Just so you know, there will be a sequel to this story. Feel free to send emails with comments and criticism. Hope you like it.

Summary- I never heard him say 'I love you'. Now I have bigger problems to worry about… like the dead body I left behind.

Category – Angst

Disclaimor- I don't own X-Men the movie or its characters. Don't sue me.

Continuity- X-Men 1

Never said 'I love you'

Chapter 1 of Rogue Series

By R

Thump!

I watched as he packed what few things he had in that army duffel bag. One thing you had to admit about Logan, he packed quickly.

"So where are you going?" I asked, trying to make it sound casual.

"A cabin up in western Canada," said Logan, not bothering to look up. I suppose I should feel special for being told that. Anyone else who asked would get a 'none of your damn business' comment. But I still nervously pulled at a strand of my hair. This will be the first time he leaves since IT happened. Since we ended up going from friends to sharing a bed at night. I'm not sure when he decided he wanted to change the relationship. Maybe it was because I learned how to control my mutant power. As for me? Lets face it, I wanted to change the relationship within a week of meeting him.

"Will you write?" I ask. You know I really hate that. We're having sex for Gods sakes. Girlfriends shouldn't even have to ask if their boyfriends would write. But Logan is no normal boyfriend. In fact we never really even officially discussed if this was an official boyfriend/girlfriend thing. Him because, well, his Logan. Me because… well maybe I'm just a little afraid of him saying its less than that.

"Of course," he says with a rare grin. I smile back and feel a bit better. So I take a step back and let him out of the room. Give him one last hug and kiss before he goes. His lips feel good and so do the strong arms that hold me. I was going to miss that.

It was Bobby and Kitty who made me decide to go after him. One of the few things I'm thankful for is that Bobby and me stayed good friends after we broke up. Anyway, he and Kitty soon began dating and hit it off just right. I was just passing their table when

Bobby goes-

"You know I love you right?"

And Kitty blushed and said-

"Of course, I love you too."

It was one of those sweet, sick moments that sometimes caused Jubilee to make gagging noises. I have to admit I found the lovey dove talk a bit too much sometimes myself. But then it hit me… Logan never said 'I love you'. I said it, actually I screamed it while riding him in bed. And I even whispered it while we snuggled under the covers. But he never did. He would groan my name and make me feel utter bliss, but he never said 'I love you'.

I realized then I had to go after him. I couldn't wait until he got back. I needed to know as soon as possible what I was to him. Because if I was going to be someone who was never going to hear that from him… well one step at a time. Lucky for me, he left a map in his room of where the cabin was. And the Professor let us take a trip once a year away from the school, paid fully by him. I never asked for that perk before, never had anywhere I really wanted to go. Now I do…

All that hair Logan has on his body. The black curls that go from his ankles to his neck. I normally would never want to be that hairy. But at the moment I would have taken any edge I could get against the freezing cold. Snow was flying into my face and I was trying to scrunch up into my jacket as best I could as I hiked up the hill. Thanks to the Professor, it was easy to get a flight over to Canada, and then rent a car to drive the rest of the ways.

Now I had to just suffer the half a mile walk from the road to the cabin. I could see the light from its window as a beacon for me to follow. After a lot of cursing that I learned from Logan, I got to the front door and went inside. Good thing it wasn't locked because I would have broken a window if I needed to. Then I froze…

The fireplace was lit up and naturally clothes were all over the place. No one ever said neatness was Logan's strength. It was the green lamp that got my attention though- more specifically, the broken lamp. Shattered with at least a dozen pieces scattered across the floor. Second strange thing to note, the cushion was shredded. I recognized that Logan's claws punctured it. Now as I said before Logan isn't a neat person, but that doesn't mean he leaves broken furniture and lamps around.

But it was the footsteps I heard behind a closed door that really got the hairs on my neck up. I know the sound of Logan when he walks. He has adamantium bones for crying out loud. Unless he was sneaking up on you, his footfalls were loud and solid. Those footfalls I was hearing though were too quick and soft to be his. So here is the situation, messed up room, a not-Logan person in the cabin, and Logan was clear that he would be alone here.

Almost being killed a few times can make you a cautious person and I knew until I could figure out all the facts I had to be careful. I didn't know who was in there or why, but I wasn't going to chance being killed by one of Logan's enemies who could have come searching for him. As soon as I spotted the hunting rifle hanging on the wall, I carefully picked it up. It was loaded and while I'm not an expert marksman, I can point and shoot.

I slowly stepped towards the door.

What if you're wrong? What if it is Logan?

Well if I accidentally shoot him, he'll get over it. Healing factor ya know.

