Important things summary section doesn't allow for:

Characters: Sam Carter, Jack O'Neill, Teal'c, Daniel Jackson. Mentions of others.
Pairings: Mentions of Sha're/Daniel, Jack/Sarah, Jack/Sam and Teal'c/Drey'auc

Summary: Sometimes you just need to disappear from the world for a while. At various times in their lives, the members of SG1 escaped both into and out of themselves as a way of dealing with the pain and joy that life brings. The death of a mother, the birth of a child, discovering the wonder that is books and earning the freedom of yourself and others are just some of the events that cause the members of SG1 to look inside themselves for the answers. Those answers, however, are not always found within. Sometimes all you need are friends.


Sam

Her Mother


"Sam?"

"In here," she called out cheerfully if not a bit absentminded while slowly moving the cookies from the hot baking sheet to a cooling rack. "Why are you crying?" she asked as soon as she saw her father with tears in the corner of his eyes.

He sighed and dropped his gaze as he tried to find the words.

"Where's mom?" she asked slowly, lowering the spatula a bit as she felt her own eyes start to tear up.

"There was an accident," he finally said, stepping slightly closer to her. "Your mom. . . they tried. . . She …" he trailed off when he felt the tears welling up again.

Sam didn't let him finish as she figured out where this was leading. The spatula slipped from her fingers and fell onto the baking tray, sending it and the cookies crashing to the floor. She ignored the noise as she quickly pushed past her father and headed toward the front door, ignoring him calling her name.

She slammed her hands into the door, trying to push it open before remembering that she had to turn the knob.

A frustrated sob escaped her as she finally got the door open. She burst into the yard, leaping down the front stairs and stumbling for a moment before she caught her balance and took off toward the wooded area next to their house.

Her father quickly followed her out the door, but she didn't stop as he continued to call for her to come back as he stood on the front porch.

Sam was headed toward her safe haven that sat at the end of their street. She intended to disappear into the woods as quickly as possible.

She raced across the pavement and jumped the large ditch with far less grace than she usually displayed, falling to her knees on the other side. She felt the damp from the earth sink into the knees of her jeans before she picked herself up and kept going.

When the scrubby bushes and saplings started to turn into real bushes and towering trees she paused for a moment, looking around wildly as she tried to figure out where she was and where she was going.

She swiped at her eyes, angry that they were daring to shed tears while she was trying to see. After a quick minute, Sam knew where her destination was and took off yet again.

They had been living in this house for the last five years, a Carter family record. In that time, she and her older brother Mark had managed to explore the woods she was currently running through. There was a tree a few miles in; a beautiful tree that just screamed to be climbed. She and Mark had done just that, and in fact that was how she broke her arm for the first time.

Branches and leaves scratched her face and sides where her shirt rode up, but she didn't notice. She swiped at her eyes again to keep them clear as she raced toward her goal. Her chest was heaving by the time she reached the tree and she felt a little dizzy, but she didn't care.

She dragged the old oil barrel they used as a first step back over to the base of the tree and quickly climbed up onto it without taking the time to make sure it was stable.

With a quick jump, she grasped the lowest branch and started to pull herself up. A few moments later she was settling herself into the crook of branches that had always been hers. Mark's crook sat empty, a few branches over.

She sat back against the trunk of the tree, hugging her knees to her chest and finally let herself fall apart. Great heaving sobs shook her while tears mingled freely with the sweat on her face. She cried for herself and her mother and out of pure rage at her father's selfishness until she thought she'd throw up from the exertion of it all.

Eventually, she had no more tears to cry, only great shuddering breaths as she tried to calm down. She wasn't surprised that no one had come looking for her while she'd been gone. Mark had taken off to spend the day with his friends and her father wouldn't know how to find her even if she'd left him instructions.

She shivered a little as the sun began to dip below the horizon. It had been midday when she'd first come out here. She cast an eye over the reds, oranges and yellows that were now coloring the sky but found she took no pleasure in them and doubted that she ever would again.

Sam didn't bother moving from her tree, though. She stayed put, wedged into her little crook, watching as the fiery colors faded to more soothing blues, purples and pinks as twilight finally emerged. When the first stars began to appear, she unfolded herself and slowly made her way out of the tree.

