Chapter One
Kylo was pacing, again. He has found it near impossible to focus on his work in the days since Crait. Her eyes haunt him. They follow him through everything he does. The anger, loss and hurt he saw there almost an exact reflection of his own. Kylo doesn't know how long he sat on the floor of that Resistance base, long enough to let himself take that loss and hurt and let it develop into rage. Loss and hurt he can not use, rage he can. Rage fuels his actions. After these last several days, the rage has dissipated, and he has been left with regret and loneliness.
With his master gone, and his ascension in the First Order, there has been plenty to keep him busy, but he is so filled with regret at letting Rey leave him, letting her believe that power and destruction was all he cared about, he simply could not find the will to even sign the stacks of files that Hux brought him. He was sure that Snoke had not been made to deal with such mundane tasks, and knew Hux was simply toying with him. The rabid cur had been furious that Kylo Ren was ascending as Supreme Leader, but had smartly kept his lips sealed, in Kylo's company at least.
Kylo groaned with the frustration that spread throughout him with each beat of his heart. The bond had been empty for days, and though he hated to admit it, he desperately missed the hazel eyes that had last looked at him with such disgust and hurt. He had considered, the next time he saw her, telling her he regretted his decision, and begging her to allow him to join her. He knew, however that if he did go to her, the Resistance would try him for war crimes with whatever justice system they had, and he would be executed, no matter what General Organa, or Rey could do or say in his defense. His crimes where unforgivable, and he knew as much. He felt it every night in his dreams when he felt Han Solo's hand on his face and saw his body drop off that walk way. He groaned again, his pacing getting more agitated.
Finally, after one final circle around his office, Kylo sat at his desk and decided he would go through some of the endless files, and try to distract himself from the gaping hole he felt.
"Supreme Leader," came the irritating voice of Hux through his comm," I have more reports, the fleet has successfully begun the integration process on Falleen. You will need to go through them and then decide the best use of this most recent conquest."
Kylo resisted the urge to roll his eyes. More useless paperwork for a planet they knew they would just use as a training outpost for the Stormtroopers, as well as a resource planet, where they can build weapons and ships.
"Send them in Hux," Kylo states, letting the boredom seep into his voice, so Hux knows exactly how much he enjoys his incessant paperwork.
An officer walked into his office then; she was short, obviously one of the younger officers that they had to promote since the Supremacy was lost. Kylo wondered if Hux had this young officer bring in the files for fear of Kylo's temper, which had been exceedingly worse the last several days. He had already destroyed several rooms and several desks, he let his bouts of rage take him, knowing there was no need for him to control himself now that there was no one there to ridicule him, save for Hux. The young woman gingerly set the stacks on his desk and he waved her away.
The door shut almost silently behind the girl, and Kylo found himself sinking low into his chair, all energy and motivation drained from him. He sighed heavily as he pulled the first of the files off the stack and starts flipping through it, eyes not really seeing the papers in front of him. He was slowly making his way through the stacks of paperwork when he felt it, the slight beating, like butterfly wings on his subconscious. He immediately moved to his feet, eyes searching for her. He wanted to explain, was desperate to explain, why she must come to him. He also needed to know why she had left him there, unconscious in Snoke's throne room. Finally, he saw her, she was situated into the corner of his office, he saw her stiffen when she sensed him, but she continued whatever conversation that the bond had interrupted. He wondered for a moment if she was going to ignore him, but she quickly ended the conversation and turned toward him.
He was relieved when he saw that her eyes held no disgust, just annoyance and confusion.
"I had hoped the bond would have ended with Snoke's death," Rey's voice was hard, tense, and Kylo tried to not let the hurt show on his face.
"No you don't, admit that you're relieved to know is wasn't him who made us act in such a way," Kylo's hurt seeped into his voice before he could help it, and his hands clenched into fists,and he knows he would have drawn blood if it were not for the thick leather gloves.
Rey sputters and shakes her head,"Of course I am! However, that does not change that fact that if you had simply let go of what you have done, we would be together. The Light in you is getting stronger, I can feel it. I could have helped you nurture it,Ben. We could have changed your future. We could be together right now if you had just come with me. It never mattered to me if Snoke had created the bond, all that mattered to me was saving you, bringing you to the Light."
Kylo refrained from rolling his eyes for the second time that afternoon," Did you think about what would have happened if I had gone with you, had given in? I would have been tried for my war crimes, and eventually executed, neither you or my mo-General Organa could have saved me from the fate that awaited my surrender, but you, as Supreme Leader, I could have protected you, I could have given you everything if you had only chosen me. Not the dark, not the light, just me."
Rey's mouth opened, shut, and then she was gone. Kylo Ren's fists find the nearest object, his desk, and he beats against it, papers flying. He keeps beating until he feels one of the knuckles in his left hand crack, and then beats with just his right until he gets the same result again. He rips off his gloves, hissing at the pain that shoots up into his arms. The fingers had already started to swell, and the knuckles were bruising and bloody. This will require a trip to the medical bay, and some condescending looks from his second-in-command. Kylo slowly pulls his gloves back on, ignoring how they put painful pressure on the swelling appendages.
Kylo stalked out of his office, injured hands secured behind his back. Hux approached him immediately, but Kylo pushed him back without even looking at him.
"Not now, Hux," came Kylo's low growl as the ginger haired man stumbled backwards. The man did not attempt to approach a second time.
The walk to the medical bay was a long one, and Kylo spent the walk thinking of how he once again seemed to destroy yet another possibly hopeful conversation. He had wanted so badly to simply explain why he could not come to her, but he had gotten angry with her, for not realizing that while she believed what she saw was true, he had seen the opposite, so how could they both be correct? They both would have to yield something to be together, to find the balance the Force so desperately wants them to.
The Stormtroopers and officers in the hall inched passed him, frightened by the rage billowing off of him in waves. If only she had let go, let go of who she thought she was, who she knew she was not. If she could just face the fact that she would never be a Jedi, and he never a Sith, then they could finally be together, and could rule by his side, and they would bring balance to the galaxy, and the Force.
He stalked into the medical bay and was immediately approached by his personal medical droid, who escorted him to one of the enclosed rooms to treat him. He was here almost often enough to justify having a medical droid in his chambers, but he is sure he would not be able to stand the snide looks that his second-in-command would give him if he requested it.
He roughly pulls the gloves off again and offers his hands to the droid. He rarely admits to himself how the pain helps him focus, gives him control of it and provides a body for it, but the thought also makes him sick. He was so twisted, such a disgrace, a stain on the Skywalker name. It was no wonder that he had been abandoned to the temple with that near-stranger, he was so reproachful, even as a child, taking focus from his pain. He remembered those years at the temple,using his bruises to push him ahead in learning the Force. He had tried to convince himself that it was Snoke, that he had placed such a disgusting habit in him as a child, but even now he found comfort in the pain.
