Lost

Disclaimer; all characters and copyright belong to SM.

A/N-set twelve months after Bella's marriage to Edward in BD.

Chapter One

Bella sat at the breakfast bar and slowly ate her cornflakes. She let a swathe of hair fall forward to shield her face from Edward. He was watching her eat with a half-smile on his face. Bella always felt awkward eating in front of any of the family. They didn't mean to but their intense scrutiny made her uncomfortable. She had finally mentioned it to Edward, and as he always did, he immediately set out to correct anything that made her unhappy. He banished the others from the room whenever Bella was eating, although he remained.

"Are you enjoying that, love?" Edward asked as he reached out to gently loop her hair behind her ear so he could see her face. He loved just watching her. She was so beautiful. He could sit there all day never moving, just studying every minute facial expression. He found anything Bella did absolutely fascinating. It had been a year to the day since they had married and he was more in love with his wife than ever. "I can get you something else if the cereal doesn't satisfy you. Your wish is my command."

"This is fine." Bella replied curtly. She saw Edward's face fall and she sighed softly. She hadn't meant to be short with him. "I'm sorry. I didn't sleep well."

"I know." Edward grazed her cheek with the back of his hand. The fine hairs on her skin prickled at his touch. "You were having another nightmare." His golden brown eyes darkened with sadness. "I am so sorry, my love."

Bella's fingers shook as she dipped her spoon into the bowl. She didn't want to talk about her bad dreams. She was a sleep talker which meant Edward would have been a witness to it as he lay wide awake beside her. "I'm okay." She rushed to reassure him. She hoped to appease him quickly before he fell into his usual melancholic mood. He always blamed himself for her nightmares. "I really am." She said hastily as she noticed his frown deepen.

It was too late. Edward began to withdraw from her. "This is my fault." He lamented. "I had hoped after some time had passed that the bad dreams would fade." His voice was thick with regret. "I did this to you. If not for my reckless actions…." Edward paused, reaching out to take Bella's free hand in his own. He raised it to his lips and pecked the palm of her hand lightly. "I love you so much."

"I know you do." Bella said quietly.

Edward's expression became more sorrowful. "You are too forgiving. I don't deserve your devotion. I really don't." He lowered his eyes to their joined hands. "But I am eternally grateful for it."

He would be a good performer on stage. Bella pushed the traitorous thought from her mind before it could take root. She was just tired and feeling a little aggravated. She gently slipped her fingers out of his cold grasp and slipped off the stool. "I am going to take a shower."

"You haven't finished your breakfast." Edward lamented. "You need to eat."

"I'm full. I promise." Bella smiled at him weakly before she hastily left the spacious kitchen. The shower was the only place she could guarantee some privacy. It wasn't like Edward would allow his eyes to settle on her naked body anyway. There was a time and place as he was fond of saying. Bella emitted another sigh as she began to walk up the spiral staircase to their room.


"What do you want, Bella?" Rosalie questioned irritably as she pushed herself out from under the car. She had a smudge of oil smearing one cheek, but other than that the cool blonde radiated perfection.

Bella always found it fascinating that out of all the hobbies that Rosalie could indulge in, she chose to work on their expensive car collection. Bella had seen her pull apart an engine and put it back together within minutes. She was very skilled and self-taught just like….Bella didn't allow herself to finish that thought.

"I was wondering if you need any help."

"No." Rosalie said sharply. "Why don't you go and find Alice? I'm sure she's got something more interesting to keep you occupied."

"I'm not bored." Bella lied.

Rosalie smirked as she flicked her blonde hair to one side. She wasn't fooled. "Of course you are. You are one of us now….well kind of." She drawled. Her golden brown eyes roamed Bella's face and body. "Apart from the beating heart that is."

Bella felt her heart flutter in her chest as soon as Rosalie mentioned it. She rubbed her fingers over it absently.

"This is what life as a Cullen is like, sweetheart." Rosalie continued with a sardonic smile. "Ninety nine percent utter boredom. You should be happy that at least you can escape the tedium by taking a nap." She slid back under the car effectively ending the conversation.


It was lunchtime. Edward was watching her again. Bella chewed her sandwich slowly. The bread felt like ashes in her mouth. She wished Edward would stop staring at her like that. In the past he used to pretend to blink and breathe, but lately he had given up that pretence. He was like a statue of Adonis sitting opposite her.

"Don't you need to hunt?" Bella asked hopefully.

"Not if it means wasting one second away from you." Edward replied with an endearing smile. He rested his chin on top of his hands as he leaned forward on the table. He sighed contentedly as he watched her eat. "Are you enjoying that?"