Exhaustion hit her as she walked back through the woods; the anger and adrenaline that had fueled her run over the miles long gone. She moved sluggishly through the woods, pushing branches away from her face and uttering a sharp gasp every now and then as her long hair caught on an unseen branch or twig. Eventually she gathered her hair in her hands and shoved it down the back of her shirt to keep it out of the way as she continued back toward home.

She paused at the end of the block when she saw Mark's car in the driveway. He was four years older than she and had spent all of last summer working to buy that rusted-out shit box that she was sure he loved more than she.

As she got closer to the house, she could hear yelling. It didn't take her long to realize that it was Mark and Jacob making all the noise. This wasn't all that uncommon at her house these days. Jacob wanted Mark to join the Air Force, and Mark wanted nothing to do with that life.

Sam glanced around her as she walked, looking for nosy neighbors. She couldn't help but sigh when she saw a few. They offered her sympathetic looks, but she couldn't decide if they were for the yelling or because they already knew that Evelyn Carter was dead. Sam trudged slowly up the front stairs and her hand hovered above the doorknob as she listened to the yelling inside.

"You selfish bastard!" Mark yelled. "How can you stand there and tell me this was all an accident?"

"And I suppose you can predict the future now?" Jacob fired back.

"She was waiting for you! If you weren't so wrapped up in whatever shit it was you were doing she wouldn't have had to call that cab!"

"What I do for the Air Force isn't shit," she heard. "What I do puts food on your table, clothes on your back and gives you the rights and freedoms you love so much!"

A momentary stalemate seemed to fall over the pair. Sam assumed they were thinking what to argue about next since they hadn't ended with the traditional "Fuck you!" and "Get the hell out of my house and don't come back until you're ready to show some respect!"

"Where's Sam?" Mark finally asked. "Where's your other kid?" A long silence fell again, which didn't surprise her at all..

"She's taking some time," Jacob eventually answered.

"Since when? About six this evening?" he asked. "It's 10 o'clock now, Dad. Where the hell is my kid sister?"

Sam took a deep breath and opened the door as the volume level escalated yet again. Both men stopped and turned to look at her. Sam had never felt smaller than she did at that moment.

"I'm going to bed," she muttered as she closed the door and slipped off her shoes, darting up the stairs to her room and then the shower before either of them could question her.

The shower didn't quite drown out the sound of more yelling, or the sound of a door slamming as someone, probably Mark, stormed out of the house.

Sam allowed her head to fall forward and rest against the cold tiles; the water still pounding her hair flat against her back. She listened to the stairs creek and the sound of her parents' door opening and shutting.

Her father's room, she quickly corrected herself. Her father's room because her mother was dead because he was too self-important to pull himself away from yet another pointless meeting.

She thumped her fist against the tile wall a few times, trying to hold back the tears but eventually gave up. Sam turned slightly and let herself slide down the shower wall, pulling her knees to her chest as the tears fell once again.


Jolinar


"Everything looks good," Janet said softly, carefully flashing her pen light into Sam's eyes one last time before checking the EEG results. "I also don't think we need these anymore," she added, carefully peeling the electrodes off of Sam's forehead.

Frasier couldn't help but frown when Sam gave no reaction at all, not even when some of her hair got caught in the adhesive.

"I guess I'll just let you get some rest then. Don't hesitate to call if you need anything, OK?" She waited a moment before quietly slipping from the room.

As soon as Janet left her, Sam rolled over and pulled one of her pillows to her chest. She curled up around it and simply held on, not knowing what else to do with herself.

Her eyes fixed on the wall across from her without really seeing anything. She pulled into herself, trying to distance herself from the world while her mind sorted through everything that had happened to her in the last 48 hours.

She had been taken as a host and lived to tell about it.

Part of her believed Jolinar that the Tok'ra were different from the Goa'uld. But only part. She still couldn't believe her 100 percent. She had been tucked away in her own brain the whole time, watching herself as she trapped a terrified Cassie behind the couch and threatened her with death if she said anything. Watching as she pulled the pin on a grenade and demanded the gate be opened, listening as she begged Colonel O'Neill to believe she was telling the truth.

She hated herself for what she had done, even though she hadn't really done any of it.

Her thoughts flew back to Cassie and she curled around her pillow even tighter.

