"Cirano de O'Neill" by Ziva

General Jack O'Neill had a problem, and for once in his life his military training was not going to help him solve it. The problem was that he was head-over-heels in love with the woman who had been his second-in-command for over eight years. But now that he was no longer her commanding officer, and was allowed to have a relationship with her, he found himself full of fears...fear of being too old, too stupid and just plain too late.

It was a known fact that Sam Carter was trying to move on; she had a new assignment now, working at Area 51, and it was rumored that she was seeing a civilian scientist who also worked there. So even though Jack had intended to try and see if what she felt for him all those years was for real or just a case of wishful thinking on his part, he had put off phoning Sam and asking her out. His ego just couldn't stand the thought of Sam rejecting him!

It was true that he was now living in Washington, D.C., but long distance relationships were not impossible to maintain, or so he had heard. He really had very little experience in these matters, having been married to the same woman for over fifteen years. They had divorced right after he first met Sam, although the divorce certainly had nothing to do with his feelings for Sam. And in the past eight years, there had been no one else in his life but Sam, even though his relationship with her was purely within regulations.

They had both maintained a distance that had left him wishing for more, but now that they could have more, what had happened to that wishful thinking? Jack wasn't sure about how Sam felt him, but he was certain he still had it bad for her!

Jack had gotten a phone call earlier that day from their old friend and fellow teammate, Dr. Daniel Jackson, who was in D.C. for a few days while attending a conference on ancient languages. They had agreed to meet for dinner, and it was during that dinner that Jack admitted how much he missed his old friends, particularly Samantha Carter.

"So how's the old gang," Jack asked, hoping the subject of Sam would come up, even though he knew that Daniel had been working on a dig in upper Egypt for the past three months.

Like Jack and the rest of SG-1, Daniel's life had taken a different direction since Jack had taken the job in D.C. Even the big Jaffa had left the SGC; Teal'c was on Chulak much of the time, trying to form a strong Jaffa army.

"I haven't heard from Teal'c in several months, but General Landry told me that he seems to be doing okay. Ishta is pregnant, so I'm sure he's happy about that," Daniel said, smiling till his eyes were mere slits.

"Pregnant! Wow! So Teal'c's gonna be a father again," Jack mused, thinking about his dead son and how his own life had changed dramatically the day that Charlie had accidentally shot himself.

Not everything that had happened in his life since then had been bad; getting to know Sam, Daniel and Teal'c had definitely been a good thing. If only he hadn't taken this promotion that sent him to D.C., he told himself, wishing for the billionth time that Hammond and the President had never asked him to take the new assignment.

"Yeah, and Rya'c and Kar'yn are expecting too! So Teal'c is going to be a father and a grandfather at almost the same time!"

"The guy must be really happy with his life. Wish I could say the same thing about mine," Jack confided, leaving an opening for Daniel that he knew the man wouldn't be able to resist.

"So you're not happy with your new job? Not happy with living in Washington, or both?"

"Mostly not happy with...well, hell Daniel...I may as well tell you...I miss Sam! You must know how I feel about her...have felt about her for years, right?"

"You never really did a very good job of hiding it, Jack. So what happened? I mean you two are no longer in the same chain of command, so why haven't you gotten together?"

"It's me, Daniel; I'm a coward."

Well, Daniel had heard a lot of surprising remarks come out of Jack O'Neill's mouth over the years, but he certainly had never heard that one before!

"A coward! Well, that certainly is not something I'd call you. So why are you being a coward, Jack?"

"Because, Daniel, Sam is...she's much younger than me, and she's gorgeous. She could have any guy she wants, so why would she want an old flyboy like me? Plus she's way smarter than me...yes, I freely admit that I never understood even half of what she said to me all those years. And she's seeing someone, or so I heard."

"Seeing as in just dating, or seeing as in seriously involved with?"

"I'm not sure, but I don't see what difference it makes, Daniel; I'm in D.C. and he's there at Nellis with her. So what real chance do I have," Jack asked, his expression growing sullen.

Daniel hadn't seen Jack O'Neill this down since...well, since he'd first met him, and that was right after Charlie had killed himself with Jack's gun.

"I think you shouldn't jump to conclusions, and the fact that you live kind of far apart does not mean that you and Sam can't have a relationship. You just have to try, Jack," Daniel insisted. "Have you even phoned her?"

Jack shook his head. "I wouldn't know what to say. Now that we don't have missions to discuss, I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to think of anything to say to her," Jack admitted.

"Why don't you cut to the chase and tell her you miss her? Why not just come out and tell her how you feel?"

"I don't think I could stand to hear her voice when she rejects me. She'd probably laugh and tell me she's too busy to miss me, what with her new boyfriend and all those doohickeys to take apart." Jack laughed, but his face didn't look like he was joking.

"Maybe it would be easier to tell her how you feel in an e-mail. I mean that way you wouldn't have to hear her voice IF she should reject you, which I'm not at all certain she would."

"I still wouldn't know what to say to her, Daniel. I just don't have the right words! I'm crude when it comes to expressing what I want from a woman. But I'm smart enough to know that Sam deserves more than me saying, 'I've had the hots for you for years, baby, and I want to screw your brains out,'" Jack told him, and Daniel blushed slightly, his eyeglasses slipping down his nose.

He pushed them back up his nose, as he laughed at Jack's earthy statement. It was so typically Jack, but he was fairly certain it was not what Sam wanted to hear from a man. He could see why Jack was worried about offending Samantha Carter, so he offered Jack a solution.

"I could compose a message for you...something a little less...visual...maybe throw in some poetry. You know how women love poetry, Jack," Daniel assured him, and Jack raised his left eyebrow as he realized that Daniel's idea just might have some merit.

"You'd do that for me?"

"Of course! What are friends for? We can work on the first message right now, and you can send it tonight."

Now that Daniel thought about it, they had never really been that close, but maybe it wasn't too late for their friendship to blossom either, he decided, beginning to compose the first message in his head.

"Great! So where do we start?"

"Well, I think the first thing you really need to do is apologize for not contacting her sooner."

Two hours later the two men sat at the round dining table in Matteo's Bar and Grill in west Washington, D.C. Several napkins were strewn across the table top, which had been cleared of all dishes. Only their drink glasses remained. Jack had been tossing down boiler makers for the past hour, and by now he was feeling pretty mellow.

"So, let's hear it again, Danny boy," he encouraged the younger man, who had already read the message to him a dozen times.

"Dear Sam,

I know it's been a long time since you've heard from me, and I want to apologize for not writing you sooner. While I could say that I've been busy or pressed for time, no amount of excuses would be sufficient to justify my lack of respect for our friendship...a friendship which I had hoped would blossom into something much more.

All I can do is ask for your forgiveness in hopes that it is not too late to make amends. Although you may find this hard to believe, I have missed you more than words can say. Not a day goes by that I don't imagine your lovely smiling face, the site of which was a highlight of my day for over eight years.

If you can find it in your heart to forgive me for my neglect, please know that I would be forever grateful.

Yours sincerely,

Jack"

Jack sat silently for a couple of minutes after Daniel finished reading the composition. Daniel could see that he was mulling over something in the letter...probably something he didn't feel comfortable saying.

"Do I really need to include that blossoming part?"

"Yes, I think you may as well get to the point, without hitting her in the head with it or shocking her with visions of the two of you doing the big nasty. She has a right to know that it's more than friendship that you want, Jack. I mean why wait? This way if there's no chance, then she'll tell you straight away," Daniel insisted.

"Okay. I'll send it tonight," Jack promised.

TBC