Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho.
Summary: A forgotten past. A new threat. A chance to regain her past self... but does she really want to?
Reminiscent
Chapter 1
I always knew there was something else.
I was many things. A guide for dead souls. An assistant to the Reikai Tantei. A loyal friend. The ever bubbly and cherry ferry girl, Botan. But, I was more. I wasn't entirely sure what, but I could sense it. Something lingered within my soul, something dark, something important. It laid in a deep slumber in the recesses of the deepest part of my mind, waiting for the time when it could finally be awakened.
In a way, it scared me. Although, a part of me wanted to be made aware of what it was. Somehow, I could guess it was something sort of a remnant of my past. A past I could no longer remember.
The first day I became a ferry girl, I was lost, confused and felt like a little girl trapped in a bad, bad dream where I couldn't find a way to wake up. I couldn't recall a thing, couldn't even remember my name. And it had frightened me that I didn't even know who I was. Then, Koenma came and told me my name was "Botan", and that I was now a ferry girl, a guide of the River Styx. He said I became one after my time of death, and that I was given a chance to be something more. At the time, I believed he was right, that those words were somewhat true, and I had clung at the prospect that I could help the poor souls that had lost their lives, and everything they held dear.
But, the longer I remained clueless of my past, the more the questions that constantly plagued my mind. I guess no matter who I had become, I still wanted to know who I had been. Was I any bit of the same person? Did I have any friends? Who were my parents? Was my name even Botan?
I knew Reikai had erased my memories. I didn't know why though. I talked to Ayame and even Hinageshi before, and they had both answered that they still had recollections of their past. Although vague, the memories were still there. I, on the other hand, could remember nothing. But, I didn't complain. I couldn't. I figured there had to be a reason. And Koenma had been a little more than a bit dodgy when I first questioned him of the life I had formerly led. I was sure I was a human, however, as Reikai had rules not to make ferry girls out of demons or anything else.
Over time, I had decided that I should just let go, that I should just resign to my fate as a ferry girl and forget whatever questions that I had regarding my past life. Sometimes, I managed.
Other times, I couldn't resist the urge to wonder.
"Botan?" Ayame's voice sounded from behind the door of the about gigantic sized apartment. I looked up as she turned the doorknob and opened the door. The ferry girls' headquarters was a very neat place, and every room were inhabitated by at least three of us. I shared my room with Ayame and Hinageshi, seeing as we were pretty close.
"What is it?" I asked, just as she entered. I couldn't help but quirk an eyebrow in curiousity as I stared at her. For some reason, she was sporting a light blush on her face.
"I, um... I was wondering..." She was fidgeting. Ayame was fidgeting. This was rare. It must be very important, whatever it was that she seemed to be wondering about. "I... I came... to seek for some advice... from you..." she spoke slowly, as if trying to choose her words carefully.
I closed the book I had been reading. It was a novel I had been interested in for the last couple of months, it originally belonged to Keiko but she decided to give it to me as a gift because she knew I was rather fond of it. I couldn't help the smile that found its way to my face at the thought, but I quickly brushed it off, turning to regard Ayame with a wide, friendly grin.
"Advice about what exactly?"
The red tint on her cheeks seemed to turn a shade darker. "Um... I'm going on a date tomorrow, you see... and..."
The news caught me off guard, and I screamed a loud, "What?!" as Ayame went up and clasped a hand over my mouth to shut me up. I blinked at her, my trademark cheshire cat grin appearing on my features as she slowly pulled her hand back. She gave me a pleading look, as if begging for some help.
"Who is it?" I inquired, the shock having died down and replaced by the type of excitement girls would emit when their friends find a special "someone". I didn't think Ayame was into that sort of thing. I mean, she always seemed business-like than anything else. I figured it must be someone from the SDF, as I assumed Ayame liked those strong, independent kind of guys.
She seemed hesitant for a moment, as if pondering if she should really tell. Well, I wouldn't force her even if she didn't want to, and I almost went up to say that to her, when she nodded her head. "It's..." Her purple eyes darted elsewhere. "Koenma-sama..."
There was a pause.
A really loooooong pause.
Which was quickly broken off by me, as for the second time, I cried out, "What?" in surprise, almost tripping on my feet when I tried to turn and walk for the bed. I stared at her, as if asking silently for confirmation that I wasn't hearing things, pursing my lips as she responded with a small nod. That was unexpected. Although, I had suspected for a long time that Koenma had feelings for her, never did it cross my mind that he would actually muster up the couarge to ask her out. I was happy for them. Startled? Yes. Confused? A bit. Happy? Most definitely. If two of my closest friends could get together, I would most certainly be there for support.