She loved that little girl like her own and had promised to keep her safe. But instead she had cornered her behind a couch, grabbed her by the arms and forced her to look her in the eye while she demanded information the girl couldn't possibly know before threatening to shoot her without mercy.

She'd left Cassie cowering and crying behind that couch before stalking out of the office and closing the door behind her. She had composed herself in the hallway and then walked away like nothing was wrong.

Sam was torn from her thoughts a few moments later when Teal'c came in and sat by her bed. He was speaking in low, soothing tones but she didn't hear what he was saying. She was lost in her own little world, trying to make sense of her new experiences and the memories that Jolinar seemed to have left, or was leaving, in her head. Flashes of deserts and blond hair and blue eyes she didn't recognize were mixed with images of her childhood home and the smell of fresh-baked cookies. There were worlds she didn't recognize, populated by people she knew and others she felt like she should know but didn't.

Teal'c's brow furrowed as he cast a critical eye over Carter.

Her back was to him and she was curled around a pillow. He sat for a few more moments before leaving. Sam breathed a bit of a sigh once he left and lost track of time once again until O'Neill came in.

Again, she ignored him as he rambled away about everything and nothing. She even ignored him when he ordered her to turn and look at him. She felt herself twitch slightly at the order, but there was a disconnect between her sense of duty and her sense of self-preservation. She stayed where she was. She really wanted to tell him to shove off and not come back, but she couldn't find the strength to do it. He left soon afterward and she was glad.

Apparently it was Daniel's turn at some point, and judging by the smell he'd braved a florist for her. He did nothing more than drop the flowers off as far as she could tell before he too disappeared and left her in silence.

She focused inward again, not able to focus on anything but what was going on in her own mind.

Her thoughts finally drifted away from what Jolinar had done, or made her do and had moved on to thinking about what Jolinar had done for her.

The symbiote could have taken her with her when she died. She could have hung on and taken her memories and the secrets of the Tok'ra with her, but she didn't.

She gave Sam a chance, trusted her in a way that no one else had. Sam didn't know if she'd ever get over the guilt of that.

An alien had trusted her and the rest of the SGC with her most closely guarded secrets when the humans around her couldn't get over themselves and open themselves up to the possibility that she was telling the truth; that all they had to do was let her go through the gate to another world where she could find a new host and leave Sam just as she'd found her.

Sam wasn't sure, but she thought that she might actually hate herself for what had happened to Jolinar.

Her thoughts suddenly turned to what the NID or even the Air Force was going to want with the knowledge that was now in her head. She tried to force her thoughts back to nothingness, but they wouldn't stop positing scenarios until she felt the mattress dip under her and the sheets and blankets pull tight over her body. The plastic sheeting on the mattress crinkled as whoever was on the bed with her now shuffled a little further up behind her shoulders.

"Sam, it's me," she heard a little voice break through to her. "You're going to be OK," Cassie told her with a slight smile as she laid a small hand on her arm.

Sam couldn't help but turn slightly to look at Cassie.

"You're very brave," the girl added after a moment, something Sam had told her many times since they'd found her.

"I don't feel very brave," Sam admitted quietly, turning her gaze from Cassie and focusing on the wall again.

Cassie frowned for a moment, her brow wrinkling as she tried to figure out what else she could do.

Slowly, she sat back from Sam and slid off the bed, kicking off her shoes as she walked to the other side of the bed. She stuck herself right in Sam's line of vision until she finally focused on her.

Gently, Cassie pulled the pillow from Carter's grasp before climbing onto the bed and slipping herself into her arms. With a sigh, Sam pulled her closed and hung on, taking a moment to rest her forehead on the back of Cassie's head. The loss of Jolinar stung a little less with the little girl in her arms.

"I'm sorry," Carter said after a long moment. "For what I said to you in your Janet's office."

"It wasn't you," Cassie said, drawing circles on the back of Carter's hand with a finger.

"I'm still sorry," she said again, holding Cassie a little tighter.

"I'm really glad you're OK," the little girl said and Sam was pretty sure that she could hear a hitch in her voice, like she was trying not to cry.

Carter didn't blame her. She had lost her whole world a few months ago and now to have almost lost someone else close to her . . . Carter couldn't imagine what that might be like.

"I'm not really OK," Carter whispered.

"You will be," the girl said with far more wisdom than any 11-year-old should have. "Janet says you can stay with us for a while if you'd like."

