Chapter One

Yaz was already on the ground, waiting for Ryan as he slowly progressed down the crane. The Doctor seemed to just have reached the top of the ladders safely with Karl. It was incredibly late but, thankfully, not very cold.

Despite the night filled with life threatening dangers and the constant fear running through their veins, there was still one detail that lingered: Ryan and Yaz couldn't help but smile. The same feeling of joy and exhilaration once they realized that crazy women, the Doctor they had heard her saying, had really saved them.

Yaz assisted Ryan on the last few steps as they both silently agreed to wait for their new friend. The alien (?) that had fallen from the sky, no name, no documents, no records. Just 'the doctor'. They hadn't started questioning things yet though, their minds were just catching up with the events from the last hours. For now, Yaz could only pinpoint a feeling of unease hanging on the back of her head.

The Doctor was on the last bits of the ladder, her whole body was buzzing with energy, completely entrailing Yaz. She jumped down, taking a deep breath as she laid her hands on her hips. The three of them stared at each other uncomfortably for a few seconds, until Ryan bravely spoke:

"How did you even do that?" He was breathing a little hard, probably from trying to get down the ladders too quickly.

"Ah, you know. Almost 2000 years of running away and crashing into stuff will teach you how to get down ladders quickly. Or how to fall from them and only break one arm. Also! I might have had a lot of sugar in the past few hours, at least more than I should've."

Yaz opened her mouth to question the '2000 years' part but was cut off as the Doctor continued on her weird rant:

"I guess it actually depends on what you consider 'a lot'. For humans three pots are 'a lot' but again, depends on the person. Ah! It just feels so nice to be me again. I mean, not exactly me, but me… yeah… " She nodded at them, big grin on her face, very satisfied with her words somehow.

Ryan was the first one to have a decent reaction. He ran towards the base of the other crane, probably to check on Grace and Graham. Yaz looked up from her feet and sent a sheepish look at the Doctor's direction, curiosity and wonder mixing up. She felt her cheeks growing slightly warmer as the two made eye contact that lasted for just a little more than a second.

The Doctor's eyes were bright, shining along with the stars. She opened her mouth excitedly, ready to start rambling on more impossible things no one here would understand. But then something caught her attention. Her face was becoming more neutral by the second, her smile being the first one to go, slowly dissolving into darkness. A deep unexpected apprehension took root in her features.

All the energy, all the happiness vanished in a single glance of those eyes. Not sadness, but she couldn't tell exactly what.

Yasmin looked around, turning from one side to another, to see if there was anything dangerous close to them to cause that reaction.

Was that… was someone crying?

They both ran towards the whimpering until they were close enough to recognize the figures. The scene they arrived at was plain horrible: Grace's body was laying flat on the ground, Graham was kneeled down and Ryan seemed to have fallen down just beside her.

It didn't take much for the two women to figure out what had happened.

"Is… is she…" Yaz couldn't gather the courage to finish that sentence.

Graham was the one to notice their approach, he closed his eyes deeply into sorrow. He slowly got up and distanced himself from the body slightly; Graham lifted his hands to his face as his shoulders visibly started to quiver.

"No. No no no no." the Doctor was standing a few steps behind Yaz. She was standing completely still, abruptly stopping once she realized the reason for the crying. Just beside her, she could feel the Doctor's body exploding with energy, but so, so much different from before.

"This was NOT supposed to happen. No. NO."

Oh. Yaz finally understood. It was rage.

The Doctor kneeled down where Graham had been and her fingers raced to Grace's neck, desperately looking for any sign of life she grab onto. Any trace of hope she could find.

"Grace… No no no, please."

Yaz felt a painful tug on her stomach as reality started to sink in. There would be no pulse, Grace had broken her spine in half. Ryan's crying was becoming louder as the seconds passed, dissipating any possible rational thought.

The Doctor eyed him with worry in her eyes, breathing becoming heavy. She started to check her pockets compulsively, rummaging through the scrapped and burnt coat, looking for an inexistent device that could magically fix the situation.

