I won't be here forever
Fanfiction #2
Chapter One
IN NO WAY IS THIS STORY MEANT TO OFFEND OR UPSET ANYONE AFFECTED BY THE STORYLINE. BREAST CANCER IS A SERIOUS PROBLEM, AND IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO SUCH SUBJECTS, THEN I ADVISE YOU TO CLICK OUT. THANK YOU. - ABBIE XOX
"You need a tutor, a person to guide you through school -" Ella, Aria Montgomery's mother said, hoping that her daughter would agree. Ella struggled each day with seeing her daughter in constant pain. Aria had been suffering with breast cancer since August 2015, which ended up in the worst way. She had to have both breasts amputated.
Aria's POV
I wanted a tutor. Believe me, I did. But I was so insecure. I had trouble leaving the house some days. Other days, I was overly confident, and would embrace my differences. But most days, I would shut myself out from the world - the only time i left the house being for my doctors appointments.
"Sure, why not?" I ended up saying to my impatient mother. I could see her eyes light up. She took both my hands, looking over at me.
"You have nothing to worry about, baby. Are you sure? I know you are sensitive to new people coming and going," Ella asked, being understandably concerned for her daughter.
I thought about it, intensely. Having a tutor could have its ups and downs. They would help me get good grades, get a degree. I desperately wanted a degree in English. It was my strongest subject - I had always dreamed of becoming a writer, ever since I was a little girl. I hadn't been interested in maths or science or anything to do with digits. It was all too confusing.
"Yes, monday's fine," Mom said, hanging up the phone.
"You got someone already?" I asked, doubtfully.
"I asked him about a week ago. He's been on the line. Is monday okay for you? I can call him back and say n…" I interrupted her.
"Monday's fine, mom,"
Him? He? I should have told my mom i was more comfortable with a woman. It's fine, Aria, I kept telling myself. It's all gonna be okay. Ella disappeared into the kitchen. I checked the time. 9.00pm on the dot - medication time. The medication Dr. Kingston prescribed me wasn't helping - I couldn't say it was making things worse, though. It cleared my migraines, alright, and helped the pain, but after it made me go terribly dizzy.
I plugged in my earphones. They were a vintage pair, ones my father, Byron, once got me for christmas. Before Byron moved out, things were almost perfect - apart from the grisly secret he had been keeping from my mom. He cheated on her. From the days with screaming and fighting from my parents, i wouldn't be surprised if the whole neighbourhood knew. Mom was distraught. I was, too. It was horrible. Dad went to live with the Meredith slut he cheated on mom with, and now it was just me, Mike, and Ella. We played happy families. We all missed dad, even mom, at times.
'Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol' played, and i cussed myself. I had to stop listening to depressing songs. I skipped it. 'Terrible Things by Mayday Parade' - Oh god no, definitely not. Then came 'Girls Just Want To Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper' - better.
My mom came in with a tray, which held a salad and ham sandwich, a strawberry milkshake and two containers of pills.
"Okay, Ar, you know the rules - two each," Ella smiled. I nodded, placing two of each pill in my shaking hands. I downed them, taking colossal sips of my milkshake. I smiled, a milk moustache remaining around my mouth.
I finished the sandwich pretty rapidly, and headed straight upstairs - I was exhausted. This happened regularly. I always felt alone, and I would always watch these cheesy romance films, and I would always try and convince myself that they're all so cringe, when secretly, I wanted a romance just like that. But what was i thinking? Boys only wanted breasts. Big, full ones. I hadn't got any. I wasn't ashamed, It was for my health. I just wish things had turned out different for me.
I wanted to finish school, to stay in there till I graduated. I wanted to be at least present at my graduation. Who knows, i might not even be alive by the time that rolls around. I hoped that wasn't the case.
Some days I wanted to die, if that meant to end the pain. It would kill my mom, though. And Mike. And everyone close to me. I couldn't do that to them. So i fought. Every day.
Tomorrow was Monday. I wished I had a day to do extra research on this unknown tutor. I hadn't even asked my mom what he was like. I guess I was too tired. I was drifting off already.
My hazel eyes fluttered open, to see my brother's face above mine. I smiled. He smiled back.
"Mom wants you - she said your new tutor would be here soon," he whispered, letting out a chuckle. He leapt from my bed, and handled me another tray, with the same contents as yesterday, but instead of a sandwich, toast.