"I think I . . . I just need to be alone for a while." Sam felt Cassie stiffen in her arms before she quietly asked if Sam wanted her to leave.

Sam held her a little tighter and assured her that she wanted her to stay. If Sam Carter was going to hide away from the world, there was no one she'd want to hide away with more than Cassie.

Silence fell over the pair again until Cassie began to quietly tell Sam what she was doing in school and in the extra tutoring she was taking to catch up to other kids her age.

Sam couldn't help but sigh and feel some of the stress melt away as she lost herself in the world of the little girl in her arms.


Confessions


She locked herself in her lab as quickly as she could after all was said and done.

Sam even ignored Daniel in his suit, something she would normally have teased him about, as he called out to her.

She hadn't even stopped to apologize to the people she bumped into as she hurried through the corridors of the SGC. She just needed to get away, needed to figure things out or forget. She wasn't sure yet which was the better idea.

Sam quickly locked the door behind her before coming to a stop in the middle of the lab. Her eyes darted from surface to surface, landing on all her little projects and experiments for a fraction of a second before moving on to the next one.

She knew what she could be working on, what she should be working on, but she couldn't get her mind to settle on one project. She closed her eyes for a moment and took a deep breath, hoping that would focus her. But instead all it did was remind her of what had just happened.

She had killed Martoof, shot him with her Zat twice and then caught him as he slumped to the floor.

He had looked right at her, turned those blue eyes on her and begged her to do it, to stop him before he killed himself or anyone else in the gate room and she had done it.

She had calmly raised her arm, aimed and fired. She hadn't hesitated or closed her eyes, either. She'd simply disconnected herself from the moment and let the soldier take over and get the job done. Sam had often appreciated her ability to compartmentalize in the past, but not so much as right now.

In any other universe, that would have been enough emotional trauma for one day.

But this wasn't any other universe. This was her universe. And in her universe there was no such thing as enough emotional trauma.

So not only had she gotten to kill a friend today, she'd also gotten to confess her feelings for her CO and listen to him confess his feelings for her in front of her best friend, her teammate and a complete stranger. And then she'd quickly told him that they could just never speak of this again and go back to the way things had always been. He'd agreed.

She knew that they were both doing this for the sake of their careers so that they could continue to fight the Goa'uld, but it didn't lessen the hurt any more.

After Jonas, she didn't trust herself to pick anyone that wouldn't hurt her again. But despite her best efforts, she had done just that. She had fallen for the unattainable man and had no choice but to carry on.

And things were always going to carry on, her mind added silently.

Sam tried to focus herself after her last thought, to remember where she'd left off in her latest project, but she was having a hard time doing that. She kept seeing Martoof's face before she shot him, and O'Neill's face as he focused on her, making his confession about caring more than he was supposed to.

She couldn't help but think that she'd had the same look on her face as she'd focused on him and made the same confession.

Sam also took a moment to worry about what was going to happen next.

Janet had heard and was obligated to report to Hammond that her judgment - and O'Neill's - was compromised.

She had no idea if Janet would do it, or if she'd just keep an eye on the situation. Sam knew that Frasier suspected something was going on between them long before now and she had yet to say anything, so maybe she'd continue to hold her tongue.

The last thing Sam really wanted to do was deal with being transferred out of the SGC because of a confession made under the threat of death.

Sam finally gave her head a shake, trying to physically remove the thoughts from her brain. If she continued to dwell on all the what-ifs, she was going to drive herself batty.

Finally her eyes lit on the Naquadah generator. Her self-reprimand worked well enough for her to remember that she'd been playing with the generator again, trying to increase the efficiency so that they could make less Naquadah go further without seeing any drop in power production.

She was elbow deep in the generator when the first knock on her lab door came. Her head popped up and she very nearly left her lab bench to go and unlock the door before the day came crashing back down on her.

Sam turned her attention back to the generator, attempting to push the day away from those thoughts again. She couldn't really tell who was on the other side trying to get her attention, but she didn't really care. If someone really needed her for something important, they'd call her, they wouldn't come down to her lab.

She breathed a sigh of relief when whoever was knocking finally gave up and left.

When she eventually finished with the generator, she moved onto the next project on her list. She only came out of her lab 18 hours later when Hammond sent down two SFs to physically remove her from the base and escort her home.