"Doctor, stop it!" Ryan's voice was shaking so much, as if every word was punching him in the gut. "She's dead!"

Yaz reached for both of them, shielding her emotions as she was taught to do with the police, trying to take control of the situation. No panic. She laid her hand on the Doctor's back who violently flinched away.

"NO. DON'T TOUCH ME!"

Her shouting was so unexpected it made Yaz trip over her own feet. She stepped away as fast as she could. How could this be the same person from before? How could she have become so scary in such a short period of time?

The Doctor's voice was laced with raw power and strength when she spoke again, after a few seconds of sincere shock had went by:

"You can't understand. Three people have died tonight. Now… I have to add Grace to that list."

Her eyes were heavy; she also wasn't able to focus anywhere for more than a second, her hands at her side started to fidget, palm opening and fingers moving quickly. She then closed them into tight fists, still looking down:

"This wasn't supposed to happen. Not on my watch. Not- not again…"

Seeing as she was the only one able to move, Yaz tried her best to incarnate the police officer she was training to be. She fished her phone from her coat, already dialing the number from the top of her head:

"I'm going to call someone to take the body… Doctor, listen to me. It wasn't your fault those people died. It's going to be-"

"NO! NO, IT WON'T!" the Doctor interrupted her, easily getting Ryan and Graham's attention. She stood up, forehead tense and nose scrunched. "I was supposed to save everyone. That's my job, my duty to care and only mine!" She accentuated the words, angrily gesturing with her hands. She paused but the atmosphere gave no space for any of them to reply.

"I am just so bloody tired. Every. Time. Every single time! The harder I try the worse it gets. The more careful I am, the bigger the stakes become. The more I get attached the faster I lose them." Her rage slowed down as she finished the last sentence, but still dripping with rancor.

Lips trembling, Yaz saw the Doctor taking a few steps away from the body, respectfully. The Doctor firmly pressed her palms to her face, covering her mouth and nose with both hands. A deep sigh; the calmness before the storm.

"She shouldn't have done this… Nobody should besides me… WHY CAN'T YOU HUMANS UNDERSTAND THAT?" the Doctor furiously turned her body around to face the three of them, the shouting startling them all for the second time.

Her arms fell numbly to her sides as the Doctor looked up directly to the stars. "Why do I have to keep going through this? Why do I keep making myself go through this over and over and over again?"

They watched her wide-eyed as the Doctor seemed to have run out of energy altogether. She walked a little further from them and proceeded to sit down on the dirt, crossing her legs and leaning all her weight on her elbows on her knees. Yaz could see her sorrow and, although she didn't understand it yet, she knew how much it was hurting.

She looked back to check on Ryan and Graham and after silently nodding at them, Yaz walked carefully in the Doctor's direction, both to give the boys more privacy and to try and give some sort of comfort to her.

Yaz picked her phone and, thankfully, it answered on the second beeping

"Hello, this is police officer Yasmin Khan… In the construction yard of 37th street, need transport. Only one… Thank you." She sighed, relieved to stop faking the neutrality in her voice.

Yaz finally sat down next to the Doctor, bending her knees up to her chest, the way she did when she was a little girl. A few minutes seemed to go by. The words that followed were barely audible whispers coming from her right:

"It's Clara all over again. Every time they try to save the day, they try to act like me and this happens… I miss them… So, so much. And the worst is that I can't stop, Yaz. I can't stop running, trying to push it all behind, pretending I can ignore it all ever happened."

Yaz remained silent as she simply didn't know how she could possibly answer that. Graham and Ryan seemed to be paying attention to her monologue as well.

"I really miss them, you have no idea… Adric, Jenny, River. And there's also all those that I never even met. Countless bodies I will never know the names of…"

The Doctor was controlling herself, she wouldn't start crying here. Not now, not so soon. She had a bright new start; a new face, another chance.

Her head hung low, she forced her eyes closed. Yaz held out her hand hesitantly and laid it on her back, for a second try. The Doctor didn't flinch this time.

It took about thirty minutes until they came to take the body away.

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