"I made the toast, so that explains why it's terribly soggy. I was too scared to handle your drugs so I left that bit up to mom," He apologised. I stifled a giggle, and ruffled my hands through his hair playfully. "Thank you, weirdo," I mutter.
His eyes brightened at me thanking him. This was one of the many reasons I couldn't leave. I could never hurt Mike. If I died, he would die too. That would be a thought I couldn't handle.
"I gotta go to school - seeya, Ar," He smiled, coming up to squeeze me in a bear hug. He hurt me, unintentionally. I winced in pain.
"Oh god, i'm so sorry!" He apologized, again. I waved it off, but he wouldn't let it slide. "Is there anything I could get you?" He was so concerned. I shook my head, as I didn't want him to be late for school.
"No, Mike, go to school. I'm okay, I promise. I love you, okay?" I said, clutching my side, as it still burnt with pain. I could tell Mike didn't believe me, but he knew, if he stayed any longer, I would get angry. So he left, taking one last cautious look at me, making sure i was 100%. I wasn't.
I gulped down my pills, taking sips of the strawberry milkshake. Mom said the tutor would arrive at 12:30pm, on the dot. I still didn't know his name, but I couldn't be bothered to ask. Too much effort. I checked my clock - 11:30pm. Shit. Shit, shit. Trust Mom to tell Mike to wake me up late. For gods sakes.
I ripped off my pajama top, immediately regretting it. The scars were too visible for my liking. I had no breasts, and most of the time, I would feel hopelessly insecure. I guess today was one of those days.
I traced my pointer finger along the seemingly never ending scars. They were red, as the operation was recent. A tear escaped my right eye. "Why?" I whispered to myself. I couldn't help but feel I was ugly. Now, no boy would like me. No boobs, no boys. Boys only wanted sex and attractive girls to be in relationships with. Sure, I could give sex, but who would want to have sex with me? I was sick. No boy had touched me intimately. Probably explains why I was still a virgin.
I wanted to wait, for the right person to come along to have my virginity. I want to be in love, I didn't want it to go to some boy I had met in a bar one night, who couldn't keep it in his pants. I didn't want it to go to some fuckboy, or someone who only wanted to fuck me to keep him sane. That was one thing I dreaded. Making a huge mistake.
I want it to go to someone who cared deeply for me - someone who loves me, not just for my vagina, but for me. I doubted that someone would come along, though. As I had said, boys only wanted to be with beautiful and sexy women. I wasn't. I'm going to be a 40 year old virgin. I doubt that, too - like I could live to 40.
I slipped a simple, white floral shirt, making sure it wasn't see through. That was the last thing I wanted, my tutor thinking I was an Alien for not having boobs.
My black skinny jeans went well with the shirt. They hugged my hips perfectly. I placed on the 15 year old necklace my father had given to me when I was one. It was a locket - inside, was a picture of a perfect family. Byron, Ella, and Me. Mike wasn't born at the time, bless. It would have been 100 times better if Mike was included in the image.
"Mom, what's the time?" I managed, waddling down the stairs, clutching the banister tight.
Ella checked her silver, fake Rolex. "12:32, honey - he should be here any second,"
I nodded, taking a seat at the oak table in our kitchen. I placed my head in my hands, feeling a terrible migraine coming on. Not today, I thought. Mom did say, that if i felt tired, we could just send the tutor guy home. This might just be the case.
Knock Knock. Light knocks came from the door.
Mom's attitude brightened, and she ran to the door. I chuckled at mom's sudden outburst. It was like George Clooney was at the door.
"Welcome, welcome!" I heard her cheery voice coming from the patio. I moved around on my seat, trying to catch a glimpse of what he looked like. I could only see curly, brown hair. At least it wasn't crazy and gray. He was young. Thank God.
Mom led him into the house, and I could finally see his appearance.
He was incredibly young, and he had chiseled cheekbones, bone-structure to die for. His lips, pink and thin, his nose slightly spiky, but that made it a tiny bit adorable. His incredibly curly hair was short, and it seemed it had just recently been cut.
His biceps seemed large and muscular, and his hands looked soft yet large. I smiled. He looked nice. And attractive. Very attractive.
I debated whether I had smiled in my mind, or in reality, as my mom nodded, wanting me to offer a smile or a hand to shake. His mouth curled up into a boyish smile. A knee weakening smile. It had just about melted my insides.
