100 Things I Am Not Allowed to Do At Hogwarts
Author's note. Okay, so Potterheads everywhere have probably heard these, seen these, wanted to get in touch with the creators of these. I've been researching them for days and have come up with only one viable solution: I am going to write a drabble fanfic based on them. Yes, here's what would happen to our dear friends Harry, Hermione, Ron, Luna, Neville, Ginny, Fred, and George had they gotten their hands on this list and decided to go out with a bang. Read and review, if you please.
King's Cross
Harry: -holding a piece of paper- Oi…Ron! What do you think this is?
Ron: -looks at the paper- Looks like a whole lot of words to me.
Hermione: -appears at their shoulders, quickly scanning the page- Oh wow. It looks like a list of rules! –eyes light up-
Harry & Ron: -rolls eyes at each other-
Ginny: Hey, what are you lot up to now?
Hermione: -brandishes the paper at her- Doesn't this look interesting? I've never seen these rules in Hogwarts, A History, or any…where…else…BUBBLES!?!?! –turns scarlet-
Ginny: -blinks- What? Let me see! –grabs the paper and scans it- Oh…oh wow…-bursts into laughter- WE SHOULD SO BREAK THESE!
Hermione: -looks at her as though she's committed a great evil-
George: And what's this? –grabs the paper-
Ginny: Harry had it. It's a list of rules.
Fred: -scoffs- Rules? For what? –reads it-
George & Fred: -glance at each other- Excellent!
Harry: -blinks- So are we going to break these…?
Hermione: -frets- They can't possibly be real rules…
Ron: -shrugs- Get off it, Hermione. Might as well have a bit of fun.
Hermione: Oh…I don't know…
Ginny: It'll be fun, Hermione. Be spontaneous. We'll even ask Luna and Neville to help us. Between the eight of us we'll have a right good laugh.
Harry: -grins- So we'll start right away.
Rule number one: No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.
"Oi! 'Ello Harry. Good summer, I hope?" Hagrid beamed as his class tramped their way down from the castle.
Harry smiled back. "Yeah. Yours too?" Hagrid grinned.
"You be'! I've got a grea' selection fo' this year, wait 'till you see 'em, you're gonna love 'em."
Harry looked at Hermione and Ron. Ron nodded gleefully, and Hermione looked slightly mortified. Harry smiled and muttered under his breath, "CRIKEY! I have no fear of losing my life - if I have to see a giant or a thestral or a hippogriff or a snake, mate, I will see it."
The class stared.
"Because when snakes strike it can be that quick that if they're within range, you're dead, you're dead in your tracks. And his head weighs more than my body so it's WHACK!"
Rule number two: Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology.
"Come on, Neville…it'll be an excellent extra credit project!" Fred beamed at the portly boy.
"Yes, and we would pay for the best of what you grow," George added.
Neville looked dubious. "But…er…I don't know what mary wanna is…"
Fred and George looked at each other. "We don't either, mate, but Harry told us that it gives you a right trip in the head."
Rule number three: I am not allowed to attempt to breed a liger.
"Hagrid," Ginny said breathlessly as she stopped near his pumpkin patch. The gamekeeper looked at her with a smile. "We need you to get these animals, Hagrid, they're extremely important to an extra-credit project Luna and I are planning on doing for your class!" She handed him two pictures, one of a lion and one of a tiger.
Hagrid blinked, then beamed. "I'm gla' yer lovin' the class, Ginny, makes me right proud, it does. I'll get right on this…they look so fluffy."
Rule number four: I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore."
"You got it?"
"It's right here." Fred unveiled the sinister-looking quill from his cloak, smirking as he did so.
"I am proud to call you my twin," George said reverently. "Now…for the unsuspecting victim…Ah! Smith! Do come here a moment?"
Zacharias Smith looked up from where he had been about to join his house table to eat lunch.
"A galleon," Fred told him, "if you'll use this in Trelawney's class." Fred handed him the quill.
Smith looked at it for a moment. "What's it supposed to do?" he asked suspiciously.
"Reveal to you the teacher's mind," George lied easily. "All you have to do to initiate it is write, 'I told you I was hardcore.' Otherwise it's just a simple quill."
Rule number five: I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful."
"Potter!" Professor Snape snarled as Harry hurried into the classroom. "Fifteen points for being late. Nothing is more important than being on time for my class."
Refraining from snarling right back, Harry said quite calmly, "Sorry, Professor, I was giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful after Quidditch."
Rule number six: Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.
Professor Flitwick was left wondering why his students were incessantly repeating the phrase "polishing my wand" during his class, though he was very proud of their care and attention to said wands, and awarded each of them points for good wand sanitation.
Rule number seven: I am not allowed to cackle whenever practicing magic. Real wizards don't get it.
Harry hated this rule the moment he was forced into it, as the moment he began cackling loudly and very evilly over his cauldron, every student in the room gave a start, and Professor Snape awarded him with a week's worth of detention writing lines: "I will not cackle over my Potions cauldron, as it is distracting and senselessly stupid."
Rule number eight: Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.
Professor Morganne stared at her strangest student, Luna Lovegood, after having forced the girl to put out her pockets after she was spotted smuggling something into them. A large amount of galleons and a crumpled piece of paper were what she found.
Professor Morganne's Fate
Trampled by Centaurs – S.F. H.P. G.W.
Crushed by Grawp – H.G. R.W. F.W.
Suffers insanely from WWW – G.W. A.J. C.C.
Eaten by a Crumple-horned Snorkack – L.L.
Morganne paled.
Real number nine: I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.
As per usual, when Snape had given his instructions, Hermione Granger's hand shot into the air.
"Professor—Professor, please, it's important!"
Snape's right eye twitched very slightly. "Granger, if it is another inane question…particularly of the likes you have been asking me for the past week…I would prefer if I did not have to spend every Saturday in detention with you until the end of the school year."
"But, professor, it's a perfectly valid question!"
"What is it?"
"Will this project be suitable for use as a sexual lubricant?"
It amazed Snape that he could truthfully answer yes.
Rule number ten: Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms."
"Hearts, stars, and horseshoes!" Ginny sang.
"Clovers and blue moons!" The Weasley twins chorused.
"Pots of gold and rainbows!" Harry chimed in.
"…And me red balloons," Seamus muttered quietly.
Ron gaped at Seamus. "HE'S AFTER ME LUCKY CHARMS!"
Author's Note. Well, what did you think? Not bad for a first try, maybe? Flames welcome, but only in the form of constructive criticism.
