her side, quietly crying.

Damn it, he curses himself as he heads around to the other side of the bed and without a verbal invitation climbs on, remaining atop the covers she was buried under. He sinks down a bit further before pulling her onto his chest, and holding her close.

"I'm not hungry," she insists as she looks up at him with a frown.

"That's okay," he agrees as his finger gently brushes away a stray tear. "Maybe later."

"Thank you," she tells him with a small frown. "I'm glad you're here."

"Me to," he assures her with a tender smile as he tucks a damp golden strand behind her ear. "I want you just to rest okay?"

"I'll have nightmares."

"I'll be here for them."

"For how long?"

"Until they're gone," he whispers as he kisses her cheek. "Just close your eyes and rest right now. We'll talk later if you need to."

"Okay."

Her head slumps back down onto his chest as she starts to quietly relive the day in an angry verbal tirade. She wasn't wanting him to answer back, just listen; the deed was done and the day over. She hadn't planned on showing him this side of her, only wanting to appear strong and in control to him; but hearing his confession earlier that he did care, gave her the newly found inner strength to want to confide in him, having the unspoken reassurance that he wasn't going to judge her in any way. Maybe it would draw them closer? Of that she hoped, but knows one thing is certain, tonight she needs to crumble and it was only into his arms she wants to allow herself to do that. He let it happen and that would give her the courage to get past this and move on.

She feels his arms tighten around her, loving comfort starting to wash over her as she closes her eyes and surrenders to his gentle touch, his soft voice trying to lull her to sleep, telling her if he had to, he'd sit with her all night and she was going to be just fine. His strong arms keep her safe and protected enough to know that she can succumb to the darkness and her protector would be there to ensure her safe return back to the light.

"Goodnight," she whispers before she's quickly whisked away into the tormented realm of first shot sinners; joining those before her in a few sleepless hours before fatigue would ensure the last few would be solid enough to get her to function the next day.

And he would watch over her until he too fell asleep in place, his mind taking comfort in the fact that she was still held tightly in his grasp, his mind reveling in the knowledge that in her darkest hour she entrusted her care to him. His arms would always be open for her and her alone.


A/N: Your reviews really help to keep us inspired for this pairing so please review if you liked it and thanks so much in advance! And remember lol Sophie doesn't exist so please don't say that Ed's cheating, he's free and clear in this world *grin* :D

PS: I hope you also all liked the last update for Good Son.