I would enjoy it much more if you would let me eat in peace, Bella said in her head. Immediately she felt ashamed of herself. What was wrong with her today? Edward loved her. He simply didn't understand the concept of boundaries. He never had. A year ago she found his need to be in her orbit constantly, appealing. But now she was a year older, not so much.

"I was thinking of going to see dad." Bella said suddenly. She had broached this subject before, but Edward always shut it down, finding any excuse to put her off. But lately she had been thinking about her father a lot. She missed Charlie…and others.

Edward's smile slid off his face. His expression became inscrutable. "Maybe in the fall." He murmured.

"Why wait until the fall?" Bella pressed. Now she has started on the subject she wouldn't be swayed. "Isn't summer the best time to go?"

"Are you unhappy, my love?" Edward completely changed the subject. His eyes became bleak.

"I miss Charlie, Edward." Bella confessed. "Talking to him on the phone every three months isn't enough anymore. I want to see him. He has been begging me to pay a visit for months now."

Edward's sadness permeated the room. "If everything had gone according to plan then you wouldn't have been able to see Charlie at all." He looked up at her from under lowered lashes. "We are overdue on trying again."

The blood drained from Bella's face. The sandwich caught in her throat and she coughed. Edward panicked and immediately ran to her side and rubbed her lower back. Silently he passed her a glass of water. Bella drank it greedily, relieved when the cool liquid soothed her burning throat.

"Are you okay now, love?" Edward's eyes roamed her flushed face anxiously. It was little incidents like this that reminded him how fragile his wife was. "Carlisle is working on an antidote. He is sure he is near a breakthrough."

Bella pushed her plate away and stood up. "I need to visit the bathroom."

"I'll come with you."

"No, Edward…please." Bella held out her hands to ward him off. She tried to ignore the hurt on his face as she turned her back on him and walked away.


Rosalie didn't bother to knock she just walked straight in. She found Bella lying curled up on the ridiculously ornate four poster bed that Edward had purchased for their honeymoon night. Bella looked the picture of misery, but she tried to hide it as she raised herself up on one arm and greeted Rosalie. "Edward isn't here."

"I know that." Rosalie said testily as she edged further into the room. Her gaze travelled around the old fashioned décor and the ostentatious furniture. Edward always surrounded himself with pieces of his youth. It was like going back in time. "I saw him leave."

"Oh." Bella watched the blonde vampire warily. Rosalie never sought her company before. It was usually the other way around. Edward and Alice's company could be suffocating and Bella often used Rosalie as an escape.

Rosalie gave Bella a derogatory glance before she flung something on the bed. "I thought you might like this."

"You bought me a present." Bella said in wonder as she picked up the sleek black box.

"Hardly." Rosalie flipped her hair again irritably. "It's one of my old cell phones. I thought you could use it." Her eyes flicked to Bella's briefly. "You know to ring your dad or whatever. Edward won't know."

Bella held the box in her hands. Her eyes welled with tears. She was upset but she couldn't explain why. "Thank you." She whispered, but Rosalie was already gone.


The phone rang and rang but there was no answer. It clicked over to her father's answer machine. Normally Bella wouldn't leave a message but hearing her dad's voice at the end of the line, even if it was only a recorded version, made her speak.

"Hey, dad it's Bella. I'm sorry I haven't been in touch…." She inhaled sharply as she tried to keep her emotions in check. She didn't want to arouse Charlie's suspicions by sounding upset. She tried to inject a sense of cheeriness in her tone. "Yes…um…I've…I mean we've been busy. How are you? I hope your good…and everyone else too. I just called to say I miss you and…and I promise I'll call again soon. Love you."

Bella ended the call. She felt more miserable than ever. She curled up on the bed again and hugged the phone to her chest. She was homesick. She couldn't deny it anymore. She wanted to see her family, to spend some quality time with them. That wasn't such a big thing was it? That's what normal people did. But then her situation was far from normal. Bella felt her eyelids drooping as tiredness set in. She was always tired lately. Before she dropped off she had the foresight to hide Rosalie's cell in the back pocket of her jeans just in case Edward came back from hunting while she slept and discovered it.


"How are you feeling?" Carlisle asked solicitously.

Bella opened her eyes groggily and peered around the room blearily. She was in Carlisle's study. She was sitting in a leather backed chair with wooden arms. How did she get here? She felt cold fingers skim along her cheekbone followed by an anguished sigh. Bella turned her head to find Edward kneeling next to the chair, his handsome face full of woe.

"What happened?"

"I came back to find you unconscious on our bed." Edward ghosted his fingers across her face again. "I should never have left you."

