Uncertainty
I am tossed about.
Knocked over by each wave,
And choking on the bitter ocean fog.
Each night I am hit more and more,
But the daytime brings the true anguish,
To surface right in front of me.
That's when I moan . . .
That's how I sank down into that darkness,
That liquid darkness . . .
The rain comes as my tears begin to form.
The droplets soak into my wooden frame,
Making me more vulnerable.
I can't take the blows much longer.
The winds whisper to me their secrets,
Trying to call me back to what I loved.
But I no longer love it,
And I wish the winds would go away.
I don't want to hear them laugh and cry as they tell their tales.
I don't want to be expected to do the same.
My trust has vanished.
Disintegrated.
Been swept away with the ocean's current,
Along with my innocence.
The bliss I now seek is gone.
But what do I do but sink further and further?
If I never resurface . . . I'll lose more than ever.
But the water still crashes upon me,
And the sea of blood still taunts me.
I am too weak.
I cannot go on,
But I can disappear.
I don't see what difference it would make now.
Not being loved . . .
Not being wanted.
And as I let myself down,
Let myself slip under that darkness,
I hear them calling.
They will not find a sunken boat.
Just the illusion of happiness and joy I was before . . .
Before that terrible storm.
For how can I go on when I am still being tormented?
Do I ignore it?
Hate it?
. . . Love it?
Maybe it is better this way than any other.
A fake relationship is better than blank stares,
Right?
I don't deserve him . . .
He doesn't think I am a sinking ship.
He doesn't know,
And yet he still comes to look out on my deck,
At the sunset on the purple sky . . .
I will never tell him.
I cannot; will not.
I love him too much.
Do I not love them too?
But I have to love them.
Revelation is only a myth . . .
But they still pull me onward through the chilling rain.
I do love them.
The next storm approaches,
And already I am too caught up in what remains of the last blanket of sorrow.
Will I be ready?
Ashleigh Elizabeth
