A/N: I was going to keep these drabbles on tumblr only but I got mad today that my newest one got filtered out of the tag for having adult content even though all of that was under a read-more, so...looks like I've started a drabble collection! Because I don't write these things for nobody to read them. No update schedule for this, I just write these few-page pieces when the whim comes to me. And since the shorter the piece, the more philosophical I tend to get, I've stuck with the first drabble's title as the whole work title.
This first one is a less-idealized, more realistic view of what their relationship might be like, in canon-verse. Somewhat angsty. Rated T.
(Also - DGM anime continuation! God! Happy holidays!)
Annoyingly Philosophical
"Yuuu," Lavi says, in a way that implies he is going to ask something annoyingly philosophical. He knows this is what Kanda thinks of these questions, and he knows exactly what it takes to signal their approach. His voice has to be grating, dragging out the U.
Yuuu, is there really such thing as honor? Yuuu-u, do you think happiness could exist without sadness? Yuu-u-uu, do you believe in the end of the world?
And Kanda – may God bless his predictable soul – makes a show of rolling his eyes behind his eyelids, but then says like he always does, "What?"
And so Lavi lays his head in Kanda's lap. He knew Kanda wasn't actually meditating, and knew Kanda knew he wasn't meditating, so he figured it was okay to interrupt.
But, head in Kanda's lap, a direct view up Kanda's nostrils, he goes for a question that is more serious than usual. Or less. It's up to interpretation, and he hasn't decided himself.
"How do you know when you love someone?"
It is the wrong question, probably, judging from the hard line of Kanda's mouth. They are always wrong questions – irrelevant, according to Kanda – but this one especially because Kanda seems to be holding his breath. Maybe he hates this one so much he will suffocate himself to death so he never has to deal with another.
It'd be nice, really, if Kanda could have a stray booger up his nose or something. But no, even his nostrils are perfect and Lavi feels somewhat inferior with his one eye and the scars up and down his body that don't fade. He's afraid that this is one of those times he'll be ignored, which is the worst answer of all.
He wants to push, he wants to shove, maybe wants Kanda to whisper it in his ear. But when he imagines this, he just imagines the feeling of Kanda's breath, no words, and it leaves a shivery feeling between his shoulder blades.
Sometimes he kisses Kanda's tattoo, and not neatly. He presses his teeth and his tongue, and he feels Kanda's heart beating, and he hums (Mmm;it almost sounds like Ohm).No more than this, though.
Sometimes Kanda's thumb slips under the strap of his eyepatch, at his opposite cheek at first but it slides steadily over. Lavi always stops him before his thumb can slip beneath the patch itself.
Except there's a moment this time, when his head is in Kanda's lap and Kanda's thumb is on the bridge of his nose, that he thinks he might just let this go all the way, let Kanda's thumb brush against his hidden eyelashes.
But he realizes Kanda is watching him, eyes narrowed in scrutiny, and it makes his heart lurch uncomfortably. He catches Kanda's hand before the shiver can erupt from between his shoulder blades and race through all parts of him.
"Sorry," he says, and Kanda understands and takes his hand away. He never pushes Lavi's boundaries. But Lavi wants him to push, wants to know what Kanda would say into his ear amidst all that warm breath.
It's a straight view up Kanda's nose again.
"Can I stay tonight?" Lavi sometimes asks, sometimes with his head on Kanda's shoulder, sometimes right after knocking on Kanda's door. He never stays without Kanda telling him he can.
Sometimes Kanda shows up at his door, a knock in the middle of the night. Lavi will answer and Kanda will do that thing of crossing his arms and looking away, trying to look grumpy and like Lavi was the one who called him here in the first place, and Lavi will shake his head and breathe out a laugh and say, "You can stay."
"But only if I get a good night kiss," he'll say a few minutes later, with that grin that grates on Kanda's nerves.
Kanda will make that grumpy face again, and will press the hard line of his mouth to Lavi's.
"Another," Lavi will say, grin turned genuine, and he'll get another close-lipped touch. What a brat,he'll think, wondering if the smile is in his eye too.
He'll touch Kanda's face and say, "Another." This time, there will be some give and take. The shivery feeling melts and then warms and then spreads slowly through him. He'll learn once again that Kanda's tongue is good for more than just spilling mean words.
After this one he'll be dazed, and their faces will stay much too close, and he'll put a thumb on Kanda's lips and breathe out, "Another."
Kanda's hair will be soft against his chin, and Kanda's mouth will be hot against his neck. Lavi will wait for his head to hit the pillow, for the hand on him, pushing his shirt off of one shoulder. "Okay," he'll say, and after a swallow: "That's enough." And Kanda won't push against his boundaries.
They only ever sleep with each other, in the most literal sense. Two bodies warming one bed, and when he wakes up Kanda is always gone no matter what room it is.
He thinks of this as he stares up Kanda's perfect, cave-like nostrils. His nose tingles. He wants to go back a bit and let Kanda keep going – but how far back? To which dead end does he wish to return?
"You wish that you'd never met," Kanda finally says, bringing Lavi back to the present. He looks down at Lavi again, and it feels like he's looking from a great distance. So composed. "Is that the answer you want?"
Lavi gives a shaky laugh. It is the answer he should have thought of himself; he, who should love no one, who would have made a terrible error if he did. But…
"I don't know what I want."
He says this, but he reaches anyway, takes hold of some of that showy bit of hair that Kanda keeps out of his ponytails even though it's long enough to tie up. He gives a gentle tug, and Kanda bends a little. Lavi has to make up the rest of the distance, propping himself against Kanda's knee, leaning up.
He hesitates when Kanda's breath touches his mouth, and says "Another" to cover it up.
So he gets another, and another, and another. He gets into Kanda's lap, gets over it, straddles it. He listens to the encouraging sound Kanda makes, that rumbling hum, lets it move through him like a slow-moving wave. It threatens to uproot him completely – he is being possessed by something that is not himself, that is taking all control from him – so he pulls back and looks for Kanda's eyes.
He needs – needs to know – needs to see – understand –
"I won't say it if you won't," Kanda says. His eyes are narrowed but they give nothing away. When Lavi takes too long, he shuts them again and leans back in.
Lavi thinks, That's not how it's supposed to work. It's not a mind game, is it?
In the end, he lets Kanda push his shirt off of his shoulder, lets Kanda suck on the scar there and hold onto his hips. And he touches Kanda's stomach and sides and collarbones in fleeting little brushes of his fingertips, and eventually wraps his arms around Kanda's neck. The words in his head are hot, hard,and nice.
But this is just physicality, this feeling of wanting to press himself right out of his skin and into Kanda's. But love doesn't matter much anyway. Doesn't matter at all, actually.
"And now?" Kanda says against his throat, with a nip of teeth that makes Lavi cling tighter, face in Kanda's hair.
Kanda's thumbs promise to dip into the waistband of Lavi's pants if allowed, and Lavi shakes his head, eye shut, body hot hard and nice, and says, "Sorry."