I took a deep breath and then sent my foot against the door.

THUMP!

Red hair…

It's always the red hair you look at first with Jean. Every male would look at that hair with desire, female would look at it with envy. She wasn't wearing anything and oh look… she is a natural red head. She was covered in sweat that seemed to make her glimmer. The bed covers were ripped apart and wet. She looked so damn beautiful… Perfect… Desirable…

BANG!

She just had her mouth hanging open. Didn't get a chance to utter a word. Not even a squeak. Her chest burst open when the bullet hit her. The bullet didn't stop there though. It went through her body to the other side, leaving another hole in her back. That was one powerful hunting rifle. The crimson blood seemed to only add an unnatural beauty as it slid down her chest. Red hair… red body… She collapsed to the floor.

I don't know how long I stood there. Ten minutes, a half hour, who knows. First there was the not so clear idea of what happened. I looked down at the gun and then at Jean. Ok… you see Jean, you pull trigger, gun goes Bang, and Jean falls down. I dropped the gun and slowly crouched down. Maybe she was ok. I mean X-Men survive Brotherhood mutants and military soldiers. They can't just die from a gun being fired by accident.

But I knew she was dead when I looked at that face. No breathing… not even a faint flaring of the nostrils. And it looks like I hit her heart. Maybe that was why there was so much blood.

"Jean I… accident," I muttered. But that word 'accident', it sounded wrong. Because deep down I knew it wasn't true. Her naked body and the bed showed what Logan sure thought of me. For a second I felt a sudden feeling of pleasure. I showed perfect Jean she couldn't get away with everything.

"Damn it."

I didn't want to feel like that. I didn't want to be someone who could just blow someone away and feel good about it. Not even for Logan. I swallowed as I looked back at the hunting rifle. Would I have fired if I had the rifle slung over my shoulder? Or if I had to load it first? If it hadn't been so easy, just a pulling of a trigger, could I have stopped myself before doing it? Guess I'll never know.

So I just killed someone… now what? I didn't know where Logan was, but he was probably going to be back soon. How mad would he be that his real true love was dead because of me? Probably the worst he would do is make me as dead as Jean. Least worst is break up. I almost laughed when thinking that. Had there really ever been anything to 'break up' in the first place?

The Professor and others were going to hate me. Could forget visits when I go to jail. I think I had already decided then I was going to turn myself in. I mean what was the point of trying to run? I'd have the best mutant tracker and telepath trying to find me. Maybe if I go to prison… well as stupid as it sounds maybe I could just start over there. Make a fresh start away from X-Men who would wish I were the one dead. The more I thought about it, the more sure I was.

I slowly got up and walked to the cushion. I took a seat and pulled out my cell phone. The door opened with a creaking sound. I turned to see Logan taking of his coat and hanging it. He paused in mid-step when he realized it was I on the coach and not Jean.

"Marie what are you doing here?" asked Logan. There was a hint of fear in his voice. Well he seemed to care a little that I didn't discover his red-head secret. What do ya know, it wasn't just sex with us.

"Calling the police," I said as I began dialing 911 on my cell-phone.

"Huh?"

I guess I could have elaborated more, but he was going to figure it out pretty soon. Yep there he goes to the other room.

"JEAN!"

I could hear the ringing and then a click.

" This is 911, what is your emergency?"

"I shot someone and now they're dead. I'd like to turn myself in."

"I-what? I mean where are you?"

Guess they aren't used to killers calling to turn themselves in.

"I'm at-"

Logan took the phone out of my hand and turned it off. I was honestly surprised. I figured he would need at least a few minutes to cope with Jean's body lying in her own blood.

"What… how… she's…"

Ok so he does need a few minutes to cope.

He was taking deep breaths, obviously not quite sure what to say. As for me, I was preparing for it. The 'it' being when he went into a rage and stabbed me with those very sharp claws. And you know what? I was looking forward to it. Lets just end this whole fucked up night with me killed by Logan. At least then it couldn't get worst.

Logan slowly put the cell phone down and then grabbed my shoulders. I could practically feel the metal finger bones under flesh as they squeezed me.

"What happened Marie? Did someone come in here and kill Jean?" asked Logan, sounding totally sincere.

Crap… crap… crap…

He just heard me confess on the stupid phone! Why is he asking that? He really doesn't think I did this. That actually hurts more than the claws. He thinks I'm so good that I could never do that. Even when he practically has all the evidence before him. Well sorry to disappoint ya Logan.

"I came to the cabin to surprise ya," I said. There was no way I was going to say why I really came here. Logan just kept watching me, waiting for me to keep talking. Damn it I wish he'd show me something, anger, fear, anything.

