I don't understand.
Why would someone so happy and kind become so agonizingly miserable because of someone so disgusting and despicable? What was it that made him protect that disgusting person? What did that disgusting person do to make him attack Matsumoto?
I don't understand.
Because I restrict myself to.
Kira Izuru was Momo's close friend. I have spoken to him once. The first time I met him he was kind and he spoke to me as if I were a grown man, which was something that happened rarely at that time. In the course of that conversation, he opened up in a way you shouldn't to a stranger, even a child. He explained to me the reason he so badly wished to be a shinigami. I have now admitted to myself that during that twenty-three minutes, I developed what Matsumoto may call a "little-boy-crush" Pathetic I know. But that Kira Izuru had so much hope in every word. I decided to reveal my true self and show those shinigami who was the child.
Things changed after I became a shinigami, but not Izuru. As I said, I only spoke to him once, and decided to keep it that way, seeing his hope be sustained was good enough. If I had seen Kira, I had a good day.
But then that un-describably sick bastard ruined everything. He ruined Izuru's hope. He slaughtered any chance of me ever having a good day ever again.
You can't imagine how much it hurt to see Kira barely on the line of existence. He was no longer himself.
He was more the human form of his Zanpactao.
He was Wabisuke.
He was the Miserable Man.
I have spoken to that person once, and never wish to ever again. I have discovered that his sadness radiates even more then his hope. I have never wished to kill myself but that moment.
"We're getting a new captain?"
I froze and turned to look at bulletins and notices that took months to make but no one really gave a shit about. I was about twenty feet away from Kira and a messenger. A new captain huh?
"Yeah notify your team will ya?"
Well that was blunt… Asshole.
"Our team is completely falling apart though…
The sadness in his voice speared me again. I hadn't felt so terrible since I drew my sword against his.
"So I hope our new captain's a nice guy."
I couldn't help but to turn and look. To my great surprise, and even greater pleasure- he was…. Smiling… Although I was then happy, I was also wincing from my heart banging against my chest so hard. In my silly, slightly health-threatening daze, I was stupid enough to fuckin' SAY something! My stupid, shitty, mother-fucking, bitchy, asshole of a brain made the words come one in a ridiculous squeaky voice, "I'm positive he will be. Don't worry about it.
DAAAAAAMMMMMMNNNNNN YOUUUUUU TOSHIROOOOOOO!!!!
Oh great, he was looking at me now. I could feel my heart slowing and slowing until it probably shriveled up into my back.
"…"
Oh God…
"Thankyou, Captain Hitsuyaga," he smiled.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! KABLAM!
I'm also pretty sure that everything in my chest exploded after that. That was the most incredible, excruciating pain I have ever experience.
What the heck was I supposed to do?!
I wanted to do so many things!
I wanted to tell him never to call me "captain" ever again.
I wanted to punch him for obsessing over Bitch Ichimaru.
But the thing I wanted the most was to scream that this was unfair. That I would take care of him, die to protect him. I would make him happy and he would never be Wabisuke again. That I would eat with him, share with him, and spend my whole life with him. Because I would love him.
But I restricted myself to.
I raised my hand and walked away from him. It was what he would see as a kind goodbye. I saw it as unforgivable. I left him there, still completely in love with Bitch Ichimaru… I could have changed that. But I didn't. Because I'm a captain. Because I need to keep my reputation. Because I'm Scared of his response.
I don't understand.
Because I'm a bastard.
A sick, cowardly bastard.