I offered him a warm smile, and my hand. He took it, shaking. His hands were incredibly warm. Unlike mine. Mine were always deathly cold. I could tell he felt the coldness, as his eyes darted down to our hands, letting out a breath.
"Ezra Fitz, it's nice to meet you, Miss Montgomery," He breathed. I rolled my eyes at his formal greeting.
"Aria. Please. We're a very informal family," I smiled, and he chuckled back. My eyes scanned the room for my mom, and she was stood on the phone in the lounge.
"So, shall we sit?" I glanced at the table, watching him nod. He seemed nervous. My thoughts were possibly correct. He probably knew I had had both my breasts amputated, and thought 'Jesus, she's an Alien. I need to bolt' - That's what I had assumed everyone thought about me. Worthless and Un-sexy.
"You seem nervous," I brung up in a small whisper. I could witness his delicate lips flourish into a friendly smirk.
"No , not nervous. Definitely not," He smiled. I couldn't help but return with a giggle. "Just taken aback by your hands… they were so… icy. Like you were frozen,"
I nodded, looking down at the table mat. "They've always been ice cold. Ever since…" I choked, unable to finish my sentence. He understood. I could sense it.
"Listen, you don't have to talk about anything you don't want to - I can see you're getting upset. Let's just get into this english work," He declared, my eyes looking up from the table mat. I stifled a smile, and opened the English binder from my old English class at school. It had all my old work in it, ever since ninth grade. I grinned sadly at my squiggly handwriting. 'I Love Noel Kahn' written in the top corner of a worksheet I had done once. How I once was an immature child. Noel Kahn? Really Aria?
I managed to get a small peek at Ezra's eyes. They were an ocean blue. Like a big, icy sea. You could get lost in them. Literally. One small glance and your eyes were locked. You couldn't look away - they were almost possessive. In a beautiful way.
What was I thinking? A gorgeous man like him obviously had a girlfriend. And plus, she was seventeen. He looked, what, 23? 24? She would never know. She desperately wanted to know, but it seemed like an inappropriate question.
"Ooo- Nathaniel Hawthorne. Edgar Allen Poe. Charles Dickens. All these fancy authors," I sarcastically said, faking a shocked look. She was beyond interested. These were all her favourite authors. He chuckled, ruffling a hand through his brown locks. "I'm intrigued,"
"So you should be," He shook his head playfully. She could tell he was being sarcastic, too.
"What're we starting with then, Fitz?"
"Whichever. You choose," He smiled. That god-damned boyish smile. It made her go weak.
"I have a soft spot for Poe,"
He looked happy, relieved even.
"Thank god. I thought you were going to pick out one of those poncy authors, like E.L James,"
She couldn't help but howl with laughter at his comment. She had read one of her books. Only one word could describe it. Cringey.
He looked at her with wonder. When he heard from Ella Montgomery that her daughter needed tutoring because she couldn't go to school, since she was sick, he had imagined a sad girl. Never would he have thought to meet someone with such a seemingly positive outlook on life.
He stared at Aria unintentionally, admiring her facial features as she laughed. Her thick lips had a beautiful and flawless shape, and her eyes were a spectacular hazel colour. He was cut out of his admirable stares, as Ella Montgomery entered the room.
"I'm going shopping for a while, Ar. Ezra is that okay? I'll only be thirty to fourty minutes?" She smiled. He nodded enthusiastically. "Of course, Ella,"
Aria grinned at his immediate nods. For the first time in what seemed forever, she had taken a liking to another person who wasn't family. Ezra seemed sweet. Like he didn't pity her. He probably did, though. Everyone did, even her mother.
Pity was the one thing Aria despised. People pitying her was awful. She hated it. Just the thought of people feeling sorry for her left a bad taste in her mouth. The thought of somebody loving her out of pity upsetted her. She had not even realised she was crying until Ezra cleared his throat. Unfortunately, he noticed it, too.
"Miss Montgomery?" He asked, sounding generally concerned.
She tried to hide the tears with a laugh. Crying made her feel like Ezra was pitying her twice as hard.
"It's nothing - I cry on a regular basis. Don't worry about me. Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality,"
"Quoting Poe," He beamed.
"Yup. Now enough about me and my sad life, more about Poe and his insane one,"
Aria couldn't help but feel warm and fuzzy. Ezra shared the same sensations.