"I saw your living room was a mess and heard someone in your bedroom. I could tell it wasn't you and you said you'd be here alone. So I grabbed the rifle and kicked the door open to see who was there," I said. I could see Logan flinch at the part of 'you said you'd be here alone'. Guess I'm not one to give out guilt right now though.

"And then Jean surprised you and you accidentally shot her," said Logan with a nod. I had to blink a few times when he said that. He used that tone that meant he didn't want any argument. And I had to admit I was tempted right then. Just go with what he just said and maybe everything could go back to being a little normal.

But there was a part of me that wanted to rebel against what he said. That part of me still hurting after all this, that didn't want to give him that delusion. And it was just a delusion. The Professor would know that with one look in my head. Might as well just have the truth out now.

"No Logan, I saw her naked and recently fucked by you. And just pulled the damn trigger when I realized what I was seeing," I said. Damn, just saying it out loud made me feel good. Logan sure didn't look happy though.

"Marie stop shitting, it was a accident."

"No Logan."

"Yes."

"Lo-"

"I SAID IT WAS A DAMN ACCIDENT!"

"It wasn't an accident. I really wish it were. I wish I could take back pulling the trigger, but I can't. I shot her Logan, while knowing who it was," I said. Logan scratched at his scalp and seemed to just stare at me. I had no idea what was going through his head.

"Can I have my cell phone?"

"Huh?"

"I was going to call the police. Turn myself in," I said. His bushy brows scrunched up.

"No," he said as he placed the cell phone in his pocket. Oh…. Damn. He was really going to do it.

"Look… just make it quick ok? Maybe I don't deserve even that, but that's all I'm asking," I said as I swallowed. I've seen Logan kill before. Sometimes it was a quick slash of the throat, sometimes it was a claw in the gut. The claw in the gut usually caused the guy to choke on his on blood before dying. Suddenly all those memories of people he killed seemed a lot more intense. I was already staring at those wrists, waiting for the claws to pop out. I could hear a growl rise up from his throat.

"Stop smelling like that… I don't want you to smell like your afraid of me," said Logan as he knelt closer to me. I scooted a few inches away from him.

"Sorry, instinctive reaction when you're about to be killed. Just get it over with please," I said. I was pleading for him to kill me, sounds damn ridiculous. But the suspense was driving me nuts. I just wanted it over with. He didn't say anything though. Just stared at me and I couldn't tell what he was thinking or feeling. I used to, but… I guess I just didn't trust my instincts anymore when it came to him. I mean lets face it, I really didn't know him as well as I thought.

"I'm not going to kill you," said Logan while sounding cold and angry, just like the storm outside. Then he stood up.

"Stay here."

Wild horses couldn't drag me from this spot. He walked into the bedroom where Jean was and closed the door. There was the sound of drawers opening and closing. Clothes being moved, and then the door was open again. He had that army duffel bag over his shoulder again and walked towards me. There was a white sheet covering Jean's body, but you could see the blood already begin to stain it.

"You bring a car here?"

"Yeah,"

"We're leaving it and taking my truck."

"To where?" I asked. Did he want to take me to the police station himself?

"I'll tell you when I think your ready to know. Until then you don't ask any questions. You just do as I say. Got it," he said. If he had ever said anything like that to me yesterday, I would have given him a good tongue-lashing. But lets face it, I was a cold-blooded murderer and didn't have the right to protest. At least Logan only killed those who tried to kill him. I blew away an unarmed woman.

"Ok," I just said, as my shoulders seem to slag. I just felt… broken. And Logan actually looked disappointed. Like he was hoping I'd act like my old self and argued with him.

"Lets go."

I was the first one through the door and got a good blast of cold air and snow. Then Logan moved himself between the incoming winds and me as we walked down the hill. Basically using himself as a barrier against it. I didn't get why he did it, but at the moment I just didn't care.

We drove for hours in his old red truck. Heading farther and farther north. I still didn't have any clue where he was taking me. He already past a few towns so it looked like he wasn't dropping me off at a police station. We hadn't spoken since we got it in the truck. Logan finally glanced at me and broke the silence.

"There's some food in the glove compartment," he said. That heighten hearing he has probably heard my growling stomach. I opened up the glove compartment and pulled out a plastic bag of beef jerky. I couldn't stop myself from looking from it to Logan. It was like deja vu, the first time we met. I was hungry, asked him for food and he told me to go have the beef jerky in the glove compartment. Boy is he regretting picking me up from that road now.