"I don't understand." Bella tried to get her frazzled brain to work. All she had done was take a nap. She looked toward Carlisle for help. It was only then that she noticed the IV attached to her left arm. Only this drip didn't contain fluids it was filled with venom, Edward's venom. Bella panicked. She tried to rip it out of her arm but Carlisle placed his hand over hers to prevent it. "Take it out." She begged. "Take it out."

"Bella, please." Edward begged as he drew her attention back to him. "Carlisle found the antidote. Just relax my love. This will cure everything."

"NO…NO…NO…." Bella screamed hysterically.


Bella awoke violently. Her body was caked in sweat. She shuddered as the remnants of her nightmare still taunted her. She felt a cold hand touch her face and she nearly screamed again before she realised it was Edward. He had been lying next to her, reading. He abandoned the book as he strove to comfort her, but Bella scooted away from him.

"Love, what's wrong?" Edward didn't hide his hurt. He looked at her with a pained expression. "You are still haunted by it, aren't you?"

"I…I need to go to the bathroom." Bella stuttered. She rose up onto shaking legs. Edward immediately went to follow her to offer his assistance. "I want to go alone." She snapped at him. She watched as he recoiled away from her but she wouldn't allow herself to feel guilty this time. She went into the en-suite and locked the door. Not that it would provide much of a barrier against a vampire.

Still haunted by her nightmare Bella pulled the cord and the bathroom was flooded with light. She hurried over to the sink and turned on the tap. As the cold water gushed out she splashed it on her face. She didn't feel much better but it helped. Bella breathed deeply trying to contain her hysteria and bottle it up like always. But for some reason this time it was difficult.

"It was just a bad dream." She kept telling herself. "It's just a dream."

Bella then made the mistake of looking at her reflection in the mirror. A ghostly visage stared back at her. Her skin was paler than normal, almost translucent. Her brown eyes were wide, haunted. Dark circles smudged the delicate skin underneath. She looked awful. She was dying by inches and she only had herself to blame. Bella turned away and put her head in her hands and let out a choked sob.

"Bella." It was Edward. He had easily unpicked the lock. He reached out for his wife and put his arms around her.

Bella rested against his cold, hard body unable to hide her unhappiness. "I'm sorry, Edward." She whispered disconsolately. "I am so sorry."

"Don't apologise my love." Edward stroked her silky hair even as he inhaled her sweet fragrance. Her scent was like a drug to him. He squeezed her gently in his embrace. "I understand. I do. Carlisle will fix this. I am certain of it. He's close to a cure. Then we can be together just like we dreamed with no barriers between us." He kissed the top of her head softly.

Bella shivered in his arms. A thousand butterflies took flight in her stomach. It wasn't desire she felt, it was nerves. His cold lips pressed harder into her hair before he pulled away slightly and placed them on the shell of her ear before skimming his mouth along her neck to the sensitive skin of her throat. Bella inhaled sharply as he placed a chaste kiss there. He drew back, smiling. His golden eyes were alight with suppressed passion as his fingers began to unbutton Bella's shirt.

"I can't. Not tonight." Bella grabbed her shirt before it fell open. Edward's expression had frozen. The light in his eyes died and he stepped away from her. "I'm sorry." She mumbled.

"Don't apologise." Edward said stiffly. He took her hand and kissed the back of it. "You should rest some more. You look tired. I wasn't thinking."

Bella didn't respond. She allowed him to guide her back to the bed and tuck her in like she was a child. He crawled onto the bed beside her and held her in his arms. Bella closed her eyes and pretended to sleep as she trembled in his embrace.


Another day dawned. Bella was at the breakfast bar eating some toast. Edward sat beside her, watching. She tried to concentrate on her chewing but found that the toast stuck in her throat. She tried not to choke.

"I need to take a shower."

"You haven't finished your toast." Edward said regretfully. "You need to eat, love. You are getting so thin."

"I'm not hungry." Bella mumbled. She hastily backed away from him as she headed for the bathroom to hide.


She spent the day in Alice's company, doing her best to hide her boredom as Alice dressed her like a mannequin. A huge delivery of designer clothes had arrived that morning and Alice wanted Bella to try them all on. The little psychic chattered amiably as she talked Bella through the latest designs and how much each had cost. The hours passed excruciatingly slowly as Alice tutted at how badly some of the outfits hung on Bella's tiny frame. She used pins to adjust the clothes, citing that she would need to alter them so Bella could wear them for the next party she was going to throw. The Denali's were due a visit and Alice planned on organising a big bash to celebrate. Bella was thankful when Jasper arrived to claim his mate. She rushed off to her room, tearing off the hated clothes as soon as the door was shut.