Janet


She'd always liked Maine, especially in the fall.

Her family hadn't lived in the state long when she and Mark were kids. But she remembered that they had been there during the fall. The leaves were changing color, creating a tapestry of vibrant colors on the sidewalks when they fell.

She'd been young enough that her days at school were spent collecting fallen leaves for different art projects and science experiments. She also remembered helping her father rake the leaves in their yard into large piles before she and Mark would take turns jumping into them and scattering them to the wind.

This trip to Maine hadn't been particularly fun at all. Sure, the leaves were changing colors and kids were still collecting and jumping into piles of them, but she could take no joy from watching their antics.

Sam sighed as she let her head flop to the side, her eyes starting out the train car's window but not really seeing anything but the blur of passing foliage. In her mind she knew that she was seeing trees, long grasses and scrubby little bushes. But to her eye they were noting but a blur, much like the last week had been.

Janet had died at the beginning of that week, but it felt much fresher to Sam.

Maybe it was because every time she thought the wound was starting to scab, she was called upon to do something that opened it right back up again. That stupid documentary, speaking at Janet's memorial and going home to Cassie every night. Finally, there was the civilian ceremony in Colorado, and now they were on their way home from the family ceremony in Maine with Janet's family.

Sam yawned as she felt the rocking of the train car starting to lull her to sleep. She'd wanted to fly to Maine, get there and get home as soon as possible so she could start moving on and take care of the last of the legal proceedings at home. Cass wasn't quite 18 yet, so it all fell to Sam to deal with things. Cassie, however, had wanted to take the train. She couldn't come up with any real reasons other than she wanted to, so Sam gave in.

She cast half an eye on the girl who was asleep, tucked into her side looking very much like the 11-year- old she'd found so many years ago. Her eyes were still red and her face still stained, but at least she was asleep, her weight a warm comfort against Sam's side. The rest of SG1 had volunteered to come along, but both Sam and Cassie had asked them not to.

"I didn't realize there were any Air Force bases in Maine." Sam jerked her head up from Cassie to look at the other occupant of their car. She was an older woman who, up until now, had been happy to sit quietly and knit.

"There are," Sam answered softly, sitting a little straighter in her seat while trying not to wake Cass.

The two women shared a look for a moment when Sam didn't say anymore. She desperately hoped the stranger would turn back to her knitting, but she didn't. She continued to sit and stare at Sam.

"Her mother was killed last week," she supplied. A look of pity quickly flushed over the woman's face.

"Over seas?" she asked.

"Something like that," Sam replied, turning her attention back to the window, hoping the woman would get the message.

Sam hadn't wanted to wear her dress blues on the train, but the wake had run long and between Cass needing to be back in school and her needing to be back at work, their options had been limited. On the plus side, it had gotten them some preferential treatment when boarding. She supposed she was paying for it now.

"My condolences," she finally said softly, turning back to her knitting.

Sam sighed heavily again, resting her forehead against the cool glass of the window as she once again allowed the blurring landscape and the gentle sway of the car to sooth her rattled nerves.

Sam hadn't tried to adopt Cassie when she was young because she knew she wasn't ready. Sure, she wanted kids, wanted Cass, but she wasn't ready for them yet. She still had things to do and see and she still needed to become herself.

Truth be told, she wasn't really ready to be a parent now, either, but she didn't have any choice this time. She didn't get to be the fun aunt who came to rescue her from her tyrant of a mother; she was the tyrant of a mother now.

That thought made Sam pause. How was she supposed to mother this girl when she hardly remembered her own mother? Sure, she had experience in dealing with the death of a mother, but beyond that she was useless.

It didn't help that Cassie was an aimless academic. She loved learning, but had no real focus on what she wanted to learn other than anything and everything. How was she supposed to advise this kid on picking a college or university when she had no idea what she wanted to major in? Hell, Sam didn't even know how to go about suggesting things for her to major in. Thanks to tutors and the members of SG1, she was equally good in all her subjects, nothings really stood out above the others.

"Sam?"

"What?"

"What's wrong?" Cassie asked, pulling away from Sam's side a little. "You're all tense." Sam stayed quiet for a moment.

"I guess I'm just finishing growing up," she answered when it suddenly clicked that she was already worrying like a parent.