I began chewing on the jerky while staring outside. The snowstorm was over and you could see the night sky. Logan pulled the truck off the road, onto a parking lot of a motel. It was called Comfort Motel, but didn't look anywhere near comfortable. Stained walls and rusty metal doors didn't exactly make it charming.

"Come on," he said as he opened his door. I just opened mine and followed. I was itching to ask where we were going, but he said no questions. And to tell the truth I actually liked the silence. Any talking will eventually lead to talking about the murder I did.

He got us room number nine, a two bedroom. I was honestly expected the beds to be those that vibrate when you put a quarter in their slot. But no luck there. When Logan closed the door, we just stared at each other. I don't think either of us knew for sure what to say. Finally I cleared my throat.

"I need to go to the bathroom," I said. He just nodded and began pulling the covers off the bed. I turned around and stepped inside the bathroom. I closed the door just as he pulled his shirt off. Logan likes to sleep naked, but I REALLY hoped he wasn't going to this time. I just didn't want to see him naked. I didn't want to see the muscular body that I would never be touching again.

After using the toilet, I decided to just try to kill time doing something else in the bathroom. One thing girls are good at is taking up a lot of time in the bathroom. I took out a few things from my purse and began shaving my legs. That's when it happened…

I cut myself with the razor. Not life threatening, but it wasn't pretty either. Drops of blood went down my leg and hit the white tile floor. I just stared as that blood made spots on the white floor. Images of Jean's blood practically showering the floor entered my mind.

My life was over… Oh sure if I had only found out Logan was sleeping behind my back with Jean, I would probably be thinking the same thing. But I could have gotten over that. Maybe it would take months, even a few years, but I could have moved on with life without Logan. But could I move on without friends and family that I considered the X-Men to be? No one at that school was going to want anything to do with me now. I didn't have anyone.

I could feel the tears on my cheeks before I even realized I was going to cry. They slid down and hit the white tile floor as well. I couldn't control myself. I was alone and scared and I couldn't stop myself from sobbing like a damn little girl.

Boom! Boom!

The banging on the door made me scoot a little from the bathroom door. But it wasn't enough to stop me from crying some more. I could feel my nose running as well. I was a damn mess.

"Marie! Marie are you alright? I can smell blood in there! Open up!"

He didn't even wait a second for me to reach for the doorknob. One good kick and he had the bathroom door flipping open. And there he stood, dressed in nothing but boxers. I put my hands over my face. I didn't want him to see me like this. I couldn't see it, but I could feel the arms slide under me. He lifted me up effortlessly and was making 'shh' noises as he held me to his hairy chest.

If I weren't crying my eyes out, I'd be laughing at this. He was holding me like some baby, muttering words about how everything was going to be all right. All I needed was a baby diaper and pacifier to finish the image.

I grabbed onto his neck and held him tight. He felt warm, hairy, and… and well solid. Just so solid and I really needed something solid to hold onto right then.

I don't know when I stopped hiccupping and crying. Logan was rubbing my back with one hand. The other hand moved through my hair, stroking it. I thinking it was the stroking my hair that made me stop. Just the feel of those fingers going from my temple to my neck relaxed me. I almost whimpered when he stopped and used that hand to grab a towel. With in a minute he wiped off the blood and shaving cream from my legs.

I could feel him moving out of the bathroom towards the bed. I didn't open my eyes yet. Maybe a part of me was scared that these things he was doing would stop once I opened my eyes. Touching me, making me feel safe.

I could feel him lower me to the bed. His arms moved away from my body, but mine were still firmly in place around his thick neck. He gave a small tug, but I didn't let go.

"Marie darling, do you want me to sleep in the same bed with you tonight?" he whispered right above my ear. Funny, I hadn't heard 'darling' since the last time we… well that didn't matter. I finally opened my eyes, well more like crack them open. He was so close, his nose was only inches away. I'm still not able to read him well, but it didn't take a genius that a guy who hated you wouldn't go carrying you to bed. But he could be pitying me. He wasn't really the type who showed people pity, but I was in a pretty pitiful situation. I needed to learn to cope. I wanted to hold onto him all night, but everything changed. I had to change too.

"I want to sleep alone in my bed," I said as I let go of him. He didn't say anything, just leaned his head against my neck and took a deep sniff of me. He was almost naked, on top of me. His hairy large body only a few inches from my pale, petite one. And I knew I was getting aroused. And worst, I knew he'd smell it.

"You're lying," he said simply and just like that pulled the bed covers over both of us. Before I could say another word, he had an arm wrapped around my waist and my back was pressed against his large chest.

"Go to sleep," he whispered in my ear. I probably should have argued, even push him out of the bed. But I had one fucked up day and I just wanted to go to sleep so it would end.