Dinner was spent with Edward watching her every move. He was worried about her. Bella knew that. But it was tiring keeping up the pretence that she was fine. Every time she raised food to her mouth he was there, scrutinising. Bella was sure he was counting every mouthful and bet he was reporting it all back to Carlisle. It was getting tiresome. She ached for some time alone just to breathe.

"I thought I would play your lullaby for you." Edward suggested with a smile when dinner was finally over. "Would you like that?"

He was trying so hard. He really was. Bella wished she had the energy to accommodate him but she felt so damn weary. "Maybe tomorrow, Edward. I have a headache."

Edward was crestfallen. He immediately placed the back of his hand on Bella's forehead. "I can get Carlisle to administer something." He offered.

"No, I might just sleep it off." Bella slid off the stool. "Alone." She said succinctly when Edward made a move to follow her. She smiled weakly to soften her rebuttal. "Why don't you take the time to play some of your music? I'll see you later." She didn't wait for his response before she hurried toward the stairs.


Bella shut the door behind her and leaned against it. She closed her eyes and just breathed, enjoying the moment of peace. She opened them again when she heard the strains of Edward's piano as he began to play. She sighed in blessed relief. He could get completely immersed in the music which was a boon to her as it gave her precious time to herself. She was glad he had taken her up on her suggestion. Bella headed to the four poster bed and perched on the edge as she simultaneously pulled out Rosalie's cell from the pocket of her jeans.

The phone rang and rang. Bella chewed her bottom lip as she waited apprehensively for Charlie to answer. She knew any minute now it would click into his answer machine. She almost gave up again but to her surprise the call was picked up.

"Chief Swan." Charlie answered wearily.

"Dad." Bella whispered.

"Bells…." There was no mistaking the surprised joy in his tone. "I was hoping you would ring back. You didn't leave a number for me to call you back."

"I'm sorry."

"I am so glad you called, kiddo." Charlie continued. "It's been too long."

"I know. I'm sorry." Bella apologised. A lone tear began to fall down her cheek. It was so good to hear his voice. It brought back memories of home. Forks was her home. Not this place. "I've missed you."

"Ditto, Bells." Charlie sounded very emotional which was unusual for him. "How are you?"

"I don't know." Bella's mouth wobbled as the surprising confession left her mouth. She sniffed back her tears.

"What's wrong?" Charlie questioned. "Talk to me, Bells. Has that boy done something?"

Charlie had never been able to say Edward's name. Bella berated herself for revealing that she was down. But just hearing Charlie's voice had sent a shockwave of homesickness through her heart. She wanted to go home. She wanted her dad. She could still hear the strains of Edward's concerto as he continued to play. Bella lowered her voice. "I miss you dad and I want to come home."

"I miss you too, kiddo." Charlie said immediately. His voice became serious. "I can fly up to meet you. Just give me the address of the house in Hampshire and I'll come and get you."

Tears rolled down Bella's cheeks. Charlie still believed the lie that she was in Hampshire attending college with Edward. When in reality they hadn't stepped foot in the place after everything had gone wrong. "I'm not in Hampshire. I'm in Alaska."

"Alaska." Charlie was stunned. "Why the hell are you in Alaska?"

"It's complicated." Bella sniffed again as she wiped away the tears from her eyes.

"Right, okay. Look your old man will sort it out. Just give me the address. I'll get there. Give me your number too." Charlie replied urgently.

The call was cut off abruptly. Bella bit her lip in agony as she raised her eyes to find Edward standing in front of her. His face was a picture of sorrow. "Why did you do that, love?" He chided her gently as he prised the phone out of her hand. "I know that you miss him but it's too dangerous for you to be around him right now."

"I'm fine." Bella insisted as fresh tears welled in her eyes. "I am absolutely one hundred percent in control of myself."

"Don't fool yourself, Bella." Edward was getting impatient now. "What if you go back there and the wolf pack came across you? You know the first person that Charlie will tell is the Black's. He won't be able to keep your visit to himself. Then we'll have Jacob Black to deal with. How do you think he will react when he sees you?" He pointed out.

"Jake is my friend." Bella declared stoutly. She could hear Jacob's words echoing in her head…maybe even then.

"He ceased being your friend the day you married me." Edward retorted bitterly. He hated discussing his loathed rival. His patience was wearing thin. "You are not who you once were, Bella."

"I am me. My heart still beats. I have blood running through my veins. I have a soul." Bella knew it was a wicked thing to end with when she saw Edward flinch but she couldn't help herself. Her anger was building up in her chest. She scowled at Edward.

"You see you are losing control." Edward warned her. "You need to rest, love." His cold fingers encircled her waist as he steered her back to the bed. "Now close your eyes and sleep. Carlisle is close to a cure. I know it."

Those were the last words Bella heard before she went under.

A/N-thanks for reading!