"Oh-ho! Really now? That's good news!" I beamed. "So, what's the problem?"
"Nothing... It's just that I've never been on a date before," she murmured quietly, her voice almost inaudible that I had to strain my ears to hear her clearly.
The corners of my lips curled upwards into a reassuring smile. "Oh? Is that it?" For a moment, I couldn't help but wonder why on earth she would go to me for advice, seeing as I've never been asked out before, "Well, don't worry about it. Just be yourself!" I answer with the best answer I could come up with. What's the point of pretending to be someone else, anyway?
"That's just it. Oh, Botan. You know how uptight I can be sometimes... what if I end up embarrassing myself? What if he doesn't like me?"
I let a laugh pour out of my mouth. "The second question was ridiculous, if he doesn't like you, he wouldn't have asked you out for a date," I pointed out. "And besides, if he ends up hating you because you're you, then he doesn't deserve you and I'll kick his butt myself!"
A triumphant grin crossed my lips as I managed to raise her spirits up a bit. Ayame smiled, wearing a look of gratitude as she said, "Thank you, Botan."
"Your welcome," I responded in my usual cheery voice. Then, standing up from the bed, I reached out and placed my hands on her shoulders. "Now then, if you don't mind, can you make me some hot tea?" I requested with a sly grin.
One black eyebrow arched in an amused manner. "Don't tell me you gave me advice because you wanted me to make tea for you in return?" she jested, a giggle escaping her lips as I pulled the cutest pout I could manage.
"Of course not!" I feigned anger, as I shot a fake glare at her, "I just thought you could do it for me instead!"
Ayame shook her head as I scrunched my nose, turned away, and pretended to sulk. She tried to "make up" with me as she relented, "Okay. Alright, I'll make you tea."
I instantly perked up at her words. "Yay!" I giggled, enveloping her in a hug as a token of gratitude. "Thank you, Ayame-chan!"
Ayame raised an eyebrow at me once again, and stared at me with a half bewildered, half amused expression. I guessed it was due to the fact that I called her "Ayame-chan", which was something I had never once done before.
I pulled Ayame gently out of my embrace, grinning as I told her, "Off you go then!" and proceeded to pat her back. A laugh erupted from her throat, but she nodded her head in affirmative. I watched as she sauntered out the room, closing the door behind her and not forgetting to give me a smile as she did so.
It had been two hours, and I was growing a little drowsy. It wasn't actually night time, but considering that I stayed up late the night before, due to the many amount of souls I had to ferry, I suppose it was to be expected. Beside me, on the night stand, was a cup of tea that Ayame had made for me earlier. She'd gone out with Hinageshi after that, saying something about shopping for some cute clothes for her date tomorrow. I declined their offer for me to join them, for as much as I wanted to, I was really too absorbed in my novel to tag along.
I continued to stare at the same passage I had for the last five minutes, trying to make out the words, but with each word I read I soon forgot the previous one. Sighing, I decided that perhaps I should take a little nap and procceeded to close the thick book in my grasp.
I reached for my now empty cup of tea, throwing my legs over the edge of the bed, as I stood up and walked towards the kitchen with the cup in my hands. I was on the verge of putting it in the sink, when a sudden spasm of pain around my head assaulted my senses, causing me to drop it on the sink. I heard the sound of the cup breaking, but I was too caught up in my own pain to bother. My head felt so dizzy, yet at the same time I couldn't help but feel as if it was going to explode or split apart. My vision blurred, and a loud ringing sound started to ring in my ears, threatening to make my ear drums bleed.
I felled on my knees to the floor, body quivering, beads of sweat starting to form on my skin, as the pain became almost too unbearable. I wasn't sure what was worse; the pain in my head or the annoying, ear-rupturing noise, but I just wanted the torment to end. The ringing in my ears grew louder, causing me to scream in agony. What the hell was happening to me? Why was this happening to me? Was this a bad dream?
"I can assure you, it's not." A voice echoed within my mind, my eyes widening in alarm as I began to panic at the fact that I was probably in danger. Yet, a moment later, I realized it sounded strikingly similar to mine, further confusing, but comforting me at the same time.
"W-who are you?" I asked, despite the overwhelming torment overtaking my senses.
"I am you."
I blinked at the response. What? That wasn't possible! I was about to inquire more, when all of a sudden, the torturous pain in my head rapidly increased, threatening to break through my skull. I shut my eyes tight, grabbing each side of my head as tears stung at the back of my eyes.
A giggle, dark and mocking, reached my ears. "Aww, does it hurt that bad?" Despite the fact the voice undoubtedly resembled mine, it was cold, taunting. In a way that made me feel almost helpless.