"I don't understand," she said, a confused look coming over her face.

"Neither do I, really," Sam replied with a sad smile as she dropped a kiss on Cassie's forehead. "Just enjoy the ride," she concluded, pulling Cassie close again.

Cass' brow furrowed as she tried to follow Carter's logic, but gave up after a moment. She allowed herself to settle back into Sam's side, holding her hand in hers as they both got lost in their own thoughts again.


Losing Atlantis


She felt like a fool standing there in the gate room of the SGC.

The gray of her Atlantis uniform stood out like a sore thumb among the olive drab and blue BDUs peppering the gate room. Her hair made her stand out as well. She had taken to wearing it in a neat braid down her back since growing it long, not the messy ponytail she'd thrown it into when leaving Midway.

Sam looked around for Landry, or possibly Daniel and Teal'c to meet her upon arrival. Then she would be free to escape to her on-base quarters for a much overdue shower and change. The cramped Midway Station didn't have a lot of amenities, and a shower for visitors was not something normally offered.

She was met instead by Richard Woolsey, who promptly told he she would no longer be in command of the Atlantis mission. That despite the fact she had done outstanding work in Pegasus, she was being reassigned effective immediately and that the rest of her things would be sent to Earth on the Daedelus.

Sam had been so stunned to hear this that her brain hadn't caught up to the fact that she was shaking his hand and wishing him luck as he headed out to take over her command.

Suddenly her brain kicked in and she turned her head just in time to see Woolsey step through the wormhole without her. She felt like the bottom of her stomach had just hit her shoes as she watched the wormhole snap off.

Sam stayed glued to the spot for another long moment before an SF gently reminded her that she needed to report to the infirmary for a physical.

"Hold on," she said as she left them standing in the corridor and shot off into the control room. She asked Walter what Cam, Vala, Daniel and Teal'c were up to, and she was more than a little relieved to hear that they were all off-world. She thanked him for his help, and he welcome back before heading off towards the infirmary.

She dropped her bag on the end of the bed and pulled herself up, nodding when Carolyn Lam paused in her examinations but making no effort take part in any small talk.

Sam's brain was too busy worrying about Atlantis to pay attention to the local gossip at the moment. The to-do list was long: requisitions to file, personnel conflicts to remedy and at least two trading treaties to looked over and approve.

She also was busy worrying about the state that she had left her quarters in. She'd been meaning to clean up and take care of the laundry for weeks now, but something more important kept coming up. God, she hopped Teyla, or at the very least Sheppard, was going to take care of it. Either of them would understand and not discuss what was found while packing.

"Everything looks good Colonel," Lam said after a moment. "I'd like to see you get a little more sleep, eat a little more protein for a while. But other than that, you're free to go."

"Thanks," she said, slipping off the bed and grabbing her bag. After quick stops to change into civvies and request transportation clearance from Landry, Carter left the base. She blinked at the bright sunshine for a moment as she waited for her car to be brought around. By the time it finally arrived she had her game plan.


"Sir? There's someone here to see you." Jack frowned as he looked at his secretary.

"I'm not in," he said, turning his attention back to the paperwork in front of him.

"Sir, she says she's a friend." This caught Jack's attention.

"She?"

"Yes, Sir," the secretary said again, beginning to grow weary of the conversation.

"Tall, blonde, blue eyed . . ."

"And a colonel."

"Send her in," he said, clearing his desk as the secretary left and Sam slipped in. They stared at each other for a moment before she sat in one of the chairs in front of his desk.

"They replaced me with Woolsey," she finally said.

"I'm sorry," he replied. He'd fought long and hard to keep her in command. But in the end, his opinion had counted for little, given their personal relationship.

"So I'm hiding," she finished, sounding very much like a petulant 12-year-old. She finished off the illusion by crossing her arms over her chest and pouting just a little.

"Cool," Jack replied as he stood from his desk, ignoring the look on her face. She watched as he came around his desk to pluck his hat and jacket from the coat rack. "Let's go, Carter," he said with a smile, gesturing to the door.

"Linda, I'm in a meeting and you've never seen Colonel Carter before in your life," Jack said as they headed out of his office.

"Of course I haven't, Sir," she answered, giving the pair a look over the top of her glasses before turning her attention back to her paperwork.