It was hard for me. I don't know how I get up in the mornings. I fell for a married man. I fell hard and fast for him. I let down my guard for him and here I am. Broken. Wrecked. Devastated. He did this to me. He made me fell in love with him. And then he shattered me into million pieces. He didn't even tell me that he is married. And I didn't see it coming. One minute we were Derek and Meredith. And in the next his wife was standing in front of us. He told me his story. She cheated on him with his best friend. And still he chose her over me. I begged him. Pick me. Choose me. Love me. I never did such a humiliate thing in my whole life. And still I'm alone. Devastated. Not that he would have the decency and heading back with his wife to New York where he belonged. No they still here. In Seattle. My Seattle. I grew up. I grew up in this hospital. It's the place where I learned reading and writing. The place where I learned everything about surgery. It's my sanctuary. And it always was my sanctuary. Since I was a little girl I knew this place like the back of my palm. I knew the best hiding spots. But recently it seems no matter where I try to hiding one of the both will always find me. Why doesn't he leave me alone? Why doesn't he pack all his belongings and going back to New York? Why does he have to torture me? It almost feels like he is enjoying the torture. It's been 42 days since he officially chose Addison over me. I have no idea how I survived these 42 days. I think my friend Jose played a big part in it. And the endless list of mine one night stand in the last 42 days. How I can pick up every night another meaningless guy to have sex with him? My imagination helps me. Every time I imagine that it is him. It even hurts too much to say his name. Currently I'm in a very dark place and I have no idea how I get out of the darkness. But this morning I decided that I definitely need a change. So, no more Jose and now more one night stand. My focus will be work. Just work. This is why I ended up here in first place. Being a surgeon. And I mean the latest events in my life they fit perfectly into the rest of my life. Growing up without knowing who you father is and a mother who gave a shit about you. But at least she left me with the name "Grey". So yeah at least I am a royal in the medical field. And now I'm living up her legacy. Since the latest events I don't want to spend more time in neuro and with him. So maybe I will spend more time in general. Just like my mother. They always say: like mother like daughter. I mean I always wanted to find a way to cure here disease. Because I'm well aware of the fact that I could have the Alzheimer's gene just like my mother. But you see he made it impossible for me to find a way to cure Alzheimer's.

So right now I know my live is shattered into million pieces like so often. But this time I have no idea how to put all the broken pieces back together. But I will try to find a way. I will try to move forward. I have to move forward. Wanna know the worst thing about my situation? I always thought he is different than all the others. But in the end he just abandoned me like every other person in my life. I trusted him and he left me. He left me at a really dark place.

And being right now at the Seattle Grace Hospital is the toughest I had to go throw. Everyone was staring at me and judging me. I was the one who was sleeping with a married attending. I was the home wrecker. I could see it in their eyes. They judged me. So I had no one in my corner at this place. And to be honest I had no one in my corner outside of this place. I never give much about friendships. I was always the girl in the last row with black clothes and pink hair. I was always the freak. I didn't care about the fact that I was alone. My only goal in live was going to med school and becoming a surgeon. So I went to med school and I became a surgeon. Okay I'm still an intern I still have to learn a lot but I'm a surgeon. So alright I got a little distracted. I now I know what my mother meant when she told me that I need to be focused. For a few months in my life I wasn't focused enough. I let myself go and it cost me a lot. But this ends today. I will be focused again. I don't need people in my life. I will give a shit about him and his wife. I'm going to build up my wall again. I need it. I need to be focused. Focused on medicine and focused on surgery. I am the one the other has to beat. I am and I will be the number one. I will be a shark. And to be shark I need a sharp mind. So, goodbye to Jose too.