I ignored its words. "Y-you can't be me! I am my own person! I don't know who you are, but look, if you're an enemy then..."
"Then what? You'll beg for help from your pathetic friends?" The voice said sharply, cutting my sentence short like a kitchen knife. "They don't stand a chance against me. If you really value their lives, then you'd be wise to leave them out of this." I could almost feel it smirk in triumph, and that irked me. "Besides, you can't even stand, much less run over to them for rescue."
"L-leave me alone!" I practically begged. "Whoever you are, just leave me be!"
"Have I really grown stupid? Have Reikai really downsized my intelligence to that of a small child's?" It grunted and snarled. I found its words offensive, but I had no strength to argue back. "How many times do I have to repeat myself? I am you. Whether you want to believe it or not."
"I-I can't believe you. I'm nothing like you."
"Hmph. But you are. Much more than you might realize, Botan. I am you, I am everything that you are... except with a more intelligent mind and more power than a puny ferry girl could have. I am you, only I'm something you have become after you succumbed to the darkness. You have no idea how much power you have, how much power you and I have. You are nothing but me. You are not the ferry girl you deem as your true self. That is nothing but an image Reikai implanted in your brain, that is an illusion."
"I-I don't understand."
"... Then, let me help you understand."
Just as those words resonated in my head, I felt a hand, its fingers as cold as ice, cupping my sweat beaded cheek. Strange. Suddenly, the pain was gone. The ringing had stopped. And my vision was beginning to return to normal. I shifted my gaze to where it was supposed to be, only to find nothing but the cold, tiled floor. Then, when I looked up again, a startled gasp left my lips, as I realized there was nothing staring back at me but total, complete darkness. Where am I?
"Hey."
I almost jumped at the voice that suddenly disrupted the dead silence in the dark. Reluctantly, I lifted my head, eyes widening as I met a pair of amethysts and strands of sky blue hair. With the exception of the brown dress, tattered and muddied, and cold, menacing orbs glowering down at my form, she looked like an exact replica of me. Was she the one I was talking to?
"Y-you... are you really me?" I couldn't help but question, despite the fear that gripped at my senses and telling me to run, flee as far away as I could from this girl. Or was she me?
"Yeah."
Staring at her was like looking straight into a mirror. But, her lips were pulled upwards into a light smirk, whilst mine were tugged down to form a deep frown. She seemed the same, but she felt too different.
"H-how is that possible? What are you... going to do to me?"
A chuckle hung in the air, seeming to reverbrate through my entire being as it poured out of her lips. "I have no intentions of hurting anyone." Her smirk widened ever so slightly. "Not myself, anyway."
I was silent, I didn't know what to say. I merely watched her with suspicious eyes as she strolled calmly my way, her small footsteps echoing in the darkness, as I took a sharp intake of breath, preparing myself for an attack.
Her hands reached out, and I nearly backed away, only to blink in confusion when instead of inflicting pain on me like I thought she would, she merely cupped my cheeks, the touch almost welcoming and tender as she gave me a warm smile. "Relax, I will not harm you. I am only trying to help you remember."
My brows creased in further bewilderment at her words. What did she mean by that? I parted my mouth, but before I could even utter out a word, her hands emitted a soft, yellow light. I blinked for a moment, before widening my eyes as my heart began to thump wildly in my chest. Images after images - no, they were memories - flooded into my mind, causing waves after waves of shock to overtake my senses. Almost as instantly, I felt an overwhelming power surge throughout my entire being, streaming inside each cell under my skin, and making a dark part in my soul greedy for more. And more, and more kept overflowing within me, threatening to break my lithe form, as I struggled to somewhat control it, but it only grew stronger the more I tried.
"Don't resist it. It's yours to begin with."
I doubled over as the power became too strong, warm tears falling down my cheeks as more memories played inside my head - most of them painful, torturous, and just downright disgusting. Although, I took comfort in the happy, pleasant ones that seemed to ease the pain a little. Breathing now labored, my eyes grew scarlet, tainting my view with nothing but deep red. I heard a chuckle, one that I had first loathed to hear, but now accepted as my own, reached my ears, her words like a broken lullaby, as it tumbled out her lips,
"I am you, and you are me. Together, we are one. And nothing can ever change that. Remember that, Botan. Don't ever forget as you had done so before."
A/N: Okay... so this is my first take on writing about Botan's past. I mean, I have wanted to do so for a long time, but I always forget. Still, this is only just the beginning. And I must warn you that this fic WILL grow darker in later chapters. So, if you don't like that, or if you enjoy lighter themes more, then I suggest you stop reading here.
Thank you for reading, and,
Review when you have the time!
Goodbye, and I wish you a good day!
